A woman contacted Lovefraud seeking advice in dealing with an extremely disturbing situation. This woman, we’ll call her Rosalyn, suspects her sister-in-law of child abuse.
Rosalyn has been caring for the child regularly ever since she was small, and the girl is now starting school. The little girl if fine in Rosalyn’s care, but when it’s time for her go home, when Rosalyn says, “Mommy’s coming to get you,” the child starts crying and carrying on.
Several times Rosalyn has noticed that the child had bruises. “How did your hurt yourself?” she asked. The girl said she didn’t remember. Other incidents also have Rosalyn concerned about her young niece’s wellbeing.
Rosalyn sees behavior in her sister-in-law that makes her think the woman is a sociopath. It’s not a conclusion she came to lightly. “It took me about a year to figure it out,” Rosalyn said. “I’m pretty sure that’s what the problem is.”
The woman is still married to Rosalyn’s brother. But when Rosalyn tried to talk to her brother about her sister-in-law’s behavior, the result, she said, was “shoot the messenger.” Rosalyn’s brother did not want to discuss her concerns.
So, worried about her niece, Rosalyn called Lovefraud. What should she do?
Father in denial
Rosalyn told me more that makes me think that her concerns are legitimate—details that I am not including in this article. It also sounds like her brother is a caring man who is in denial or under his wife’s control.
Many of us have had to stand by helplessly as someone we cared about was being manipulated by a sociopath. And many of us were that person being manipulated, while our friends and families tried to talk sense into us. The hard reality is that, until someone involved with a sociopath is ready to see what is going on and take steps to leave, there is very little others can do. That appears to be the situation with Rosalyn’s brother.
Call the authorities?
Rosalyn asked if she should call the authorities. As heartbreaking as it is, the answer may be no.
Rosalyn is not operating a licensed daycare facility—if she was, she would be legally mandated to report any suspected child abuse. Rosalyn is simply babysitting her niece regularly.
Rosalyn does not have proof that her sister-in-law is harming the child. So if she called the authorities, it would probably backfire. First of all, the sister-in-law works in a profession that most people would find to be incongruous with child abuse. Secondly, her brother does not see, or at least admit to, a problem.
This is a married couple that is living together. If the child doesn’t “remember” how she got hurt, the mother denies any wrongdoing, and the father says there is no problem, it is unlikely that Rosalyn will be believed.
Resist the temptation to disparage
Rosalyn asked if she should “plant seeds” in her brother’s mind that there might be something wrong with his wife. Again, this is very risky. Here’s what Dr. Leedom wrote in a previous blog post, ASK DR. LEEDOM: How can I get my _____ away from the psychopathic con artist?
The sociopath will set up situations that narrow, yet intensify, the range of emotions your loved one feels. Be as much of a source of warmth and encouragement that you can. Try to resist any temptation to disparage the sociopath. The responsibility for recognizing the evil in the sociopath has to come from the person him or herself. If the person complains about his/her life, do not react emotionally, instead be a good listener and point out the feelings you see. If you become angry and say to the effect, “How dare he/she treat you this way!” You will see your loved one defend the sociopath, and make you shoulder the emotions he/she should be having about the situation. Instead, your loved one has to personally own all the negative feelings about the sociopath.
Rosalyn’s brother is still in the fog, that place of confusion created by the sociopath. Suppose Rosalyn had a “heart-to-heart” with her brother, accusing his wife of child abuse. Suppose the brother then confronted his wife. The woman would convincingly deny any wrongdoing, and then convincingly attack Rosalyn, forbidding the child to ever see Rosalyn again.
Maintain contact with the child
This would be the worst thing that could happen. At least, with Rosalyn, the little girl is safe and happy. She gets a respite from whatever may be going on at home. So the most important thing is for Rosalyn to maintain a connection with the child.
It may be best for Rosalyn to take no direct action to contact authorities, warn the brother or confront the sister-in-law. Instead, it may be best for Rosalyn to bite her tongue, keep her eyes open and make sure she can keep babysitting the little girl.
Rosalyn, should, however document everything that happens. She should keep careful records of any behavior the child exhibits that might point to a problem, photograph any unexplained injuries and videotape the child’s acting out.
By doing that, Rosalyn may accumulate evidence for when the child gets old enough to say what is happening to her, or the brother begins to come out of the fog, or the mother screws up—which she will. Then, her documentation may help free the child from an unhappy situation.
Dear Elizabeth,
I don’t wish anything in the way of a crisis on this “mother” but one is bound to happen, her BF and she are both disordered (Gasoline and fire relationship) so he may actually hurt her badly or worse, but the grandmother and the father will and are able to take care of the children so if and when it comes they are there. Unfortunately they live out of state from the mother and children so contact is limited at best.
The mother’s mom, who passed away last year, was the primary care taker before her death, so the kids’ situation has deteriorated. All too common a situation. All too sad.
So it is a fine line we walk when we are either aware of or suspect a child is being neglected or beaten…
And while pacing back and forth on that fine line… what to do??
Call the law and report the drugs? Call the school counselor? Call CPS?
CPS doesn’t always take away kids who are beaten, so are they going to take away a sleep deprived, poorly nourished kid in dirty clothes, whose mother never cuddles him?
Well if I was the child – I would pray every night someone found the courage to at least try to call anonymously and take a chance that the law, the counselor, or CPS will bring attention to it, possibly causing the offender to stop or hopefully cause the removal of them from my life…every nite a child is praying the grown up mature responsible adults in the world – take that chance – and walk the line for them.
Its a no-brainer for me…. none of the whats ifs… but what is… what is the thing to do that offers the best possibility of getting the child out of harms way?
Not choosing to turn away – choosing to place the anonymous call – and praying the childs prayers get answered from there..
Dear Learned,
If by placing that “anonymously” placed call will result in the child being taken out of the “baby sitter’s” care so that she now has NO respite from her mother and the mother won’t let the child see her aunt any longer, how has that helped the child? In this situation, with the father in the FOG, and it is pretty much a given if there are no SERIOUSLY broken bones and the child is not old enough or too fearful enough to tell the CPS workers what is really going on, they are NOT going to take that child away, so the mom is going to figure where the “report” came from.
I recently reported about my P-son in prison having access to a cell phone. I begged the prison adm to NOT let him know where the information came from, but I have reason to believe that A) they did tell him where the information came from and/or B) he figured it out, so I will no longer have access to any further information about his access or not to cell phones…I’m not sure I did myself any good in reporting it. I thought long and hard about reporting it, but decided I would take the chance on him figuring it out, or them telling him. Doesn’t matter now, cause the “cat” is apparently “out of the bag”—and the thing I can see is like Dr. Leedom pointed out, reporting this is not likely to do some good, (in this situation) and it IS likely to keep the aunt out of the child’s life and at least for 8 or 9 hours a day, the child has safety, nurturing and love and concern, and the aunt has the chance to DOCUMENT any injuries that leave bruises etc. I am afraid I have to agree with Dr. Leedom on this one.
Call the CPS. Start a file.
Whatever the collateral effects, this is the beginning of the one thing that can make a difference. Challenging the custody of this child by an abusive parent.
Whether it turns immediately into rescue, it is a beginning. Whether it contains the threat of separating the child from its one source of outside input (which is not true in this case), it gets this information out into the world. As I and I’m sure BloggerT and other children of abuse can attest, the great conspiracy to keep silence is what works against these children. The people who can create a list of fearful reasons of what might happen are not helping.
Yes, the CPS might not act. Or if they do act, they might not do the right thing. Or they may do a half-assed job as they often do, because they overworked and underfunded. But as it stands right now, if that child is being abused (and our information certainly leads to that conclusion), then no report equates to nothing happening.
It’s clear the husband isn’t going to do anything. There is no one to spirit the little girl away and go underground. There is no news or evidence anywhere that anyone ever questioned this. And it will just keep on.
What is being created here, if she survives, is one more lifelong victim or one more sociopath. Which means that, if LoveFraud still exists 15 or 20 years from now, we’ll probably either see her here or see one or more of her victims.
If we don’t have any other sort of global commitment here — that is, a commitment beyond our own healing — I think we have the commitment to stop this. Not in the prison systems or on a therapists couch when the “gift keeps on gifting” creates the next generation of victims, but while we can possibly do something to give this child a chance.
This is not sentimentality. This is actually what is happening here, the future is being created.
I can’t see any alternative, given the current legal situation. Call the CPS. Start a file. It is the only available option.
Apologies for my bossy tone. This upsets me.
Dear Oxy –
It is all circumspect. Who knows what will happen. Who can predict. The call to CPS can come from anyone- the Aunt IS protected – CPS is going to the DAYCARE – anyone -from other parents to teachers to any number of relatives – could have placed the call. A bruise or broken bone makes no difference to me.
When the child is in the room with CPS, they know the questions to ask, they know the signs the responses the actions/reactions if even a shadow of doubt is placed something will be done- – how do you know Oxy that little girl wont break down and cry and say the truth at 5 or 6 years old – how are so many children in CPS?? Just reporting it offers valuable, safety and protection and paves the road for more and more reports….building up at least
Again it is a fine line – one that I would have to go with the what is, not the what ifs. All of us can SUMMIZE that reporting this is not likely to do some good (in this situation) and so the answer is just to keep counting the bruises as they come in and jot them on paper, etc.
But I can summize that I have no idea how it will turn out, but the only way CPS can get involved in and potentially save a child (as they have saved many) is to receive an anonymous call from a mature responsible adult who has been witnessing suspected child abuse for what now, at least over a year, its unclear to me how long. And that at the same time as most summize nothing good will come of it – I summize and see the good that has come out of it for so many children whose Aunt, teacher, family friend made that painful difficult anonymous call. Hanging up knowing they did something – but not knowing what the outcome will be or if it anything will change…
And further, the child would get respite from another caregiver/babysitter. Thank goodness we all dont have to agree here at LF.
Kathy – I didnt read your post until just now. wish I could articulate as well as you. But nonetheless I agree with you on this and it upsets me – not all of the differing opinions – but the process in life, all of our lives of walking a fine line daily – with everything.
Yeah, I find it almost unbearable that we’re actually discussing this as though there were choices.
It’s the first time I’ve ever been really upset by something going on here. I’m going to give myself a time out, and go back to work on my work stuff.
I love you all. I respect your concerns. But this just comes too close to home. If I worked in children’s services, I’d probably burn myself to a cinder.
Oxy, Kathy, Donna, Roselyn….
There is no right or wrong…
There is only the knowlege of what is happening – a bruised fearful child. An Aunt who felt so compelled by it to reach out to LF Organization.
An opportunity to ACT ON IT – based on the system that is in place for an abused child.
CPS.
No summizing at this point. Roselyn has done the leg work, the record keeping, the sightings the reaching out.
Time to take a chance ultimately possibly giving this child a chance.
Not time to accept that 7 or 8 hours a day is enough respite to warrant a beating later on that night.
Take fear out . Take speculation out. Put reality in. CPS
lastly, if this were one of us with a sociopath physically abusing us – and a relative came here and asked us for advice. Would anyone of us say, stay on the path you are on?? or would we say do whatever you can for yourself to get out get away.
We would feel comfortable telling the blogger whose ex broke into her home and threaten to beat her – we would tell her to go back home – and just be thankful and happy for the times she gets a respite from him?? Or would we tell her go to the authorities — go to the police — its a long haul tough road but do it!
What are we doing here ?
Donna mentioned in the post that there is other circumstances that lead her to suspect the woman may be a sociopath. I think the best option for Rosalyn to do may be to report her suspicions, but to make it clear to the social service agency that they are only suspicions and she feels that she should make a report because of how serious the situation is if indeed there is abuse occuring. Although it would be difficult, I think out of respect and love for her brother she should first sit down with him and tell him how strongly she feels about this and that she wants to give him a heads up before reporting it. Even though he will be upset, this is the only way to do things since going behind his back would be a betrayal towards him I think. And it is a betrayal towards his wife if there is no abuse occuring. There are people in prison that were unjustly accused of and convicted of child abuse. Remember the 8os and 90s when there were social service workers planting ideas in children’s heads. But not reporting serious abuse could lead to horrible results for the child, needless to say.