Editor’s note: Caroline Parsons is an attorney from Queensland, Australia. Today she explains how many family violence survivors feel the snap — they’re done with the abuse and they’re leaving. Learn more about Caroline Parsons on the Lovefraud Announcements page or in her author profile.
By Caroline Parsons, Esq.
A common but antiquated question in the family violence debate (using gendered language for historical accuracy) is “why didn’t she leave?” Answers include that he convinced her the problems were her fault and he promised to change. Clearly the more important question then is, “why did he abuse her?” But that is the topic of another post.
In my view, the better question to be asked in the battle against domestic abuse is “how do people in toxic relationships leave?” The answer to that question is survivors may be empowered to escape if they understand a phenomenon known as “the snap.”
What is it like to feel the snap?
The snap is a moment in time where something happens which puts the brakes on the rollercoaster that is life with a toxic partner. It can be a huge event, like the first time the domestic violence escalates from emotional to physical, or a very quiet moment, often experienced like the feeling of a snap in the survivor’s head.
Learn more: Reclaim your power in family court cross-examination
It’s difficult to describe the snap, and the experience is different for each person. Some describe it as the click you hear and feel when turning an old-fashioned light switch on. Others experience an overwhelm of emotion, akin to the feeling of being caught in a wave or rip in the ocean and being carried away.
The close friend who introduced me to the snap was eating breakfast one morning when she felt it. She stood up, walked away from the home she had shared with her abusive husband for many years and never looked back. This friend also left after she felt the snap in a second abusive relationship. She is now in a healthy, loving and long-term marriage.
Another friend reported feeling the snap when her children were very young. She left her husband, but returned after he convinced her things would change. Unsurprisingly, they didn’t. More than 20 years later, having waited for their children to grow old enough to leave home, that friend regrets ignoring the instinct that told her it was time to go.
The more time you spend with abuse survivors who have escaped, the more often you hear about the snap – the moment where their internal tables turned and they felt an overwhelming urge to end the relationship. Most often it is experienced as a sense of coldness, of calm, of certainty that it’s over. As my friend described, “It’s a moment in time where your head, heart and gut align.”
You will know when it’s time to go
If you suspect you’re in a toxic relationship, don’t worry about when you will leave or how. Just know that there will come a point when you know it’s time. You’ll feel the snap. And when you do, recognise it and seek help to leave.
To prepare you for that point, start telling people about what you’re experiencing at home, right now. Tell the police, tell your friends, tell your family, tell everyone who you trust will listen, believe and support you about what’s been happening. You’ll need their help to leave your relationship safely.
Author Turcois Ominek described the snap beautifully when she wrote: “I’m guilty of giving people more chances than they deserve but when I’m done, I’m done.”
This article was originally printed at www.solo-legal.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.
Keep the Sociopath Out of Your Thoughts
My “snap” was the day I woke up and realized I no longer cared. I didn’t care about what others thought. I didn’t care about appearances. I didn’t care if he got mad. Or sad. Or angry. And I didn’t care about him. That was the day I left my alcoholic, abusive husband of 10 years. With the narcissist, 35 years later, my “snap” was very similar, but happened much sooner. He had been disregarding me for a month, making excuses of why he wasn’t coming home, lying about where he was, when I woke one morning thinking “I don’t care if he ever comes back.” And I told him so.
It’s weird how sometimes the snap doesn’t involve a dramatic event, something just changes inside of us. Well done for leaving (both times). The biggest challenge for targets of abuse is walking away.
Amazingly, I hadn’t heard about the concept of the “snap” until Caroline wrote this article. But I certainly did experience it. I already knew I wanted out of the marriage to the sociopath, but when I discovered indisputable evidence that he was cheating on me – a birth certificate of a child he fathered with another woman during our marriage – that was it. I was done.
Carolyn, thanks for this blog article. I could relate. My snap happened when I gradually broke from the cognitive dissonance from various abusive relationships, but realized that breaking free from abuse does not exclude family. I had always thought I had to be loyal to my family no matter what. Even at the cost of my mental and physical well-being. 2 of my siblings were covertly bullying me when I began to establish a credible, healthy relationship with a good man. The more I began to reap the benefits of individuality and healing (and joy of being truly loved) the more they exposed how ugly their hearts really were since my childhood. I continued to look the other way until one day my sister lied to my children about me and attempted to bring them into her flying monkey circle without my knowledge. That was the big snap. Undermining my motherhood. It’s a tragedy when you have to explain to your own children that your family is highly disordered and that their behavior never evolved past age 5.
wow fakeradaron- that’s pretty dramatic. But I’m glad you saw the blinding truth. Yes, sometimes the problem is within our own families.
Fakeradaron, the resolution of cognitive dissonance appears to be exactly what the snap is. Thanks for your really insightful comment.
. My snap happened when he told me he had a kid, but he kept it under wraps for 9 months. It was only then that I realized that while he got her pregnant I had been giving him money and he had asked me for another loan which surely he used to deliver the baby and not for the reason he gave me.