I’ve just travelled back from the UK today, and during my journey I read an article that made me sit up and take notice. It’s the story about a teenage girl, Gemma Barker, who created three separate male aliases in order to dupe her female friends in to sexual relationships with her. She had made enormous efforts to develop and maintain these aliases. She succeeded so well, in fact, that not only the victims but also their families were fooled in to believing that Gemma was a boy. Whilst it’s claimed that she suffers from autism spectrum disorder and ADHD, the judge still called her “Cunning and deceptive” and the report states that she showed no remorse when handed her sentence. Ring any bells?
The thing that really struck me, though, was a quote from one of her victims who was 15 or 16 at the time. Gemma was 18, so legally an adult. Saying that she felt “repulsed and dirty” after learning that the boy she loved was actually her female friend, the victim goes on to say
“Nobody understands what it’s like to be told that the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with isn’t real. It’s like you have disappeared. I just want to stop hurting” She also asks the poignant rhetorical question I know many of us will have asked ourselves: “What did I ever do wrong to you?”
It’s heart-breaking isn’t it? The shame of deception runs deep. Left untreated it can grow, multiplying like a cancer in the soul of those whose only crime was to love someone else. People who trusted what they were being shown, and treated the other person with care and compassion — while the other person just looked on and laughed. While in some cases there may not be any physical scars, the emotional and spiritual damage hits hard in every case. It is far more damaging — and can last so much longer.
I would have hoped that in this day and age, perhaps there might be a little more understanding and compassion for people who have been duped. After all, there are plenty of stories. Accounts from people who have been deliberately deceived and misled. People who, like us, gave all we had to people we believed and loved with all our heart.
You know what, though? Reading through some of the comments that have appeared online after the article, I am disheartened that so many still seem more focused on blaming the ”˜stupidity’ of the victims, or urging us to ”˜take pity’ on the person who deceived the girls. For many people, I know it may seem hard, almost impossible to believe that someone can get away with such a deception. But for those of us who’ve been there, once we work through the pain and shame, we know we were not to blame! We know we were not stupid, gullible, needy, blind or any of the other stinging veiled questions that stab at our soul as we try to make sense of what has happened.
It’s not just deception in romantic love that causes the pain. The hurt of betrayal can hit just as hard when it’s about relationships of trust between friends and family, or perhaps misguided loyalty to bosses or colleagues. Whatever the connection, when hit with the cold hard truth, the horror can be almost overwhelming.
And”¦ in the same way that I had absolutely no comprehension of these sorts of behaviors before it happened to me, I guess the question is how on earth can we reasonably expect other people who haven’t ”˜been there themselves’ to have any level of understanding? Well? It’s a reasonable question”¦. But then, in recent times I”˜ve realized that our natural propensity to be reasonable and understanding is just another of the ways people are exploited while predators continue to thrive. It’s by thinking “Oh, they’re just under pressure!” “Well, you know, we all make mistakes!” or “It’s ok, I know they didn’t really mean it — I won’t say anything it’s not that important” that the abuse is allowed to continue, right under the noses of ”˜reasonable’ people who just can’t begin to comprehend that the attacks are deliberate!
It’s the same reasonable, caring approach by ”˜normal’ people that keeps these heartless creatures free to continue what they are doing. It’s also the thing that hurts the victim time and time and time again — because there is no reason behind why these predators do the things they do. There is no explanation. They’re just like that — and they’re darned skilled at what they do. And that’s all there is to it.
So, these days I’m becoming stronger and more determined in what I am now beginning to see as a crusade to educate and help others. Yes, the numerous judgments and barbed comments from people who don’t know what they’re talking about can grate and often rattle me. But you know what? I’ve also decided that there is little or no point in getting frustrated at those people. It’s fair to say that we don’t know what we don’t know”¦. It’s also fair to say that I now have an unreasonable passion to do something about it whenever I come across a situation where people are being hurt and the perpetrators are getting away with it. I’m determined to help people remove their blinkers and recognize that yes, there is such a thing as ”˜bad people’ who live among us. It’s tough. Because it means inviting people to consider that they have been conned. That they, too, have been taken in by someone who tells lies as easily and effortlessly as you and I breathe.
The more I get to understand this subject, the more I believe that the self-righteous outpouring from people who have never been in that situation, stems from fear. The fear that perhaps, in the same shoes, they may not be quite so streetwise as they’d like to think. Perhaps they are not as invincible to the surgically accurate deceptions of a person who does not have the same emotional wiring as we do. A bit like children hiding under the covers when they’re afraid, it’s a good short-term fix but it doesn’t get rid of the bogeyman!
The thing is, though, hiding away or going in to denial will never get rid of the bogeymen — or women. All of us here know that from our own experiences. I’m determined to do all I can to ensure that ”˜first hand experience’ does not remain the only way to be certain that the person who is causing the harm is usually a harmful person. I know there’s a long road ahead — I also know it’s a road that’s well worth travelling.
Dear LouiseG,
Welcome back to our safe place with care and support. I think what you are experiencing is the LACK OF TRUST IN YOURSELF TO DETERMINE IF SOMEONE IS REALLY TRUE…that was what happened in the past, we thought someone was true, and they were a lie, so we must not be able to keep ourselves safe by seeing the true from the false.
That lack of trust in ourselves is I think one of the last things to be repaired. Have you gotten your copy of Donna’s new book yet? If not, get it ASAP and then read it and reassure yourself that you ARE able to spot the red flags, and be honest if you see one, don’t over look it or excuse it.
Louise, we all want to be loved, we all want those we love to be true and honest. When someone turns out to have been false, we lose trust in ourselves as much as in others. Regaining that trust is important.
Take a deep breath, order Donna’s book, and then look at your relationship truthfully, honestly and openly, and tell him that you cannot and will not tolerate dishonesty in any form from him. That if he values your company, your esteem, he must be OPEN, honest, caring and kind with you or you are so gone at the first lie. There is nothing wrong with that.
Actually I had to put that into practice about a year ago when one of my sons chose to lie to me…chose to break an agreement that we had. He chose to lie rather than stand up and tell me the truth….essentially he is out of my life now. He isn’t a psychopath, but I can’t trust him, so therefore I can’t have the relationship I wanted with him. I broke down completely because I was so devastated with grief. I’m doing pretty good now, but still sad over it. I guess I will always be disappointed over it, but ACCEPTING of what IS, rather than what I want it to be.
I also realized, Louise, that there was a pattern of repeated lies, and that was just the cherry on the top of the sundae, the tip of the iceberg…
Glad to see you back and remember, healing is a process, a life long one. Keep on the road. (((hugs))) and God bless.
Ox and Skylar,
Thanks for your kind words and warm welcomes. These are such true tests that we must apply to relationships, and it is hard to apply them truthfully.
(But when I do apply them to what I’m in right now, all I can see is that this man is almost as innocent and trusting as I was when I went into the relationship with the psycho!) So I want to protect him.
But you are both very right. And so sorry Ox about the lies with your son — an interesting revelation: “He isn’t a psychopath, but I can’t trust him, so therefore I can’t have the relationship I wanted with him.” In the wake of a dishonest relationship, it appears that many of us really want absolutely honest relationships, which may be trying for the “normal” individual, who feels a white lie won’t hurt anyone.
But it’s that logic that gives the psychopath permission to build on the white lie. I hope your son can have some compassion for your position.
Nice to be back!
Louise, I’m glad you’re back too. Healing is a process not a destination and though we may feel pretty safe in our healing, still we need to continue to practice the things we learn.
No, my days of overlooking his lies, and betrayals when he would stand by while others abused me and he knew it and did not warn me, those days are over. Because I cannot trust my son C, even though he isn’t a psychopath, he is not trustworthy and I can not have a relationship with someone I can’t trust. What’s the purpose? To have a FAKE “Norman Rockwell Christmas dinner” with someone you can’t trust? LOL
I’m not afraid of him. He won’t come steal from me or burn my house down, but he just needs to go his way and I will go mine. He has a conscience, he just lets his moral compass spin sometimes and does things he knows are wrong, then makes up excuses for himself or wallows in self pity instead of remorse that effects real LASTING change.
There are lots of people in the world like that, people who are “fence sitters” who will not take action when they see someone. else being abused. They don’t want to get in the middle or get involved in anything “unpleasant” or take a stand. Well if the person involved is someone you don’t know it’s bad enough, but if it is your own son who watches someone else try to run you out of your home, or watches someone steal from you–DUH? That’s another ball game. I can and have forgiven him, gotten the bitterness against him out of my heart, but he has proven over and over I can’t trust him. The last lie was the cherry on the sundae.
Good Day Folks ~
Just chiming in: they are all liars. Pathological liars and schemers. Nothing ever changes with them. Everything they do or say is a means to an end. Period. I am not saying they should all be put in a spaceship and sent to the outer limits of the universe but what I AM saying is that their behavior is completely unacceptable and they need to change it. However, since we all know that is not possible for them, the only thing we CAN do is get away from it and stealth ourselves and stand up for the people we know we are. We have to remember our value and our worth not only to other people: family members, friends, the world, etc. – we also need to remember OUR own personal value and worth if we are ever to turn away from this in our lives.
Absolutely, Ox, healing is a process, not a destination.
It is a constant process and not one we can say: “Oh wow, I am healed and I am never going through that again~!” Because the healing is the change that comes from within ourselves. WE change, they don’t. It’s US that makes the changes.
I am finished with all the fake things and illusions in my life and world. However, I do know that this is a CONSTANT stance; not just something I can say: “Wow, I am healed and it’s over and done with; it has become too much of an engrained part of me now to ever make it completely disappear….” It takes CONSTANTLY keeping it under control, IN MYSELF.
We want them to ‘change’ but they aren’t going to so we have to effect a change in ourselves. That is painful and difficult to do, I know, but it is one necessary for our own survival, sometimes in this life. Why should ‘we’ always be the tortured ones for someone else’s evilness? Hm? We are each responsible for nobody but ourselves and our own actions in this lifetime.
I know all about that ‘cherry on the sundae’ Ox…
I think I got the whip cream and sprinkles too!
🙂
Dupey
I was watching Unsolved Mysteries tonight. This story creeped me out so bad that I didn’t finish watching it. So this is a fragment of a story.
This guy woo’s a woman to love him. He leaves her cards and brings her flowers. She is swept off her feet. She marries him and then his true self comes out. He is crazy. He chases four wheelers on a high speed chase cause he is convinced he has to uphold the law. His poor wife is in the truck with him. He is jealous of her relationship with her grown children and wants them out of the way. Her children still live at home with them.
I had to turn the channel when this guy killed his dog. He was pissed off at the dog cause the dog didn’t hunt as well as expected that day. The fear for the kids was also looming on my mind. And fear for her!
I also gotta point out this guy wasn’t paying a penny for anything. She was having to support Romeo.
What is it with some men? Is it that their male hormones are so out of control? Would some shots of estrogen help them? I’m not being derogatory. I am serious.
Cause no one can talk any sense into his head. Cause he is right! Cause he’s a man! Doesn’t matter that he’s not taking the role of financial supporter. He’s a man and he can use his large size and deep voice to control the little bitch.
Oh! I also gotta point out when Chas Bono went through male hormone injections she didn’t realize she was getting man-bitchy with her girlfriend. She saw it as the girlfriends emotional issue. I gotta wonder if those male hormones are kinda danger prone.
Wouldn’t it be sweet if a court were to order a man to receive estrogen shots? Why not? The court can order probation, or counseling, or death sentence, or life in prison, or two life terms in prison. Why not offer the option of estrogen shots in exchange for a shorter sentence?
Jeanie812 – if estrogen were only the answer!
What is wrong with some people, is what I want to know! I have run into just as many female spaths as males, and the females are more conniving and manipulative than the men are.
To clarify, my recent experiences with the exspath have caused me to call into question every aspect of my own life from trust to sexuality, and I have no intention of ever, EVER, ever, ever entertaining a partnership with another man. I do not “hate” men – I have many male friends and mentors. But, I have made 2 very, very bad choices in spouses, and this last one left me blindsided on every level as a result of his betrayals.
Spath Island, I keep saying this!!!!! 😉
My spath sis who is cold, callous and lacks empathy, sees me as emotional and weak because I care. To her, I am “sick” and she has convinced others I need help. She influences family and friends who don’t “get it”, who pity me and want to “help” me. They want the “person they used to know”,…..back. If I refuse their “help” I’m judged as being in denial and this just supports their primed belief. She tells lies about me, primes others and of course they won’t accept that they have been groomed to respond to her subtle manipulations.
When spathzilla’s expectations are being met everything is fine, but as soon as people don’t fit in with what she’s planning, that’s when the trouble starts. Her way or no way.
20yrs
I also beat myself up for not being able to see. I thought I must be lacking something…..stupid. Why couldn’t I see and understand things like others could. I was vulnerable and knew it but I didn’t know how to be strong. I tried to please, to be friendly, accommodating with no boundaries.
Wasn’t that my role? I needed to belong and blamed myself for failing. Solution? Try harder! I now know my efforts were never going to work. So sad. All that precious energy gone!
Family and friends who don’t “get it” because they can’t see the injury don’t understand my NC with spath/sis and enabler/bro. They try to “help” me re-establish contact and see me as ungrateful of their efforts and get angry with me.
I’m seen as the bad one in being obstructive. There is no explaining to someone who doesn’t “get it.” I am so tired.
Jeannie, a “famous” criminal here in Arkansas was a guy named Wayne Dumond. He raped a girl and supposedly her family castrated him but there is actually some evidence he may have done it to himself, but anyway…he had NO testicles so he had no testosterone. He got a LONG sentence and went to prison. Of course he kept appealing because of the castration. Well, finally our Governor Huckabee let the guy out as loing as he would LEAVE ARKANSAS and he went to Missouri where he married and within a very short time he had RAED AGAIN and KILLED HER.
Some rapists are court ordered to take hormone shots that are “chemical castration” but rape is not a SEX CRIME it is a CONTROL FREAK CRIME. Its all about humiliation of the victim.