There comes a time when nurture becomes nature.
This is the time when nurture and nature become inextricable, inseparable.
I suspect nobody knows precisely when this point arrives in the development of a given individual, but the immediate ramification is this: When you are involved specifically with a sociopath, or any exploitative personality, it is imperative that you stop asking how this person became who he is?
Sure, he likely endured—and was shaped by—some form of neglect or abuse growing up, and if this wasn’t obvious in the history, it was still likely there.
But here’s the point: it doesn’t matter. Not one bit.
Instead, you must relinquish your empathy, compassion and curiosity—in short, every emotion that supports your obsession to understand the genesis and evolution of your exploiter’s pathology—and confront the reality that you are dealing with (as I propose) a case of nurture becoming nature, about which there’s not a damned thing, at this point, to be done.
The damage, in other words, was baked into his character a long time ago. There is no ameliorating it now. Not all the love in the world—nothing that you have, or think you have, or thought you had to give him—will dent the petrification of his psychopathology.
His diseased personality disease is immutable, as good as etched in his DNA. Case closed.
And so what you do is this: You run for the hills, just as you’d run from a rabid dog that perhaps once was innocent and gentle. Now the dog is rabid: it no longer matters how it became rabid. And so you run, fast, and you don’t look back, because every second you allow false hope to delay you increases your risk of grievous harm.
You may have loved that dog; maybe loved it before it became rabid, or maybe it was rabid all along and you just didn’t know it. And maybe you even still love that rabid dog, or the persisting fantasy of it as unrabid.
But the dog is rabid, and a rabid dog doesn’t love you, and it was probably rabid going way back and never really loved you as you once imagined, but again”¦it makes no difference.
There are rabid animals, and there are rabid people, and neither loves you.
And so the time for analysis, of him, is up.
To be clear: I appreciate the need to make sense of trauma. But at some point, the analysis of exploiters can assume an obsessive desperation that subverts, rather than supports, the processing of trauma.
I speak here from the position of having worked with many victims of exploitive personalities who are very much like stunned deer caught, and as if suspended indefinitely, in the headlights.
One of the vital tasks is to unstun them.
And sometimes the dogged determination to “make sense” of, to “analyze” the exploitive traumatizer can be a disguised obsession with discovering something in the history (his or yours) that you insist on imagining would have made a difference”¦would have made him different?
We can search this angle interminably. And unless we call off the search, we will.
And it’s a search we’re wise to call off because it can effectively bring us to a standstill, forever.
(My use of “he” in this article was a convenience, not meant to imply that women aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dancing Warrior,
Sociopaths use fear and anxiety to keep their victims bonded – it sounds like that is what you are experiencing. It actually evolves into an addiction to be with the sociopath. The following article explains this:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/04/13/motivation-needing-wanting-and-liking/
Therefore, in order to break free, you’ll need to treat it like an addiction. You have to go cold turkey to get him out of your life – every time you go back, or allow him back – even for a phone call – it’s like starting over.
So you have to get away, and then take it one day at a time to stay away. One day at a time. You can do it one day at a time.
Matt:
At this point the S is lacking on all the ‘4 ations’…..
I remembered back, a few nights ago, after reading about this…..
The S was just like this…..we had relocated about 20 years ago to where I am now…..kids…..then I got pregers….with first…..he NEVER WORKED! I even worked pregers, waiting tables 8+ months pregers in a dinner house.
as he sat on his ass…..3 weeks after my c section I went right back to opening up a new restaurant on the water becasue the timing was what it was….it was a summer deal only…..so I did it…..as he sat on his ass…..I pumped breast milk….inbetween tables…..as he sat on his ass.
Now….I know he was selling dope too……so in his mind….he worked!
But…..if ALL PERSONS looking to date would adhere to the 4 ations rule……without exception….and I don’t give a shit what the economy is doing…..we wouldn’t be in such a mess!!!
Thanks for the reminder….I have a date wed…..funny enough….with a PI!
Yes Matt….I totally agree…..
So if your asking me out…..I must decline…..
🙂
Actually…..I think we could sure kick some butt if we teamed up…..professionally!
hmmm alot of people cant afford to eat these days.
MATT! Guess who e mailed me the day after TG wanting to know when they could arrange to pick up their stuff out of the warehouse!? LOL
Said he hadn’t contacted me because he lost my phone number and my son d had not taken his calls since January 15th–which turned out to be true, he had called D and asked for money (he still owes D money from a previous “loan”) and D said NO!
Funny, though, he DID have my e mail address cause that was how he contacted me this time.
Also, since they had a KEY to the place and it wasn’t behind a locked gate or anything, I don’t see any reason that he has to make “arrangements” with me to go down there and get his stuff–do you? LOL There is nothing left there now except 50+ huge boxes of wet clothing and wet books and trash where it has rained in the leaky roof and through the part of the roof that is gone.
I actually had a good laugh at the e mail he wrote projecting blame on my son D for not taking his calls and on “losing” my phone number (he has used this excuse the last 2-3 times he has contacted me by e mail) and then the PITY play about being in a wheel chair–which he has been for 30+ years, but most of his problem is the huge addiction to Rx narcotics by the handfull and staying stoned 24/7 (which is part of his money problems as well)
I think what the whole deal was about was he was waiting for me to be inconvenienced enough that I would volunteer my vehicle, my gas, and my and D’s labor to move the stuff (again) for my own convenience. He’s pretty good at out waiting people, but I think this time, he miscalculated my investment in taking care of his stuff and doing for him what he ought to be doing for himself, as well as my “pity” level for people in wheel chairs.
I worked in spinal cord rehab long enough that I am not overcome with pity for physical disabilities. Some of the most active and productive people I know are and have been in a WC for decades, but they dont’ sit on their arses and whine about it, they get out and do to the best of their ability, go to school, work, and don’t stay blatto on drugs and feel sorry for themselves. They manage their finances and support their kids and families—in short, they live life, not whine about others not taking care of them. Man what a hard arse I have become, huh?!
Matt, your 4-ations are a very good start! But I would like to add a 5th A-tion–REPUT-ation.
The reason for this is that when you meet someone “in isolation’ and you dont’ know them, it is almost like a cyber-hook up, they can pretend to be anything and you have no way to judge (except by external appearances) whether they are representing themselves as they are or if they are trying to pull a fast one on you by pretending to be someone/thing they are not.
So by meeting their friends, co workers, neighbors, etc you might be much more able to put that person into CONTEXT of REPUT-ation and though that might not always work, it at the same time, should give you a better idea if the rest of the things are true or not.
The transport-ation could be borrowed or rented, along with the habit-ation, the educ-atioon can be faked (get diplomas on line for $5 LOL) etc. but REPUT-ation is harder to fake.
Reputation was what finally outed my X BF to me, when I ibegan to hear the stories of how he behaved in the past with his x wife, it started me thinking. Without those “mutual” friends we had I would probably have married the s-pathole
OXY…..
I thought you burned the barn!
I just went through the Soc #2’s stuff and unfortunately it too got snowed on and rained on……so it was all moldy and stinky…..maybe a good time to offer it back…..delivered!!!!
I filled my trash cans and put it out at the street……and the BEAR got into it and spewed it about 1/8th of a mile…..bank statements to moldy clothes….gee….I hope no one got any identification as it was blowing around all night……
I came out to take the kids to school and there was a maintenance guy picking it all up…..I was really mortified…..my neighbors were like…..EB….what in the hell was in your trash……
Maybe the S #2 drove bye and noticed his crap spewed all over the road!
So….when you getting rid of the junk?
OxDrover,
I need to get myself to bed, but HAVE to comment on your ‘5th’. yes, yes, and yes.
and if you meet someone cyber, they better show up on google…and all their supposed friends, etc.
I have had to spend some time exorcising myself from the net since the spath- I realized that part of a blog I kept was cahed, So I wrote google and had them remove it – page by frekking page. It was info I didn’t want the spath finding, just in case she hadn’t.
and I lOVE ‘s-pathole’. 🙂
goodnight now.
one step
Dear one-step,
the s-pathole is not my original word I think Henry gets credit for that one, but my memory is so much swiss cheese I am not for sure about that one.
You sound like you are starting to get your head together, that’s good, I think many of us come here acting/feeling like wack jobs but LF helps us clear our heads and start to think straight. I credit this place with my ration of sanity–lots of good information here and putting it to use is the only way out of the hole we let them dig and push us in. In my case, I think I JUMPED into the hole, over and over, but now I am OUT and glad yuou are starting to see the light—your sense of humor seems intact, I bet the rest of you is too!
So glad you found your way here!
I didn’t know google would erase things off the internet. I don’t know squat about computers and the internet and what is possible and what isn’t. I guess I should bone up on “internet for dummies”
Erin Brock, you rock!! Im sorry but I HAD to laugh about the bear getting into your trash can and scattering it all over the road! Wouldnt it be so great if we could lock up all the spaths witha couple of hungry bears, LOL! I hear they can disembowel you with one swipe of their paw!
O please God let me have this great fantasy a bit longer!!
The ancient egyptians used to throw criminals to the crocs,-Ok, crocs and bears, wed be truly doiing our bit for recycling, cleaning the planet of spaths, giving hungry creatures fresh food,after all they are TRASH, so thats all theyre fit for!I wonder if it will catch on/ Just think, wed empty our prisons, leaving lots of free housing for needy people,wed be helping the environment,Oh YES!!YES!! YES!! Love, your homicidal Gem.!!XX
Matt and Ox,
I’ve never heard of the “5 ations” until I read your post. Mine had one out of the 5. The home he was supposed to have was a room he was temporarily renting from someone. His reputation was one that wasn’t entirely revealed to me, which is of course, one of their little tricks.
I also didn’t know that about Google, but I’ll put that to use as well. I also do “private browsing” on Firefox when I’m on this site as well. I wasn’t aware you could even do that. I don’t know how much it hides, but it can’t hurt.
one step; I found this site just a few weeks ago and I can’t tell you how much it’s helped me. This is the only place I can come to and talk about what has happened and know that what I say here, stays here. There are a lot of warm, caring people here. LF is at the top of my gratitude list.
Someone said it best when it comes to getting through all the changes: At first it seems like it’s all bad days, then a good day creeps in. Suddenly, you realize it’s 50/50. There’s a good day, then a bad day, etc.. Then one day you wake up and it’s almost all good days with a bad one thrown in there now and then. I’m somewhere in all of that. I don’t think I had laughed in weeks until I came here.
Hugs!