A woman contacted Lovefraud seeking advice in dealing with an extremely disturbing situation. This woman, we’ll call her Rosalyn, suspects her sister-in-law of child abuse.
Rosalyn has been caring for the child regularly ever since she was small, and the girl is now starting school. The little girl if fine in Rosalyn’s care, but when it’s time for her go home, when Rosalyn says, “Mommy’s coming to get you,” the child starts crying and carrying on.
Several times Rosalyn has noticed that the child had bruises. “How did your hurt yourself?” she asked. The girl said she didn’t remember. Other incidents also have Rosalyn concerned about her young niece’s wellbeing.
Rosalyn sees behavior in her sister-in-law that makes her think the woman is a sociopath. It’s not a conclusion she came to lightly. “It took me about a year to figure it out,” Rosalyn said. “I’m pretty sure that’s what the problem is.”
The woman is still married to Rosalyn’s brother. But when Rosalyn tried to talk to her brother about her sister-in-law’s behavior, the result, she said, was “shoot the messenger.” Rosalyn’s brother did not want to discuss her concerns.
So, worried about her niece, Rosalyn called Lovefraud. What should she do?
Father in denial
Rosalyn told me more that makes me think that her concerns are legitimate—details that I am not including in this article. It also sounds like her brother is a caring man who is in denial or under his wife’s control.
Many of us have had to stand by helplessly as someone we cared about was being manipulated by a sociopath. And many of us were that person being manipulated, while our friends and families tried to talk sense into us. The hard reality is that, until someone involved with a sociopath is ready to see what is going on and take steps to leave, there is very little others can do. That appears to be the situation with Rosalyn’s brother.
Call the authorities?
Rosalyn asked if she should call the authorities. As heartbreaking as it is, the answer may be no.
Rosalyn is not operating a licensed daycare facility—if she was, she would be legally mandated to report any suspected child abuse. Rosalyn is simply babysitting her niece regularly.
Rosalyn does not have proof that her sister-in-law is harming the child. So if she called the authorities, it would probably backfire. First of all, the sister-in-law works in a profession that most people would find to be incongruous with child abuse. Secondly, her brother does not see, or at least admit to, a problem.
This is a married couple that is living together. If the child doesn’t “remember” how she got hurt, the mother denies any wrongdoing, and the father says there is no problem, it is unlikely that Rosalyn will be believed.
Resist the temptation to disparage
Rosalyn asked if she should “plant seeds” in her brother’s mind that there might be something wrong with his wife. Again, this is very risky. Here’s what Dr. Leedom wrote in a previous blog post, ASK DR. LEEDOM: How can I get my _____ away from the psychopathic con artist?
The sociopath will set up situations that narrow, yet intensify, the range of emotions your loved one feels. Be as much of a source of warmth and encouragement that you can. Try to resist any temptation to disparage the sociopath. The responsibility for recognizing the evil in the sociopath has to come from the person him or herself. If the person complains about his/her life, do not react emotionally, instead be a good listener and point out the feelings you see. If you become angry and say to the effect, “How dare he/she treat you this way!” You will see your loved one defend the sociopath, and make you shoulder the emotions he/she should be having about the situation. Instead, your loved one has to personally own all the negative feelings about the sociopath.
Rosalyn’s brother is still in the fog, that place of confusion created by the sociopath. Suppose Rosalyn had a “heart-to-heart” with her brother, accusing his wife of child abuse. Suppose the brother then confronted his wife. The woman would convincingly deny any wrongdoing, and then convincingly attack Rosalyn, forbidding the child to ever see Rosalyn again.
Maintain contact with the child
This would be the worst thing that could happen. At least, with Rosalyn, the little girl is safe and happy. She gets a respite from whatever may be going on at home. So the most important thing is for Rosalyn to maintain a connection with the child.
It may be best for Rosalyn to take no direct action to contact authorities, warn the brother or confront the sister-in-law. Instead, it may be best for Rosalyn to bite her tongue, keep her eyes open and make sure she can keep babysitting the little girl.
Rosalyn, should, however document everything that happens. She should keep careful records of any behavior the child exhibits that might point to a problem, photograph any unexplained injuries and videotape the child’s acting out.
By doing that, Rosalyn may accumulate evidence for when the child gets old enough to say what is happening to her, or the brother begins to come out of the fog, or the mother screws up—which she will. Then, her documentation may help free the child from an unhappy situation.
I just got this today from the “Darkness to Light” group (www.darkness2light.com). I thought it might be of interest some of the people who posted on this topic
A Big Step Forward for Child Sexual Abuse Prevention!
THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT RECOGNIZES CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE TRAINING!
The federal government (Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention) just put out a stimulus grant solicitation to develop, improve and expand local mentoring programs. One of the criteria that will be used to “grade” applications is whether the program will include evidence-based sexual abuse training for volunteers and staff.
This is a first! It represents a BIG step forward for the child sexual abuse prevention movement.
If you are involved with or know anyone in a local mentoring program, please let them know that the Darkness to Light Stewards of Children training is evidence-based and will meet the requirements of the grant – and, most of all, it will help them protect the children they serve!
Donna Anderson:
My brother & I have always been very close. I have always been able to “read” him. Last week, an opportunity presented itself and I took advantage of it. I did something that you and Dr. Leedom warned me would be VERY RISKY.
I did it anyway, because what my sister-in-law is doing to my niece is more than I can stomach. I called you one day almost hysterical about some of my deepest concerns.
Anyway, let’s just say I presented some info. to my brother in a very neutral, factual, & non-confrontational way. I think it may have worked. I think he is starting to come out of the fog!!
It has only been a week. I think he is still processing much of what he has learned. But there are changes in his behavior that are very encouraging to me!
My biggest fear was that he would take away my niece from me when I presented the facts, but he never did. I am still babysitting. PRAISE GOD!
What do I do now? Just wait? Do I initiate a conversation with him? How do I proceed?
Encouraged,
“Rosalyn”
P.S. You and Dr. Leedom are right. If you are going to try something like this, you better have a damn close relationship with the person you are trying to persuade. Otherwise, the whole thing will blow up in your face, making everything 100 times worse. Timing is EVERYTHING!
Rosalyn:
That’s terrific! This whole situation is so upsetting, for you and all of us at Lovefraud.
I would say to proceed cautiously. Continue to be supportive of him. If his wife senses that she is losing her grip, she will turn up the pressure on him and the child. He will need you to counteract the negative information the wife gives him. Perhaps if another opportunity arises, take it cautiously. The main thing is to maintain your communication with him and your niece.
Best wishes. We all hope that your brother extricates himself and the child.
Donna:
I understand. When I presented the info. to my brother, I told him to just continue with his life as he normally would.
I gotta tell you. This psycho. mommy is especially dangerous, because she is sadistic. She gets sick pleasure out of inflicting fear and pain on others, EVEN AN INNOCENT CHILD!
I believe she is capable of killing, which is why I am as concerned for my brother as I am my niece. She has already eluded to the possibility of my brother having a stroke or heart attack. My brother is only in his early 40’s!!
What she is doing here is criminal. She belongs in a straight-jacket, in a padded room, where the men in white coats come in every 2 hours and check on her.
Rosalyn:
“If you are going to try something like this, you better have a damn close relationship with the person you are trying to persuade.”
Thanks. I needed to be reminded to that. Tomorrow I am having lunch with a guy who lives around the corner from me, whom I met through S. I know he’s got his suspicions about S since I’m pretty sure S clipped him for 10 grand after I refused to pony up. I also know that I’m probably going to be asked about what happened between S and I.
I needed to be reminded that this is not a conversation I should be having with this person. I’m just going to go with a stock, cut-off phrase like “These things happen for the best” or some such nonsense.
Rosalyn – Thank you for the update. So glad to hear about your progress. Hope it continues for you both!
Matt – VERY VERY SMART !! Although you have a mutual person in common (unfortunately the S!!!!) the lunch should still be geared toward the here and now and just generally getting to know one another.
I must admit my instinct was to chime in when you first mentioned the guy (associated with the S) and getting together with him…I thought it might lead to setbacks and conversations/information that wouldnt be beneficial to you as the goal is to move forward and not go back to the past.
Im so glad to have just read your above post. I think it will make all the difference and empower you to be able to say, “Toxic person for me, just glad its behind me now” or Ive simplified my life in such a way now that I just prefer not to discuss S at all.
Im glad you will be in total control of that conversation if/when it comes up. Id make it as short and sweet as possible and get on with enjoying the lunch and new conversation.
Hope your Dr.s appt. went well! Good luck!
Matt:
Be VERY CAREFUL tomorrow!
In fact, how do you know that this guy and S are not working together? Maybe S sent this guy to have lunch with you to see what you would say about him?
Is that a possibility? Do NOT assume anything.
Be careful, Matt.
Matt:
If you met this guy through S, let HIM do the talking at lunch tomorrow.
YOU do the LISTENING! All you need to provide is pleasant conversation.
If anybody is going to spill their guts about S, let it be HIM, not you.
Speaking from someone who was that child long ago, I agree with many things said by Kathleen Hawk and Elizabeth Conley, but ultimately I have to agree with OxDrover.
I can only speak from my own situation, and I don’t want to project, but I think proceeding from an abundance of caution here is prudent. In my own experience, my grandmother’s calm and steady presence in my life when I was young was what saved me – both mind and body but especially mind. Even though my grandmother never tried to actively interfere, my mother still managed to reduce and finally largely eliminate her influence and connection with me, and that was a very great loss in my life when I became a teenager. The greatest threats to my mental and “social” safety came when my grandmother’s influence was removed – abuse that has had profound impacts on me to this very day 40 years later. Dr. Steve’s blog about attempted “personality annhilation” is exactly correct. I have no doubt that, had my grandmother’s influence been removed at an earlier age, my physical safety (as in potential death – I was already being physically abused in ways that don’t leave scars) would have been in severe jeopardy. A light but constant touch (meaning not doing anything to get you on the radar and not showing any hostility towards the mother, but just being there for the child) provides a great deal more safety for the child than you would imagine, at least in my experience.
If the mother in this post was anything like my own, any whiff of trouble – no matter how small – will practically guarantee that the child will be punished and terrorized in retaliation (but far enough away from the instigating incident to make cause/effect difficult to detect), and will also guarantee that the aunt is subtly but entirely removed from the child’s life and is no longer able to provide any counterinfluence. And this strong, steady, loving counterinfluence is, in my opinion, worth a thousand “interventions” that will never be able to identify, nor intervene in, the real problem.
The ongoing presence of someone who loves you and is willing to teach you right from wrong is worth more than anything else in this world, and its potential loss is not something to be risked lightly.
Rosalyn, your niece is very very lucky to have an aunt like you. Your brother is lucky too. I wish you and your family the best of luck with this.
Annie:
I am just really scared right now because I am sort of at a turning point. I do not get to see my niece during the summer months like I do during the winter, because “mommy dearest” is off during the summer months.
My niece will start kindergarten in the fall, and she will be in school all day every day. So I won’t be seeing her as much, but her mother will not be with her, either. So, I guess that is one good thing.
Should I alert the school to this abusive situation in the fall? I am struggling with that right now. I don’t want to do anything to enrage my brother’s wife.
I have no idea what my brother is planning to do.
If he decides he wants out of the marraige and he wants custody of his daughter, he will probably get it. He’s pretty powerful when he wants to be.
I am just praying right now.