By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
I guess I am making a “confession” here of being a wimp, or maybe an enabler, for the majority of my life. But when people would ask me for a “favor,” I would almost always do it, even if it meant that I had to cancel plans of my own that I would much rather have done. In other words, by saying “yes” to my friends and family, I was saying “no” to myself.
Shopping on Mondays
After my husband died I cared for my stepfather during his long battle with cancer. In fact, I cancelled my “life” and my own grieving for my husband to voluntarily be there for him. I wanted to be there for him. However, after his death and a reasonable period of time, I realized that I had put my own business interests on hold to take care of him and my egg donor, and because of that, I had lost value in several large assets that I needed to take care of before they deteriorated more and became totally valueless.
The egg donor had a habit of wanting to go to town on Monday, for no particular reason except that was the day she had always gone to town since her retirement. One Sunday, I spoke to her because I had something very important to do on the following Monday and wouldn’t be available to take her to town to grocery shop on Monday, but could take her on Tuesday. I went to her house to tell her how I had neglected my own business interests over the last 18 months and now it was time for me to get cracking and take care of these interests and that I might not be available when she wanted to go to town, unless it was an emergency of course, and then I would cancel any plans, and that I would take her anywhere she wanted to go, but we’d work around my schedule of business.
She looked at me like I had asked her to jump off the roof, and she said, “But what if I WANT TO GO TO TOWN ON MONDAY?” I was a bit taken back by the tone of her voice and the look in her eye, but I patiently re-explained that it really didn’t matter if she went to town on Monday or not, that any day was okay to grocery shop. Still she looked at me wide-eyed, that I would dare put my needs before her desires.
That was a totally unsuccessful attempt to set some boundaries and actually caused her to become so angry that she immediately started the devalue and discarding, finding the Trojan Horse Psychopath and my psychopathic daughter-in-law to do her bidding and “jump when she said frog.” Because I had said “no” to her, she would punish me and replace me.
Wanting to help
Setting boundaries with others, especially “family and close friends,” has been a challenge my entire life. But I didn’t realize it, because I didn’t even know what a “boundary” was. I lived in the expectation that I was supposed to drop everything I had planned and meet the needs of my friends and family and if they were unhappy, it was my job to “make them happy.” If I did something for myself instead of doing something for others then I was being “selfish.” Saying “yes” to the demands of others was what I was put on this earth to do.
Was I tired? Were they hungry? Well, of course I’d get up and get them something to eat, no problem. Did they need a babysitter so they could go out on the town? Well, so what if I had worked hard all week and come home to my own house full of toddlers or teenagers, I’d cancel my plans and sit for their kids ”¦ no problem.
There are times when we want to cancel our plans to do something to take care of the need of someone we love, such as when my beloved stepfather got cancer. I didn’t even hesitate to cancel my “life” to be there for him. I moved across the pasture into the spare room in my parents’ home so I would be available in case he needed me during the night (he frequently did). I “closed down” my kitchen and told my son, our hired hand, and my husband that they could come to my parents’ house to eat, and they did. I was there for every doctor’s visit with my Daddy ”¦ and was glad to be. It was not an imposition at all. I also had household help for cleaning, a hospice aide for help with his personal care, and the neighbors and the church brought in enough food to feed an army, so I actually had to do little cooking. I was also able to take the breaks needed by caregivers to “just get away,” so it was, given the nature of the situation, ideal. When he finally passed away, he was ready to go and we were also ready to let him go, we did our grieving together.
So there are instances when we completely shut down our own lives to give care to another and that is perfectly okay. But when we are asked to do something though and we do not want to do it, we resent doing it, then we need to ask ourselves if saying “yes” to someone else means saying “no” to ourselves.
Resentment
When we give time, effort or money to someone and we resent doing it ”¦ when someone comes to “borrow” money and you know they will never repay it, and you want to say “no” but you are afraid of hurting their feelings or you feel trapped one way or another into “having” to “loan” them the money, then you are saying “NO” to yourself.
Even if the “cause” is good, such as a charity, but you don’t want to donate, yet you feel guilty for not donating, then you are “saying yes to others, and no to yourself.”
Someone said once that “No” is a complete sentence. That’s actually pretty profound if you think about it. We are all adults, and we know how to say the word “no,” but many times we won’t say it for fear of hurting someone else’s feelings, or feeling guilty for saying it.
Some people seem to know how to push your buttons to get you to do things for them, give them things, or allow them to literally walk on your back and you keep saying “yes” to them when you really want to scream “NO!” Sometimes we say “yes” many times and the resentment builds up (as it always will when you want to say “no” and instead say “yes.”) and eventually the resentment builds so high that one day they demand that you do such and such and you “explode!” You give them the tongue lashing that you’ve wanted to give them ever since you said “Yes” the last 15 or 20 times when you wanted to say “No” instead.
Enabling
Saying “yes” when you want to say “no” is a form of what many people will call enabling, doing for others what they should be doing for themselves. Taking responsibility for others’ needs when they are perfectly capable and able to meet these needs themselves. That kind of saying “yes” causes resentment. Me saying “yes, I’ll take care of you” to my stepfather didn’t cause resentment because I loved him, and I knew that he could not meet those needs himself. I was glad to provide them. Taking the egg donor to town every Monday, and ONLY on Monday when it wasn’t necessary and when she could have hired a driver, when I had serious business to transact, that would have been enabling.
I’m learning to say “no” to people now when I want to say “no,” and “yes” when I don’t mind saying “yes.” It takes practice and patience with ourselves but it makes life so much more peaceful when you have the courage and ability to say “no” and know that by doing so, if the person you say “no” to gets upset, you don’t care. It is okay for someone to be upset with you. It is perfectly okay to say, “No, I’d rather not do that, but thank you for asking.”
I really hate the notion of being an ‘enabler’ but I have to say, I do all of the above all the time. Although yesterday when my ex-spath tried to shift responsibility for being our disabled daughter’s guarantor from him to me – despite him being the one with the career and earning power – he got a one word email in return. It read ‘No’.
Oxy,
Thank you so much for this article. I believe that it is a huge part of why we attract spaths. Of course a parasite is going to be attracted to a willing victim.
My problem is that I actually WANT to say yes. I really really want to. I LIKED helping other people. It’s because that’s the role I played my whole life. Learning to want to say NO when I want to say YES, is my challenge. To want things because they are good for ME, is what I lack.
Mrs. Grimm, great response! “No”
Oxy, you are so right on the money here. I’m pretty good at not enabling people these days, but once in a while I get challenged. When I first started saying no, I felt like a selfish person. But then I realized that if you can’t say “no” to someone, you can’t really say “yes” and mean it. I found that when I stopped enabling people, some of them would get angry and drop out of my life. I consider this a good thing, because my life is more peaceful without them in it. I have a pretty low tolerance for drama these days.
My most recent challenge is lately my new landlord who is in London wants me to do a lot of the footwork for the repairs that need to be done on my place that I sold to him (I’m renting it back). He doesn’t have a reliable handyperson, and of course, he is trying to cut costs. He wants me to do all the bidletting and cost comparisons and be the go-between for any new handyperson.
Though I like the landlord and appreciate his zealousness in getting the placed fixed up, I had to tell him that I couldn’t do these things without charging him for my time. It felt good to do that, even though I knew he wouldn’t like it.
Even though I have learned to say no, I do have a few people in my life that I would do anything for. My boss, for example, has saved my life on one occasion (literally – she physically saved my life) and has done SO much for me. If she called me in the middle of the night and needed something, I’d be there, and I would do it willingly, whether I wanted to or not.
Star,
perhaps suggest a nominal reduction in rent?
You are right Star there are SOME few people we should want to go out of our way for and that’s okay…the point is that when people DEMAND that we put our lives on hold and do things fo them OR THEY WILL PUNISH US IF WE SAY NO—WHOA NELLY! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.??????
When we start feeling resentment for doing for others because it means we can’t take care of our own needs, then we need to reassess the situation.
When we “enable” someone…i.e. do something for them that we really don’t want to do, or that they are CAPABLE of and SHOULD do for themselves, then we become resentful and we will ALWAYS start to feel resentful if we are asked to say “yes” and demanded to say “yes” and dont’ have the option of freely saying “no”—-so when we start to feel this resentment it is a CUE to us to step back and examine OUR behavior to see if we are engaging in a case of enabling.
If you ask someone to do something, say like your kids to pick their clothes up off the floor, and they don’t, and eventually you start to pick them up for them because you’re tired of nagging them, you are ENABLING them to drop their clothes and YOU are fixing it…they won’t learn and you become resentful. So leave the clothes, and then when they have NOTHING clean to wear…they get the consequences and you calmly say “I will show you how to run the washer. After that it is YOUR responsibility to pick up your clothes out of the floor and wash and put them away…any that I HAVE TO PICK UP OUT OF THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR GO INTO THE TRASH….then do it.
When you have plans and someone wants you to drop them and do something for them—look at how you FEEL about saying “Yes” versus “NO” who do you say yes to, and who do you say no to and how does it feel to you!
Like Sky said, many of us have been programmed that the GOOD FEELINGS we got from doing all for others and nothing for ourselves, but now that we know it is OKAY to say NO we need to put our needs in the pot!
If you can’t say no, then I belive you can’t say yes!
Whoa Ox!
Love this post. Am learning a whole new way of being with this saying “no” thing. Being myself and not feeling I have to be “nice” is also in the same category? I have recently changed my mobile number to stop unwanted contact from the ex. But it also made me think, actually who do I want to have my new number. This woman at work …..very annoying. N characteristics I think at least. She wants my new number. But I think she’s playing this game of …..she wants it but doesn’t want to ask directly. If she drops enough hints ie “Have you changed your number?” or “Do you know your new number?” that I will fall for her bs and just hand it over. Unwittingly. Er no!
Today I told her I was being selective about who I gave the new number to. Her reply?
Stop making excuses as to why you ain’t given me your number.
WTF!
Come on, these things know what they’re doing don’t they?!
No. Nada. Not. Negative.
Learning to say no? Mm mmm an it’s feeling goooood! 🙂
Sky, regarding reduction in rent – same thing as them just paying me outright. I would bill by the hour.
Boy, I bet everyone of us relates to this one Oxy – great article. We need to give ourselves permission to just say “NO.”
Star ~ I think when someone does what he is asking you to do, they usually get a percentage of what the “handyman” charges, from the landlord/owner.
Profound post, Oxy!
I have rarely resented doing things for other people… but I did in the case of the spath. Each time I told myself, “If next he comes with a question for money I’ll say no…” and I tried… but in the end I always ended up giving him kind of what he wanted, bargaining tings down. Resentment built as I was working late hours to prepare classes, often until 1-2 am whie he went out and stayed out much later, with the money I was earning. I wanted to give him a little bit of fun money and a chance to make his own friends, but when I gave a finger, he tore a whole arm off. I hated the situation and started to hate him for it.
At some point I tried to be ahead of it, by giving him something of my own free will, a gift (a phone, but he had to pay his own card with the allowance he got from me), and things like that. At least my cell phone was mine again. But I didn’t have the pleasure in being able to enjoy that. He was with me when I bought a phone and wanted an IPhone (I don’t even have one). Again, I ended up having to bargain. He still ended up having a cell phone 25-30€ more expensive than mine. And what happened to it? He lost or sold it in Nicaragua. When I bought him an mp3 player (so he’d leave my IPod alone, after he had already “lost” my prevous IPod). Didn’t really have much budget for it, so there was no discussion room about it for me. What did he do? In Nicaragua it supposedly went broke and then blamed me for buying cheap stuff, instead of “quality” stuff. I didn’t say it, but though… well that’s it… no more gifts from me anymore.
And since my life went to the sewers in the aftermath I’m learning to say “no” to opportunities as well to give myself a yes in time management. Instead of assuming, I’ll manage it all together, I’m making choices, “this is what needs to be done and what I want to do, and so the rest has to wait.”