By | November 17, 2009 58 Comments

Your voice. It counts.

When I was with the man whose lies no longer hurt me, I believed he held my freedom in his hands. I believed I could only be free with his love. With his words. His voice feeding me the lies I called the truth. The lies I believed were truth and was too afraid to uncover with my questions, with my doubt, with my fear he was telling lies.

Freed of him, I know the truth. I am free when I watch my words. When I listen to my voice. When I hear my thoughts and acknowledge my presence in my life — without measuring my journey against someone else’s belief they hold my freedom in their hands.

It took me awhile to get here. Here to this place where I know my value is found in everything I do and say. In every step I take to claim my birthright to be my most incredible self.

See, I believe we are all born magnificent. It’s the journey through life that robs us of our brilliance. It’s the road through where we came from, where we’ve been, that takes us away from where we are meant to be in all our brilliant light.

With the man whose lies no longer hurt me gone from my life, I am free to be all of me. Free to dance in the rain. To shout out for joy at the top of my lungs just for the sheer exhilaration of having a voice that can be heard. A voice I’m willing to raise. To speak up. To yell out with. A voice.

It is perhaps the greatest thing I lost throughout that relationship. My voice. My belief that my words. What I had to say, what I thought, what I wanted to speak of counted. For me. For those I love. For something other than just the filling in of the space between where my truth ended and the lies began of someone who could not hear me.

I swallowed a lot of words with the man whose lies no longer hurt me. I swallowed so many words I almost choked to death.
In freedom, I pull out all stops, unblock my vocal chords, polish up my song and sing for joy that I am free to give voice to what inspires me, encourages me, motivates me, sets me free. I am free to speak up and be heard. I am free to speak of what is important to me and know because it is important to me, it is important to my life.

You can’t do that when you’re with an abuser. Speak up, that is. You can’t speak up because his voice is always drowning out your words. His voice is pouring out lies and with all those lies, you can’t make sense of your own name, let alone who you are, what is happening, what’s going on, what’s the problem, what’s the issue. You can’t make sense of his nonsense because his voice keeps pounding in your ears, filling your mind with poisonous words that clog up your thinking and push back the sound of your own voice speaking up.

I never spoke up with the man whose lies no longer hurt me. I never gave voice to my fears, my tears, my sorrow, my confusion.

Except once. I yelled at him. It was on the phone. It was after a particularly long bout of his telling me how ungrateful, how selfish, how stupid I was. I yelled at him to STOP IT! He didn’t listen. He kept screaming at me.

I threw the phone across the room and I cried. Deep wrenching sobs that spilled out from my gut. Tears streaming, my voice silent as I stared at the handset where it lay on the floor a few feet from me. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

I had no voice when I was with him. He didn’t want me to have one. So I made sure I didn’t. I always did what he wanted. My doing what he said was the balance in our relationship. As long as I toed the line, obeyed, played the role he created for me, dressed in the clothes he set out for me, walked the way he wanted, talked the way he needed me to speak, saying the things he wanted me to say, balance was maintained. As long as I kept my voice silent, there was no shift of power, no unsettling of the unsettling balance we maintained with my silence.

It is a fine line we walk when toeing the line of their abuse. It is the line of self-annihilation. The pyre of self-immolation. We burn the threads leading to our past, scratch out the road leading from who we were and who we want to be as we become all they want us to believe we deserve: Their victim. Their possession. Their object.

In freedom, I walked away from who he told me I was into the truth of who I am when I let go of believing I was safer if I just stayed silent.

I don’t believe in silence. Silence is violence.

The violence of his abuse was found there. In silence. It lurked. It waited and it tortured me with its need to keep me still in the unspeakable darkness of the web of his deceit.

No more.

Today. I am free. Today. I speak up. I speak out. I speak for what is loving and healing and kind and caring of me.

Today, I turn up for me and speak my truth knowing I am free as long as I walk in the light of being my most magnificent self, every moment of every day.

It is my manifesto. My right. My destiny. My truth.

I am a magnificent human being on the journey of her lifetime dancing in the light of being all I’m meant to be when I walk in freedom from abuse.

You can be here too. Dancing in the light. Singing out for joy. All it takes is letting go of the bonds that keep your voice silent. All it takes is speaking up. Speaking your truth. Speaking your joy. Living in the exhilaration of being alive in this crazy-mixed-up oh so beautiful world where you are free to be, deeply, profoundly, noisily, vocally, You.

You are amazing. And don’t let anyone else tell you differently. You are magnificent. Exactly the way you are. And your voice counts. And when we count our voices together, we become a mighty force. For change. For truth. For freedom.

Let your voice be heard.

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While I was reading your blog post the thought came to me –
what a gift the written word is – what a gift that we have printing presses and computers – what a gift it is that there are people willing to take the time to write their thoughts, their learning and to unselfishly share it with the rest of the world – how lost I would be without words come as gifts from others –

yes there are all those words that wounded us – but like a knife, a gun, a hammer, an axe – words are tools and can be used for good or for evil –

I am so grateful for your word M. That was a stunningly beautiful piece and I am so glad it is what I read to start my day.

Blessings to you for sharing your gift.

Ox Drover

Dear Louise,

Your lovely, joyful words speak volumes, poetry in prose, a philosophy of loving self. Thank you for this magical, musical article that resonates like a bird song in spring.


What beautiful words ‘”Dancing in the light. Singing out for joy.” And don’t forget to laugh.


Thank you for your words. As always..thought provoking, inspirational, and beautiful. I guess I’ve had a bit of a revelation this morning reading this. I guess I never thought of my ex as controlling. Or that I didn’t have a voice. But I didn’t. It’s so clear to me now. I was expected to be PERFECT and when I wasn’t up to par, he had no problem telling me about it. If I wasn’t tan enough, he wanted me to tan, he told me what finger nail polish to wear..and god for bid if I had chipped nail polish, that was a big no no. He wouldn’t touch me if I hadn’t completely shaved every inch of my body…for 4 years that man never saw one single hair (just ridiculous now that I look back) He would scold me if we were in public and someone other than him was speaking to me for too long, said I made him look bad because everyone knew I was HIS woman. He told me he would dump me if I ever changed my hair color. He told me I wasn’t allowed to move away to go to college because he wouldn’t travel to see me (ironic, because I know he flew to see other women). I wasn’t allowed to drink coffee or eat onions because he didn’t like the way my mouth tasted if I kissed him. All of these things seem so silly to me now. Everything was his way…all of the time. It makes me sad to think that I didn’t realize it then. I was under his spell. Literally afraid to mess things up. I wanted to be perfect for him because I loved him and wanted him to be happy. But I know now, that he loved the image of me. All of his tactics were ways of controlling me and drowning my little voice out. He hated when I spoke up. Anytime I did, it was grounds for him to disappear and come up with some reason for why he was mad at me. And in some sick way, I always found myself apologizing and trying to make peace. God it was so sick.
Well, I feel free now. It’s a scary free. But I don’t live under this pressure that I was under for 4 years. It’s such a big relief in some ways. I have no nail polish on, and the polish on my toes is super chipped. I haven’t shaved my legs in weeks, and I’m drinking a big ass mug of coffee. I just thought I was being a considerate girlfriend at the time, but he was using these things to control me and I see it now.
The last time we spoke, my little voice was ready to be heard. Everything that I swallowed for 4 years, every time I bit my tongue…it all came spewing out that night. I’ve often said that I’m glad my little voice didn’t give up on me, because I sure did. My life was spent to make him happy. My happiness depended on his. Well not anymore and it’s such a good feeling to be doing what I want to do. I’m free to dance in the rain, singing out in joy!! Thanks Louise, your words have helped me once again to realize another step in my healing process. I will continue to make my voice be heard.


Dear Louise. Thank you so much for your wonderful words. Yes, silence is violence! At my work they try to annihilate me through silence. They won’t succeed. Unfortunately I can’t fight them overtly because I think, no I am certain they can also ruin my future, so I keep up the mask of normalcy and come here reading for encouragement. You can’t imagine how much your words helped me through the day today. Thanks from the bottom of my heart.


Ugh, I need a virtual hug. 🙁

I do believe wholeheartedly in NC and have not spoken to Satan, despite his attempts to contact me, since I last saw him in court two years ago.

However, I have two colleagues who had ties to him. I did address those because I found it interable not to. One appologized to me, said he did not understand the nature of the situation and broke off professional and personal contact with that individual (the con man to whom I had been married).

The second is married to the bag man, who handled the extortion. Needless to say, that discussion has not gone well.

I know, I know.. But I did need closure. I also understand there is no way that second colleague is going to admit her family’s role in the abuse given her vested interest in the matter.

Anyway, I’m fairly confident I’m not making any sense whatsoever…just needed to vent.


We need an Oxy call-in line. 😉


You go girl! I’m so glad you’re seeing through the charade.


Thanks Donna,
I know I’m doing the right things for myself right now. But this post really made me look at the LITTLE things in a whole different light. I was able to look at the big picture and realize he was controlling the situation by lying and manipulating me, but now I see that even the little things…right down to the nail polish I wore was under his control!! Just the way he wanted it. I hope the new victim has a lifetime supply of red comet polish!! LOL!
And Leah (((((HUGS)))). Just keep venting. Sorry you’re having a bad day. Stay strong.


Thanks, Amber. It is just a bit overwhelming at times.

It’s just a bit tough not being able to talk about this. I did see a therapist. But after I said the word “sociopath,”she was worried he’d kill me or worse. So that unfortunately ramped up my fear more. Anyway, without the context – and I’ve never posted the whole story – I’m sure my concerns don’t really make much sense. Oh well.

Glad things are going better on your end.


Thank you for the article, I also like reading your blog….I just can not get over how similar these men are… mine would hide my razor if I left it in the wrong place, I would jump in the shower and be like ??? looking everywhere. Then telling me how to drive, I have had two minor fender benders in my life, one at 17 and one at 39…directions how to get somewhere had to be the fastest way.
If I did not need his “help” he would pout or rage depending. Tell me how to do the dishes my way was never good enough… and then the humiliation in front of other people or strangers was unbearable.. that was it for me. Is there growth stunted or are they just toxic, I could feel the toxic ness , is there a way to cleanse my aura or something because , I used to feel less sick to my stomach and now, want to get back on track. I was thinking of Reki healing anyone heard of or into this… although it may be expensive….


Yes Spirit – I trained to second degree in Reiki and can send you absent healing if you can let me know a time in advance when you won’t be driving / working / busy. It is best that you lie down and relax. I would suggest you contact someone via a national Reiki organisation – generally those who take the time to join behave more ethically – there are some real rip off merchants out there though. If you do the First degree in Reiki (degree means a level – not like an academic degree!) you can do treatments on yourself – the first degree should cost around $100 US so that may be an option. Treatments with someone are usually around the same price as a massage.
Reiki is about drawing in energy and directing it into a person so it flows to where it is needed in their body or psyche – it is not a magic cure but may help to relax you as you go through this journey of pain.
I understand the rage and the criticism and the feedback of those memories – I am suffering from it too and looking for a way to get better. I don’t know what the answer is.
I hope your day was better today Spirit.

Louise this is a wonderful post – so so true. It gives me hope to think maybe this is something that can help me find my best self – hard to imagine when I feel so ground down right now. I wake up obsessing about it and the fact I have no children – my body is driving me nuts! And the messages get more and more insistent. I note that even my own mother finds the topic of my abuse distasteful and would rather put a happy face on things – I told her over the weekend ‘I won’t do it – that is lying and that is not who I am – he is the liar not me. This is where I am at and if you love me then you need to accept it.’

I hope your choices workshop goes well 🙂


Thanks pollyannanomore, sorry I did not see your post until now…. I dont understand the absent healing part…everyday is different, I am angry some days because I lost everything(material wise) but spiritually I guess I have gained …so Happy Thanksgiving!


No problem Spirit – in an absent healing you and the person being healed arrange to be together in different places at the same time – you would lie down and the person healing you would do a treatment sending it to you. You can ask any reiki healer to do this for you. I just didn’t want to send in case you were working or driving! And I am not sure we can work out the time differences very well …
I know what you mean about the up and down … I am the same – today is an up day because I can see meaning in it all but tomorrow might be different. It’s a really hard process to go through. I am glad you are seeing a spiritual meaning in it all – you sound a bit better today …
Here is a site offering free absent healing

But this site might be better as it’s an international organisation and they offer a two week healing :

hope this helps!


Hi Louise
Your wise words made me think of something my ex did a lot — I happen to have two more academic degrees than he did, which was, I suspect, one of the things he found attractive about me. But it bugged him, too. Reading your article makes me aware of the multitude of ways he would steal my voice: of course there were his word games, his double negatives and the way he’d mess with my mind and convince me I was just paranoid. And when we were in a situation where yes, I knew more than he did, and it was apparent to all, and I was actually talking about what I knew, and people were listening and maybe even interested, he would do one of two things: 1.) cut me off, interrupt me, start talking about a completely different subject, in a very loud voice, and if anyone called him on his loudness, he would say “I don’t have a very good indoor voice” or 2.) when I was nearly finished with what I had to say, he’d stop me, and then repeat what I had just said, as if claiming it for himself. He might even say it a couple times, in that loud indoor voice of his, to make sure anyone else present, including me, acknowleged my thoughts as his.

I found this to be one of the most aggravating things about him, and now, as I read your post I realize precisely what it was about. He had to silence my voice, or when he couldn’t, claim my voice for his own.

we’ve been apart for a month now. And no one interrupts me now. Sometimes, though, I just let the silence be; I love controlling my own silence!
thanks for your words!

miss k

I was involved and married to a sociopath.
He beat me and then started having an affair with a woman I befriended at the domestic violence shelter.
I tried to give him extra chances because we had a child together.
I have two older children and I felt as though I didnt try hard enough with their father.
It has been 11 years of pure hell.
I didnt know he was sleeping with a person I tried to help all these years.
She gave him a disease and when I got it from him he left me for her because she does drugs and I dont.
They talked about me, laughed about me, (she is a sociopath also), plotted against me and tried to hurt our son.
I have had 5 restraining orders yet he keeps coming back every time he wants to argue.
He treats me as though I am the problem and as if I have no right to be mad. They even sent an older child to bother my son on his church bus.
My son cant even worship in peace.
When does it END???? (the police will do nothing)


I sent a message today to a woman i have known since i was 15. she had sent me yet another cheesey wheezey email about friendship – but this time i chose to respond to her, about what she meant to me as a teen and as an adult. She 15 years older than i am, so was 30 when we met. here is her response to me:

My sweet One Step
How lovely you are to tell me and my Gary such kind things. I could not wish for better.
You are and always have been a beautiful person and deserved to know that you were. You are full of the best instincts, kind thoughts and deeds, a and a desire to understand how this crazy world works, and a desire to know true love, how to give and get it. You were like that as a teen and I you are the same way now. Peoples basic personalities don’t change throughout their lives. We all just get more and more like we are as we grow older. No matter what mistakes we make the focus of our lives is to get to know ourselves and grow to be true to who we are.
You are and have always been a delightful person to know One Step, I am so glad you are a part of my life. It was never just chance that we know each other, you have touched my life in good ways One Step. I am pleased to know I have helped you in any way.
I love you muchly, as my sister says to me.
You never horrified me One Step (i had made reference to my exploration of so much dangerous as a teen). I just loved you.
I gave to you what I never got. It was practice for me so I could give it to my children.
So thank you One Step. I am a better person for knowing you.
love and more love


Miss K:
I trust your following through with the law each and EVERY time he/they violate the orders.
This is pertinent!!! I can’t stress it enough!
Also….try and get yourself to a place where you do not take his actions personally. You did your best to make the relationshit work and quite frankly…….it wasn’t YOU…..there is no way to make a relationshit work with anyone exhibiting CLuster B behaviors….the playing field is alwyas changing.
It is VERY important to document all behaviors…..keep a journal and DOCUMENT everything….
I’m not sure where you are in the divorce process I saw you are pro-per…..I believe with enough tenacity…..this can be done….it’s NOT optimal….but it can be done….You need to be smart about it.
This is where reading and educating yourself can guide you through. On every topic…..especially divorce. Divorcing this type of personality is NOT your ‘normal’ divorce….so you must take what you learn and apply it to what you have learned about the behaviors.
They don’t ever play fair….and expect everything to be a lie and projected onto you. The mud will sling you way NO DOUBT. Just duck. You don’t have to respond to every shit pile thrown….in fact it’s best to pick your battles……OR they will have you spending all time defending.
It’s natural response to defend…..but you must overcome that in court. If you have behaviors documented, threats, police reports (each time you file you MUST keep a copy, the police will not provide you with a copy) videos, voice threats etc…..and can present these in a calm and rational manner…’ll do fine.
Key is to remain CALM and always be in control of YOU…..this is MUCH harder done than said.
Part of what they do is to turn the tables and portray YOU as the crazy one and them as victim. DO NOT RESPOND!!!!!
Place yourself in an OFFENSIVE position and remain there.
It’s been 2 years since I finally (last time) sent the s ex to the curb…..and followed through with the TPO’s ….I have made numerous p. reports and each time followed through with the DA’s office. I currently have only a harassment and stalking order which is due to expire in July 10…..and finally…..(I think) he’s staying away. Divorce was signed in Aug. 09 and he lost custody of kids and everything.
It’s NOT easy…..set up your support system…..keep your mouth shut (loose lips sink ships) be careful….really careful WHO you trust during this……and plow through.
Don’t expect to win all the battles it’s the war your looking at ‘winning’……you need to be safe and protect your kids….( I think you said they were older, that was unclear to me)….
Make it ALL ABOUT YOU NOW!!!! You won’t find the support your thinking you’ll have in friends and even some family….move on… don’t have time for riff raff right now….
It’s a long journey…..but one full of elightenment and self growth….
You’ll be amazed at the woman that comes out of the ‘rubble’.
Stay strong!!!!


What a nice note to receive. It sounds like this woman is reaching out to you with love. Hang on to it.
I think it’s wonderful when people you have loved send you confirming notes of wht you mean in their lives.
We should do it more often!

Ya’ll are a part of my healing….each and every story/journey/life that is shared here….(even though I may not know who the hell you are after you change names :)….but just reading about others troubles and even when people get aggraveated to look at the why’s in relation to my own journey.
It’s all very helpful… thank you all for sharing and giving me insight into my own journey.


EB – I read how tall some folks here are; we are in the land of giants!

my friend and I have loved each other forever. i didn’t know that my loving confused rebellious little teen self had such a positive impact on her mothering. that makes me REALLY happy. i know one of her kids now. he is a school teacher. they came from a hard background and he works with kids every day who are similarly challneged. he is the teacher of one of the kids in my building. a really nice kid, whose dad (who doesn’t live with him. um, or anywhere) is probably a spath. his mom struggles. i know he is safer cause this woman’s son is his teacher.

wow, what went around came around. 2 children helped and 2 adults helped. fancy that!

one step

miss k

Dear Erin, thank you for your reply. The divorce was final 9/09. He has no rights to see our son.
My son struggles with not having ever had a dad that cared. My oldest is in college and my second one is a senior. Only my youngest is his.
How can I move on being as damaged as I am?
I feel as though I am destined to live the rest of my life by myself which is better than being around him but very lonely.
Every time I smile/ laugh/ feel happy I feel as though some how I am undeserving.
I feel as though I am not allowed to be happy now.
And how can he do all that and feel like I was the problem.
I dont understand. All this unimaginable autrocities and he has NO guilt? Do they ever pay? Or get what they deserve?
Or are they allowed to continue on destroying lives and being “happy” about it????


Miss K, they don’t have emotions so they don’t feel guilty… but they can’t be happy either I guess!
Why do you feel you don’t deserve to be happy?

miss k

I just feel so beat down. Every time I am happy I feel as though I am not allowed to be happy or even smile. I guess I have been unhappy and unloved so long I sorta lost myself

miss k

I am an only child and with the health problem he gave me
Who knows how long I will be around? And who will care for my wonderful parents when they need care the most? I feel as though I falied tham and dont deserve to be happy now.

miss k

The police do nothing.
What about Karma?
I did what I was supposed to do like work hard,take care of my kids, keep the house clean, cook, and
was faithful,
And he betrayed me and isnt sorry or even bothered. That is the worst part for me.


Miss K:
Look at it this way…..If he was sorry or was bothered…..YOU”D STILL BE IN THE SAME PREDICIMENT!
Miserable…..with him.
These feelings your having are Normal! Allow them, accept them, expect them and meet them head on.

Yes, I totally believe they do get whats coming….I’ve seen it.
Think about the “how’ …..How can they be happy……the con, lie, deceit and cheat for everything……AND he doesnt have a relationship with his son???? Is that happiness?
They look at everything as a posession…, lovers, things….all equal…all to be conquered.
Don’t worry about him…’s YOU you must take care of.


Great post Erin – Miss K I have had the same questions running through my head lately too – my ex has recently hooked up with someone new and is disparaging my character all over town – it is a horror. We did the right things and worked hard to try to make them happy not knowing what they really are. I don’t know what the consolation is right now – I haven’t seen him get anything that he deserves. He deserves to go to prison for what he did but of course everything is blamed on me and he has no remorse or guilt about it.
Very unfair indeed. I am sorry you are struggling at the moment – rest assured we have all gone through these thoughts and feelings (and I am going through them right now with you!!) It helps me a little to know I am not alone in what I experience and that it does get better in the future. They treated us as objects – not humans – that is such a difficult concept for me to wrap my head around – I wasn’t even related to as a human being. It was as if I was a piece of furniture or a plant – just something to be used up and discarded.

miss k

Erin, he doesnt care about a relationship with his son either….that is so sad for my son. I feel so much guikt for that. That was a big motivater for me. He would just ignore his only son. Tha really made me angry. That was the beginning of the end for “us” I said” I will be damned if I do all you want me to do and you cant even acknowledge our son. Worse part is he was a horrible actor and couldnt even pretend to care about our son. It was always about whatever he needed at the time.
And true, like I told my son, I cant make him be what we need him to be, he will never be what we needed him to be because he is sick.

miss k

yes, objects, like a piece of meat. And he should go to prison…but it seems as though the criminals have all the rights now a days. He would actually have to kill me to do any real time. He went to prison for a year awhile back for what he did to me and when he got out he didnt come home for a week and when he did he wasnt sorry AT ALL, didnt try to make it up to me or anything, and to top it off was very angry and mean to me and arguing as if it was MY fault. I am so thankful I found you all and thank you so much for taking the time to read all my vents. I appreciate all your help.


Yep – blame blame blame – imagine that though! “It’s your fault I did something bad and went to jail” WOW – what an egg! They really are evil – there’s a chapter in Women who love Psychopaths about the spiritual warfare aspect – I thought about it too. Love the quotes from the Good Book – thanks for sharing!


revenge…..exposure….turning the tables….whatever you call it…..this one is GREAT!!!

This link at the bottom is from the first Lady of Nevadas new showbiz career.
Their Messy divorce was drafted/settled very recently. She had accused several affairs by the idiot gov. and he’s got some other ‘female’ related legal issues. He fit’s the bill of a Cluster B….
So….there is a annual fundraiser for charities in Nevada that is ALWAYS opened with a video of the current sitting Governor….It’s a comedy / roast type deal….making fun on ones self from what has occured the previous year….
For the first time since the 60’s inception of this fundraiser called the ‘sheep dip’ the Nevada GOV. REFUSED to participate, saying he was offended by the michael Jackson part of show….OH….NICE OUT GOV. (might we have been hiding from the womanizing/divorce situation that has encompassed his 2009?) Likely.
THEN later in the week…..he declined to even attend the event as a guest….
So….they announced this week they have an alternate Opening ‘act’ and the show will go on…..But declined to announce who would replace the Governor in the opening act.


Oh how he walked right into that one…..I don’t think it ever occured to him that his ex would ‘step up’…..AND CURRENTLY she is still considered first lady until the decree is signed!!!!
The below link is her opening video… the box’s and the womens names at the end are the 2 ‘family’ friends he was caught texting on the State’s dime…..1000’s of times….He has denied all affairs and stuck to his story tight.
He really is a dope….and made a ‘fatal’ error and opened the door for her to do her ‘civic’ duty as ‘first lady’ of Nevada!!


EB – That is PRICELESS 😀

miss k

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive……

miss k

I realized, thanks to all of you, I was stuck on the fact that he didnt feel bad about anything he had done. Then I realized that he cant feel true happiness or love either. I was so focused on him not feeling bad for all he has done that I forgot that he also cant feel truly good. This isnt nice of me but it actually made me feel better to know this. Thanks


Oh Miss K…..
do you feel the growth….Welcome, Welcome darling…..LF really is a great tool to enlighten and empower and just following your posts TODAY…..Look at how far you have come……Sometimes just by writing there is so much healing in our own words… reading them, feeling them….seeing them on ‘paper’…..
Each minute is better than the past….and YOU are proof….JUST TODAY!!!!
There is so much more revelations to come….
Go with it and steer the ship!

miss k

Thank you so much. I am still really angry though. That S that he started seeing after I got out of the DV shelter that I befriended stole a lot from me. My most precious valuables and family heirlooms. She is a covetous S. She is relentless. She can have my ex after cheating with him by sneaking around behind my back for ten years and giving him a disease I didnt deserve. Yet when will it end? She brought her nephew out and stuck him on my sons church bus that my son has been riding on for more than five years and has him telling my son stuff like “I saw your baby picture on facebook” and “my aunts name is ronni” and some more things about how his dad was having a huge party at his house and they were there. When my son cant have any contact with that side of his family because of his dumbass dad. This is still very hurtful when, after ten+ years, it still never ends. What more can those two do to my son and I and why are they sooooooo obcessed with hurting us more? Now my son cant even go to church and worship in peace because that is the only way left for them to get to us? (The church IS on my restraining order” but the police say this is not something they can get invovled with. They always try to turn it around as if I am the one who is crazy, and as if I am dillusional when I know all this is going on and so do they and they are laughing about it. She wanted him so bad but now she just wants to use him for sex and send him on his way and he is so stupid he cant even see it. He just keeps getting angry with me (and they both are so hateful) because I wont have anything to do with him and he doesnt like being alone that much. When does it end????


miss k – I can identify with the torture you’re going through 🙁 I have two kids, but they are older and more removed from the situation than your son is. I have massive guilt concerning what they experienced because of the Spath in my life. They only witnessed the destruction of me, and were never directly a recepient of his abuse, but by being my kids they are still hurt by it. This causes me so much pain on top of what he did to me. So, I can imagine how you feel seeing your own boy hurt like this (((BIG HUG)))

If I may make a few suggestions – these are only suggestions. I by no means know if they will work for you and I don’t want to make you feel worse because my suggestions might useless for you. I offer them in caring and maybe, just maybe it might help.

Can your son find an alternate way to get to school? I know you said that he’s been taking that bus for years, but under the circumstances, changing buses would seem like it would alleviate a huge amount of stress for him.

Can you cut out any ways the sociopaths have of interacting with you and finding out information such as on Facebook or other internet sources. I know this is a real sticky point, especially with the younger generation (they do all their online socializing by FB), but putting all family Facebook accounts completely on private and blocking all known associates of the sociopaths would be a good idea in my book.

Those are only suggestions for the immediate that from my own experience would be necessary and go along with the NO CONTACT rule. The no contact rule has two beneficial aspects to it. Besides, breaking the bond of addiction to the sociopath, it also creates a SAFETY zone for you. I think of it as making sure my doors are all locked in my house.

Lastly, if I might be bold and make a further suggestion for something to consider. You seem to live in a tight-knit community where you constantly have run-ins with the Spaths. If it were me, I would consider, if AT ALL POSSIBLE, looking into moving – just get the hell out of Dodge 🙂 It’s an idea.


miss k

Yes, I am going to leave town but I own my place and the housing market is low right now. Plus I dont want them to feel like they have the satisfatcion of thinking they “ran me out of town”. Plus jobs are hard to come by.
It is the church bus and there are no others, again why should they be allowed to feel as though they stopped my son from worshipping at his church. This is the only way left for them to bother us. I dont have facebook and never posted any pictures but this nephew said he saw my sons picture on his dads facebook which I cant locate…there are about 500 with his same name.
I appreciate this site. I was posting on another site before I found this one and there are some people there that are very insensitive because they cant relate. One girl said….”your the pstcho fer shure”- her exact wirds. and she said “get over it. wah wah wah” I just said “God help you if you ever meet one”
Thanks for the hugs.

miss k

sorry about all the typos I should have read it first


Hi – I’m new to the site and hope I’m posting in the right place!

Anyway like most everyone on the site I believe that my life has been very affected by a 2 year relationship with a man who I believe has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I’ve been out of this relationship for nearly 2 years, and have done a huge amount of healing – but still have some ‘hangover’ issues as a result of this experience which I’m hoping to share with others and read other’s experiences etc to try to get a handle on it.

I think that one thing that’s interesting about my story is that I’m a trained and experienced (child protection) social worker in the UK. And despite knowing much more that the average woman about the dynamics of domestic abuse and child abusers – nothing in my training or life experience had fully prepared me to deal with being the target of an N myself. I’m a bit worried that my job will be a ‘trigger’ for some people here who’ve had a bad time with Children’s Services – I know that I am often unable to give children/families everything that that want, need and deserve for lots and lots of reasons. I hope that people will be able to see past this and accept me as just another target of an abuser.

I guess I feel if I can get fooled and conned into this – then anyone can.

The only good thing to come out of the near nervous breakdown I had at the time is that I’m hopefully a much more aware professional now I’ve found sites such as this one and all the work by Dr Robert Hare, Martha Stout and others.

Remarkably in the UK Child Protection/Family Support social workers do not receive basic training as standard in dealing with anti-social personality types. In fact I was able to start practising and assessing families without having any prior professional training in what a psychopath/sociopath/narcissist etc actually is – though we do learn a lot about ‘domestic abuse’.

We learn (damn quickly) ‘on the job’ through direct experience day-in and day-out with a much higher than average number of abusive and/or dangerous persons – as well as many other families who are just ‘going through a hard time’ for one reason or another and are in no way ill/disordered or abusive.

We rely on our qualified colleagues in child or adult mental health to help us ‘diagnose’ or recognise dangerous/ill/disordered persons. However the majority of assessments that I carry out are done without reference to any mental health professionals (unless there is a pre-existing MH service or diagnosis) and only getting such expensive/timeconsuming assessments really if things are in a very serious place i.e coming to court etc.

I would like to say that I have found it invaluable to read on peoples experiences with the family court and justice systems, because I’m doing that kind of work everyday and it’s so important to ‘get it right’.

But I’m writing here just as a ‘person’ really whose life was completely turned upside down, inside out and backward for a long-time by this guy.

The one thing I’m still struggling with is any ongoing impact on me. The fact is that working day-in & day-out with child abusers of one kind or another is a bit of a trigger for all my own personal ‘stuff’ – really does take it’s toll. Sometimes I feel as though my ability to trust, care and be emotionally strong has been permanently affected. I feel guilty that I’m not always able to be as emotionally available to the children I’m working to safeguard and their parents/carers as I was before this relationship. This makes me both extremely angry indeed and also guilty/shamed at times. Sometimes I think I love my work – because I’m able to ‘make my experience’ count in a way that does seem to ‘make sense’. At other times I wish I worked in a supermarket or something and didn’t have these terrible responsibilities and intense/difficult feelings to channel and process everyday.

The other issue is that I would like to get some help around the issues around




Again these are central themes for my day-to-day work – but I have struggled with murderous rage against my N abuser on-and-off during and after the relationship. I have also acted on this in that I reported the N and his abusive mother to the police for a crime that they were later convicted of.

It took me a year to make the decision to report this crime. and I agonised over it. I wondered if I was just ‘taking revenge’ and whether my action was ‘proportionate’ and justified.

In the end I decided to report the crime because I felt that if a CP worker was too afraid to report and deal with criminal and abusive behaviour out there – then what hope for the everyone else. Still it was a very difficult decision as I was worried what come-back there would be if I did this.

As a professional SW one’s reputation is surprisingly vulnerable and one often feels ‘under seige’ and ‘under threat’. If a determined person wanted to make trouble for you- they quite easily can to be honest..

And I’m ‘part of the system’ etc etc! Which probably doesn’t inspire much confidence for everyone else reading this. (Sorry). In the event N did make accusations against me (that I use drugs – luckily quite easy to disprove). But still it was unnerving to have to go to my employers with all of that and worry whether I would have their support. They actually weren’t particularly supportive and I did have to change jobs because I no longer felt comfortable working for that authority.

Again – it’s probably a good thing in that it’s made me better appreciate what happens to the children and families that I’m trying to work with.

Anyway – the reason I struggle is that the crime I reported wasn’t ‘against me’ personally, but against another person. Though N did alot of nasty things to me it was mainly around constant lying/cheating, general emotional abuse/gas-lighting and some borrowing money and never repaying it. He tried hard to get more money out of me but when I wouldn’t lend him anymore & started to seriously call him on his abusive behaviours – he did the old ‘devalue and discard’ pretty quick and moved onto a new girlfriend behind my back.

I’m also bothered because sometimes I feel that I’ve ‘become like’ the N. In that – I used by knowledge of ‘the system’ to ‘fix him’ and ensure that the report of crime would be taken seriously. I planned it carefully and also took some enjoyment out of doing it too (at the time). These feel like the kinds of things that Ns or S’s do/feel and I am not comfortable with those feelings.

Mixed in some feelings of ‘gotcha sunshine’ were lots of feelings of anxiety – and also kind of lots of frustration, sadness and disappointment that this ‘payback’ – which whilst it was ‘effective’ in one sense (N did suffer a major Narcissistic Injury – public exposure/humiliation, financial consequences, prosecution/criminal record – the woman he’d left me for ‘dumped him’). It was just another ugly cycle of an ugly tale. I felt I’d gone in some senses from persecuted to persecutor. Honestly the whole story made me feel a bit sick still.

It’s not what I wanted when I set out on this relationship – I was in love with the person he pretended to be, and only wanted a happy, healing love and laughter-filled life. I thought that I ‘of all people’ could help and change him. (Ah those dangerous ‘rescuer’ fantasies!) I feel sad where he dragged me to and losing the last of my ability for ‘childish magical thinking’ and blind trust.

As CP workers often get to see the worst of the worst on a daily basis – to keep some sense of the wonder of the world, and trust in the universe is actually a ‘life or death’ thing – one ends up burned out and used up extremely fast – and actually as a ‘dangerous practioner’ unable to react and feel the way one ‘should’.

At points I wondered if I’d have to give up my vocation and passion for this work because I was ‘just too damaged’ and/or ill to do the job. I’m so angry at my exN for this – his behaviour hurt me, it hurt my family to see me suffer, it hurt the children ‘in my care’ as it ‘took me away from them’ emotionally. I guess all the mothers and fathers with P’s S’s or N’s in their life will be able to relate to this!

I need lots of goodness and happiness in my life again, to forgive myself completely and let go of him completely. I still think about him a lot and feel pity for both of us at the whole sorry mess! Sometimes hatred and anger still.

I can tell the whole story another time maybe – but it’s very much ‘same old same old’ as what other’s have been through – though perhaps not as severe as others have had (maybe that domestic abuse training did sink in somewhere afterall!)

Blessings to all in your healing journey.

Delta xx


Welcome Delta1, you are doing pretty good for having the rug pulled out from under you. You, like the rest of us have to move, step by step to put your life back together again. Your love was violated, along with trust issues, responsibility issue, your intellect was attack, finances, hope, etc. You name the level, he trampled upon them.

Even though you feel uneasy at this writing, rest assure, you will get back to your old self, except better, stronger, wiser etc.

Sorry you had to join our club under these circumstances … but, at least you know you are NOT alone. We’ve all been where you are and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Peace to your heart and soul as you heal from this heel.

Ox Drover

Dear Delta, WELCOME!!!! This is I think the BEST place in the world to have a “safe haven” and to learn and grow. As a CP worker you are in a place to do more GOOD than most former victims are, but you are NOT alone in being a professional, there are therapists, psychiatrists, and physicians, and I am a retired registered Nurse Practitioner (advanced practice nurse). Our professional training and education doesn’t protect any of us really. We even have a criminal defense attorney!

The “forgiveness” to me doesn’t mean “approving” or “alloowing” what they did, but to get the BITTERNESS out of our own hearts, but that does NOT include blind trust.

“Pity?” HELL NO! They have a choice in behaviors just like I do.

Give yourself time and space. It starts off about learning about them, but ends up learning about ourselves, forgiving ourselves, learning to set boundaries and be cautious and wise. In other words, learning how to live a good life! Again, Welcome! God bless.


Thank you WIni and Ox Drover for making me feel welcome to the site. It’s really good to be able to talk to people who do completely ‘get it’.

I have felt such a fool in the past and so isolated so this blog is a really positive find for me and others here who also became targets.

As I said – I still struggle with ‘bitterness’ and anger towards my ex and also some negative obsessive thinking . Often I notice that I just generally ‘don’t feel emotionally safe’. Although it doesn’t manifest itself very obviously it has the impact of just quietly holding me back a little bit in everything. For example I seem to needs lots more ‘alone time’ than previously and have lost social confidence.

During the abusive relationship and for the 6 months following ‘devalue & discard’ I developed a habit of heavy/binge drinking at weekends. I realised this was a serious threat to my long-term recovery and did find a good therapist which helped a great deal. I still occasionally struggle with the urge for the ‘oblivion’ of alcohol. Then I feel lots of shame and guilt too – of course you can’t function as a CP worker if you’re drinking too much. It’s just all around ‘bad news’.

Of course ex N loved it when I started to ‘break down’ under his abuse and drink a little too much to cope. I had also confided in that I’d been sexually assaulted when I was a teenage (revealed in couples therapy). I noticed straightaway that ex N was absolutely fascinated/excited/obsessed with these damaging life events of mine. Aha – an actual ‘flaw’ for him to pick and pick and pick at – he was like a dog with a juicy bone!

I’m lucky because my ex-N doesn’t try to contact me. The last time we spoke he became aware of how much I’d moved on and I think of how much I dislike him now. I know I should be glad and tell myself I’m lucky, but secretly I wish my ex N would contact me. This feels like a ‘failure’. Then I tell myself that such feelings are normal part of the ‘betrayal bond’ and not to be too hard on myself. Still it’s irritating.

My other difficulty is anger towards ‘the other woman’ – the person he left me for. in the ‘devalue and discard’ phase. She was aware that he was in a relationship with me and I have felt real anger towards her for ‘being my instrument of torture’ at the time he left me. I have never had an affair or been with someone else’s partner and find it hard to be at peace about her decision to get into a relationship with him when she knew he was living with another woman.

Of course once she became his ‘full time target’ he cheated on her, lied to her and stole money from her too. However I find that I’m ‘pleased’ she was abused too. The ‘pleased’ feeling doesn’t feel good for long and if I dwell on it ever I find this attitude a little ‘sick and twisted’. I wish I were a better person to be able to see her as just as much of a target as I was and not feel these ‘vengeful’ feelings.

I am ashamed to say that no-one else gets my pulse racing like my ex – now with contempt/disgust rather than love. I read somewhere that sometimes we meet people who should frighten us off and set off an ‘alert’ in our body, but we mistake that ‘butterflies’ gut feeling for ‘attraction’.

That’s why I sometimes worry I’ve become like him, on some level I want ‘the game’ to continue in order to be able to come out ‘the winner’ this time or ‘do things over different’. I know that this is very, very unwise and that I should just focus on my healing, my journey and creating a good and happy life – but sometimes I find this difficult to let go of. I feel if I were to ‘stop monitoring’ that he would find some way to ‘get me’. Basically I have paranoid feelings alot.

Thanks for reading!

If anyone has any further words/advice do please pass them on. I’m thinking of going back for therapy again – but have moved and would need to find a new therapist which is a little daunting.



Delta1, what you are experiencing is what we call on LF as the WAFFLE phase. Remember, the rug was pulled out from under you (as we all experienced). Imagine trying to get off the floor and you have no idea how you ended up there. You get on your knees, look for an arm of a chair to pull yourself up. As you try to stand, you noticed your legs are not really supporting you. You aren’t steady … it’s a dizzying experience because you didn’t do this to yourself … another did this to you. You are wobbling back and forth … in a daze (Post Traumatic Stress) …

Step by Step, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day … you get steadier and steadier. It’s a process. I believe as long as we were in the relationship, the shock of where we are at the time that we find out it was all a lie from hello to goodbye … it takes at least 1/2 the amount of time to get back to normal … then forward to getting better than we were before. Be prepared to get your breath and be strong, then minutes later be as weak as a lamb. That too is natural. You will have your good moments, then bad. I can’t even say days at this point because everything is so myopic at this point in your life. Remember, it’s all about you right now. Pamper yourself. I liked to take long hot bubble baths. I’d put on my favorite music and just sit in the tub for hours. I’d get out of the tub, feel better for a few minutes … then run the bath again … back in the tub to soak and relax the best I could. I was waffling … back and forth through all my emotions, good, bad, indifference … whatever came up, I just went with it.

You can pour your heart out to us. Whoever is on line at the time you write, will gladly write you back. Believe me when I say this … we’ve all been where you are right now and we are all in this together. There is nothing you can write to us that we haven’t experienced. What you are doing is purging yourself of everything that he tainted in your life. Step by step, you will get stronger and stronger … then weak again, then an up swing to strength, downswing. It’s a constant back and forth waffling effect that will take over for a long while. That’s just the way it is with trauma. Make no mistake, you were and are still traumatized.



I am sorry your here under such pain and anxiety….YET…..for selfish reasons for LF….I am ecstatic you found us!!!!

I live under the preface of…..RIGHT IS RIGHT AND WRONG IS WRONG! Bottom line!
I will NEVER own what others choose to do! If it’s against the law or someone is hurt……I will STAND UP!
I do not look the other way, turn the other cheek, or pretend itdidn’t happen and it’s none of my business.

I really went balls to the wall with this after I learned I had been used as a ‘cover’ for my spath and NO ONE stepped up for me. No one reported him, and most turned a blind eye.
I NEEDED HELP! And didn’t get any outside help…..I did it myself!
So now…..when I see an injustice….and I can help or offer some sort of ‘aid’…..I DO! If a statement to police from me will help this person and I have facts or first hand account…..guess where you’ll find me!
This is our civic duty! And it’s a shame more don’t feel the same.

I also won’t let my spath get away with ANYTHING these days.
(I am divorced a year and we have kids who havent seen/spoken to him in 2.5 years)
I have found that I am safer if I keep his nose to the coals legally. If he threatens us or harasses us…..cops are called. If he violates the TPO….it’s reported 100% of the time! I don’t give him an inch.
It’s wearing…..but so it being spathed by him.
I learned his behaviors. I ‘reviewed’ my life with him and realized all the lies and how he thinks and what he got away with. They don’t change their tactics…..and I found it helpful to ‘get into’ his brain/mind……this allowed me to predict his ‘moves’ and protect us. I now…go with my gut, and I have been right on in my predictions of him.

I was able to expose him in the courtroom, where it counted for me financially. And I never held his secrets once I found out what they were. I don’t own his shiat and I am NOT going to keep quiet about anything he’s ‘up’ to. If he doesn’t want the world to know what a con he is…….then I suggest HE change his ways! CUZ….you can’t hide behind me anymore…..NOW your gonna hide FROM ME!!! I used everything he did ‘against’ me……back ON him. I ‘back spathed’ him, Counter controlled him……and it worked!
Do I feel guilty….NOT IN THE LEAST! I worked my ars off being a good mother, wife and business partner…..and when I found out it was all a lie…..I thought, the least I deserved was to leave this marriage with ALL I HAD PUT INTO IT and worked for! And I did!
I gave him my health…..and it almost cost me my life. The stress I lived for all those years……came to a head 1 month after I kicked him to the curb. I had 2 strokes and cancer among numerous other health issues. He spathed me when he found out I was in hospital. He wanted me dead, I’m sure.
Well…..too friggen bad……how’d that work for ya spath? Not well at all! He filed for divorce when I was in radiation. Thinking I was too weak to fight him. He told me he was gonna….”Take me to the cleaners”……all I could respond with was……”GAME ON”.
I decided it was either death…..or success! I went for a successful divorce….and I got it!
I educated myself on sociopaths….and learned the ‘game’.
You can either go away scared and crying and destroyed……or you can stand up for yourself and fight like hell and take care of yourself!

It’s important to keep a balance……keep ‘who’ you are…..but step out of that ‘mold’ and fight like a spath. Know yourself and your limitations and know your spath.
they don’t expect us to fight em…..because we never have.
When we ‘shake it up’… throws THEM off balance! We need to keep em off balance.
Change up our routine…..switch up our ‘buttons’…….reprogram us……so they can’t ‘get to us’.
If we are weak….we must ‘fake it till we make it’.
Look em in the eyes with power and strength…..YOU DON”T CONTROL ME…….i’m gonna make you sweat! They are NOT used to this…..and don’t know how to respond.

We need to push them away with our power……confuse them and be ‘too hard’ of a victim to figure out, so they go away!

You are lucky your’s doesn’t contact you! You sound like your going through the ‘grieving’ process. You had the relationship, and then the legal crap of his crime. It was a ‘high’, and you did well……NOW it’s time to come back down, and it sounds like your finding that part hard. It’s like withdrawals…..and you WILL evolve into another place.
Awareness helps, awareness of ‘where’ you are at any particular time with your emotions…..and trust the process…’s ever changing. The more you learn…..the more you learn.

This attitude has given me power, empowerment and confidence. I got MAD……and I ain’t gonna take it anymore! PERIOD!! I did it for 28 years…..I gave him my best, I tried my damdest to make this relationship work……until I found out it was way beyond my power and he wasn’t someone who I morally, socially or intimately wanted to be with…..we didn’t share a life…..I shared a life and he manipulated our lives…….he wasn’t going to change……he is a SOCIOPATH…..they DON”T change.

I think your job is great, I think you can offer so many people so much from this experience…..once you understand it all. The more you learn, the more help your gonna be able to offer those kids. Think of this time (when you don’t feel like you can give ‘your all’ to them) as a time of educating yourself for YOU and THEM!!!! Those children will be much better off with a person with such experiences looking out for them!!

Forgiveness….well….I’m not the one to be offering advice on that. I still don’t know what that feels like. I don’t feel like I can forgive someone who hasnt’ stopped hurting my children!
I know it’s for me and not the spath….but I just can’t find that place yet!

In the meantime……YOU remain strong, LF offers so very much healing and support. Read it all darlen, and absorb it up.
You’ll do fine, you’ve got a big heart!
Be kind to yourself…..and WELCOME to LF!



Erin, I don’t say this lightly … “YOU take my breath away”.

I’m with you, call a Spath a Spath. All these people in the world that don’t want to get involved when they know that someone is doing another wrong, is so outdated, it’s beyond pathetic. I for one will stick my big nose into other people’s business when I know someone is indeed getting manipulated by another. Even if I’m wrong. So what. At least I cared enough to care.


Erin, I agree with Wini, you take my breathe away too! And you so inspire me!I was in JUST that sort of fighting mood when I wrote to my unknown Granddaughter on Facebook. This time i was NOT going to be shut up, shut down, belittled, silenced, devalued by my biatch of a daughter!.I suddenly realised “She is my enemy, she hates me, and why?” What have I ever done to her, except give her love and devotion?She doesnt begin to deserve me, I am worth so much more than her passive aggression, her lies, her snobbery,her “devalue and discard” attitude to me.For so many years I “ate crow” just to get to see her,and my other biatch D, and older Biatch Ds kids.NO MORE! Even if I never get to see my older daughters kids again, I will no longer Kow tow to her,never!Look at poor NewLily, living on crumbs of affection thrown at her by her spath kids. Refusing to believe, right up to her death, that she meant less than NOTHING to them.That could have been me,pathetically begging fora crumb of affection thrown in disdain from these biatches .And ,no, I HAVENT forgiven biatch 2 for banning me from her kids lives. I wrote to her, and said,”God may forgive you, but I NEVER SHALL.”Im not obliged to forgive either of them, they are NOT sorry for all the unspeakable hell they have both put me through.for over 30 years. Surely forgiveness is contingent on the person who has wronged you saying”Sorry”, and showing by their life and future actions that they have changed.If they have NO intention of ever saying sorry or ever changing,then, no, I do not forgive them. I can forgive myself for being fooled by them for so long.After damming up my anger for so long,hey it feels bloody great to be BLOODY ANGRY, and I am!!MamaGem.XX


OK, I dug out some of my oldie but goodie links … any time anyone needs a pick me up (SMILE).

I still play these over and over again to calm my waters …


Now this video is my all time favorite (LOL) … when I try to explain to folks who know nothing about the huge egos of Spaths.

Hope you can view this wmv … you will need to cut and paste this link into your search engine to view.


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