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When sociopaths lie about you

It’s bad enough that sociopaths lie to hook you. Anything they tell you about themselves may be false their age, education, credentials, family details, income, criminal record, job and work history.

And of course, sociopaths typically lie about their relationship history and status. They claim to be single when they are married; they claim to be childless when they have many offspring even with multiple partners.

Sociopaths lie it’s the key characteristic of the disorder. When you fall for the lies, you feel like a chump. But what often turns out to be even more devastating is the lies they tell about you.

The smear campaign

Sociopaths typically engage in a “smear campaign” about their targets. These are outright lies that they tell about you to your family, friends, neighbors, co-workers and others in your social circle.

The sociopath’s objective with the smear campaign is to compromise your social support system, and therefore increase his or her control over you. For this reason, the sociopath may start lying about you long before you suspect any problems in your relationship.

For example, a sociopath may have a conversation like the following with your friend, Jane:

Sociopath: “You know, I found out about six months into our relationship that Mary was cheating on me. She was secretly seeing a guy from work.”

Jane: “I never knew about that!”

Sociopath: “Well, I imagine that she didn’t want to tell you, because you might have said something to me. I know I can trust you.”

Jane: “Of course you can!”

Sociopath: “I really love Mary, so I’ve forgiven her.”

You, of course, never cheated on the sociopath the entire story is complete fabrication. But look at what happens because of what the sociopath said:

  • Jane thinks you cheated on your partner, which lowers her opinion of you.
  • Jane believes you are keeping secrets from her, so you aren’t much of a friend.
  • The sociopath pretends to be wronged, which elicits sympathy from Jane.
  • The sociopath enlists Jane as a potential informer.
  • For taking you back after you supposedly cheated, the sociopath claims the moral high ground.

All of these dynamics may be very useful to the sociopath down the road, when you split up and find that your family and friends are supporting him rather than you.

The top lie

I’ve heard from many, many people that sociopaths have accused them of being crazy, psycho, unbalanced, needing therapy or needing medication. So I think the most prevalent lies sociopaths tell about you are statements undermining your mental stability.

What’s really dangerous about these statements is the manner in which they are said. Instead of ranting about you, often sociopaths seem to be expressing concern.

A sociopath will quietly say to your friends and family, “You know, I’m really worried about Mary. She really seems to be losing it. But she just won’t go see a therapist.”

They come across as so believable.

You, of course, may be legitimately suffering from anxiety or depression because of emotional and psychological abuse by the sociopath. And due to the sociopath’s gaslighting, you may even be questioning your own sanity.

Still, by questioning your mental ability to your family and friends, the sociopath weakens your standing and makes them less likely to support your decisions. The sociopath, in the meantime, is seen as a concerned partner, someone who is looking out for your well-being, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Picking your battles

Sometimes the sociopath’s smear campaign has been going on for so long, and has been so well-orchestrated, that you may find your entire family, social group or community aligned against you. I’ve heard from many people who realize that everyone in their church believes the sociopath’s lies and not them.

This is terribly distressing. Your reputation is shredded, and you did nothing wrong. So how do you fight this? What do you do?

Unfortunately, sociopaths are such accomplished liars that some people will believe their stories no matter how much you protest. So here’s what I suggest:

Figure out which people are really important to you and need to know the truth. Do your best to tell them your side of the story. Show them proof if you have it.

For everyone else, you develop a stock response, perhaps a shrug and, “He likes to tell stories.”

You may find that you will need to walk away from some people, remove them from your life. So be it.

When to fight

There is one situation in which you must do your best to fight the lies: When you have a court case involving a sociopath.

Sociopaths have absolutely no qualms about lying in court testimony or court documents. When the sociopaths lie about you in court, you MUST object.

Court proceedings are all about establishing a “record.” Because everything said during a court proceeding is supposed to be the truth, sociopaths are assumed to be telling the truth, no matter what they say. So when their statements are lies, you must counter them.

If you fail to dispute the sociopaths’ lies, they become part of the court record. This can turn into a real problem later on.

Another time to fight is when you are accused of a crime that you did not do. You may be advised to plead guilty, especially if you can’t afford a lawyer. This is generally a bad idea. A guilty plea means a criminal record, and a criminal record will cause you big problems later in life.

3 questions to help you respond

Here’s the bottom line: Sociopaths lie about everything, so they are likely to lie about you. No one wants to be characterized falsely. But realize that you can choose how, or even if, you will respond to the lies.

Here are three questions to help you decide what to do:

  1. Does this particular lie damage my life?
  2. Does this person need to know the truth?
  3. Will responding to the lie keep me engaged with the sociopath?

In situations where you can move on without combating the lie, that might be the best approach. Reserve your energy for taking action on the matters that are vital to your life.

 

Posted in: Donna Andersen

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74 Comments on "When sociopaths lie about you"

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Everything they do seems to be a set up. In my case, the spath smeared me to cover his own violent behavior in advance.

We took a weekend trip with my brother and his wife. He took my brother aside and told him that I was very abusive and if anything happened to me it would be my fault. Less than a month later he beat me so badly I required medical attention. Most of my family either outright blamed me for it, suggesting that I had somehow pushed him over the edge into violence.

I found out later he had made similar comments to every single member of my family he came across, and it pretty much worked just the way he planned it.

About a month after I filed for divorce, my best friend for 25 years stopped all contact with me. I was devastated and even today, 20 months later it hurts to talk about it. My other friends and immediate family are baffled by this as she and I had been like sisters through the years.

It was the holidays, my life was filled with anguish, fear, lawyers and trying to recover from a severe hand injury caused by my Spath. I was at an all time low. My repeated messages went unreturned. It was as she just vanished.

Reading this makes me wonder if my Spath got to her? Did he fill her head with lies? What could have happened to make this person that I loved so much just walk out of my life and leave me during my greatest time of need?

This makes the most sense out if what I have not been able to make sense of.

fsufan58
I am the same! Totally baffled why my dearest, closest, best friend even since we were 13 suddenly cut me out of her life, and won’t explain. Just went NC with me. To know what was said or done for her to do that would go a long way to explain how my ex husband was able to isolate me from any and all emotional support. HE is the only common denominator with all these lost friends. For those friends that have never met my ex, we are still friends! But EVERYONE who knew him, have dropped me and are buddy buddy with him. My best friend, the one who really knew me… the discard from her has been (if possible) even more painful than the discard from my ex.

Can anyone put some light on this kind of experience???

To NotWhatHeSaidOfMe: i so agree with your last statement…..losing her was more devastating than ending my relationship with him.

He did not take my other friends but we were only together about 8 years total.

I just don’t understand how you can walk out on your best friend and provide no closure……

All I can say from experience is that sociopaths will spend the rest of their lives getting “back at you” for leaving, discovering them, whatever. Perhaps your ex knew how important this “friend” was to you but perhaps if that’s all your relationship meant to her, you’re better off without her. My sociopathic children have all abandoned me (disabled and 76 yrs. old) but when my middle son found out the joy I received from the company of my 5 year old grand daughter,(whom I called my little “Sunshine”) he forbade her seeing me! Such is their evil!

flicka,
I will always feel amazed at the backwards thinking of sociopaths. They don’t have a problem with thieves, addicts, pedophiles. At least My family members don’t. But they have a problem with people who love, who empathize, who cherish, people who are emotionally mature and nurturing….in my ex husband’s family, these are the characteristics of “difficult” people.

Your son did not keep his daughter from you because you were evil or unethical or immoral; he severed your companionship because you were approving and loving and enjoying your grandchild… and as such your behavior had to be stopped because emotional attachment is not allowed.

I was trying to recall when the last instance when my child was authentic and sincere and decent to me. I think she was 20, and thereafter, she has been increasingly contemptuous of me, treating me as an obligation and an obstacle. The deeper she has gone into her fraud lifestyle, the more vicious she had behaved towards me, until her final discard, where she laid out all the ways she set up to cut me off from her. She had written to me only once the prior six months. Then her timing for her NC, which was two days before Christmas. Timed for the greatest emotional pain possible.

I do see how this was evil of her but my heart hurts that she would behave in such a way because she’s fallen into “the dark side”. I wanted so much more for her, wanted joy and love for her. She won’t find love in such darkness.

One thing that I know about friends that my spath and I had in common:

-The ones who were more loyal to her were immediately put on the NC list. These were the ones who were feeding her information on my status and whereabouts. They fell out of contact with me as soon as my divorce was on the table for the most part.

-Those who tried (or attempted to) remain friends with the both of us after the split eventually fell off the map for some reason or another.

-Those who were more loyal to me proved to be lifesavers. They are the reason I maintained my sanity when I thought I was imagining all of what had happened in my head.

I believe that friends who fall out of contact with you due to a split do not deserve your friendship anyway. I can imagine it is still painful to lose such a person whom you’ve grown fond of. When I think of it, most real friends will have at least asked their questions before turning their backs on you forever.

I have only a few very good friends from my previous life who listened to my story and believed what I was telling them. When I left, I moved pretty far away, so it took effort to stay in touch. It was so worth the effort for me. At first, these friends kept in contact as well as I did. But after a few months, one of them completely stopped all communications.

I’ve sent emails, called her cell phone, called her home phone, her business phone (she’s an independent business owner). Always get voice mail and never calls back. She was a solid, strong, loving friend for 20 years and now she won’t talk to me. I have no idea why.

But I do know what my spath Ex is like. I can easily believe that he paid her a visit to “explain” to her how horrible it was living with me. And how she really didn’t know me. He’s smooth as silk, handsome, lies like a rug, and everyone thinks he’s “such a great guy.”

I’d bet my divorce settlement that he got to her, even though I’d told her so many of the horrible things he’d done to me. Sometimes people are just taken in by these monsters. It was very painful losing her friendship, but I have to agree, that after everything that I’ve been through and knowing what she knew, if she believed him I’m better off without her.

I absolutely agree with you in that everything they do is a pre meditated set up. In my case, my spath crept in like a slow insidious disease; he was good a flying under the radar. He always had an amazing, believable excuse as to why he didn’t do this or that. In the beginning, it was incredible. He wanted to spend every waking moment with me even if it meant time he wouldn’t be spending with his children or time he would be taking off of work. 5 months later, I was basically taking everything inside myself to get that man back I had at the beginning of our relationship. He gave me the silent treatment and later proclaimed ” he was trying to get me to break up with him.” The next few years were filled with ups and downs and periods were he was super loving and times were he returned to his old behavior.

Nothing could have prepared me for what he had in store for me 2 months ago. After months of telling me he loved me, wanted to move in, and I was “it” for him, he called me up and broke up with me out of nowhere. He had just told me he loved me and was so happy 2 hours ago! I was dumbfounded. Ever since then, he was been a monster. I guess that’s who he was all along. He strung me along for years and he knew the whole time I meant nothing.

Naturally, he already had someone else in the pipe line, probably before he dumped me. Heaven forbid he ever be alone. He cheated on me during our relationship often I later found out. He now claims that he is love with this woman who he’s been with for less than 2 months and wants to marry her. Making matters worse, we have a young child together.

Currently, he is telling everyone that I’m psycho and that I never meant anything to him and he tried to break up with me and I wouldn’t let him. I don’t want him around my child but the chances of me getting no visitation are slim to none, he puts on a great act. He later told me he never wanted out child but he has to be responsible for her. He uses her as a bargaining tool with his mother because he lives with her rent free and she pays all the bills. He also has her convinced I’m a manipulative woman and I’m just trying to keep the child from him and her.

This situation is pure hell. I’ve got so much going for me right now and I can’t enjoy it because of all the anxiety I have over this. People think I’m crazy because of him. He created such a vortex of shit in my life and I feel so ashamed. I really don’t even know this person. He acts completely different now that he has a new girlfriend. He tells her I never meant anything and the past few years were him just trying to be there for his daughter.

Yes I agree with onmyown that many of these excuses are pre-meditated. Almost as if the spath has already played out the scenario in their head. I found out that my spath had spread horrific lies about me to most of her work-mates in order to explain her own actions (cheating and lying). I have since found out that most of these lies are discovered when others see your actions in person (i.e. you are accused of being abusive yet you are the one wearing the bruises etc.). Most people it seems, do not want to be a part of the drama if at all possible. There are others however who just can’t get enough of it. It is these type of people that my spath seemed to draw to her as she spread her lies. My opinion is unless it involves court, Do not chase down and correct their lies, it only makes you appear that much more unstable and gives the spath that much more credibility.

He lied about absolutely everything from day one….I sat on our first marriage counselors couch the very first time (she had us each sit with her alone for about 10 mins) She asked me what our marriages issues were, I told her “he had a affair for two years, he manipulates everyone and will even manipulate her (which she said would not happen but it did), he has no remorse or shame for his actions, and he lies about everything…the lying part is my biggest issue…it’s a pet peeve when someone lies…I don’t understand why he (or someone) lies why not just doesn’t tell the truth”…

her response was “O’boy we’re going to have a problem”, back then I was such a zombie stepford robot wife that I could not get the words out of my mouth to ask her what she meant by that statement…I wanted to call her on the phone after we left to ask her but could not find the mindset.

I am not sure what she meant…did my ex h tell her lies to manipulate her (of course) is this why she stated “Oboy we’re going to have a problem”….or did she know that I was married to a sociopath which she never revealed to me or something else?

In divorce court and in court papers my ex lied about everything….I could not keep up with all of his lies it was actually eye opening that nothing he ever said in the marriage was truthful…literally I could not refute his lie after lie after lie in court…it was like him starting fires over and over and once you put one out he started 10 more eventually you have to just give up otherwise it pushes you over the edge, of course that is what they want.

His first smear campaign right from day two of meeting him was to gain pity play from me was against his own father who had loaned him a large sum of money for a down payment for his first home (to date he has never paid on penny back to his father) at the time I met his father, his father had cut all contact with his son & to date has never regained trust for his son, of course my ex twisted that he was the one that cut ties, he was the own who was owed money, he was the one that was wronged by his own father….

the only time during my married I saw his father was to go over to his home to tell him about our engagement, the tension was so thick between them you could have cut it with a knife of course I felt bad for my bf that his father was not such a good guy because of all the lies my ex told me about him and the other time was our wedding day…his father even fired his own son because he was manipulated the company and using the company credit card to go on endless vacations which he called “business trips” but of course no business ever came from one trip but my ex twisted the story to blame his father. I found this all out after I left him.

Of course his ex was “crazy”…his high school girlfriend “followed him down to college”….this was a lie, he begged her to go to the same college and once there he cheated on her then discarded her for a new target victim. His own college buddies felt so bad for her that they set her up with one of their frat brothers (this coming from the college friend). The high school gf had an emotional breakdown because of my ex lies, manipulation, gas lighting abuse.

He was fired from every job during our marriage, but he was so masterful at pity play (even though I was angry at him for losing another job) and would twist my mind so I though he was a victim which of course he was not all his bosses and co workers were and he was rightfully fired. he was fired from two jobs for lying, one for lying on an employment application about his credentials and for not working at sales jobs.

At one job he started his two year affair with a married co worker who had children. The office co workers reported their feelings on this subject to HR who called both of them in to see if their affair was factual or not…of course my ex was able to twist the HR personnel minds around that they actually fired the office manager, a co worker and demoted another co-worker for reporting “lies” to HR… My ex was promoted to the top management job (so sick to think about his manipulation) and the women he was having an affair with received a promotion to her top level too because my ex now was in the top management position promoted her…..

eventually the truth prevailed and ex was caught in his affair with the co worker the one he had denied three times to HR meetings. To this day I wish the co workers that were fired/demoted would have sued the company because they not only deserved their jobs back but they deserved back pay as well. My ex was fired and so was the victim who had the affair with him. Her husband divorced her right after finding out about their affair once she was fired. The female coworker had a emotional breakdown.

Everyone that has come into contact with my ex is broken down emotionally, losses jobs, friends/family, livelihood etc…he is masterful and no one ever connects the dots because of his smear campaign against others they never talk to each other to find out the truth that he is a pathological liar and a master manipulator.

What I have learned is if someone tells you something about someone else that is degrading or makes you wonder how truthful it is contact that person they are smearing to get their side of the story and also cut the person out of your life who is doing the smear campaign asap as they are bad news and will only bring chaos into your life!

Jan;

I can totally relate to everything (almost) you have described in your post. I find myself to be an individual who also has an extreme allergic reaction to liars and “artist”. I just don’t see much of a point in lying when you literally have to continuously re-enforce your lies on a daily basis. This prevents you from truly being yourself and free. With that being said, The “Spaths” we have met do not feel the same. Everything is a lie. It wasn’t until I divorced m ex that I realized that I had lived with a woman for 12 years and I had no idea who she really was. She lied about everything, to include her family, friends, places she had been and things she had done. When we divorced, she dropped her mask she had been wearing our entire marriage and I saw her for the monster she really was. She tried giving away items in our house that I had bought as gifts to her friends. She kept my children from me, told lies about me. I was overwhelmed at the almost endless amount of energy and devotion she had put towards destroying everything I loved. Only after reading many of the replies I had received on Love fraud and elsewhere did I feel like I was starting to get somewhere. You see, I have a weapon that she can not possibly own because it goes against every little sociopathic bone in her body…the TRUTH. The truth will eventually shine through. When people see that you are not the “evil” person you were described to them by your spath, you win. When you prove your case to the court and/or discredit anything the spath has to say in court, you win. When your own children stand up against their sociopathic parent and fight back, you win. All it takes is for you to believe in yourself, stay away from the spath, and do not worry about the lies being told by your spath. Chances are, the people your spath talks to (family and friends) may already know that there is something seriously wrong with them. All you need to do is continue to heal. It sounds that you are already on that path. I let go of worrying of what others think and it has made my life that much better. Good Luck and God bless!

Pricer

I feel your pain. I felt like I was married to two different people. One was the good guy, the other was the biggest liar …another Casey Anthony. I did find myself lying a few times or just omitting things because he was so insanely crazy. For example if he asked who I had lunch with, I would often say no one even if it were a female employee (I own my own company) because if I told the truth I would get ripped a new one for not having lunch with him. Just stupid stuff but I found myself constantly feeling like he was using entrapment to pick a fight. Towards the end, I just told the truth at any cost and took the verbal abuse and sometimes physical. Then I got out.

Oh, man, I can SO relate to what you’ve said about starting to lie to your spath Ex. The same thing happened to me. He was so controlling that I never had time to myself. He always had to know where I was, how long I’d be gone, if I was going to spend any money, how much I was planning to spend. If I took too long, he’d call me to find out why I wasn’t home yet.

I started lying just to be able to get what I needed. I had to lie when I first started therapy. He didn’t want me to go. If I did, the paperwork would be submitted to HR where he worked and he was afraid that the HR staff “would think that he had a Looney for a wife.” Can you imagine a supposedly loving spouse ever saying something like that directly to their “loved one”?

That was my first baby step out. I went anyway. I completed the insurance forms myself (I’d never done it before). And I signed them even though I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to. I found out that I was only when the first one went through.

It was beginning to help, but after about 6 months I was feeling GUILTY about lying to HIM. So I stopped going. That’s how strong the control was. Wow.

My heart goes out to you, Jan7. I hope you are finding some peace and healing.
This site would have helped enormously with the isolation, loneliness and fear I have experienced dealing with “paths” in my life. I had no awareness of my vulnerabilities to psychopaths or sociopaths and had only encountered them at corporate jobs, not in the world of romance. I married a charming “savior” who was, actually, a manipulative, lying, impulsive, erratic and destructive man with money and high-powered connections to toss about at his discretion. Struggling to understand how and why I was taken in, it’s taken years to speak about it. Yet, it isn’t all that hard to grasp why and how it happened: this was familiar behavior; I was in a new place where I knew nobody, working for not very nice people; I wanted love and protection from a world that had sucked me dry of the old chutzpah that swatted at posers and loathed liars and walked from emperors with no clothes. (The wearing down has something to do with the likes of Enron, WorldCom, nuclear polluters and bigoted men.) To think, when I thought I had finally found a soft landing, a peaceful, less worry-filled life, a decent life in a beautiful place, I was, in truth, entering into a psychotic nightmare. I kept holding on. Unbelievably. I would think of the good times, and could not make sense of the crazies; my family didn’t understand. My father believed I was a “bad wife.” (That is a haunt belonging to an entirely other website. It was not until later in my doomed marriage that my stepmother informed me that the “path” (it pains me to identify him as my husband) was sending lengthy and multitudes of emails to my father complaining about me, such as my failure to please my husband sexually. Ah, just what a woman wants her father to read about, her sex life.)
I was embarrassed to have brought this problem into our lives. I called the erratic behavior “going off the rails.” One Thursday afternoon while I was at work, he called my cell to insist I join him on a road trip, a day vacation. I said I couldn’t, and he became threatening and nasty. I spent a lot of energy and time trying to manage these attacks. I got better at predicting incoming and recognizing triggers, but not very good at it.
Still, despite the attacks, I would point out his lies and inconsistencies, as is my way (this, a downside to authenticity with no filter); that aggravated him all the more.
Of the many traits about “paths” that I read about on this site, the one that has brought me up fast is the quickness for tears. I mistook it for feelings. When the pre-nup backfired, because I said I couldn’t sign it and feel good about the marriage or his children given the terms in it, he blamed everyone else, especially the probate judge who’d written it, for telling him to do it. He was sobbing, in a public place. He was, by his accounting, kind and giving and caretaking; he used his ‘faith’ (a popular cult) to belittle my spirituality. He used his money to buy gifts when he’d been un-nice, such as the ceramic lamp he gave me when he filed for divorce, the first time. (If a divorce that’s filed just to get a wife to do what you want her to do merits a ceramic lamp, how bad does the behavior get to merit something nicer than pottery?)
It was the trampling of boundaries, along with the lies and manipulation, that flattened me. And the lies? Why lie about small, insignificant things? Why manipulate daily life? The lies came fast and furious and to address each one, impossible. It was as if he lived in a parallel reality of his own creation.
I was a mouse to his cat, batting me about until I literally could barely function. I had no sense of me, and the one core strength I could count on in life … the ability to get up and get on … no matter the odds … was gone.
This man behaved like a dry drunk, one minute effusively supportive, the next in a rage. He bought a book on BPD and made notes about me in the margins, and left it in our office desk for me to find. I was going crazy and lashed out twice, physically, along the way, which is out of character, mortifying, and after which, both times, he became calm. Now, I realize that he had achieved what he wanted — me, unhinged and weak. Later, in more counseling, he used my outbursts to “demonstrate” how I was crazy, and he, a put upon victim. (The marriage counselors were useless. They couldn’t, or didn’t, simply say “run, you fool, before it’s too late!” And by the time of the outbursts, I’d say I was unhinged. Limp. I started to take anti-anxiety meds — prescribed by his MD who refused to talk about the marriage stress with me and wanted me sent to another state for analysis. These meds are dangerous, I now know. I’ve since found a holistic doctor and am healing without the drugs.)
This man could never commit to a plan, and so, you could count on nothing. (He has two emotionally damaged, grown children. When we met, and onward, he described them as beautiful (talented, gifted) and was unable, incapable, of acknowledging their profound problems (severe alcoholism, autism, depression) Sometimes he was grateful (tearful) for my help with them; other times, he’d turn on me in a rage, accusing me of being emotionally disturbed because I wanted boundaries drawn for the daughter who was calling at 3am, 6am and all day long.)
His former wife had died two years prior to our meeting; one “friend” of his, someone I respected, commented to me far too late into the drama this man perpetually created, “I would have checked out, too, if I were [the wife].” I am amazed that people didn’t tell me anything about him. It took time to realize that I had entered a world where he had created a social circle and a community where he could perpetuate an image, intimidate or flatter people into giving him his way, or with the service trades, keep them on the payroll.
He trotted out select people to meet me during the engagement. Looking back, I he likely told them what to say. One past girlfriend was threatened into not speaking with me. Only one person during our engagement indicated that there was a problem with his perfection (his term). “He’s crazy, you know,” said the jeweler. Oh, we all laughed, me thinking “fun, crazy” not “wacko, crazy.” Everyone else, it took me a long time to recognize, who might have seen him for who he was, had something to gain or lose by playing into his game, or feared him and kept a distance. (When we met the marriage counselor who didn’t tell me to run like the fool I was, told him his demeanor was threatening and if she were on a street with him and not in the safety of her own office, she’d get away from him as quickly as possible. Another woman would have left him on the spot. Or sooner. Not me!)
He filed divorce three times in four years, the first time after a near-fatal car crash and concussion, after which he became even more erratic. During the final year in communication with this man just the mention of his name set my whole body shaking. I could barely address the paper requirements of a divorce. (It’s called a nervous breakdown.) You’d think that someone who’d filed divorce three times would want nothing to do with me. Yet, he would text me that he’d found something I’d left behind, or he’d email something about his travels overseas. And still, I didn’t get it. It was just bait, like cheese. I blocked his email. He’d create a new one. I’d block that one. The airwaves have been silent for almost two years now. At least I can write about it here, or think about him and that horrible period of my life, without shaking. Let’s call that progress.
I may be flawed, but not crazy, or borderline. I am a wee bit wiser, poorer and still a bit freaked out by it all.

4yoH,

Isn’t it amazing that people don’t step forward to warn us? My Spaths family all sat back and watched him snare me into his web of hell knowing he was a convicted felon with a terrible history of bad relationships, failed businesses, poor credit. And no one said a word. I hold them all responsible for this man’s attempt and ruining me….and my greatest pleasure is knowing that he DID NOT succeed!

fsufan58
The family of my ex were complicit in his fraud. I am family values oriented, enjoying family dinners, celebrations, events. I was invited to family gatherings in a town that his family settled almost 200 years ago. I later discovered these events were not normal, it was done during the time we dated and then never again. I also discovered that his family had a history of befriending single people with no family, and voila, they were the beneficiaries of their estates.

The image was wonderful, a dream, what I wanted for my child and myself. The reality has destroyed all my desires for my child to live an emotionally healthy, honorable, satisfying life of reciprocal love and joyful experiences.

What an amazing story 4YoH….Strength!

Omg… This one I could go on forever about… The sociopath has made up so many BS lies about me, intentionally to ruin my reputation. I moved here and my child and her children went to the same school. At the time my child was in kindergarten. She had one in 2nd grade and one in 5th. This woman did so many horrific things to my child who was 5 YEARS OLD!! She would randomly go up to the school and talk with the women who worked in the office about me. Saying some of the most humiliating, shameful, disgusting things about me. For example she said I moved there from ohio, and in ohio, I was arrested for prostitution and sleeping with minor boys.. I HAVE NEVER EVEN BEEN TO OHIO! Ever! She would go into my child’s class on days that parents could come up to school. Like field day, and she told my child’s teacher and any parent in my child’s classroom at the time, that I was her and her husbands maid (she said maid because she thinks it’s the lowest form of work besides prostituting) and when I was the maid I started having an affair with her husband. And as soon as she found out. She moved out, and he moved me and my child in. ALL LIES!! When I let my husband (her ex husband) she was already married to the man she was cheating for 5 years with. My husband was single. I wasn’t her maid or a prostitute and I never slept with little boys! I lived in a different state, that’s about an hour and 1/2 from where my husband lives. I met him when I was in town on business. Not that I need to explain myself.
But the point is, I married her ex husband. She was already married. But she didn’t want him to move on or be happy. She was afraid I might be liked in the community and she wanted to make sure that before people got a chance to know me, that they would hate me. She wasn’t very successful at this, because her reputation in the community was so bad, she was known for pathological lying and scamming people, and using people. Most everyone knew that she was having affairs with different men, when she was married to my now husband, her now ex husband.

Even though I knew people didn’t believe her. Because every single person she told, would tell me, to let me know that this crazy lady was saying damaging things about me. It stressed me out. It made me feel weird about things. I couldn’t enjoy going to my daughters school to see her in plays because I was afraid of what people thought. AND THIS WAS JUST THE THINGS SHE SAID ABOUT ME TO PEOPLE AT SCHOOL. Lord only knows what she says about me to people she runs into at the grocery store.

I finally had to move my daughter from the school because we both were so upset and hated going to the school. My daughter was acting out. She could feel my stress and fear. The sociopath was still spreading rumors about me, saying I was stalking her, I was obsessed with her, I was insecure and I hated her because I was scared she would steal my husband cuz he still loved her.. Blah blah blah… I moved my child to a private school and just stop looking at social media and ignored her.

Now that my child is at a new school. This year will be her 3rd year there. Things have been great. She no longer acts out. She is a different person and so am I. It’s been amazing. Up until a few weeks ago, she told my husband she wanted to put her child all the sudden in the same school that my daughter attends. Omg! I told my husband there is no way that can happen. I can’t go thru the crap I went thru at the other school. I love my daughters school. And this woman hates me (she has no reason to, but she does) and I know for a fact that she would do the same lying and rumor spreading. It would be a nightmare. My husband agreed. That we Cannot go thru that nightmare ever again. There is plenty of private school that her child can attend. Why does she want to put him in my daughters? When my husband told her that the school wasn’t an option. She tried to make him and me feel guilty about it. Acting like we don’t want the child there. WHEN IT HAS NOTHING TO do with THE CHILD. It has to do with his mother. Spreading lies and rumors about me. It’s been so hard all the lies I have said about me by this one person.
The weirdest thing is. Everything she says about me I think she is actually doing. Like she said I was stalking her, and jealous of her, and unstable. But she seems to know every detail about me, and is constantly lying about me, and she has shown she is not all there many times. It’s so crazy. And exhausting to deal with this person. Who doesn’t care how her behavior has hurt my child and her children. I have had to detach from my step children because of her hatefulness towards me. And that breaks my heart. But if I do anything for them – then I am over stepping my boundaries. If I step back – then I am evil and mean and a horrible person. 🙁

Thank you for this important article snd warning Donna. In my case decades of lies behind my back culminated in my 47 year old son telling me that all my 5 children would have me “committed”. In an unbelievable panic and realising I had no one else to turn to, I called my attorney. To my relief, he just laughed and told me they had no idea what time and money that would involve and that in my case, it was ridiculous to boot. He advised I send them all a note telling them that I was going NC with all of them, advice I had previousely been given by many “experts.”
All of this was based on the fact that in 1989 I had suffered a seizure, which upon further medical tests was deemed to have been a CYST (not a brain tumor) caused by a heretofore unknown stroke in utero! However, in 2008, in searching for a possible cause for my failing eyesight, an MRI was ordered and the doctor-reader reported to my doctor-son (who drove me) and myself that my cyst had diminished in size and had no possible effect on my visual or mental capacity. I still have this signed MRI report in my medical files and knowing this, my children have temporarily given up on this charge. But without this finding by experts, my children, including a pediatrician son, would have me committed. Surely, this doctor-son knows the difference between a cyst and a tumor!
Sociopaths will go to the ends of the earth to “prove” their victims are “crazy!” Lance Armstrong even lied under oath several times to Congress; as his ex-wife always told him, “the truth will set you free.”

Just an aside because your post mentions Lance Armstrong. Does anyone remember when he got divorced? He and his mom trashed talked her on Oprah. I remember thinking at the time HOW they trashed her was odd. Now we know why. Lance couldn’t keep the wife in the dark so he discarded her. Then Lance and his mom smeared her to discredit her. Typical.

I thank you – and all who posted comments – for this piece. I don’t have anything to add, but to say it is flabbergasting and frightening to recognize just the sheer numbers of these men (and women) that are out, harming others. M. Scott Peck, known for his wonderful upbeat books (The Road Less Traveled)believed that these “creatures” should have a special designation in the DSM – most especially for the harm they cause society as their numbers increase.

It is so important to have a place to talk. Thank you, Donna. I saw on LinkdIn that it has been four years for this site of yours in existence. Thank you.

This article is wonderful and decisive. It provides exactly the kind of validation and information that victims need.

Anyone who falls prey to a psychopath can post the identity of the offender at http:\\www.CADalert.blogspot.com. It is totally anonymous. Adding to the growing database will help protect potential victims.

Joyce

Your comment,”Sociopaths have absolutely no qualms about lying in court testimony or court documents”, is absolutely true!

After a long drawn out legal process it is disheartening when the authorities that make the decisions believe the lies and the falsified documents presented by sociopaths.
Even though I challenged and clearly refuted the evidence presented, I am still angry/confused/disappointed that now there is an official court record in favor of the sociopath!
Obviously, the eyes of some of the law makers are closed and I may say blind to reality!

During the love bombing, he called my eyes — which happen to be very large and blue — the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen.

After he lost interest in me, I became a “bug-eyed freak.”

He told people that I stalked him, that I showed up at his house uninvited and wouldn’t leave until he threatened to call the police. NEVER HAPPENED.

He was a radio personality, and I came to a station-sponsored event he was hosting. It didn’t go well. But he announced ON THE AIR the next day that I showed up not wearing underwear. I realize some women do like to go commando, but I am not one of them. And even if I were, I certainly wouldn’t have skipped the underwear that night — I was wearing a skirt of very thin, sheer fabric.

I admit that I came on quite strong after he lost interest in me; I basically love-bombed him back, desperately trying to find the magic key that would bring back the man who was so into me. The man I started out wanting to be friends with, but who insisted he had to have more, and had me ready to ditch the best relationship I’ve ever had, believing that maybe I picked wrong all those years ago and he could be The One.

I lost almost two years of my life searching for that magic key. Once I snapped out of the worst of the obsession, I spent another two years trying to understand how those feelings he had once upon a time could just vaporize. Finally, it hit me. THEY NEVER EXISTED. He lied. He lied to me, and he lied about me.

Fortunately, the people who matter most in my life never heard his lies (because I was afraid to tell them this guy was in my life, fearing I’d lose their respect). But, I learned later, if they had, they wouldn’t have believed him. My heart goes out to those of you whose loved ones did believe your sociopath’s stories. They are so good at painting us, their victims, as “the crazy one.”

When I read these stories, I cant help but to feel sick because it seems that all of the stories are all the same. Even down to the smallest detail. My spath told me that my positive attitude and my “go get em” mentality were huge in the attractiveness department. When I finally divorced her, I was a no good bum who should have died in Iraq and I was doomed to never to make it and become nothing, just like my parents. These people are sick, the sickest I have ever seen and at certain points I wish I could just grab my kids and get them the heck away from her.

I am angry at the bad counselors I had who called me ‘crazy’…and kept up with that kind of emotional abuse. I was flabbergasted when I repeated back to a social worker/counselor what she had said at my last session and then she denied it!
Then she started arriving late for our scheduled time…not just a few times but A LOT. She had the gall to charge me for a missed meeting (okay, it was in the original agreement that you paid full price for not showing up, but she had never put it into practice until I did not show up…)…which angered me more. Why me? Suddenly the ‘practice’ became the ‘real deal’.
I hate her now. And she said to be ‘nice’ to my narcissist husband and declared that she ‘knew him better than I did!!’ (someone she never met!)
All of my counselors, not just some, but ALL have been piss poor at jobs. When they show up late, lie about something they said, get angry at you and make statements about you being the ‘bad’ one in the marriage…and on and on…cut your ties with them.
It is bad enough that we have only 40 minutes to talk to a professional, but it is horrendous when they are dishonest and/or downright rude (and irrational).

Thank you for heads up on what to expect in court. After 37 years of marriage, I finally let go. Although no one believes that my husband is a sociopath, I lived it. My soon to be ex has charmed everyone for so long, even a few of my family members believe him. I do expect to hear lies as he is one who can look you straight in the eyes and lie. I will not allow him to intimidate me and will object.
We are schedule for court in a few weeks. Any other suggestions are welcome.
I dislike the slander and wish others could see through him. I can’t change what others think about me and its too bad for them that they did not take the opportunity to know me or speak to me after the petition to divorce. I know for a fact had they taken the time, they would know the truth. It’s about choice on their part and I have made the decision to walk away and move on.

Survivor14,

When I was going through my case, I bought an extra copy of Love Fraud and insisted my lawyers read it. I told them I was willing to pay their billable rate for the time it took to read the book and as my counselors they should do so. At least I felt that if my lawyers understood in advance what they were dealing with, they could better represent me. I was right.

It didn’t take them or the judge long to figure out he was a manipulator and liar. Other than that just be prepared to have as much evidence as you can have. Good luck!

Survivor14, I just want you to know that you are an incredibly strong person to survive 37 years with a sociopath and you are incredibly brave to “finally let go”….really incredibly strong & brave!!

I equate my marriage to my ex hell on earth….and divorcing him, the bottom of hell. The amount of lying a sociopath does in court is astounding but it is also eye opening to see exactly how they operate especially while we were under their mind control and brain fog but now know the truth behind all their manipulation, pathological lying and abuse.

I would highly recommend that you read Tina Swiftens book Divorcing a narcissist, her site is Onemomsbattle.com and she has a great facebook page One moms battle. The facebook page is a great support site to ask questions about court issues, vent, learn about dealing with the court. One moms battle deals with child custody issues in court as well as divorce issues…still ask questions on the site even if you have no children at home…it really is an excellent site for court resources.

I would also recommend that you go to your big box Book store and look at the “divorce financial books” to deal with your financial future, no lawyer will protect your financial future so it is up to you to educate yourself on this site then tell your lawyer what you want to request (in some cases you will have to demand your lawyer to put certain things in the court paper to protect your financial future). For instants you are entitled to part of your husbands future social security check if you dont remarry I would not but this in the court papers just take note that you can go to the ss office and get part of his check.

One of the books that I bough was “Divorce & Money” by NOLO it’s excellent.

I would also recommend that you get a court mental evaluation on your husband asap (one moms battle facebook can provide info on how to do this). I would also recommend that you have each and every court appears under sworn testimony meaning you and your ex are sworn in…this way you can catch him in lies under the court testimony.

Last….make your financial wish list add things to this list that would be bounce if you got them but uses them as negotiation tactics = things that you will let go of to get all the other things you really want. Start NEGOTIATION from day one with your soon to be ex though your lawyer. The lawyers will drag on your divorce to put more money in their pocket & your soon to be ex will drag the divorce on to break you down further and to get everything he wants = for you to have nothing. So right from the start Negotiate but have a good solid plan of what you want prior to you starting to Negotiate. Put stipulations in the finally divorce agreement that if your ex does not say pay alimony at the due date then he will have to sell say a home within 30 days and the money is to go into a escrow account for future payments. something to that effect because sociopaths are usually don’t do what the court states or what is in their divorce agreement then you have to keep taking them back to court costing you lawyer fees and also so they can still control you..this is what sociopaths love for us to run around attempting to get what we have been award.

If you don’t/or do have a facebook page open a new fake email account then with that fake email account open a fake facebook acct so that you can talk freely on One moms battle without your ex/his family/friends seeing what you are talking about…it will give you peace of mind. Another good facebook site support is After narcissistic abuse.

Wishing you all the best for your bright new future!! Take care.

Good idea as I don’t think most people in the legal professions (attorneys,judges, clerks, magistrates etc.) truly understand what psychosis is and the total devastation that it causes. It will be very difficult for you emotionally, after 37 years of “craziness”, to remain objective enough to know what’s worth fighting for and when you might be better off just walking away. I wish you lots of strength in this ordeal and please let us all know how it turns out… our huge community of fellow victims are all with you in heart and soul.

How can legal professionals see thru the mental illness. It took me years, with my marriage, and I work in the health profession. It amazing how we live with it as the acceptable norm. I dealt with many lies. But could not prove it. Thought I was crazy. Its like humans are tools of manipulation. One has to build their empire of social, financial, family security before swiftly pulling the rug from under the spath. To fight a spath one must think like a spath.(That was my own little philosophy). But, I have concern for those who have been pillaged of everything and dont have that ability…..

So very. very true…unfortunately!

I do not believe that people are just downright ignorant of Spaths in general. I think that most of the problem is that these systems( the law, court, etc) are just too busy to care or lack the time to deal with the Spath and the issues centered around one. If we take an outsider look at the big picture, it’s drama that no one wants to be associated with. Regardless of what it’s doing (or done to you), unless there is a law that has been broken, no one has the time. I was actually told this by an attorney who passed this on to me for informative purposes, not for me to thrown in the towel.

To re-enforce what heart wrote, I have found it’s almost impossible to financially and mentally stay ahead of my ex-spath, who it seems spends little to no energy or money making my life miserable. Since my divorce, I have developed a “hit and run” course of action in dealing with my ex spath. I only go after her (in court) if the offense she has committed has had a severe impact on my children or I. I don’t say a word to her at all about my actions. The only way she learns of my intent is through a court summons. Once this happens, I can expect to receive her wrath via text, email and/or phone call (she is however very careful not to incriminate herself on text or email) and through lack of communication with my children, etc. This harassment typically ends well after our court date and/or she finds some other focus for her attention (months). It has been only 2 and a half years since my divorce and I have been to court with her 3 times already and I foresee going to court again in the future.

Now, recovery would be a little easier with the help of family or friends. This however is harder than it seems because many spath’s isolate their victims to the point they no longer have family or friendly support. In the end, many victims (like myself) find themselves broke, alone, depressed and possibly suicidal because of the trauma that they faced with their spath and the lack of support after their encounter. In my case, I found that getting professional help to thwart the depression (including family or friends) and then using my precious financial resources only when necessary to combat my ex-spath worked for me. I might go back to zero every time I go to court with her but I win back a piece of my freedom as well. Case in point, I just had the best summer of my entire life with my children, of which none of that would have been possible had I not educated myself to the reality of the situation ( the viewpoint of the courts especially) and chosen my fights carefully. I win!

Pricer,
This is a VERY good post. In my response, I use “You” and “Your” to refer to Any victim of a sociopath.

Pricer makes excellent points that I agree with.

1) Live with reality, not with what we wish was real.

A sociopath is a disordered person that can somewhat be predicted in that they will not chose to live based on logic or what’s best, they have a hidden agenda, that includes the reality that whatever their hidden agenda, the intent of it is to harm. We can not “win” by engaging in a battle of logic because their “WIN” is not based on logic. To get to the headspace where we live in reality, we most likely need a lot of help from a therapist. This site helped me to realize what my ex was, my therapist helped me with my personal experience with my ex.

2) Pick your battles based on YOUR criteria, not based on trying to “put a sociopath in their place”.

Pricer has defined excellent criteria: that he goes to battle when she has transgressed in a way that has a severe impact on you or your children.

3) Don’t warn or tell a sociopath what you are going to do. JUST DO IT.

The sociopath IS an adversary. They live their lives as adversaries against YOU, they never cared for you, in spite of the fact that you don’t deserve it. “Not Deserving” doesn’t matter, and won’t stop them. AGAIN, they have a hidden agenda. They defined you as their adversary from the get go, from the first moment they met you. So do not goad them, or manipulate to get them to do something your way (shouldn’t do this anyway, it’s very immature.) Instead, be focused and have a plan towards your goal.

4) Courts are NOT going to do what is morally right. They are going to (hopefully) follow the law (didn’t happen in my case because my ex’s family control the law system in that county).

Just felt the need to share my response Pricer. YES YES YES. An EXCELLENT post. Thank you for sharing.

To all:
I appreciate all your comments and suggestions. Walking in a fog has hindered my ability to learn more and be prepared for what is yet to come. My attorney knows my claim that my soon to be ex is a sociopath and I have provided him emails of his rant and raging emails. I’m going to ask him how he plans on handling my spouse in court. I also want to know how he has handled cases with these type of individuals in past.
This site has given me a wealth of knowledge. Good to know that I am not alone and that through time I will heal. I’ll keep you posted.

Sociopath is not a mental illness. Mental illness suggests there is help for it. A sociopath in therapy will just learn how to manipulate better. He will turn your therapist against you. You are no match against a sociopath in court, your only defense is to see it coming early on. See that he can never do wrong.

He cooked and his hair got in the food, you don’t eat it and he gets pissed off and says it’s your hair and that he doesn’t waste food. Just a small example of Never Being Wrong. It gets bigger from there.

He turns EVERYTHING around on you. Even the littlest thing. He expected me to sit in the hot truck while he pussed around, I opened the door to get fresh air (couldn’t roll down the window cause window is electronic) He began yelling Shut the Door!!! A car is coming! So I’m supposed to shut my door, and have no fresh air. When I had asked him to roll down the windows he said he would open his door instead. Then the open doors became his issue.

Then the guy acted like a bull in a china shop. He was all elbows and bumping, and stumbling around. It was embarrassing cause we were colliding like Keystone Cops, but he was hurting me. He was accidentally beating the shit out of me. I noticed he was careful around other people. So he knows better!

He had no respect for me. He was getting angrier and angrier around me.

He had so many stories going that I’m not sure if he couldn’t keep his stories straight. Or was it that he thought he is so good that I won’t be able to keep his stories straight. This all happened in two months.

He had so many excuses of why he couldn’t pitch in for gas. I’ve already posted most of the reasons but I forgot one. He said he is insurance poor. He said he has all these vehicles insured. Cars, trucks, snowmobiles. He also said he has a souped up ice shanty for ice fishing at his dad’s house. He told my roofer that he owns five houses (oh was I embarrassed when my roofer told me this!) Yet, the guy needed to use my car and gas. His truck was always having problems. He would always cuss and say it’s the bad gas. Then at the end of our ‘relationship’ he announced that in winter he turns into a hermit. All he does is go to work and then go home. And, he stared me straight in the eye. I barely glanced at him and I turned my attention back to the TV. He really got frustrated and said He Can’t Read Me.

What is there to say? He just set me up for blowing me off this winter, guess he has another woman in mind to take snowmobiling. While he uses my car and gas so he can put funds to the side to entertain her this winter.

There were just so many signs. If he didn’t want me to know what he was up to he would mumble and not quite look at me. When he really wanted something, he would speak clearly and look me directly in the eye. At one point he said I have selective hearing. Yeah, he turned it around on me again. When he wanted to be clear, he was loud and clear.

Again this was all in two months.

When he called me on July 5 (day of fireworks) to tell me that tree fell on his wood splitter, he actually sounded happy. I think he thought his lie was so good that he was yeah! this is good! He wanted me to stay on phone with him while he waited for his buddy to come rescue. I told him no. He quickly (and happily said he will make it up to me the next weekend) I said I really wanted to see the fireworks that night. He still sounded happy as he told me that he will see what he can do. Of course I never heard back from him that night.

Then the following Wednesday he called four times. I didn’t answer. His last call message was What You Aren’t Talking to Me anymore? Give me a call and let me know. I never called him. Yet, I’ve been feeling used and abused and stupid since.

It was only two months. Yet, it seemed to take another 5 years of my life. I think that every piece these guys take, it takes a bigger chunk out of my soul every time.

Jeannie;

Something I learned is that it get’s easier to spot people like this over time. I have dated a few people since my split and one thing I have noticed is that the moment (and I do mean THE MOMENT) I feel that something is possibly wrong, that I’m being lied to or manipulated I immediately shut down and systematically begin removing the individual from my life. When I do so, I let the person know the reason I decided that we should not see each other any more and refuse to listen to any excuses. Now, I do not look for reasons to get rid of people. I do not begin a relationship and then wait until they show up late for a date and then break it off. I look forward to a healthy relationship. However, if the “red flags” show up, I do as they say in the military “pop smoke” and “break contact”.

Deja-vu…this is all familiar.

Please don’t get involved with a sociopath. They literally destroy everything with their lies. My dad is a sociopath. Growing up, I listened to lies about how my mother was a tramp and other stories. Of course, I knew they were lies and ignored them. I knew my mother, plus she and I were always together when these supposed liaisons took place.

Mom died almost twenty years ago. Then I discovered dad had started telling lies about me. I thought I was immune. Never thought he’d make up lies and destroy the reputation of his own daughter. I was wrong. And that’s why I say don’t get involved with a sociopath. You see, at some point you’ll probably divorce or break-up with them. You’ll see his/her true self and move on. But if you have kids–well–there’s no escape for us. And the pain is breath-taking.

for no child wants to realize that their parent doesn’t love them. That they’ve been living a lie all of their lives. And that’s where I am now.

For me there is no divorce. No escape.

Lizzy, I must say I can understand your plight with your father and I am truly sorry that this has happened to you. I really didn’t understand all of the damage that had occurred to me growing up as a child especially from my mother whom I trusted to keep us safe but she didn’t. I grew up not really trusting women all together and then I get married and she just happens to be a spath. It took a long time for me to get over it all and I am still healing. I have children with my ex and that terrifies me, but seeing cases such as yours gives me hope that they will grow up and learn the truth, just like we did. My mother passed away when I was 32 and five years have passed since then. In a conversation I had with her, just two weeks before she died, she still failed to realize the impact of the abuse in our home growing up and actually replied at one point that “it wasn’t that bad, I did the best I could.” This non-nonchalant attitude towards the pain and suffering we experienced growing up made me really question the possibility of my mother being a spath as well. I’m not sure as I was young when most of the abuse transpired and I left the house as soon as I was 18. What I do know was that this woman went to her grave not really regretting any part she had on my sibling’s and I abusive childhood. I pray that things turn out better for you.

Please keep in mind that your mom may indeed have done the very best she knew. Remember, until fairly recently, there was no access to, or much knowledge concerning mental illness and secondly, a woman was pretty much stuck in a marriage as female job opportunities were very meager! It’s easier to blame others rather than work on oneself. But I hear you and commiserate fully. Seek your OWN happiness.

i’m in court with my ex for 6 years over child support and equalization payments. He is making tons of money but has used his family’s names to put all his assets under. He has gone on disability and is showing he has no money.

He has created a fraudulent divorce, stole all my money over $600K, left me homeless with 4 kids and I had no job with a debt of $200K that he created.

Should I walk away and let him keep seeing the kids and not be worried about child support?
I have spent almost 100K in legal fees. He has paid some child support to cover some of the legal bills. I am in court now….should I stick it to the end even though I might just have a very expensive judgement but might never see to collect the money?

SHAHIN, this sounds like my ex. Here’s what happened. When I brought him to court for child support, he became very angry. He then filed for emergency sole custody. He was an excellent liar and well skilled at cheating me out of everything at our divorce – just like your ex – and just as skilled at convincing the court that I was an unfit mother, and won full custody of our kids (I had been the custodial parent of our kids for over 3 years at that point!). Is your ex abusive as well as a liar and a cheat? Please consider this, as you might well lose your kids altogether. My ex nearly destroyed our son during our marriage, and began sexually abusing our 8 year old daughter, which I was unaware of, when I sued him for child support. My kids and I have been through hell, and we are all injured because of these abuses.

In the event your ex retaliates with a sole custody suit (to avoid paying you/or for whatever reason), you should note that men win sole custody lawsuits, 70% of the time, when they file for same. If there are any abuse allegations involved in the case, they win custody 85% of the time. Women getting custody the majority of the time, is a MYTH!

You would need to go through family court for the child support. The family courts are broken. Do some research before you attempt anything. If you need help, let me know, and I will point you in the right direction. There’s a lot of information out there on this subject.

I am now disabled from this living hell. My daughter has been suicidal for two years and self-mutilates. My son has problems too.

survivormom

I decided to work 3 minimum paying jobs just to avoid the expense and fruitlessness of the courts (knowing I had no money and would likely lose in our unjust court system anyway!) My personal advice?… save yourself and hopefully, the children. Forget about justice…it is rare in our courts.

flicka,
I agree. There’s no such thing as justice in our court system. The courts are a profit center, a way for the government to earn money.

I made this mistake with mine when she filed the protection order last jan. I could have fought it on my own without paying a lawyer, however the one i spoke with the night before told me even with all the stuff i had as evidence that he thinks at most i only had a 50-50 shot and that if i lost the judge would max the order out at 5 years and i would have a very hard time with a custody/visitation hearing. Stupid me i just caved in and made an agreement with her lawyer for 2 years provided i can call to speak to the kids and im allowed to see them. This junk is now on my record and is the 2nd one she has filed in 10 years that i didnt fight which now makes me look like an abusive man. All my friends/family who seen the marks on me from the night she attacked me told me to take pics and i never did, i hate involving police especially over something small like that as she didnt actually hurt me, just a bruise and some scratches, wasnt a big deal to me. Then i never heard the end of it from everyone when i told them i struck a deal, its not like i was facing time for losing, i really wish i would have fought it now.

I’m so sorry, but not surprised, to hear what Dave has been going through but my advice, based on 30 years experience, is for you to try and save yourself by walking completely away while you can. It’s not easy leaving one’s children but perhaps when they’re grown, your children will seek you out and justice may be met after all. The more one fights a psychotic, the more they will damage you and ultimately win. Retaliation is their ultimate goal but this fact is so alien to most of our society and our money-hungry judicial system, that to fight it is virtually hopeless. She will just continue to drain you financially and emotionally until you are virtually dead. My sincerest wish is for you to save yourself and start anew!

The biggest smear campaigner was my own mother. Believe it. No one would ever guess at such a thing but she totally succeeded, and to this day…at this ripe old age of 63, I am not welcome anywhere. ANYWHERE.

Would this not make my mother a sociopath? She WAS diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder…

My mother is a classic Narcissistic on the STRONG side of the scale. All my life she did whatever she could to hurt me…..unless she wanted me to do her dirty work for her. Would you believe how stupid I am? I go and marry a Narcissistic Psychopath…..he was soooooo believable!!! They LIE…..and they are GOOD at it.

My grandfather use to say…..if a person is capable of lying……they are capable of murder. My husband and mother tried murdering my spirit. I think they have succeeded

So sorry for your pain DonnaZ. Agree with you totally. Physical murder would be merciful in comparison because it would be so much less painful than the long drawn out torture.

Donna Z…your desire to pass on some of your hard-earned knowledge demonstrates to me that your spirit is not dead!

My situation was a little different….after almost a year together my boyfriend suddenly started accusing me of lying about everything. Nothing I said was the truth anymore. He started accusing me of things I wasn’t doing. No matter what I did or said it was wrong and I was wrong for it. He told everyone that I was on drugs. Alienated me from my friends and family. I lost my job. He went as far as going on Facebook and telling everyone that I was a junkie and that I was choosing drugs over him and our family when I tried to leave….I kept going back bc I loved him and I thought that things would change but they never did. I started to question myself to the point that I changed almost everything about myself thinking that he would change if he saw that I was willing to do whatever to make us work. That didn’t work either. Everyone including my friends and family believed the lies bc I had shut myself out from everyone…I still live him but that is no way to live and no way to be loved…..

Dear Doll, I am telling you this not only as a concerned person but also someone who is now linked to a sociopath for life. Every thing changes when you become a parent and I wouldn’t wish what I am dealing with on my worst enemy. I feel for you and I have been in your shoes but I am telling you now GET OUT! By the time I realized just ho toxic my ex was, I was already pregnant. The LAST thing you ever want to do is have to deal with a sociopath in court. If you know how good they are at lying to you, imagine how that looks in front of a judge. You will very quickly become the enemy all while they harass you enough to make your life miserable but not enough to get in trouble criminally. They will play the victim and you are the crazy one. I am begging you, GET OUT NOW!

Dear Candiscarter, I also plead with you to free yourself of your sociopath. Not only for your own health and future happiness but also that of your unborn child. You have NO idea of the future unhappiness and devastation you will suffer as a result of your erroneous thinking (“tied to him for life”!) The immediate suffering you will feel is NOTHING compared to a lifetime of agony, loneliness and despair as a result of your misjudgment. PLEASE.

flicka, My child is now 13 months old and a happy, beautiful baby girl. I ended ALL contact with the sociopath while I was pregnant. A month after having my baby, I was served with court papers. Texas is much like other states in that the court system believes that 2 parents are better than 1. We actually were supposed to have court for the 5th time today. I am now forced to deal with him on a weekly basis because of court orders. Due to his addiction to alcohol, I have fought to have his visitation take place in my home with me supervising. I cannot leave my child alone with him. He does not have control over me anymore and this makes him very angry BUT he can control certain things when it comes to my daughter. I would take a bullet for my child so if he wants to try his tactics, it’s fine as long as I know she is safe. The best advise I can give to anyone dealing with this is DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Record every phone call, try to communicate only through text or email (I use oufamilywizard.com), take pictures (I use an app called “DateStamp”), set up cameras, etc. The only reason I have been somewhat successful with the judicial system is because of my documentation. The one thing they cannot stand is to be proven to be a liar especially in a court room. They can only lie for so long before they can’t get out of it anymore. My documentation also gained me the ability to have him take a breath alcohol test before, during or after visitation. Same thing, he, like many other sociopaths have an addiction, and it was only a matter of time before he couldn’t fool that machine. Through research and a lot of documentation, I have learned how to protect myself from this toxic person while giving myself the power to protect my child. My battle is far from over but the one thing I can say about this Texas woman is, I am touch and I will fight to the death so my child will never have to experience his corrupt behaviors. I really could coach other parents dealing with the same issues.

So happy to hear you’re on top of it! Yes, helping others is very welcome and cathartic.

Dear Doll, As a 77 year old disabled and completely abandoned woman, I feel your pain while, at the same time, I want to shake you and tell you to get out and come to your senses. I wasted 50 years making excuses for the 6 sociopaths in my family (first a husband and then our 5 grown children)and trying ever harder to make sense and meaning to it all. But there is NO sense to be made for their cruelty; one has to come to that reality oneself and get away as fast as you can. Not doing so will only prolong your agony and deplete your soul until there is nothing left. Go NC, gradually getting a job and your life and former self back a.s.a.p. Telling your story is good only if it helps heal you instead of wallowing in self pity; I wasted an entire talented and educated lifetime away; don’t let that happen to you. I wish you heartfelt wishes in your recovery; you will once again find happiness if you do.

I was with a sociopath for a year ”“ he’s still up to his game and I’ve managed NC for almost 5 months. I jumped into a relationship with another man soon after, which isn’t typical of me. We knew each other from the past. I’ve recently discovered my new love is spath #2. We’ve been together for almost a year. His true self hit me like a brick wall a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t disclose many things with my counselor about #2, unaware that I was going through the same thing, although we did recognize some red flags at the beginning. She is supporting me tremendously.

#2 was a vulture and preyed on me when I was weak and was still in the grieving healing process. I’m still in the healing process with #1 so words cannot even describe my feelings about #2, disgust aside. NC is easier this time around although I’ve failed a bit and am being forgiving to myself for that. I haven’t told him I know about him. I’m using “grey rock” as much as possible. I believe he’s worse than #1 in different ways. #2 is very subtle compared to overt #1.

Here’s the kicker”my best friend of 15yrs is now defending him and lying to me about them being in contact. She has always been my constant…supportive and loving no matter what my situation was in the past. I told her that I would like for her to not be friends with him anymore. She struggled with that. Now she is defensive and not hearing my truth. I’ve become crazy in her eyes. She just believes this was an “Unhealthy relationship” and that we should agree to disagree. Oh that’s right, a man who intentionally lied to me, lied about everything, controlled me, love-bombed me, gaslighted me, etc. And she can’t see it! Not only that but now she’s lying to me!! Things haven’t felt right about her treatment toward me, she’s become a friend that I’ve never known.

When I broke NC last, #2 he said something that implied they had been talking about me. I ended up catching her in lying about talking to him (long story) but didn’t point it out to her. I know he’s using my experience with spath #1 against me (how convenient). I know she’s being manipulated. My heart hurts so much that I feel like it’s going to swallow me whole and suffocate me.

I’m trying to stay positive but I have no idea to what extent their relationship is. I want to yell at him and call her out. I am so hurt. I know calling them out will only make things worse and I’m trying so hard to be strong. What got me through #1 was my support system. Now I feel so alone without my constant, my best friend.

Thistoo-

I had a similar situation in which my best friend turned out not to be such a great friend.

Knowing what I know now, and there is too much water under that bridge for me to ever care a hoot about her, here’s what I wish I’d said to her at the time…..

I’m the victim of emotional abuse. And it’s a form of abuse that undermined my self determination over my sexual autonomy. In other words, I was raped by fraud.

So if you’d like to invalidate the defilement I feel at being raped by that CAD, you are not someone who I am safe to have in my life. I need to heel from his abuse, and I need people around me that I can trust. If you are not one of them, so be it.

I am a friend in need of friendship. And if you can’t be a supportive friend for me, you are simply adding to my pain and I will no longer put myself in harms way by communicating with you.

She may get it, she may not, but you won’t continue subjecting yourself to the pain of invalidation by someone you trusted. You’ve already suffered betrayal from that CAD. You don’t need to tolerate more harm from someone who should be your support system.

CADS are really good at fooling people. They not only fooled us, but they also fooled our friends and loved ones. But dissuading a person about the character of another is difficult to do. Either they get it or they don’t. And if they don’t, the only way it will change is if they begin to experience similar issues with the offender.

Sociopaths don’t just destroy our loving bond with them, but they destroy the relationships we have with others around us. I know it’s hard to do so, but put yourself into situations where you can begin meeting others with similar interests and values who you can develop as friends.

I know how painful this is, and my heart truly goes out to you.

Best-
Joyce

Joyce and Donna,

Thank you so much for your wisdom and kind words! Turns out, I have my best friend back!!! Thanks to my ex trying to play crazy with us and failing. Turns out our friendship was stronger, Thank God. My heart hurts a little less now, although I’m struggling so much. I thought having prior experience with this would help. I’m actually experiencing a harder time with this loss. I thought so highly of him. I can’t believe he preyed on me the way he did.

I failed at NC the other night and to prove himself, he sent me a conversation that was had between them. In the conversation she stated that I feel strongly she didn’t have any more contact with him even if she didn’t understand why I wanted that, all the while he begged for her to contact him and was dramatic and manipulative… I ended up calling her, while on the floor crying so hard I could barely speak. I explained the situation, his crazy making, told her about the message he sent, about the lies….She thought it was strange he sent me their correspondance and was willing to hear me out, She is now on my side 100%.

When I first told her about him I was scared she wouldn’t believe me, especially because of what I experienced with #1. She and #2 had become close, he had wooed her. I was still in numb stage when I first approached her and acting very positive about it all. She read that wrong, questioned me and got defensive. The whole numb/acting normal thing isn’t like me after a relationship, so now I understand her take on it.

Her contact with him was her trying to be nice. That’s how she is and I love her for it. She says it’s something she’s working on. She apologized and I believe it is sincere.

I feel like the Universe was on my side!!! I hope it continues to be by my side. I know he’s not done and am expecting more to come…fingers crossed goodness prevails!

ThisToo-

So glad you were able to mend that fence!

All the best!
Joyce

Hi Joyce,

I was wrong. Turns out I don’t have my best friend back. They’ve been communicating.

I want to thank you for the advice you gave me when I firs suspected the worst. I told my bf that I needed people who I could trust and feel safe with and that if she doesn’t believe me then so be it.

This is extremely painful. The pain and loss has become so normal to me these days that I’ve come to a place of acceptance. Sadness, disparity, anxiety, anger, etc.

Has this become my norm?

jenna23,

I feel like my days are endless. Wouldn’t it be nice to just be healed now?! I’m so over feeling this way… I’m sorry this is your day, too. 🙁

You can snap out of it by thinking of all you DO have rather than what you don’t have. No one can do it for you unfortunately….I know. But at least you have shelter, 2 hands, feet AND time; so don’t wallow too long in self pity; it only serves your sociopath (who doesn’t give a hoot!)

flicka,

I know, right? That’s what gets to me the most…he loves that I’m feeling this way! I do have so much and am trying to focus on me. And I’m not new to this (had a spath prior to this one). Still, I’m not where I want to be and it’s hard. I feel stuck. I feel like I’ve lost. More important than feeling I’ve lost to him, I feel like I lose myself everyday in certain ways no matter how hard I fight for my life back. Make sense?

Any advice on how to not wallow too long in self pity will be welcome!

I found that to regain my true self, I had to question EVERY decision I made to make sure it was truly mine and not influenced by sociopath’s twisted thinking (i.e. t.v. shows selected.) Also, helping the TRULY needy may make you see what you DO have, not what you don’t. There are so many truly needy out there from abused children to the really sick or elderly. It serves to divert your thoughts and you come home feeling good about yourself. Just some suggestions. Anything to take your mind off your own problems and makes you physically ready to sleep peacefully. Just some ideas.

I have found myself in the midst of a smear campaign which not only effects my life but the life of my father and his care. A severely disordered person started the mess and it has snowballed and effected my ability to hire care for him because I “don’t pay people”, have cameras in his room and sit at home watching people, I’m crazy……hard to work for, “everyone” quits……
So I’m down to a skeleton crew and am either running out of options or have run out. I’m so burned out in this while trying to keep so many other aspects of his live on track, while trying to get my own life back on track after Spathtard and then several other life upheavals. This is really bad. This woman accused me of stealing $20(really????) from her binder on her last day, of stealing her personal papers (that were mine anyhow), called the state police, said I had her cell phone charger, reported me to Adult Protective Services who followed through with a visit, emailed my father’s attorney repeatedly which cost him money and I think she is the one who sent me a Season’s Greetings death threat right before Christmas.
It’s insane but trying to find caregivers has been the olympics of insanity for close to a year now anyhow. Just one nightmare after another. She was the icing on the cake……or so I thought until the rest of this whole gory story proceeded to unfold.
I just get the feeling that I was in some deep deep sleep and woke up in CRAZY VILLE after my encounter with Spathtard! It’s been over 4 years now since that situation imploded and it’s just been one thing after the next. I keep thinking this can’t get any worse and OMG it sure can!
Very interesting……I hired her sight unseen from another state, basically had to, long story. the very FIRST time I saw her, she did this weird look with her hair falling across her face….VERY weird. I remember thinking…huh? What was that? Then let it go. Then there were the teary meltdowns, the odd way to long texts, way too personal. All leading up to wear it ended up.
so now I’m at a complete loss, Im exhausted, maxed out, physically compromised and being undercut in my attempts to keep my 91 year old father safe and cared for…… not good.

Hi dorothy2, heart wrenching to read your post. On it’s own taking care of an elderly parent is not only hard work but it also takes a toll on your body emotionally.

I’m so sorry to hear this sad news. Is this person a “licensed care giver” if so file an immediate complaint with your state & her state also…bet your not the first to do so.

We ran into the same trouble with my dying mother…a few of the home care nurses were fine but the night shift was not…and I too believe two might have personality disordered. I found one in my parents bedroom while my father was sleeping on the couch in the living room to be close to my mother & I was sleeping on the floor.

My gut feelings were exactly like yours, but when you are dealing with greater issues of taking care of a elderly person you like you state are exhausted. Dont let this slip by…FILE a complaint against this person because you have no idea if they will come back to haunt your life in the future.

If you are in the USA this info can be found on the USA.gov website. Look into state & federal assistance. You can call the 800 number of the federal government to seek help to. There is help out there for your father you will just have to make a few phone calls. Not in the USA then just google your country with the word “government assistance” and “elderly care”.

Hugs to you! Not easy what you are going thru with your elderly father and healing from dealing with a ex sociopath plus this nightmare of a person.

Eldercare Locator – Official Site
http://www.eldercare.gov/

Welcome to the Eldercare Locator, a public service of the U.S. Administration on Aging connecting you to services for older adults and their ..
.
Florida Department of Elder Affairs – Home
elderaffairs.state.fl.us/index.php

Welcome to the Florida Department of Elder Affairs, the primary state agency administering human services programs to benefit Florida’s elders.

Home Health Care – Eldercare

http://www.eldercare.gov/ELDERCARE.NET/Public/Resources/Factsheets/Home_Health_Care.aspx
Home Health Care. Home health care helps older adults live independently for as long as possible, even with an illness or injury. It covers a wide …

Illinois Department on Aging – Official Site
http://www.illinois.gov/aging

Community care, social services, elderly rights and public awareness.
Caring for Elderly Parents (US Department of State)

http://www.state.gov/m/dghr/flo/c23133.htm

Introduction (return to top) How to care for elderly parents is a major concern of many Foreign Service families. How to ensure good health care, find …

Caregiver – Eldercare Locator

http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare.NET/Public/Resources/Topic/Caregiver.aspx
Caregiver. National Information and Resources; Publications; Find information and resources in your area; Families are the major provider of long-term …

SeniorCare is Wisconsin’s Prescription Drug Assistance …
http://www.dhs.wisconsin.gov/seniorcare/index.htm

Senior Care Program; SeniorCare is Wisconsin’s Prescription Drug Assistance Program; … Every senior enrolling in SeniorCare must pay an annual $30 …
California Department of Aging – Official Site

http://www.aging.ca.gov/

The California Department of Aging (CDA) administers programs that serve older adults, adults with disabilities, family caregivers, and residents in …
Resources – eldercare.gov

http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare.NET/Public/Resources/Index.aspx

Advanced Care Planning; Factsheets; Brochures; Federal Websites; Helpful Links; Search by Topic; Last Modified: 7/12/2010 2:30:49 PM: Administration …
Check Benefits – Eldercare

http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare.NET/Public/Resources/Check_Benefits.aspx
Check Benefits. The BenefitsCheckUp Website helps consumers find benefits programs that help them pay for prescription drugs, health care, rent, …
Alternatives to Nursing Homes

http://www.medicare.gov/nursinghomecompare/Resources/Nursing-Home-Alternatives.html
A description of alternatives to nursing home care including Community Services, Home Care, Hospice Care, and others.

PACE | Medicare.gov

http://www.medicare.gov/your-medicare-costs/help-paying-costs/pace/pace.html
PACE (Program of All-inclusive Care for the Elderly) is a Medicare/Medicaid program that helps people meet health care needs in community.

Financial Assistance – Eldercare
http://www.eldercare.gov/ELDERCARE.NET/Public/Resources/Topic/Financial_Assistance.aspx
The website helps consumers find benefits programs that help them pay for prescription drugs, health care, rent, utilities, and other needs.

Health-care of Elderly: Determinants, Needs and Services
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3843313/

To conclude, provision of quality assured health-care services for the elderly population is a challenge that requires joint approach and strategies.

Home [www.aging.pa.gov]
http://www.aging.pa.gov/Pages/default.aspx

Senior Community Centers; Organization. About Us; Advocacy & Protection; Council on Aging; … Wolf Administration Launches the Pennsylvania …

Assisted Living – Eldercare

http://www.eldercare.gov/ELDERCARE.NET/Public/Resources/Factsheets/Assisted_Living.aspx
Assisted Living. Assisted living facilities offer a housing alternative for older adults who may need help with dressing, bathing, eating, and …
Federal Websites – Eldercare Locator

http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare.NET/Public/Resources/Federal_Websites.aspx
Guide to Long Term Care for Veterans The Guide provides information about long term … The Senior Corps Senior Corps is a network of programs that …
Senior Services – MO.gov

http://www.mo.gov/home-family/senior-services/
Elderly Care. Health & Housing. Nursing homes; Home health agencies; Adult day care facilities; Inspection information on Missouri licensed …

Adult Day Care – eldercare.gov
http://www.eldercare.gov/ELDERCARE.NET/Public/Resources/Factsheets/Adult_Day_Care.aspx
Adult Day Care. Adult Day Care Centers are designed to provide care and companionship for older adults who need assistance or supervision during the …

Senior Care – Maryland Department of Aging Home Page
http://www.aging.maryland.gov/Pages/SeniorCare.aspx

The Senior Care System provides case management and funds for services for people 65 or older who may be at risk of nursing home placement.

ps if you look in your phone book see the “blue pages” or the very front of your phone book & it list all the local government offices. Most likely there is one on elderly services then call them for a list of reputable companies for nursing assistance. Your local hospital might have a suggestion also and well as the Medicare office (have a list of approved care giver companies).

one last thing. If you belong to a church contact the Pastor to see if he knows of any reputable care givers licensed if you dont belong to one contact say a Catholic Church for assistance as they usually go to nursing homes for services etc and maybe able to give you some guidance for care givers in your area.

I just want to say that it is very common these days to have cameras in a elderly persons room or home to watch out for any abuse a caregiver may do…so this woman might have been checking to see if you have cameras or she is like you state trying to get everyone to quite = evil sociopathic games.

Hugs to you & your father. Take care. (glad you vented tonight, it always helps!)

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