A woman contacted Lovefraud seeking advice in dealing with an extremely disturbing situation. This woman, we’ll call her Rosalyn, suspects her sister-in-law of child abuse.
Rosalyn has been caring for the child regularly ever since she was small, and the girl is now starting school. The little girl if fine in Rosalyn’s care, but when it’s time for her go home, when Rosalyn says, “Mommy’s coming to get you,” the child starts crying and carrying on.
Several times Rosalyn has noticed that the child had bruises. “How did your hurt yourself?” she asked. The girl said she didn’t remember. Other incidents also have Rosalyn concerned about her young niece’s wellbeing.
Rosalyn sees behavior in her sister-in-law that makes her think the woman is a sociopath. It’s not a conclusion she came to lightly. “It took me about a year to figure it out,” Rosalyn said. “I’m pretty sure that’s what the problem is.”
The woman is still married to Rosalyn’s brother. But when Rosalyn tried to talk to her brother about her sister-in-law’s behavior, the result, she said, was “shoot the messenger.” Rosalyn’s brother did not want to discuss her concerns.
So, worried about her niece, Rosalyn called Lovefraud. What should she do?
Father in denial
Rosalyn told me more that makes me think that her concerns are legitimate—details that I am not including in this article. It also sounds like her brother is a caring man who is in denial or under his wife’s control.
Many of us have had to stand by helplessly as someone we cared about was being manipulated by a sociopath. And many of us were that person being manipulated, while our friends and families tried to talk sense into us. The hard reality is that, until someone involved with a sociopath is ready to see what is going on and take steps to leave, there is very little others can do. That appears to be the situation with Rosalyn’s brother.
Call the authorities?
Rosalyn asked if she should call the authorities. As heartbreaking as it is, the answer may be no.
Rosalyn is not operating a licensed daycare facility—if she was, she would be legally mandated to report any suspected child abuse. Rosalyn is simply babysitting her niece regularly.
Rosalyn does not have proof that her sister-in-law is harming the child. So if she called the authorities, it would probably backfire. First of all, the sister-in-law works in a profession that most people would find to be incongruous with child abuse. Secondly, her brother does not see, or at least admit to, a problem.
This is a married couple that is living together. If the child doesn’t “remember” how she got hurt, the mother denies any wrongdoing, and the father says there is no problem, it is unlikely that Rosalyn will be believed.
Resist the temptation to disparage
Rosalyn asked if she should “plant seeds” in her brother’s mind that there might be something wrong with his wife. Again, this is very risky. Here’s what Dr. Leedom wrote in a previous blog post, ASK DR. LEEDOM: How can I get my _____ away from the psychopathic con artist?
The sociopath will set up situations that narrow, yet intensify, the range of emotions your loved one feels. Be as much of a source of warmth and encouragement that you can. Try to resist any temptation to disparage the sociopath. The responsibility for recognizing the evil in the sociopath has to come from the person him or herself. If the person complains about his/her life, do not react emotionally, instead be a good listener and point out the feelings you see. If you become angry and say to the effect, “How dare he/she treat you this way!” You will see your loved one defend the sociopath, and make you shoulder the emotions he/she should be having about the situation. Instead, your loved one has to personally own all the negative feelings about the sociopath.
Rosalyn’s brother is still in the fog, that place of confusion created by the sociopath. Suppose Rosalyn had a “heart-to-heart” with her brother, accusing his wife of child abuse. Suppose the brother then confronted his wife. The woman would convincingly deny any wrongdoing, and then convincingly attack Rosalyn, forbidding the child to ever see Rosalyn again.
Maintain contact with the child
This would be the worst thing that could happen. At least, with Rosalyn, the little girl is safe and happy. She gets a respite from whatever may be going on at home. So the most important thing is for Rosalyn to maintain a connection with the child.
It may be best for Rosalyn to take no direct action to contact authorities, warn the brother or confront the sister-in-law. Instead, it may be best for Rosalyn to bite her tongue, keep her eyes open and make sure she can keep babysitting the little girl.
Rosalyn, should, however document everything that happens. She should keep careful records of any behavior the child exhibits that might point to a problem, photograph any unexplained injuries and videotape the child’s acting out.
By doing that, Rosalyn may accumulate evidence for when the child gets old enough to say what is happening to her, or the brother begins to come out of the fog, or the mother screws up—which she will. Then, her documentation may help free the child from an unhappy situation.
This is the sort of complex, awful situation that a sociopath tends to set up: any of the normal “right actions” can backfire, making the situation even worse. I feel so badly for Rosalyn and the little girl in this.
I also wonder about the legal implications — does Rosalyn risk being targeted for having suspicions and NOT blowing the whistle? And, I agree with your assessment of the consequences of the obvious actions. Such a terrible bind!
I was thinking that Rosalyn could call her state’s child abuse hotline and report anonymously. The problem with this approach is if she’s the only one who has noticed the abuse, it won’t her sister-in-law and brother long to track it back to her. Then, they will probably retaliate by keeping her niece away from her.
Is Rosalyn’s niece in school yet? If she is, then that provides Rosalyn some protective cover — in most states, school teachers are legally required to report suspected abuse.
Every day that goes by, the child is being more traumatized. That’s the 800-pound gorilla in this room.
She’s black and blue. She doesn’t want to go home with her mother. She won’t discuss what happened to her (when most children are delighted to show you their booboos and tell you how they got them.) Her father not only refuses to discuss the problem, gets emotional about his refusal.
This doesn’t look like a hard equation to put together. The question is not what Rosalyn should do, but how to get this child out of the situation and into protection.
Rosalyn is a close relative who sees the child on a regular basis. Whether she is paid for childcare isn’t the issue. Her exposure to the child is. She is in a position to report the situation, and she should. A case needs to be opened by social services. The first report is where it begins.
I feel for Roslyn because it sounds like she is the only one who knows or can make the call. And the one thing that might help is for her to expand the world of those who know. Maybe she should start inviting people to lunch when the little girl is there, and let them start asking questions too. She can tell them what she knows and what she’s done so far. If there are other relatives, they should be exposed to the child too. Rosalyn doesn’t have to say a word, if the other people don’t pick up on the problem. She can make her decisions as she goes along. But the more people who are aware of the situation, the more support she’ll have in the long run.
The other thing that would probably help is for her to start talking to the child, telling her that she is a good girl, that she deserves to be loved, and that it’s a bad thing if one person hurts another person. Someone needs to start counteracting the learning of childhood trauma. She doesn’t have to be too direct or overt about it. She could talk about other people, tell her that she saw another little girl with a booboo and she helped her put a band-aid on it. Or talk with her about cartoons they watch, and say how bad it is when people hurt each other. Just start establishing an environment of different values.
I was an abused child. I think that one of the reasons I was able to separate myself from my parents’ craziness was because I had a grandmother who thought a lot of me, and who kept talking about life that was different from the life I had at home. She helped me see that I could judge other people’s behavior. And she helped me believe that I deserved to be loved.
It didn’t change the fact that I carried a lot of baggage from my childhood. But I think it planted a seed that was able to bloom later, when I was ready.
The other thing is that I agree with Lianne’s advice about not directly confronting the husband. But the same kind of indirect expression of values may also help there. It may remind him of who he used to be, and what he really believes. It may also help to tell him how wonderful the little girls is, and Rosalyn sees the virtues of her father in her.
We all know how hard it is to extricate ourselves from a sociopath, especially when we’ve been emotionally starved and beaten down with belittlement. Emotional sustenance sometimes helps a lot. Telling someone that they’re worth something, that we trust them to do the right thing, recognizing their achievements, it all counts.
But the bottom line in all this is that it sounds like that little girl needs protection. And the real issue here is how that’s going to happen.
Is Roslyns relationship with her brother a close one? Is he acting out of character by not wanting to “get involved” with her concerns… That would be a red flag to me if it were out of character – if he had a close relationship with his little girl.
I say if the child is in school to call child protective services anonymously offering only the school name and address by means of investigating claim – thereby opening the possibility that any number of people could have contacted them, not just the Aunt.
Furthermore, the Aunt can the school guidance counsellor and express her concerns in confidentiality and ask her to please look into it for the safety and welfare of one of her students. They take this very seriously and will likely have the school nurse see her.
I dont think she should mention anything further to the brother or sister-in-law and I agree she should remain on neutral ground offering a safe have for the little girl while authorities investigate.
And the Aunt should be prepared to be investigated as well simply by standard protocal if she is a caretaker. My heart goes out to this little girl, I hope she finds safety and comfort from harmsway soon.
I’ve had surprising, even very good results researching potential sociopaths. Many county courthouses have online systems. I don’t worry about lots of speeding tickets, but resisting arrest after driving under the influence or multiple restraining orders merits concern. Just an idea.
I work with abused and neglected children in a large city Department of Social Services and I agree 100% with Kathleen Hawk and learnthelesson -the aunt must call child protective services immediately. Yes, she can report anonymously, but she must report. It appears this child is in danger- she has bruises; is afraid to go home.
It’s too bad that the aunt might be risking her relationship with her brother if he realizes she made the report, but an innocent child could be in danger- how would she feel if the child sustains a serious injury? And, yes, if the child is in school and they suspect anything they are mandated to report. So is the pediatrician so the aunt may want to contact both of those.
Child protective service workers will interview the child alone and they are skilled at asking the right questions. Of course, some children will not tell on a parent, but the report still must be made
Roselyn must report the abuse, but she’d better be smart about it.
She’s got to get the bruises and the social worker together.
The aunt shouldn’t call social services because she’s feeling confident or courageous on a given day. She needs to be shrewd about this. Roselyn should call social services when there’s physical evidence to confirm her suspicions.
Then the call needs to be anonymous, and state the child’s name and school. In this way the child can be examined at school, and teacher’s can be made aware of the suspicion. Then the teachers will start to be more alert.
A paper trail needs to be established. When Roselyn’s brother finally figures out what’s going on, he’ll need help. If Roselyn’s brother separates from his wife and loses custody, Roselyn will probably lose all contact with the child.
Teacher’s and child care workers make egregiously silly accusations of child abuse and neglect all the time. If there’s real cause, they’ll report it along with the dozen or so goofy accusations they’ll make over the year. They’ve been trained to look for evidence of child abuse, and they tend to make a lot of frivolous reports. Chances are Roselyn’s sister in law will assume it’s the teacher’s who are catching the abuse, particularly since the investigations will be centering around school.
It’s not unusual to have social workers parading in and out of the school every day. Sometimes these cases are even batched and handled on a single day of the week. It’s a circus, but that can work in the child’s favor. With all the confusion, it’s unlikely the sister-in-law will realize who the tipster is.
I’ve been thinking about Roselyn and her niece all day. I hope everything comes out all right for this little girl. I hold out the hope that this is simply a misunderstanding.
Personally, I’ve seen no proven child abuse. Mostly I’ve seen misunderstandings based on differing cultures, education and income levels. As a result of these misunderstandings, there’s been a lot of conflict between good parents and well meaning social workers. For this reason I’ve never reported child abuse. Erroneous reports cause serious heartache.
Whatever happens, let’s pray the outcome of this case results in happiness and safety for this little girl.
Child Abuse is real. I have worked in this field for a few years in numerous capacities. I have seen things that don’t seem real or possible but sadly, not everyone in the world is like you or me.
I say… report the suspected abuse.
Many of the cases I have seen have had a long history of reports starting when the child was young. Though the early reports may have been stamped “unsubstantiated”, it doesn’t matter. Over time, the reports show a pattern.
In one case, the same child that told his teacher in preschool, “I have a bad Daddy. I need a new one” later becamse the child (10 yrs old) that was punched in the face by his Dad… a single man that adopted the boy from a foriegn counrty as a baby. The father’s explantion of all the bruises when the child was in preschool was “I tripped while carrying him upstairs to bed and fell on him.”
Rosalyn should consider discussing her concerns with the school and ask them to keep an eye out for things that don’t look right. Kids sometimes have bruises.. and other times, they have a “picture” of Mommy’s hand across their face or the imprint of a belt buckle on their backside.
In CA, you may spank your child with an open hand only.
You may not use any hard objects.
And you may not leave a lasting mark.
I am sorry but I don’t agree that Rosalynn should not report this.
Meanwhile, perhaps Rosalyn could look into what it might take for her to become a Foster Parent for the child so that she can try to avoid the child going into non-family Foster Care.
Aloha Traveler,
I think we have a misunderstanding. I absolutely believe that Roselyn should report this. I outlined how and why in excruciating detail in a previous post.
Looking into whether Roselyn could become a foster parent for the child is one of several responsible, serious solutions to a complex problem.
I would like to see anonymous reporting of child abuse replaced with confidential reporting. I’ve seen frivolous report after frivolous report, with a heavy toll of damaged reputations, distrust and social isolation for the parents and children effected. Often staggering legal bills have been accrued as families have fought to keep together and stop the harassment. Many people have simply moved to a new community for a fresh start.
If you have sincere reason to believe child abuse is occurring, you have to report it. Reporting it confidentially, and stating a willingness to help investigators later, indicates you’re sincere and responsible.
If you just don’t understand someone or don’t like them, distance yourself. Don’t use social services to harass them.
There was a time when malicious mischief and slander were serious crimes. Now they’re protected behavior. That’s wrong.