UPDATED FOR 2020: It’s bad enough that sociopaths lie to hook you. But they also lie about you, which is known as the “smear campaign.”
Anything they tell you about themselves may be false — their age, education, credentials, family details, income, criminal record, job or work history. And of course, sociopaths typically lie about their relationship history and status. They claim to be single when they are married; they claim to be childless when they have many offspring — even with multiple partners.
Sociopaths lie — it’s the key characteristic of the disorder. When you fall for the lies, you feel like a chump. But what often turns out to be even more devastating is the lies they tell about you.
The smear campaign
Sociopaths typically engage in a smear campaign about their targets. These are outright lies that they tell about you to your family, friends, neighbors, co-workers and others in your social circle.
The sociopath’s objective with the smear campaign is to compromise your social support system, and therefore increase his or her control over you. For this reason, the sociopath may start lying about you long before you suspect any problems in your relationship.
For example, a sociopath may have a conversation like the following with your friend, Jane:
Sociopath: “You know, I found out about six months into our relationship that Mary was cheating on me. She was secretly seeing a guy from work.”
Jane: “I never knew about that!”
Sociopath: “Well, I imagine that she didn’t want to tell you, because you might have said something to me. I know I can trust you.”
Jane: “Of course you can!”
Sociopath: “I really love Mary, so I’ve forgiven her.”
You, of course, never cheated on the sociopath — the entire story is a complete fabrication. But look at what happens because of what the sociopath said:
- Jane thinks you cheated on your partner, which lowers her opinion of you.
- Jane believes you are keeping secrets from her, so you aren’t much of a friend.
- The sociopath pretends to be wronged, which elicits sympathy from Jane.
- The sociopath enlists Jane as a potential informer.
- For taking you back after you supposedly cheated, the sociopath claims the moral high ground.
All of these dynamics may be very useful to the sociopath down the road, when you split up and find that your family and friends are supporting him rather than you.
The most common lies of the smear campaign
I’ve heard from many, many people that sociopaths have accused them of being crazy, psycho, unbalanced, needing therapy or needing medication. So I think the most prevalent lies sociopaths tell about you are statements undermining your mental stability.
What’s really dangerous about these statements is the manner in which they are said. Instead of ranting about you, often sociopaths seem to be expressing concern.
Read more: Can you find out if someone is married?
A sociopath will quietly say to your friends and family, “You know, I’m really worried about Mary. She really seems to be losing it. But she just won’t go see a therapist.”
They come across as so believable.
You, of course, may be legitimately suffering from anxiety or depression because of emotional and psychological abuse by the sociopath. And due to the sociopath’s gaslighting, you may even be questioning your own sanity.
Still, by questioning your mental ability to your family and friends, the sociopath weakens your standing and makes them less likely to support your decisions. The sociopath, in the meantime, is seen as a concerned partner, someone who is looking out for your well-being, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
How to combat the lies: Pick your battles
Sometimes the sociopath’s smear campaign has been going on for so long, and has been so well orchestrated, that you may find your entire family, social group or community aligned against you. I’ve heard from many people who realize that everyone in their church believes the sociopath’s lies and not them.
This is terribly distressing. Your reputation is shredded, and you did nothing wrong. So how do you fight this? What do you do?
Unfortunately, sociopaths are such accomplished liars that some people will believe their stories no matter how much you protest. So here’s what I suggest:
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Figure out which people are really important to you and need to know the truth. Do your best to tell them your side of the story. Show them proof if you have it.
For everyone else, you develop a stock response, perhaps a shrug and, “He likes to tell stories.”
You may find that you will need to walk away from some people, remove them from your life. So be it.
When you absolutely must fight the lies
There is one situation in which you must do your best to fight the lies: When you have a court case involving a sociopath.
Sociopaths have absolutely no qualms about lying in court testimony or court documents. When the sociopaths lie about you in court, you MUST object.
Court proceedings are all about establishing a “record.” Because everything said during a court proceeding is supposed to be the truth, sociopaths are assumed to be telling the truth, no matter what they say. So when their statements are lies, you must counter them.
If you fail to dispute the sociopath’s lies, they become part of the court record. This can turn into a real problem later on, with much bigger repercussions than the smear campaign.
Another time to fight is when you are accused of a crime that you did not do. You may be advised to plead guilty, especially if you can’t afford a lawyer. This is generally a bad idea. A guilty plea means a criminal record, and a criminal record will cause you big problems later in life.
3 questions to help you respond to the smear campaign
Here’s the bottom line: Sociopaths lie about everything, so they are likely to lie about you. No one wants to be characterized falsely. But realize that you can choose how, or even if, you will respond to the lies.
Here are three questions to help you decide what to do:
- Does this particular lie damage my life?
- Does this person need to know the truth?
- Will responding to the lie keep me engaged with the sociopath?
In situations where you can move on without combating the lies of the smear campaign, that might be the best approach. Reserve your energy for taking action on the matters that are vital to your life.
Lovefraud originally posted this article on August 4, 2014.
Comparing relationships with sociopaths and borderlines
I’m so sorry, but not surprised, to hear what Dave has been going through but my advice, based on 30 years experience, is for you to try and save yourself by walking completely away while you can. It’s not easy leaving one’s children but perhaps when they’re grown, your children will seek you out and justice may be met after all. The more one fights a psychotic, the more they will damage you and ultimately win. Retaliation is their ultimate goal but this fact is so alien to most of our society and our money-hungry judicial system, that to fight it is virtually hopeless. She will just continue to drain you financially and emotionally until you are virtually dead. My sincerest wish is for you to save yourself and start anew!
The biggest smear campaigner was my own mother. Believe it. No one would ever guess at such a thing but she totally succeeded, and to this day…at this ripe old age of 63, I am not welcome anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Would this not make my mother a sociopath? She WAS diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder…
My mother is a classic Narcissistic on the STRONG side of the scale. All my life she did whatever she could to hurt me…..unless she wanted me to do her dirty work for her. Would you believe how stupid I am? I go and marry a Narcissistic Psychopath…..he was soooooo believable!!! They LIE…..and they are GOOD at it.
My grandfather use to say…..if a person is capable of lying……they are capable of murder. My husband and mother tried murdering my spirit. I think they have succeeded
So sorry for your pain DonnaZ. Agree with you totally. Physical murder would be merciful in comparison because it would be so much less painful than the long drawn out torture.
Donna Z…your desire to pass on some of your hard-earned knowledge demonstrates to me that your spirit is not dead!
My situation was a little different….after almost a year together my boyfriend suddenly started accusing me of lying about everything. Nothing I said was the truth anymore. He started accusing me of things I wasn’t doing. No matter what I did or said it was wrong and I was wrong for it. He told everyone that I was on drugs. Alienated me from my friends and family. I lost my job. He went as far as going on Facebook and telling everyone that I was a junkie and that I was choosing drugs over him and our family when I tried to leave….I kept going back bc I loved him and I thought that things would change but they never did. I started to question myself to the point that I changed almost everything about myself thinking that he would change if he saw that I was willing to do whatever to make us work. That didn’t work either. Everyone including my friends and family believed the lies bc I had shut myself out from everyone…I still live him but that is no way to live and no way to be loved…..
Dear Doll, I am telling you this not only as a concerned person but also someone who is now linked to a sociopath for life. Every thing changes when you become a parent and I wouldn’t wish what I am dealing with on my worst enemy. I feel for you and I have been in your shoes but I am telling you now GET OUT! By the time I realized just ho toxic my ex was, I was already pregnant. The LAST thing you ever want to do is have to deal with a sociopath in court. If you know how good they are at lying to you, imagine how that looks in front of a judge. You will very quickly become the enemy all while they harass you enough to make your life miserable but not enough to get in trouble criminally. They will play the victim and you are the crazy one. I am begging you, GET OUT NOW!
Dear Candiscarter, I also plead with you to free yourself of your sociopath. Not only for your own health and future happiness but also that of your unborn child. You have NO idea of the future unhappiness and devastation you will suffer as a result of your erroneous thinking (“tied to him for life”!) The immediate suffering you will feel is NOTHING compared to a lifetime of agony, loneliness and despair as a result of your misjudgment. PLEASE.
flicka, My child is now 13 months old and a happy, beautiful baby girl. I ended ALL contact with the sociopath while I was pregnant. A month after having my baby, I was served with court papers. Texas is much like other states in that the court system believes that 2 parents are better than 1. We actually were supposed to have court for the 5th time today. I am now forced to deal with him on a weekly basis because of court orders. Due to his addiction to alcohol, I have fought to have his visitation take place in my home with me supervising. I cannot leave my child alone with him. He does not have control over me anymore and this makes him very angry BUT he can control certain things when it comes to my daughter. I would take a bullet for my child so if he wants to try his tactics, it’s fine as long as I know she is safe. The best advise I can give to anyone dealing with this is DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Record every phone call, try to communicate only through text or email (I use oufamilywizard.com), take pictures (I use an app called “DateStamp”), set up cameras, etc. The only reason I have been somewhat successful with the judicial system is because of my documentation. The one thing they cannot stand is to be proven to be a liar especially in a court room. They can only lie for so long before they can’t get out of it anymore. My documentation also gained me the ability to have him take a breath alcohol test before, during or after visitation. Same thing, he, like many other sociopaths have an addiction, and it was only a matter of time before he couldn’t fool that machine. Through research and a lot of documentation, I have learned how to protect myself from this toxic person while giving myself the power to protect my child. My battle is far from over but the one thing I can say about this Texas woman is, I am touch and I will fight to the death so my child will never have to experience his corrupt behaviors. I really could coach other parents dealing with the same issues.
So happy to hear you’re on top of it! Yes, helping others is very welcome and cathartic.
Dear Doll, As a 77 year old disabled and completely abandoned woman, I feel your pain while, at the same time, I want to shake you and tell you to get out and come to your senses. I wasted 50 years making excuses for the 6 sociopaths in my family (first a husband and then our 5 grown children)and trying ever harder to make sense and meaning to it all. But there is NO sense to be made for their cruelty; one has to come to that reality oneself and get away as fast as you can. Not doing so will only prolong your agony and deplete your soul until there is nothing left. Go NC, gradually getting a job and your life and former self back a.s.a.p. Telling your story is good only if it helps heal you instead of wallowing in self pity; I wasted an entire talented and educated lifetime away; don’t let that happen to you. I wish you heartfelt wishes in your recovery; you will once again find happiness if you do.
I was with a sociopath for a year ”“ he’s still up to his game and I’ve managed NC for almost 5 months. I jumped into a relationship with another man soon after, which isn’t typical of me. We knew each other from the past. I’ve recently discovered my new love is spath #2. We’ve been together for almost a year. His true self hit me like a brick wall a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t disclose many things with my counselor about #2, unaware that I was going through the same thing, although we did recognize some red flags at the beginning. She is supporting me tremendously.
#2 was a vulture and preyed on me when I was weak and was still in the grieving healing process. I’m still in the healing process with #1 so words cannot even describe my feelings about #2, disgust aside. NC is easier this time around although I’ve failed a bit and am being forgiving to myself for that. I haven’t told him I know about him. I’m using “grey rock” as much as possible. I believe he’s worse than #1 in different ways. #2 is very subtle compared to overt #1.
Here’s the kicker”my best friend of 15yrs is now defending him and lying to me about them being in contact. She has always been my constant…supportive and loving no matter what my situation was in the past. I told her that I would like for her to not be friends with him anymore. She struggled with that. Now she is defensive and not hearing my truth. I’ve become crazy in her eyes. She just believes this was an “Unhealthy relationship” and that we should agree to disagree. Oh that’s right, a man who intentionally lied to me, lied about everything, controlled me, love-bombed me, gaslighted me, etc. And she can’t see it! Not only that but now she’s lying to me!! Things haven’t felt right about her treatment toward me, she’s become a friend that I’ve never known.
When I broke NC last, #2 he said something that implied they had been talking about me. I ended up catching her in lying about talking to him (long story) but didn’t point it out to her. I know he’s using my experience with spath #1 against me (how convenient). I know she’s being manipulated. My heart hurts so much that I feel like it’s going to swallow me whole and suffocate me.
I’m trying to stay positive but I have no idea to what extent their relationship is. I want to yell at him and call her out. I am so hurt. I know calling them out will only make things worse and I’m trying so hard to be strong. What got me through #1 was my support system. Now I feel so alone without my constant, my best friend.
Thistoo-
I had a similar situation in which my best friend turned out not to be such a great friend.
Knowing what I know now, and there is too much water under that bridge for me to ever care a hoot about her, here’s what I wish I’d said to her at the time…..
I’m the victim of emotional abuse. And it’s a form of abuse that undermined my self determination over my sexual autonomy. In other words, I was raped by fraud.
So if you’d like to invalidate the defilement I feel at being raped by that CAD, you are not someone who I am safe to have in my life. I need to heel from his abuse, and I need people around me that I can trust. If you are not one of them, so be it.
I am a friend in need of friendship. And if you can’t be a supportive friend for me, you are simply adding to my pain and I will no longer put myself in harms way by communicating with you.
She may get it, she may not, but you won’t continue subjecting yourself to the pain of invalidation by someone you trusted. You’ve already suffered betrayal from that CAD. You don’t need to tolerate more harm from someone who should be your support system.
CADS are really good at fooling people. They not only fooled us, but they also fooled our friends and loved ones. But dissuading a person about the character of another is difficult to do. Either they get it or they don’t. And if they don’t, the only way it will change is if they begin to experience similar issues with the offender.
Sociopaths don’t just destroy our loving bond with them, but they destroy the relationships we have with others around us. I know it’s hard to do so, but put yourself into situations where you can begin meeting others with similar interests and values who you can develop as friends.
I know how painful this is, and my heart truly goes out to you.
Best-
Joyce
Thistooshallpass – What a nightmare! I agree with Joyce – your friend is being manipulated and probably doesn’t even realize it.
Perhaps you can try to explain to her once more what he’s doing, how you feel, and what you need her to do. If she can’t support you the way you need to be supported, well, you may just have to let her go.
Unfortunately many, many Lovefraud readers have experienced this problem. It’s painful. And it shows just how good these sociopaths are.
Joyce and Donna,
Thank you so much for your wisdom and kind words! Turns out, I have my best friend back!!! Thanks to my ex trying to play crazy with us and failing. Turns out our friendship was stronger, Thank God. My heart hurts a little less now, although I’m struggling so much. I thought having prior experience with this would help. I’m actually experiencing a harder time with this loss. I thought so highly of him. I can’t believe he preyed on me the way he did.
I failed at NC the other night and to prove himself, he sent me a conversation that was had between them. In the conversation she stated that I feel strongly she didn’t have any more contact with him even if she didn’t understand why I wanted that, all the while he begged for her to contact him and was dramatic and manipulative… I ended up calling her, while on the floor crying so hard I could barely speak. I explained the situation, his crazy making, told her about the message he sent, about the lies….She thought it was strange he sent me their correspondance and was willing to hear me out, She is now on my side 100%.
When I first told her about him I was scared she wouldn’t believe me, especially because of what I experienced with #1. She and #2 had become close, he had wooed her. I was still in numb stage when I first approached her and acting very positive about it all. She read that wrong, questioned me and got defensive. The whole numb/acting normal thing isn’t like me after a relationship, so now I understand her take on it.
Her contact with him was her trying to be nice. That’s how she is and I love her for it. She says it’s something she’s working on. She apologized and I believe it is sincere.
I feel like the Universe was on my side!!! I hope it continues to be by my side. I know he’s not done and am expecting more to come…fingers crossed goodness prevails!
ThisToo-
So glad you were able to mend that fence!
All the best!
Joyce
Hi Joyce,
I was wrong. Turns out I don’t have my best friend back. They’ve been communicating.
I want to thank you for the advice you gave me when I firs suspected the worst. I told my bf that I needed people who I could trust and feel safe with and that if she doesn’t believe me then so be it.
This is extremely painful. The pain and loss has become so normal to me these days that I’ve come to a place of acceptance. Sadness, disparity, anxiety, anger, etc.
Has this become my norm?
jenna23,
I feel like my days are endless. Wouldn’t it be nice to just be healed now?! I’m so over feeling this way… I’m sorry this is your day, too. 🙁
You can snap out of it by thinking of all you DO have rather than what you don’t have. No one can do it for you unfortunately….I know. But at least you have shelter, 2 hands, feet AND time; so don’t wallow too long in self pity; it only serves your sociopath (who doesn’t give a hoot!)