There comes a time when nurture becomes nature.
This is the time when nurture and nature become inextricable, inseparable.
I suspect nobody knows precisely when this point arrives in the development of a given individual, but the immediate ramification is this: When you are involved specifically with a sociopath, or any exploitative personality, it is imperative that you stop asking how this person became who he is?
Sure, he likely endured—and was shaped by—some form of neglect or abuse growing up, and if this wasn’t obvious in the history, it was still likely there.
But here’s the point: it doesn’t matter. Not one bit.
Instead, you must relinquish your empathy, compassion and curiosity—in short, every emotion that supports your obsession to understand the genesis and evolution of your exploiter’s pathology—and confront the reality that you are dealing with (as I propose) a case of nurture becoming nature, about which there’s not a damned thing, at this point, to be done.
The damage, in other words, was baked into his character a long time ago. There is no ameliorating it now. Not all the love in the world—nothing that you have, or think you have, or thought you had to give him—will dent the petrification of his psychopathology.
His diseased personality disease is immutable, as good as etched in his DNA. Case closed.
And so what you do is this: You run for the hills, just as you’d run from a rabid dog that perhaps once was innocent and gentle. Now the dog is rabid: it no longer matters how it became rabid. And so you run, fast, and you don’t look back, because every second you allow false hope to delay you increases your risk of grievous harm.
You may have loved that dog; maybe loved it before it became rabid, or maybe it was rabid all along and you just didn’t know it. And maybe you even still love that rabid dog, or the persisting fantasy of it as unrabid.
But the dog is rabid, and a rabid dog doesn’t love you, and it was probably rabid going way back and never really loved you as you once imagined, but again”¦it makes no difference.
There are rabid animals, and there are rabid people, and neither loves you.
And so the time for analysis, of him, is up.
To be clear: I appreciate the need to make sense of trauma. But at some point, the analysis of exploiters can assume an obsessive desperation that subverts, rather than supports, the processing of trauma.
I speak here from the position of having worked with many victims of exploitive personalities who are very much like stunned deer caught, and as if suspended indefinitely, in the headlights.
One of the vital tasks is to unstun them.
And sometimes the dogged determination to “make sense” of, to “analyze” the exploitive traumatizer can be a disguised obsession with discovering something in the history (his or yours) that you insist on imagining would have made a difference”¦would have made him different?
We can search this angle interminably. And unless we call off the search, we will.
And it’s a search we’re wise to call off because it can effectively bring us to a standstill, forever.
(My use of “he” in this article was a convenience, not meant to imply that women aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Freshlyduped~
Wow…..what a scumbag!
Yep….there out there……
I am very proud of how far you have come in such a short time to protect yourself and become aware!
Please don’t be hard on yourself. This is part of the destruction! If it wasn’t you, it would be me or ‘her’….and you better believe, you were NOT the one and only, there will be a line to ‘capture’ the heart of the fast talking surgeon.
Sick…..sick….sick!
It’s NOT personal…..IT”S NOT YOU!
In time and reading and realizing…..you will come to realize this…..you are miles ahead by your proactive reactions to your gut. You sought answers and you sure found them…..I THROW KUDOS YOUR WAY!
I’m sorry you were connned……you are trusting, loving and he preyed on you. Thats it!
You are on the journey to recovering you! You have taken back control over YOU.
Remain strong, keep reading and welcome to LF……there is a lot of info here to aid in your seeking…….
The sociopath next door was a chilling read……and I think should be required for everyone……we have so much respect for persons of authority or educated people that we just give benefit of doubt too easily…..
If I said I went to Yale….Who ever asks for a diploma? Privacy laws protect from researching with the school……
It’s just crazy…..
But…..your doing the right things…..you owe him NOTHING….say nothing….NC will help you in ways you can’t tell.
Good luck and welcome again.
XOO
EB
Freshlyduped, I totally agree with everything that ErinBrock just said. And, as far as missing him? I don’t know how I managed to do it but as soon as I accepted that he was not REAL and nothing that ever happened between us, conversations, vacations, holidays, etc. weren’t real, either. I had absolutely NO desire to ever lay eyes upon him again. I even realized that there was absolutely NOTHING I could say to him about what he did to me that would do any good because he was a sociopath and letting him know that I felt ANYTHING, even anger, towards him would only bring him pleasure. He couldn’t feel my pain. The only pain they can feel is physical and I certainly wasn’t going to challenge him to a boxing match! When you realize there is absolutely NOTHING to miss then you’ll be grateful that you missed sacrificing another second of you life for this worthless piece of crap!
Tami,
I think your above post-reply was maybe meant for Oxy as it is in regards to what her last post was to you.
I would just like to say that I’m proud of you that you can “step back” from the triangle and really give this some thought as to the unhealthy situation biddy has continued to involve you in.
LORD knows biddy DOES need help in her situation. But I don’t think that anyone can help her with advice or ideas or even support until she is ready to “recieve” it. Even being a “listening ear” at this point is almost enabeling her to stay in this situation.
BECAUSE mostly he has DONE this to her. By telling HER she is the “special one”, unlike all the other women before her.
She is kind of stuck in the middle. You, have all along predicted to her what he is capable of. This actually became HER reality, because of course he is doing all of the predictable behaviors. (not working, abusive, isolating her, lying, etc)
However he is at the other end distorting what is REAL and filling her head with “stuff” and likely devaluing anything you might be trying to tell her.
For the time being he has got her right where he wants her.
And you being his ex wife, no matter what you do you probably can’t be of any more help to her at this time. Because as much as her REALITY is so bad he has STILL managed to create that slim thread of hope in her that SHE is the ONE, and you are the “bad” guy. NOT HIM.
Although there is no shread of truth to this, and she might complain to you ENDLESSLY of what he has done to her…..She is STILL believing (under his spell) what she wants to BELIEVE, rather than what is REAL. That is what is keeping her there.
He has done a real number on her. And until she is ready to “see the light” she won’t.
And that is just giving her benifit of the doubt…..The other could very well be that she will “use” another man to get out of this situation just as Oxy predicted.
I am giving her the benifit of doubt because she was married before she dumped her husband to go for your husband. And he sounds as if he still cared for her (her x). So I have to assume if he still cared for her maybe she wasn’t of p/s/n behavior.
Regardless of all of that…..You can’t change how she thinks. He has alot more influence on that right now than you can. And maybe she really does need to move to the next “stage”, whatever that might be for her. It is very possible that by removing yourself from the triangle she might be put in the position to MOVE into the next stage.
Agree, put your time and energy where your POWER is. Your POWER is in the ability to make a great life for YOU. YOU are the only person you can really change. Concentrate on where your power is. You’ve done all you can. Let it go. Release the outcome.
Since I can’t keep up with who I am responding back to, I’m just going to write! Yes, I’m out of the triangle but you have underestimated my S a tinsy bit. I tell ya, the boy is good…damn good! He’s NEVER said an oath word against me…tells Biddy that I am a wonderful woman and I treated him better than any woman ever had. He tells HER that he’s SO sorry for treating me the way he did. He told her that once I cleaned him and bought him new clothes, etc. that other women started to notice him and he enjoyed the attention and he lost total control of himself! He said that he felt that I deserved someone so much better in my life than him so he started looking for another woman “worth” leaving me for and he finally found her. LOL! He didn’t treat me a bit worse or better than he has any other woman including herself! She knows this especially now that he’s done as much and maybe more damage to her. NOW, he has her convinced that she is the SPECIAL one because she stayed with him after he cheated on her multiple times and then gave her the STDs. He says he’ll never do her wrong again because her staying is proof of her love to him! Like I said, the guy is a piece of work! And, all those years, I honestly thought he was a dumb old mountain boy! LOL!
Dear Tami, I see your point that she may have been “duped” by this guy’s lies, BUT—again, she cheated on her husband, she is trying to keep the DRAMA TRIANGLE going and to me that says that ALL IS NOT RIGHT WITH HER—something is wrong, and with her seeming to like the drama triangle games It speaks to me that SHE has as many problems as him, if NOT the same problems–I.E psychopathy.
I THINK YOU ARE VERY WISE TO DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM HER. If she is into the drama and co-abuse, then she will hang herself with the “rope” you have given her, in any case, YOU ARE OUT OF THE TRIANGLE completely, and that is GOOD FOR YOU! (((hugs)))
Tami,
I think all that it proves is that he is really TRIES to be a smooth operator. OBVIOUSLY instead of degrading you he is saying nothing but good about you. No matter how you look at it EVERYTHING he says is to MANIPULATE biddy. By saying nothing but “good” things about you that STILL makes her feel bad. Now on top of everything else he has projected onto her she has to try and be a “BETTER” wife than you were to him!
And as smooth as he might TRY to be I have NEVER in my LIFE heard such a BIG LOAD of crap such as:
He had to find another woman “worth” leaving YOU FOR because you deserved so much better.
That is the biggest and boldest red flag!!!! She should have ran for the hills right then and there.
It just shows you how she is UNABLE see the forest for the trees. Because there is NOTHING smooth at all in that line.
If she can believe THAT she can believe anything. And that is what he has done to her. Nothing you can do or say is going to change that.
Tami,
That is after all what an S/P/N does best. Takes an absolutely unbelievable LIE and spins it so that it is believable to the person he is delivering it to.
Someday (hopefully) she will look back at this and wonder (as we all do) how she could have been drawn into his web.
There is often huge “warning” in what the S/P/N tell us. But at the time it goes right over our heads. That is the mystery of this disorder…..How they manage to do what they do.
Hi Tami
It makes sense what you said. If I look at it as everything being a lie, even down to the little trivial conversations we had, I can start throwing away the memories. How can I hang onto something that is false? I can’t tell what is true and what is untrue.
I read somewhere that if you expose them, they will disappear and quiet down from your life. Is that true? Does that mean all I have to say is “you are a sociopath” and he’ll get it? Then he can’t smirk and know that he has been playing me like a fool for the past few months b/c he has been revealed?
I know I can’t show any hint of anger b/c he doesn’t deserve to feel ANY pleasure from me any longer. I just can’t believe he took advantage of me emotionally, all for his pleasure and gain. Did he feel anything at all? Is he not the least bit sad that he know longer has my company? I guess I’m just not fully grasping the whole concept of being a sociopath.
EB, thanks for your kind words and encouragement. I really am sooo lucky I snapped out of it quick. Knowledge is power, really. Until a week ago, I never knew such evil people existed. I’ve NEVER come across anyone this severe. I wish I could somehow reach out and commiserate with some of his prior victims. What a healing process that would be for me to know I’m not crazy. But thank you for your support on this blog. It makes me feel great to know you guys understand my feelings. It is hard to talk to ppl who don’t know. I felt alone until I stumbled onto LF. Btw, what is NC?
I hope that I can get out of this depression – and quick! I am learning how to heal and reading up on trust again. As of now, I am quick to question everything that anyone tells me. I hope it fades b/c it is giving me anxiety and headaches. I am also learning to uncover some things in my past which I think may have made me more prone to him (initially). If anything, that is the good thing that came out of it. I need to reassess my wants and needs in a relationship.
thank you for your emails.
FD
Yes, aint they somethin’? And, when I said that he’d never said anything bad about me, I said it with complete sarcasim. I KNOW what he’s doing. And, yes, it was a long time ago that she told me that he said he’d been looking for another woman for a long time but hadn’t found one worth leaving me for until her. I remember asking her if that statement alone wasn’t enough to let her know that he was CRAZY! It’s like I’ve said about my car, I’d like to trade because I’m a little unhappy with a couple of things about it but I haven’t found another one that I like well enough to give it up for just yet! LOL!
At one time, my heart went out to her as his next victim but I’ve practically drowned her in the water and she still won’t drink it! LOL! And, yes, it’s crossed my mind more than once that she is also a sociopath but I think her behavior is more of a reflection of the impact his has had upon her. All the poor girl seems to know is what he tells her! Thank God, I was 8 years older than him and recognized that my son had a much better sense of judgement than he did when it came to business matters, etc. This silly girl thinks because he’s 10 years older than she that he is WISE and knows everything! Which brings me to another thought. He is actually not a very smart person…not a lot of book sense nor common sense. I can’t help but wonder how he can be SO stupid in these ways, yet so powerfully intelligent as a con? Maybe he’s only actling like he’s stupid in other ways. Afterall, it does get him off the hook when it comes to having to assume responsibilities or hold down a job! Mercy me!