There comes a time when nurture becomes nature.
This is the time when nurture and nature become inextricable, inseparable.
I suspect nobody knows precisely when this point arrives in the development of a given individual, but the immediate ramification is this: When you are involved specifically with a sociopath, or any exploitative personality, it is imperative that you stop asking how this person became who he is?
Sure, he likely endured—and was shaped by—some form of neglect or abuse growing up, and if this wasn’t obvious in the history, it was still likely there.
But here’s the point: it doesn’t matter. Not one bit.
Instead, you must relinquish your empathy, compassion and curiosity—in short, every emotion that supports your obsession to understand the genesis and evolution of your exploiter’s pathology—and confront the reality that you are dealing with (as I propose) a case of nurture becoming nature, about which there’s not a damned thing, at this point, to be done.
The damage, in other words, was baked into his character a long time ago. There is no ameliorating it now. Not all the love in the world—nothing that you have, or think you have, or thought you had to give him—will dent the petrification of his psychopathology.
His diseased personality disease is immutable, as good as etched in his DNA. Case closed.
And so what you do is this: You run for the hills, just as you’d run from a rabid dog that perhaps once was innocent and gentle. Now the dog is rabid: it no longer matters how it became rabid. And so you run, fast, and you don’t look back, because every second you allow false hope to delay you increases your risk of grievous harm.
You may have loved that dog; maybe loved it before it became rabid, or maybe it was rabid all along and you just didn’t know it. And maybe you even still love that rabid dog, or the persisting fantasy of it as unrabid.
But the dog is rabid, and a rabid dog doesn’t love you, and it was probably rabid going way back and never really loved you as you once imagined, but again”¦it makes no difference.
There are rabid animals, and there are rabid people, and neither loves you.
And so the time for analysis, of him, is up.
To be clear: I appreciate the need to make sense of trauma. But at some point, the analysis of exploiters can assume an obsessive desperation that subverts, rather than supports, the processing of trauma.
I speak here from the position of having worked with many victims of exploitive personalities who are very much like stunned deer caught, and as if suspended indefinitely, in the headlights.
One of the vital tasks is to unstun them.
And sometimes the dogged determination to “make sense” of, to “analyze” the exploitive traumatizer can be a disguised obsession with discovering something in the history (his or yours) that you insist on imagining would have made a difference”¦would have made him different?
We can search this angle interminably. And unless we call off the search, we will.
And it’s a search we’re wise to call off because it can effectively bring us to a standstill, forever.
(My use of “he” in this article was a convenience, not meant to imply that women aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Freshly Duped,
I’m sorry that you are feeling bad…all this takes time. I was totally devastated when my ex S just up and left me out of the blue. I was left in literal shock and found myself then found myself very close to anorexic. I couldn’t choke found down nor did I desire to eat. I survived by drinking Boost just to have the energy to get through my work day. Then, I came home and drank myself to the point of numbness so I could go to sleep. These were certainly NO my normal habits. I LOVE food and might have a social drink once a year. After about two months of living like this and while new horrific information was being presented to me about my ex-S behavior during our marriage, I decided that I needed help…this was something to big for me to handle.
I was fortunate enough to locate a counselor who specialized in counseling victims of abuse whether it be physical, mental, emotional, sexual, or all. During my first visit with him, I was completely honest. I wasn’t about to pay him over $100 an hour to bash my ex…I could always do that with my friends or blog. I told him that he had been the perfect husband as far as how he had treated me with the exception of his lack of interest in holding down a job. I told him that he’d never curse me, called me a bad name and that we’d never had an argument. I believe in sitting down and talking out problems in a respectful manner. So, given that he seem to shower me with affection, claimed I was his soulmate and that he didn’t know what he’d do if he ever had to face a day without me…his sudden exit left me bewildered. I also told the counselor that I had been dumped before and had suffered a few heartbreaks but somehow I didn’t feel like a jilted lover this time around. I told him the things I had been told about how he behaved behind my back throughout our entire marriage and how confused I was that I never suspected ANYTHING! I told him how I had boasted to the very women that he was cheating on me with about how good he was to me and how I couldn’t ask for a better husband.
It was somewhere at this point in our conversation that he looked me straight in the eye and informed me that I as NOT a jilted lover but rather a VICTIM of a sociopath. I thought he was nuts and blurted out my own definition of a sociopath as being a serial killer! Then he started to educate me. He also helped me understand WHY I was feeling the things that I was feeling. I was much more than just a heartbreak. My dreams had been destroyed by this man. He had built me up just to tear me down. He had violated me…raped me financially, emotionally and sexually. He had inflicted degradation and humiliation upon me and ENJOYED it. He told me to never refer to myself as a jilted lover or a scorned ex-wife where this man was concerned because I was neither…I was a victim who was about to become a surivivor!
My counselor summed everything up for me. It suddenly all made sense. I had NOTHING left to wonder about. I had been asking myself WHY, WHY, WHY for over 2 months and I would have NEVER figured it out on my own. He gave provided me with reading materials, he referred me to LF and he watched me go through all the stages of healing!
You are in the very early stages…you’re still hurting. Once you accept and believe that this man is truely a sociopath, you can expect to become enraged next. However, you MUST remember that striking out at him is of not use to you…he doesn’t feel your pain nor your anger and if you let him see it…he will only feel gratification from it. And, please don’t attempt physically harming him…he’s not worth your going to jail!
Just always keep in mind that he is NOT real. He’s a fake and a chameleon. He doesn’t matter anymore and my guess is that you probably weren’t the only woman that he was seeing on the side. If so, he’s already replaced you by now. Pity his next victim, don’t you dare envy her!
Even now, after nearly 3 years and a new marriage, I still have to come back here to LF for brain food from time to time. There’s great people on here who are in various stages of healing. You are very much in the early stages but once you heal, you’ll be a stronger and wiser person for having endured the experience of being involved with a sociopath. Soon, his actions will be so transparent for you. God bless you and hold on tight, girlfriend!
By the way, I had been trying to drop about ten pounds for a couple of years the only thing I can say that I can truely thank the S for is a diet plan that worked! LOL!
Tami:
Yes. My ex felt that the mortgage payment and everything else was my responsibility…even though he lived under my roof. His logic was “well, you’d have to pay for those things anyway, with our without me here.” He didn’t get it. Didn’t get that I had to pay for extra food and utilities for him and his son who moved in plus I paid for the car he drove. What kind of logic is that?? His son was HIS responsibility to feed and buy clothes for. What happened was he talked the mom of their child into giving them both joint custody so he could live with us 5 days a week and then live with her on weekends. She agreed because the kid failed the 4th grade 2 times in a row. We put him in a better school. So, the ex would pay for the kid’s school lunches and some clothes but that was it. He didn’t have to pay child support anymore. What an ass. He was shuffling the kid from my place to the OW’s place during the week eating for free and living for free and then shuffling him back to the real mom’s on weekends. He felt no obligation to pay me for anything and I bet he did not pay the OW anything either. When I kicked him out and took the car back, the OW wound up driving him around in her car. Or should I say “taking” her car. What he would do to isolate me was to take my car, drop me off at work, pick me up from work too. This way, I could not have any freedom at all. This is probably what he did to the OW too. I wonder if she bought him a car by now.
Dear Steve,
I am the deer in the headlights.
My therapist, who knows my narcissistic husband, supports my leaving the marriage. But I feel just like a deer in the headlights, unable to move forward or back. Wanting to cling to the belief that he loves me. But she tells me there is no one there on the other side. And I just can’t grasp that.
She has said to me:
–You need to rescue YOURSELF.
–He will NEVER give you the empathy you long for.
–The prognosis that you will be happy with him is very POOR.
–He sees you as an OBJECT.
–His defense is so strong that he can easily say you don’t matter and discard you if things don’t work out.
–You keep going back hoping to find something DIFFERENT when he’s shown you consistently that he can’t do anymore (emotionally).
After a year and a half separation, I still wait for him to show me that he doesn’t want to lose me.
After I filed for divorce in June, then got cold feet in Oct and asked to try again, now we’ve seen his former therapist, John, as a couples therapist twice. John says to him that he acts out aggressively his issues into the relationship. Says that if husband wants “fast track” therapy as he said he did, he should work on “projective identification” where he is very angry, projects the anger on his wife, so that he then becomes the victim, and until he works that out withing himself, there can’t be a relationship.
Now he doesn’t want to go back to that therapist. I think he feels humiliated and threatened that HE has a problem pronounced to the world (i.e. me).
And I don’t have the courage to leave. I fear I’ll fall apart without him. I believe that I NEED him to survive. I believe I depend on him, even though I know he has not offered emotional nurturing I want.
Thanks for the insights. It stills does not UN-stun me from the headlights.
Dancing Warrior:
Oh girl, I am so sorry that you are standing there waiting for the car to run you over, again and again.
Pain and drama/trauma ARE mesmerizing.
There is a really good article here (somewhere…can never find a damn thing here) about nuero pathways, and our ‘pleasure pathways’ getting hijacked by the spaths. I KNOW this to be TRUE. It starts with something that feels good, and once we are hooked….well, then we are f**ked.
He can’t lose you – HE NEVER HAD YOU. See? He is a figment of his and your imagination. See?
But, YOU have lost you. See? see?
And THAT’S the POINT.
So, you fall apart without him. Embrace it, cause all that glue that is him is acid waste and falling apart is a small price to pay for ridding yourself of the pain in your viens. ALL those thoughts, THAT you NEED him -THAT is the evil of him. See?
Close your eyes, for just a second, just a mili-second, you’ve done it before. It’s just the walk off the road, keep your head down, don’t look up. You CAN make it.
ALL the best,
one step
I dont think they are unhappy. Unhappy is an emotion. They might be frustrated or pissed that they don’t get what they want. But unhappy, nope. Same goes for happiness, as long as they get what they want and do what they want and things go their way they might have a smile on their face and a happy attitude but it aint happy they feel, it’s power and contol they live for. They dont know about happy or unhappy.
Regarding the earlier discussion on the lack of jobs, lack of financial contribution, lack of responsibility, lack of drivers licenses, lack of cars, etc, I have said it before and I’ll say it again–to determine whether someone is worth getting involved with, a good starting place is the “4-ations”:
1. Do they have education?
2. Do they have occupation?
3. Do they have habitation?
4. Do they have transportation?
When I finally stopped making excuses for the lacks possesed by every loser I have ever dated — and which the S possessed in spades, I realized I needed to take a new approach to who I chose to get involved with. Using the 4 ations as a starting point paid off. I met a really great guy and things have been going really well for 6 months.
A few people have mentioned that spaths don’t like humour and laughter.
Mine must have an inordinate amount of joyous contempt, cause we laughed all the time.
erggh, THAT thought is best left for another day. I have had a LOT of epiphanies today and am tired for it.
ouu, and my spath has a husband, an address, SEVERAL NAMES, phones, a SERIOUS AVOCATION and a little internet art business.
and if i had more time i would watch her house on google earth and figure out what make her car is, cause she managed to drive a half hour away from her home to mail me crap.
one step, who is mighty pissed.
Hi Amber/Tami
Thanks for your post. I am begining to see the hints. I always thought it was weird that he told me I should probably be with someone else who could make me happy. He said he didn’t want to stand in the way of someone else being able to do that b/c he wanted me to be happy b/c he thought I deserved it. He never admitted to me what he probably knows (sociopathic tendecies) although he did say he had a lot of issues and that he knew needed to see a therapist. He always said it was family issues though and also related to a college GF who died in a car crash, then his parents divorced shortly after, leaving him with walls all up around him which impeded his ability to love (hmm, some foreshadowing here!). We had endless nights of conversation about this and of course me the caring person would sit there and comfort him and allow him to open up and share. All the while he is twisting that fork deeper and deeper into me.
Of note, in “the sociopath next door”, Martha Stout talks about a male sociopath giving the same story about a GF who had died in a car crash leaving him messed up (PITY PLOY here) which tipped me off to my S giving the same BS. How timely this exact verbatim story came out, leaving me reaching out to him more. I’ll never know if this is factual info but who cares at this point.
I know I’m in the early stages of healing. The initial shock has worn off but like Tami said, I keep thinking of conversations we’ve had and I start shaking and going into panic mode when I realize the story was more than likely a lie with a motive to 1)impress me, 2) inflate his own dilusional ego for self satisfaction, and 3) work to manipulate and dominate in his own game of winning ME and my soul.
He has avoided me the last 2 days at work after stalking me on Thanksgiving day (at work) so I hope I am lucky he continues this NC. I like your approach amber – that he may be living in fear that I will spill to people at work so he has to keep things on the DL. I wont say anything but he won’t know that. And that is what will allow me to take control of the situation which will in turn propel me further in my healing process b/c I need to get the heck out of this state. I feel so hypersensitive to men and relationships right now. I want my innocence back. :((( I don’t want to be jaded and go into my next relationship doubting everything he says or does.
you’re right, I need to deal w/these setbacks. I need to have in place mechanisms to explain and reason it in my head that he did not intentionally mean to ‘hurt’ me b/c he doesn’t know hurt. His goal/motive just put him in the position to continue hurting me without empathy for doing so.
Tami, I HOPE he has moved on and forgotten about me. Of course I say that but I am still thinking about him 24-7 and trying to put myself in his shoes. He’s probably at home playing Wii with his kids and saying “Jennifer who?” (name changed). That makes me feel a tiny bit better, yeah right. It’s just not in his DNA.
ok I know time will heal and allow me to forget. but these early moments are tough. I am lonely and lost in these thoughts. Thank God for LF and all of you. I’m so lucky to have stumbled across this site when I googled “dating a pathological liar”
hopefully I’m moving towards some happines and self value/worth in the near future.. FD
Dancing Warrior…. For most, I think it is very hard to get unstunned while still living with them, while still having contact. I know it took me a couple of years to follow all the advise the therapist gave me. I hope you can go no contact soon and get unstunned. You are already living without him, in terms of emotional support. He is not there for you. You just need to make the physical reality match the emotional reality. Leave if you can, it make take a year, or even longer, but you will get unstunned and there is a better life for you. Read the postings here and you may get unstunned MUCH MUCH faster. Sometimes it can suddenly happen in the course of one conversation. That is what happened to me. Suddenly I saw him for what he was and dropped the phone (we were talking on the phone) like I had been shocked by electricity. Instead, I had been shocked awake by the truth.