There comes a time when nurture becomes nature.
This is the time when nurture and nature become inextricable, inseparable.
I suspect nobody knows precisely when this point arrives in the development of a given individual, but the immediate ramification is this: When you are involved specifically with a sociopath, or any exploitative personality, it is imperative that you stop asking how this person became who he is?
Sure, he likely endured—and was shaped by—some form of neglect or abuse growing up, and if this wasn’t obvious in the history, it was still likely there.
But here’s the point: it doesn’t matter. Not one bit.
Instead, you must relinquish your empathy, compassion and curiosity—in short, every emotion that supports your obsession to understand the genesis and evolution of your exploiter’s pathology—and confront the reality that you are dealing with (as I propose) a case of nurture becoming nature, about which there’s not a damned thing, at this point, to be done.
The damage, in other words, was baked into his character a long time ago. There is no ameliorating it now. Not all the love in the world—nothing that you have, or think you have, or thought you had to give him—will dent the petrification of his psychopathology.
His diseased personality disease is immutable, as good as etched in his DNA. Case closed.
And so what you do is this: You run for the hills, just as you’d run from a rabid dog that perhaps once was innocent and gentle. Now the dog is rabid: it no longer matters how it became rabid. And so you run, fast, and you don’t look back, because every second you allow false hope to delay you increases your risk of grievous harm.
You may have loved that dog; maybe loved it before it became rabid, or maybe it was rabid all along and you just didn’t know it. And maybe you even still love that rabid dog, or the persisting fantasy of it as unrabid.
But the dog is rabid, and a rabid dog doesn’t love you, and it was probably rabid going way back and never really loved you as you once imagined, but again”¦it makes no difference.
There are rabid animals, and there are rabid people, and neither loves you.
And so the time for analysis, of him, is up.
To be clear: I appreciate the need to make sense of trauma. But at some point, the analysis of exploiters can assume an obsessive desperation that subverts, rather than supports, the processing of trauma.
I speak here from the position of having worked with many victims of exploitive personalities who are very much like stunned deer caught, and as if suspended indefinitely, in the headlights.
One of the vital tasks is to unstun them.
And sometimes the dogged determination to “make sense” of, to “analyze” the exploitive traumatizer can be a disguised obsession with discovering something in the history (his or yours) that you insist on imagining would have made a difference”¦would have made him different?
We can search this angle interminably. And unless we call off the search, we will.
And it’s a search we’re wise to call off because it can effectively bring us to a standstill, forever.
(My use of “he” in this article was a convenience, not meant to imply that women aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear Tami,
Yea, sounds to me like your X S ALSO GOT WHAT HE DESERVED! Maybe they deserve each other would be a more complete way of putting it.
I realize you tryed to “warn her” in good faith. She is playing a Drama Triangle game, and yes, that is what 13 year old girls do, about 7th grade they are sooooo into “drama”—-and some of them get stuck there and stay there for the rest of their lives.
There is a google ad tht flashes across the top of my screen sometimes on LF “who is calling your man? Click here and find out her name, address and background”
DRAMA RAMA. Got to find out who she is and make her leave my man alone! Protect my turf.
Nah, if she can take him, she can have him.
I think you are right, I think she may be planning a back up, but WHATEVER she is planning, I think you don’t need to be part of the CAST OF THAT PLAY. You did your best to give her warning, and she has taken advantage of your PITY and COMPASSION to recurit you for her drama triangle production, so if it is any consulation to you, your P picked a dysfunctional pseudo-victim who may be as manipulative as he is. Or as my Parrot says, “OHHHHHHH, WELLLLLLLLL” Wonder where the parrot learned that phrase. LOL
Ox drover and others,
You know, this may sound nuts but when I found out that it was she that he was leaving me for, the first words out of my mouth to him was “I think you may have met your match”. This was BEFORE I had ANY idea that he was a sociopath and my own statement didn’t even make sense to me at the time. Once he insisted just a few days after he left that I communicate all the divorce info and such to HER, I was angry and felt like striking out at both of them! Then, it was like a calming voice said to me “their punishment will be each other”. LOL! KARMA! There’s good and there’s bad!
Dear Tami,
It is OLD wisdom that if he will cheat on his wife with YOU, he will eventually cheat on YOU. She knowingly also CHEATED ON YOU so we know where her moral compass points don’t we. Yes, THEY DESERVE EACH OTHER….I’m just sorry that you were sucked into the DRAMA RAMA by her pretending to be a VICTIM when in fact, she is NO VICTIM at all, they are CO-ABUSERS.
Unfortunately, these CO-ABUSERS posing as “victims” give real victims a BAD NAME of “asking for it” and so on.
Now that does not mean that a real victim may not out of pain “strike back” at the abuser once in a while, but it is NOT A LIFE PATTERN, and my bet is that Biddy’s LIFE PATTERN is filled with DRAMA and CHEATING and ABUSE/ABUSING as well just like your X and her present “husband.”
Distancing ourselves from these people who are continually producing “drama” and not really searching for healing is one thing that I think it is IMPORTANT, VERY IMPORTANT, for us to learn.
I think some of the tip offs are that when we feel ilke we are trying to “save someone from themselves” there is a good chance they may not be a true victim, but instead a co-abuser.
I think another tip off is “have they been a cheater in the past? Or multiple times?”
Are they trying to get PITY from us, to suck us into feeling sorry for their SELF MADE PLIGHT?
Do they actually show any signs of DOING anything constructive for themselves to fix the situation? Or is this all just talk?
Do they continue to stick their hands in the fire and then cry because they get burned again?
Do they lie to or do underhanded things to their partner? Then validate the rightness of this because “he also lies?” (not doing self protective things, but drama producing things)
It doesn’t matter WHICK “chair” is our favorite “chair” in the DRAMA RAMA, whether we prefer the victim chair, the abuser chair or the rescuer chair, AS LONG AS WE SIT IN ANY OF THE CHAIRS, OR PLAY THT GAME, WE ARE INVOLVED IN THE DRAMA RAMA.
Setting boundaries with people who try to suck us into that “game” is the only way to stay out of the game. That means we cannot ATTEMPT to “rescue” someone, under the guise of “helping” them. That is a fine line between giving someone an opportunity to HELP THEMSELVES, and trying to RESCUE them by doing for them what they should be doing for themselves. That is definitely what MY OWN DOWNFALL WAS, and I still struggle with it daily. I guess I will all my life.
My adopted son D’s bio sister called him the other night and one of their family members is dying, he had not gone out of state to see this woman as he has no real relationship with her, and in fact, doesn’t even like the woman, but his sister called him and chewed him for “not being there for the family” He actually hung up on her for this blast. I could see that it was very disturbing to him though to be yelled at by his bio-sister. He doesn’t “do” being yelled at well at all, because of incidents when he was very young in which he remembers violent verbal outbursts with furniture flying around the room.
I realize his sister is a) very young, 19, and b) this is the first death in her extended family and she doesn’t really know how to handle and cope with it. To her it is a very emotional event.
He finally drove up to the state where the lady is on her death bed (he had planned to just go up for the funeral) and most likely will stay there until the funeral is over, just to support his sister if nothing else.
I actually was glad that he hung up on his sister, though, as that is something he would NEVER have done previously. He would never have set the boundary of “you can’t talk to me like that” by hanging up with a family member or anyone he loved.
It probably would have been better if he had been able to verbalize to her, “suzie, I do not appreciate you speaking to me like that. Let’s talk when you are calmer” and THEN have hung up the phone, but we make “progress” in steps, and just him refusing to sit still for her tongue lashing and accusations is a BIG step forward so it is progress.
Tami,
I believe one of the biggest indicators that biddy herself has shown that she isn’t ready or even WILLING to get help in her situation is that she came here on LF for a short period and never came back.
Yes, it would be possible to come here to soon and not be “ready” to hear the truth. However she also chose not to come back.
You, all along might be telling her the exact same things the posters here on LF have told her. However she can always “justify” to herself that you have “ulterior motive” for saying what you are saying to her. Even though of course you are trying to point out the TRUTH to her, and have NO motive for doing this. (other than HER best interest) She can still CHOOSE to believe what she wants to believe.
When she post here and everyone tells her the same things you do she can’t justify that we have anything “invested” in her beloved man. And so she can’t deal with that and backs off. She can’t make the same excuses that she does when she talks to you (in her mind)
So actually you would almost be doing her a favor by backing off completely. Tell her to post here if she needs some one to talk to. If she is really ready for “help” she will come back.
As much as you might continue to point out the TRUTH to her and as much as her reality is the TRUTH…She isn’t accepting this truth from you.
Tami,
it’s very interesting that you “knew” that Biddy and your xP were a “match” before you really knew anything. My subconscience also tends to “see” things years before I can acknowledge them as part of my reality. The way I know that my subconscience has seen something is because, like you, I will SAY what my subconscience is seeing and not know WHY I said it.
Just months after meeting my P, I told people that he was a serial killer. LOL. I thought I was joking. But now I realize that I was saying what was actually going through my mind, I just couldn’t really face it. I used the word serial killer because I didn’t know the word sociopath at age 18. I just knew that he was extremely dangerous, even though he was as sweet as honey and always protective of me. I don’t know how I could tell. When I was reading “People of the Lie” I knew that I had to hide the book and read when he wasn’t around, even though I didn’t believe that the book was about him at all!
Skylar, you went where I dare not to go! I have the same thing going on with my subsconscience. I sense things before they happen or have a very strong sense of intuition or SOMETHING. My ex S actually believes that I am a witch because I was able to tell him things that he had done during the day when he was away from me. I’d tell him certain breeds of dogs that he’d interacted with and even know when he’d flirted with a woman. He’d give me that “deer in headlights” look. However, I certainly didn’t SEE what he REALLY was or I’d of been gone. But, like you, I seem to know things…maybe it comes from life experiences or witnessing the experiences of others. Who knows?
Witsend and others,
Concerning Biddy. Yes, I have come to believe the she does not want help because she doesn’t need it! I think she doubts herself from time to time but that she now fully realizes that he really isn’t going to change…not even for her! I think that for a long time that she was in denial and under his spell. I think he had her convinced that I, and every other woman he’d ever known, wanted him back. So, she felt she was in constant competition. I do believe that she has finally realized that I certainly don’t want him. For one thing, I’m remarried to a wonderful man who I love with all my heart as he does me.
I had always been fortunate enough to have a comfortable life before I met the S and married him. During the 8 years that I was married to him, I slipped totally backward…and nearly lost everything I’d worked for. My family grew more and more concerned as they watched me struggle and dance to keep the bills paid and make him happy. They were also alarmed by the fact that they were seeing less and less of me. THIS is now Biddy’s life!
Since marrying my new husband, I resigned from my job of 27 years to help him with the paperwork for his business which takes all of 15 minutes a day. I went from driving a 1996 Toyota Camry (great car, btw, stil going strong) to driving a beautiful BMW. We have a Harley, boat, my husband is also pilot so we fly here and there and I take a lot of air shots with my camera, etc. My husband and I also spend a lot of time with our families and traveling about to experience new things together that are of interest to BOTH of us. I love taking pics and capture these moments with my camera. The S has isolated her from her family and she misses them terribly. My husband and I are far from wealthy but we’re comfortable because we’re both very ambitious hard workers and we are VERY frugal! If we want something, we SAVE until we have the money to buy it at the best deal we can find! Through pictures on my Facebook page, she can see that my life has improved 300% since divorcing the S who is now her husband. She also sees that I’m back to living the life I lived before getting hooked up the S and it is very similar to the 13 year life that she lived with the husband she left for my ex S after having only a 3 weeks affair with him! The S certainly knows how to rush people into making rash and bad decisions!
However, I’m beginning to see a very different side of her. She tells me how she hates his trashy friends, feels nasty after she’s had sex with him, sees him as a fat old man who is losing his boyish charm, complains about his constant phone calls and attention needs, and uses some pretty bad names to describe him! Things a loving wife would never say about her husband. She complains that he will not work and that she can’t afford to miss a minute of work even when she’s seriously ill. She’s young and fashion means a lot to her. She complains that she can’t afford her fav brand of designer jeans anymore. She says that EVERYTHING has to be about him and that she’s tired of it. And, every other day she reports a new argument that they’ve had the evening before. She also talks about crying all the way home on her love drive in from work every evening because she doesn’t want to go home and deal with him. She says she feels trapped.
I honestly feel that she did not hear a thing I tried to tell her before because she now comes to me for validation of the very same things that I tried to tell her. It’s like she’s waking up. She seems to use me as her own personal LF and says that she feels that I’m the only one who understands what she’d dealing with because she knows that I have first hand experience. I have encouraged Biddy to come back to LF but she cannot afford internet access at home and is only able to get online for short periods of time from her workplace. In the past, I have copied and sent her articles from LF for her to read. I feel that for a long time she experienced a lot of mixed feelings about our communication. Sometimes, I think she felt the need to defend him, other times I think she felt that I was telling her these things to get her to leave him so that I could have a chance at winning him back. Think about it, the extent of what a S is capable of is a bit overwhelming and difficult to believe! I’m sure she must have felt that I HAD to be exaggerating my own experience with him. Well, now she’s been involved with him long enough that she’s experiencing these these things for herself. I stopped offering information a long time ago because I was beginning to sound like a broken record.
I have followed the earlier advice offered by LF readers of suggesting that she focus on her own happiness and figure out what SHE’S going to do to achieve it with or without the S. I’ve told her that I can’t wave a magic wand and fix her life…only she can do that. I no longer bash his behavior…really no need to…she’s doing all the bashing now. As I stated in an earlier post, I believe that she’s working on doing that right now…not the best escape plan in my opinion…but I think she is involved with another man. I just hope that he is a normal man! I sincerely hope that it is her ex-husband. He’s always wanted her back and he’s a good hard working boy. He also knows the history of my ex S from the people in the community. He feels that he targeted HIS wife and chose her for a victim so forgiving her is easy because he blames him totally. Her family loves her ex-husband and detest the very sight of the S and have never accepted him and never will!
So, I’ve resigned myself to pretty much being a listener and suggesting that she figure out what she’s going to do to address her problems. I threw out the “run, Forrest, run” approach and am allowing her to follow her own gut instincts.
Dear Tami,
What “normal” woman would leave a marriage of 13 years after 3 WEEJKS of an affair with a married man? COME ON, what is “normal” or “smart” or even reasonable about that choice of BIDDY’s?
All her crfying to you is just I think DRAMA for her. She goes from one bad situation to another, leaps before she looks then cries cause she jumped out of teh frying pan into the fire.
Yea, she will find herself another BF before she leaves your X for the next “winner” (NOT!!!) If she isn’t a DRAMA queen, please describe to me the one who IS?
So SANE person would jump ship into another relationship like that if she wasn’t a drama queen. Three weeks for goodness sakes. BTW if he will cheat on his wife, he will cheat on you, and she was cheating on her husband, so she will cheat on the P–I think they DESERVE each other, they are BOTH disordered and she loves the PITY just like ALL Ps.
My “diagnosis” is that Biddy is a pity playing Psychopath.
I’m glad that you jgot away from him and I suggest that for your own sake you ought to get the hell away from HER as well. You can’t save her against her will. It is like trying to teach a pig to sing, it frustrates you and pisses off the pig.
OXY’S CRYSTAL BALL HERE: She will find another man to “save” her from the P—because drama queens can’t stand to be alone, or to quit one relationship until they have another one in the wings. they move from one to the next in a series of BAD DECISOINS and then cry about how they are “adused” they give real victims a bad name because then others think we are also “CO=abusers” when in fact we are not co-abusers but enablers taking care of others when we should be taking care of ourselves.
Thanks for your article on the rabid dog Steve. Hi everyone. I have been freshly duped. My story seems so trivial compared to everyone else’s as I was only involved with and discovered this sociopath for 3 months but my feelings are like those who’ve been involved and married to one for years. I think perhaps I was naive and too trusting…and fell for a pathological liar who was an intelligent, textbook sociopath. While I feel great I was able to recognize the red flags, I grieve still and feel as if I had a brush with the devil. I feel so violated and deceived. It is such a dichotomy for me b/c at the same time, I still miss him however I realize it is the pre-rabid dog whom I miss. This is by far the most traumatizing experience I’ve ever had in the handful of relationships I’ve been in in my life.
So here is the story. I work in a reputable hospital in the transplant surgery department. This sociopath is a transplant surgeon whom I met in April this year. We started seeing each other in August so it was a slow “getting to know you as friends process”. He lied from day one and wooed me with all the right charm, intelligence, wit, and quiet confidence that I was so shocked to see in a physician. I’ve worked with doctors/surgeons for over 10 years (I am a health professional who works closely with surgeons, sorry need to protect my privacy) and the majority are arrogant, promiscuous, and sheltered b/c they spend so much time at the hospital it is nearly impossible to have the healthy relationship I am looking for. Two months of getting close to him – spending all his available nights together and sharing w/each other – I find out through a friend he is married with 3 kids. I confront him to which he makes up this story that he lives with 2 government officials who have his phone tapped b/c he has been chosen as a government informant/mole to follow this acclaimed guru liver transplant surgeon at my hospital for fraud. THIS IS TRUE. I have to maintain a level of privacy here but it has been all over the news for the past five to ten years, this head transplant surgeon who has been performing liver transplants to the Japanese mafia and many other “cash patients” at the expense of many people who are on the list with less money. The usual wait time to get a liver is 2 years and many have died b/c they were passed on by the “mafia” who have more money to offer. I have probably given it away b/c it was on the news a few weeks ago.
Please don’t think I’m crazy (why would i believe such a thing?) but we had hours of conversation on why I can never tell anyone that he is a spy on this head surgeon. He is in a 2 year contract as that’s how long his fellowship is and he is not to tell a single soul nor is he allowed to date (because this would reveal who he is). His first year he was fine b/c he never met anyone, then his second year he met me. Well they did a background search on me and he knew that I was raised by my grandparents before I even told him. He said he had a script to follow, that being married made him look safe and not a threat to the head surgeon so that he (the head surg) would confide in him things that the government can use to bring him down in the future- which will happen in a few years (which in all honesty is probably true). I even asked him the 2 government officials names – Mike and James, one is overweight who loves Dunkin Donuts. They live with him in his apartment in the second bedroom. In exchange for being a mole, he gets free rent. I asked him, all this for free rent? Is it really worth it?? To which he replied – I guess it was naivete. If I had known, I would not do this. If I had a choice to get out now, I would do it.
He reasoned everything which sort of made sense – why he never called and texted (phone is tapped), why he always left the phone downstairs when we were upstairs (at my house). He even showed proof of his tax W2 filings to show that he was single (he changed it from married as I found out later you can do that in the computer system we use). In the subsequent few weeks to follow, we had conversation after conversation about why I felt the trust was violated. I asked him a gazillion times to look me in the eye and tell me was not married, never been married, and has no kids. He even pinky promised me. He wanted to start over, start anew and do it right, etc. Don’t get me wrong, we had I thought a normal “getting to know each other” period – we talked about our past relationships, our childhood, growing up, our futures. We shared our goals for a family (?!!) and what kind of wife he wanted, etc. We laughed and got close over time and became so comfortable around each other he told me he almost wanted to say that “he loved me after a few months but hesitated b/c how could he feel this way towards someone so soon?” The clincher – he was always hesitant with being intimate with me so of course I was thinking, what possibly could he be using me for b/c it wasn’t physical! Later he confronted that he couldn’t be intimate b/c he hadn’t told me everything about his life (about him being a government informant) and soon after that, our sex life improved, albeit slowly, as I always had to initiate. But in the end he was a very generous lover so it was definitely a very gradual thing that I didn’t question. (I have since gotten a full STD check and pray to God I am clean – even tho he says he does not have anything.) I mostly believed him b/c he spent all his free time with me – 2-3 nights a week. How could one do this if he had 3 kids and a wife? Wouldn’t the phone ring when he spent his ENTIRE weekend off with me? I later learned that sociopaths don’t really love their children. He is so far removed from his wife and kids it is scary. I learned that his motive to be with me was b/c I made him “feel alive” with love, support, and acceptance – things that he wasn’t getting from his wife. He loved that he could talk about his work with me and I understood. He loved my warmth and continuous support for his career. He loved my personality and the humor and color that I added to his life. yes, very sociopathic indeed b/c it is always about THEM and what they are getting out of it. He gave me just enough to keep me interested and into him. He was affectionate and loving without too much flattery – he was slick. The right amount to not look suspicious.
So he mixed truth with untruth to get me to believe he was not married w/3 kids. Yes, this story sounds crazy and I admit I am ashamed to have believed him for 2.5 weeks – but not without hesitation. I started my background searches which brought up his wife’s name. One thing lead to another and I saw pictures of his wife and kids. That was the end of it. This guy was a professional actor as I’ve ever seen one. He lied and made up imaginary stories that rolled off his tongue with such smoothness. I read that book by Martha Stout – “The sociopath next door” and was able to see all his tactics and he used every single one of them – pity ploy, the cold stoic stare, silence when confronted, lie after lie, crocodile tears, etc. He even went as far as to say that a girl in college whom he loved died in a car crash and he hasn’t been able to love since (this man is 35). Just to get my sympathy and to get me to feel sorry for him and that he knew “he needed to see a therapist” to deal with this inability to let his guard down — in addition to his parents divorcing right after the death (who knows if this is true). I never went to his house (he said he only told me one lie – that his mom lived with him but this was a diversion so I would never ask to come over since our ‘relationship’ was still new and early). In truth, he lived with his wife and 3 kids. The only inconsistency he has with the usual characteristics of being a sociopath is that he doesn’t jump from job to job and has been married for 10 years…not sure how to explain this. Perhaps he is a focused sociopath. He is obviously an intelligent one.
Even after I confronted him w/the evidence, his cold silent stare said it all. I started crying hysterically (I DO NOT believe in infidelity and I am not the kind of woman to be the “other woman” nor will I ever be with a married man much less w/children). All the while, he kept saying, “no, it’s not what it looks like. I just didn’t want to lose you b/c I knew if I told you from the get go, you would not have wanted to be with me.” ???!! This sociopath thinks he did no wrong. At that point, I knew he was mentally ill. I told his lies are pathological and scary. He continued his lies. “his marriage has been dead for 3 years but they opted to just be separated for the sake of the kids. She’s brainwashed the girls. I feel like a stranger when I go home to my kids. She says she is ready for divorce whenever “I am ready to lose the kids”. They live together now so the kids can see him b/c if the wife took them, he would never see them (b/c of his on call operating schedule). I’m thinking – you never see your kids anyways as it is b/c you’re always at my house! There may be some truth b/c he pretty much lives at the hospital. Even when he is done, he stays at the hospital. But whatever – his failed 10 year marriage is not my business. He even succeeded in making me feel sorry for him – “oh I feel like I am a failure…I failed my wife, I did wrong to my kids, I failed you, etc. I know God is going to punish me b/c I know in the end I will be by myself and that is something I will have to live with.” I DID feel pity for him. I couldn’t believe how he was able to turn it around.
It has been only been one week since the confrontation and I have lost my mind. I’ve never experienced something so ghastly in my life. I’ve never been conned by such evilness. I have been on the internet reading about pathological liars which lead to antisocial personality d/o and eventually to sociopaths/psychopaths. This blog is a godsend. I also checked out the Martha Stout book almost IMMEDIATELY and learned everything I could about sociopaths. I fully understand the rabid dog. I have cut contact with him entirely. He tried to stalk me at the hospital yesterday, waiting for me in the cafeteria patio (I saw him and took a different route) then proceeded to walk past where I work and eventually coming to me and asking to talk just one last time. I shook my head (I was in the company of my co-workers) and just put my hand up as if to shut him out and walked away. I read that once sociopaths realize they can’t win or manipulate anymore, they leave and won’t bother you. I hope that is true b/c the first few days I thought I was in danger.
I never had closure b/c I know that you can’t reason with someone who does not have a conscience, someone who feels no remorse, guilt, or shame for what he did, and especially someone who cannot love or have any kind of emotional attachment with human beings. He does not think he did anything wrong. I could illustrate and prove all his lies to him and he would just have more lies to explain the ones he already told me. He would spin his web of lies to reel me in emotionally. I don’t want that. I am glad that this was only a 3 month experience. I read everyone’s posts on here and I CANNOT imagine the pain many of you feel in your years of being w/ sociopaths. I don’t know what else he has done to take advantage of me. He was cheap but we never got close enough for him to ask me to borrow money (surgeons don’t make much in their training years so i mostly paid for everything which is probably a red flag in and of itself). I also learned that I was more trusting b/c he was in a position of authority. He is a good surgeon, well respected at the hospital, truly cares for his patients (a very good act he puts on), and has a bright future ahead of him (he will finish in 7 months). Everyone loves him at the hospital; boy does he have everyone fooled. Oh yes, he also lied and said he want to Harvard Medical School. I checked the alumni white pages and his name doesn’t come up. Why does he feel the need to make himself look so great? Isn’t getting into medical school good enough and going through a 7 year surgery residency good enough he has to inflate his image even more by saying he went to Harvard?? If I didn’t work with him at the hospital I would even doubt he is a transplant surgeon.
It feels good to write this out to you although I feel like an idiot. I have ceased crying now but am incredibly SAD that something has ended. I don’t know what to do with these feelings I have for someone who was a fake. I feel as though my inner being has been destroyed. I know I will get better in time but it can’t come fast enough. I read in Kathleen Hawks healing series, which I am embarrassed to admit – am I too trusting, too naive, too altruistic, too dumb to not have known earlier? Why did I believe the government mole story? I was already in too deep then. I stayed for another 2.5 weeks in denial while doing my own background checks. Do i have a dishonest streak that makes me susceptible to him? I was so happy I found someone whom I thought I connected with and knew of a possible future with. Was it greed that I knew he was going to be successful in the very near future? These thoughts cross my mind. Of course he egged them on, he talked about wanting me in his life in the long run and a possible engagement. Would I move if his job landed elsewhere? Even after the confrontation, he said that he had started divorce papers already and can’t wait to get out in 7 months. I was someone who has all the qualities he is looking for in a person he would want to remarry; he hasn’t felt this way since he got married. blah blah blah. Now I know it is all lies. He robbed my soul but I wonder what else his motive was? Just to see if I was weak and vulnerable and would fall for his manipulation and need to dominate? just for fun?
I am wondering how I can get rid of these feelings I have for a sociopath. I know in time they will die but there is no logic for me to reason it in my own head. I actually miss him and I miss the good times. I still wonder what he is doing. Every minute I wonder if he is going to walk by or if I’m going to cross paths with him at work or if I’m going to get a text from him. I know better than to contact him but am I the sick one now? Please feel free to comment.
Witsend,
I can’t say that I can fairly judge her as being “normal” or “abnormal” or not because she left her husband so quickly. My ex S, like all other S’s, has a way of moving people quickly without giving them time to think. She was barely 30 years old at the time and I’m sure he flattered her by saying things to her that she hadn’t heard from anyone in a very long time. It’s almost like he has some kind of freaky powers that allows him to lead people where they would normally dare not go. He did pretty much the same thing to me as well as the woman he had an affair with awhile back. All three of us, admit that he had no problem at all in persuading us to do things that were totally out of character for us. I certainly KNOW that he had that affect on me! It’s scary to know that there are people living amongst us like him! I admit, that all three of us were in vulnerable positions at the time but I really don’t think the average/normal man could have accomplished what he did. The nearest thing I can compare it with is being hypnotized! It’s like losing all sense of rationale…I honestly think this man could convince a woman to jump off a cliff and make her believe that she would survive the fall. He’s too GOOD at what he does and that makes him LETHAL. The other girl and I were much older than Biddy when we had the unfortunate experience of meeting him. We feel like total idiots and should have known better. We’d both been played, abused and misused before and thought we could easily detect these things in people. We felt that Biddy’s youth and lack of experience got in her way. I have not been in contact with her since I told her that I would not play Madam P.I. for her.