A woman contacted Lovefraud seeking advice in dealing with an extremely disturbing situation. This woman, we’ll call her Rosalyn, suspects her sister-in-law of child abuse.
Rosalyn has been caring for the child regularly ever since she was small, and the girl is now starting school. The little girl if fine in Rosalyn’s care, but when it’s time for her go home, when Rosalyn says, “Mommy’s coming to get you,” the child starts crying and carrying on.
Several times Rosalyn has noticed that the child had bruises. “How did your hurt yourself?” she asked. The girl said she didn’t remember. Other incidents also have Rosalyn concerned about her young niece’s wellbeing.
Rosalyn sees behavior in her sister-in-law that makes her think the woman is a sociopath. It’s not a conclusion she came to lightly. “It took me about a year to figure it out,” Rosalyn said. “I’m pretty sure that’s what the problem is.”
The woman is still married to Rosalyn’s brother. But when Rosalyn tried to talk to her brother about her sister-in-law’s behavior, the result, she said, was “shoot the messenger.” Rosalyn’s brother did not want to discuss her concerns.
So, worried about her niece, Rosalyn called Lovefraud. What should she do?
Father in denial
Rosalyn told me more that makes me think that her concerns are legitimate—details that I am not including in this article. It also sounds like her brother is a caring man who is in denial or under his wife’s control.
Many of us have had to stand by helplessly as someone we cared about was being manipulated by a sociopath. And many of us were that person being manipulated, while our friends and families tried to talk sense into us. The hard reality is that, until someone involved with a sociopath is ready to see what is going on and take steps to leave, there is very little others can do. That appears to be the situation with Rosalyn’s brother.
Call the authorities?
Rosalyn asked if she should call the authorities. As heartbreaking as it is, the answer may be no.
Rosalyn is not operating a licensed daycare facility—if she was, she would be legally mandated to report any suspected child abuse. Rosalyn is simply babysitting her niece regularly.
Rosalyn does not have proof that her sister-in-law is harming the child. So if she called the authorities, it would probably backfire. First of all, the sister-in-law works in a profession that most people would find to be incongruous with child abuse. Secondly, her brother does not see, or at least admit to, a problem.
This is a married couple that is living together. If the child doesn’t “remember” how she got hurt, the mother denies any wrongdoing, and the father says there is no problem, it is unlikely that Rosalyn will be believed.
Resist the temptation to disparage
Rosalyn asked if she should “plant seeds” in her brother’s mind that there might be something wrong with his wife. Again, this is very risky. Here’s what Dr. Leedom wrote in a previous blog post, ASK DR. LEEDOM: How can I get my _____ away from the psychopathic con artist?
The sociopath will set up situations that narrow, yet intensify, the range of emotions your loved one feels. Be as much of a source of warmth and encouragement that you can. Try to resist any temptation to disparage the sociopath. The responsibility for recognizing the evil in the sociopath has to come from the person him or herself. If the person complains about his/her life, do not react emotionally, instead be a good listener and point out the feelings you see. If you become angry and say to the effect, “How dare he/she treat you this way!” You will see your loved one defend the sociopath, and make you shoulder the emotions he/she should be having about the situation. Instead, your loved one has to personally own all the negative feelings about the sociopath.
Rosalyn’s brother is still in the fog, that place of confusion created by the sociopath. Suppose Rosalyn had a “heart-to-heart” with her brother, accusing his wife of child abuse. Suppose the brother then confronted his wife. The woman would convincingly deny any wrongdoing, and then convincingly attack Rosalyn, forbidding the child to ever see Rosalyn again.
Maintain contact with the child
This would be the worst thing that could happen. At least, with Rosalyn, the little girl is safe and happy. She gets a respite from whatever may be going on at home. So the most important thing is for Rosalyn to maintain a connection with the child.
It may be best for Rosalyn to take no direct action to contact authorities, warn the brother or confront the sister-in-law. Instead, it may be best for Rosalyn to bite her tongue, keep her eyes open and make sure she can keep babysitting the little girl.
Rosalyn, should, however document everything that happens. She should keep careful records of any behavior the child exhibits that might point to a problem, photograph any unexplained injuries and videotape the child’s acting out.
By doing that, Rosalyn may accumulate evidence for when the child gets old enough to say what is happening to her, or the brother begins to come out of the fog, or the mother screws up—which she will. Then, her documentation may help free the child from an unhappy situation.
The child is not yet in school. She is in pre-school, where there is no counsellor. The people running the pre-school are friends of the mother.
Rosalyn has called the child protection authorities for information without providing any names. They told her that they could not guarantee that the child would be removed from the mother.
Here in New Jersey, and in Philadelphia, children have died while under the supervision of child protection agencies. Officials have publicly stated the agencies are broken. I don’t know where Rosalyn is, but she does not have confidence that her state’s child protection authorities will do their job.
Rosalyn may try to talk about the situation with her brother if she has evidence of something specific. Or, she may try to provide information to school officials when the child starts kindergarten in September.
This is a truly tragic situation.
Dear Donna – The child is in pre-SCHOOL. There are directors and teachers and nurses. Anyone can call CPS . All the same rules apply in preschool. There is no need for this little girl to have to be abused until kindergarten – oh my, its such a sad thing.
Children die in CPS, as well as die on the inside and lose their lives at the mercy of their abuser before they get help. Sometimes the answer to situations is not necessarily the what ifs but the what is!!!! Of course anything could happen – but whats the smartest thing to do??? FOR THE CHILD!!!! IN THE MOMENT!!!!!
Get awareness to CPS, let the mom know there is concern from public officials that her child is in danger – even if the child doesnt get removed – the mom might choose to lay off her, if only until Sept… til school. Preschools are not benign to this sort of thing – they have rules in place – people alert them all the time. Plus preschools have psychologists on board too. And there is the choice to call the pediatrician – they can help too. There are other avenues then doing nothing at all.
September wont be any different, the same officials will get involved, with the addition of a counsellor.
I feel sp incredibly for the Aunt…but you yourself said the brother is in denial and imagine if she contacts him and he shuts her down.shuts her off and then in Sept the girl has a broken arm and she wants to do something – she wont be able to! Please reconsider. brainstorm. come up with a solution that safely brings AWARENESS to the right people.
None of us can sit back in fear in the face of abuse. Put yourself in the little girls shoes in her home, everyday from now until September. Its her life, her mental health and her physical health at stake every passing moment. The Aunt has to do something more than wait. She has been patient and waiting and exercised patience and investigating long enough. Im sorry, but Im thinking of my nephew in NJ – I would call preschool anonymously and report it . report it . report it.
Donna – I didnt see the connection of the family friendship with the people running the preschool. If that is the case, she can choose to call CPS directly and give the name and address of the preschool location. She doesnt even have to talk to the owners of daycare.
Lastly, when I think of preschool – I think of my childrens who had directors, teachers and a nurse. A daycare is a different operation – but boy do they have to adhere to child abuse awareness -rules/regulations too. I vote to put an anonymous report into cps with location of preschool/daycare. It WILL BE investigated and by the grace of god the child wont fall through the cracks…but its so woth trying. Thanks
If you suspect that a child is being abused or neglected, you should call your local Child Protective Services (CPS) agency or the CPS agency in New Jersey listed below. Here is the toll free number to call in New Jersey:
New Jersey (NJ)
(800) 792-8610
(800) 835-5510 (TDD/Hearing Impaired)
If no number is listed for New Jersey, or if you get no answer call:
Childhelp® USA National Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-4-A-CHILD®
(1-800-422-4453)
TDD: 1-800-2-A-CHILD
Childhelp® USA is a non-profit agency which can provide reporting numbers, and has Hotline counselors who can provide referrals.
My children and I are finishing up lunch and heading out. But , as I sat at lunch table I looked at them, especially my 2nd grader. And I tried to imagine their little cousin being here and seeing bruises on him (I would imagine it would have to be in unusual places not the standard knee, shins and arms that often come along with active kids…but bruises in less likely place…and him crying everytime Mom came, (I would have to be experienced enough to know the difference between normal and general bouts of tears because he genuinely loves being at my house so much with his cousins because he is only child –vs. being able to determine that it was a fretful, scared crying or clinging that he didnt want to go with his Mom because he was afraid. And Donna also mentioned she was told “other incidents also have Rosalyn concerned about her young niece’s wellbeing” along with not having the childs father ever express any comments or concerns about his wifes behavior with the little girl…
If everything collectively pointed to the fact that I was concerned that my nephew was being physically abused – I would feel obligated to contact CPS. And I would do so in a way that I state/make it known that I only feel comfortable giving the childs preschool address as a means of investigating my suspicion – so that my relationship with my nephew is not severed during the investigative process – I would make sure my privacy is protected for HIS SAKE, not mine.
I have no history of physical abouse in my background. So I dont have some connective reason to make a plea for action. And yes, I would worry it might prove to be a waste of time, or that perhaps absolutely nothing would come out of it in terms of the little girl remaining with the mom…but I would know when I look at my nephew in the eyes that I did something to try to make a difference for the safety and wellbeing of an innocent child. Id trust myself that I was doing the right thing. The mature responsible thing. Especially not reacting right away, but taking the measures Roselyn did… collectively over months, things adding up, noticing behaviors and her brothers reaction to her concern… and I would hope if ever in my absence from my childrens lives…that if a family member noticed anything alarming about my children that they would have the strength and courage to report it to Child Protective Services. This is one situation, where I would rather be wrong or mistaken. Then be right and afraid to get the child help.
There is no judging here. Everyones situation is different, but as I sit here with my children I am certain that it would be my obligation and desire to contact CPS on behalf of my nephew – who absolutely cant protect himself. Thats what family and friends and teachers etc. are for – an added safety net for children.
In every recent case of a child being severly abused or killed the most common comment I have read is people asking why no one reported or did anything about it. There are NEVER any 100% guarantee’s that the officials will do the right thing. But as KH pointed out every day is another day that goes by with more abuse happening to that child. I many of the sexual abuse cases I have been involved in people have stayed silent even though they had suspicions and it was awful and NEVER turned out to be helpful. And there is a reason why mandated reporters HAVE to report it even if they only suspect abuse. If people hesitate to report because of the “ifs” then hardly anything would get reported. At least if it is reported the person knows they did the right thing and at least tried to help the child. But if child was to get seriously hurt or killed what then?
It is so HARD to make the “right” calls in some of these situations….first to “define” abuse, and there are so many things that ENDANGER a child as much or more than bruise (of which the bruise is only ONE “symptom”).
A friend of mine has an X-DIL who is a FLAMING BPD (at the very least) who keeps her first grader and 2 yr old up til midnight almost every night, fails to feed and bathe them regularly, lives with a drug addict (takes drugs herself) and gets into knock down drag out, bloody fights with her live in BF, etc. Rages constantly etc. and in general lives such a chaotic live that the kids are suffering, especially the 6 yr old who is having behavior problems in school, etc. already.
My friend loves her grandkids, and knows what a P or a BPD is and recognizes what her X-DIL is, but feels powerless to effect any real changes. The X-DIL tries to embroil my friend in her drama rama using the kids as “bait” and my friend does her best to stay out of it, but even seeing the kids requires she associate with this woman…and you know how difficult boundaries are to set with these people, and of course how vengeful they are if thwarted…so it is a fine line she walks….Call the law and report the drugs? Call the school counselor? Call CPS?
CPS doesn’t always take away kids who are beaten, so are they going to take away a sleep deprived, poorly nourished kid in dirty clothes, whose mother never cuddles him?
Too many times the abuser of young children, sexual or physical walks, and the emotional abuser amost always walks. I can only pray that there is a hot spot in hell for these people…Jesus said that anyone who “offends one of these (children) would be better off with a mill stone tied to his neck and tossed into the sea.”
I wish I had the “right” answer–I wish I had any answer, and I am not sure there is a “best” answer even…it makes me very sad. Doing what it takes to stay in the life of the child in some cases, I think, may be the only possible answer, because if you are out of the kid’s life they will have NO refuge, and I think some refuge and love is better than none.
Ox Drover,
“who keeps her first grader and 2 yr old up til midnight almost every night, fails to feed and bathe them regularly, lives with a drug addict (takes drugs herself) and gets into knock down drag out, bloody fights with her live in BF, etc. Rages constantly etc. and in general lives such a chaotic live that the kids are suffering, especially the 6 yr old who is having behavior problems in school, etc. already.”
What you’re describing is by far the most common style of child abuse I’ve seen. Legally, I guess it’s child neglect. It’s profoundly damaging psychologically, yet almost never solved by social services.
Most kids’ ticket out is a relative who accepts custody when the unstable parent has a crisis. What’s the chance of your friend’s son getting custody of his kids?
Our family knows the ex DILs game very well. We’ve got one in the family. To reach out to her son is to become embroiled in her drama. There are no easy answers. To our shame, she probably has custody because we’ve helped out so much. It took some of us 45 years to realize she was the disordered one. All I can say in our defense is that she talks a really good game.
At least your friend has her eyes wide open.
While the CPS may or may not do something the more reports they have on record the more likely they are to see a pattern and the more likely action will be taken.
Psychopaths use and count on these type of “grey” areas to be able to continue their behaviors with no one speaking out. And seeing as a person can stay in the life of the child by reporting it anonymously or by having the school or other professional report it.
As someone who was raised by an abusive psychopathic mother these kind of things strike a nerve with me. To steal a quote from Tolkien -“Advice is a dangerous gift, even from the wise to the wise, and all courses may run ill.”