By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
I guess I am making a “confession” here of being a wimp, or maybe an enabler, for the majority of my life. But when people would ask me for a “favor,” I would almost always do it, even if it meant that I had to cancel plans of my own that I would much rather have done. In other words, by saying “yes” to my friends and family, I was saying “no” to myself.
Shopping on Mondays
After my husband died I cared for my stepfather during his long battle with cancer. In fact, I cancelled my “life” and my own grieving for my husband to voluntarily be there for him. I wanted to be there for him. However, after his death and a reasonable period of time, I realized that I had put my own business interests on hold to take care of him and my egg donor, and because of that, I had lost value in several large assets that I needed to take care of before they deteriorated more and became totally valueless.
The egg donor had a habit of wanting to go to town on Monday, for no particular reason except that was the day she had always gone to town since her retirement. One Sunday, I spoke to her because I had something very important to do on the following Monday and wouldn’t be available to take her to town to grocery shop on Monday, but could take her on Tuesday. I went to her house to tell her how I had neglected my own business interests over the last 18 months and now it was time for me to get cracking and take care of these interests and that I might not be available when she wanted to go to town, unless it was an emergency of course, and then I would cancel any plans, and that I would take her anywhere she wanted to go, but we’d work around my schedule of business.
She looked at me like I had asked her to jump off the roof, and she said, “But what if I WANT TO GO TO TOWN ON MONDAY?” I was a bit taken back by the tone of her voice and the look in her eye, but I patiently re-explained that it really didn’t matter if she went to town on Monday or not, that any day was okay to grocery shop. Still she looked at me wide-eyed, that I would dare put my needs before her desires.
That was a totally unsuccessful attempt to set some boundaries and actually caused her to become so angry that she immediately started the devalue and discarding, finding the Trojan Horse Psychopath and my psychopathic daughter-in-law to do her bidding and “jump when she said frog.” Because I had said “no” to her, she would punish me and replace me.
Wanting to help
Setting boundaries with others, especially “family and close friends,” has been a challenge my entire life. But I didn’t realize it, because I didn’t even know what a “boundary” was. I lived in the expectation that I was supposed to drop everything I had planned and meet the needs of my friends and family and if they were unhappy, it was my job to “make them happy.” If I did something for myself instead of doing something for others then I was being “selfish.” Saying “yes” to the demands of others was what I was put on this earth to do.
Was I tired? Were they hungry? Well, of course I’d get up and get them something to eat, no problem. Did they need a babysitter so they could go out on the town? Well, so what if I had worked hard all week and come home to my own house full of toddlers or teenagers, I’d cancel my plans and sit for their kids ”¦ no problem.
There are times when we want to cancel our plans to do something to take care of the need of someone we love, such as when my beloved stepfather got cancer. I didn’t even hesitate to cancel my “life” to be there for him. I moved across the pasture into the spare room in my parents’ home so I would be available in case he needed me during the night (he frequently did). I “closed down” my kitchen and told my son, our hired hand, and my husband that they could come to my parents’ house to eat, and they did. I was there for every doctor’s visit with my Daddy ”¦ and was glad to be. It was not an imposition at all. I also had household help for cleaning, a hospice aide for help with his personal care, and the neighbors and the church brought in enough food to feed an army, so I actually had to do little cooking. I was also able to take the breaks needed by caregivers to “just get away,” so it was, given the nature of the situation, ideal. When he finally passed away, he was ready to go and we were also ready to let him go, we did our grieving together.
So there are instances when we completely shut down our own lives to give care to another and that is perfectly okay. But when we are asked to do something though and we do not want to do it, we resent doing it, then we need to ask ourselves if saying “yes” to someone else means saying “no” to ourselves.
Resentment
When we give time, effort or money to someone and we resent doing it ”¦ when someone comes to “borrow” money and you know they will never repay it, and you want to say “no” but you are afraid of hurting their feelings or you feel trapped one way or another into “having” to “loan” them the money, then you are saying “NO” to yourself.
Even if the “cause” is good, such as a charity, but you don’t want to donate, yet you feel guilty for not donating, then you are “saying yes to others, and no to yourself.”
Someone said once that “No” is a complete sentence. That’s actually pretty profound if you think about it. We are all adults, and we know how to say the word “no,” but many times we won’t say it for fear of hurting someone else’s feelings, or feeling guilty for saying it.
Some people seem to know how to push your buttons to get you to do things for them, give them things, or allow them to literally walk on your back and you keep saying “yes” to them when you really want to scream “NO!” Sometimes we say “yes” many times and the resentment builds up (as it always will when you want to say “no” and instead say “yes.”) and eventually the resentment builds so high that one day they demand that you do such and such and you “explode!” You give them the tongue lashing that you’ve wanted to give them ever since you said “Yes” the last 15 or 20 times when you wanted to say “No” instead.
Enabling
Saying “yes” when you want to say “no” is a form of what many people will call enabling, doing for others what they should be doing for themselves. Taking responsibility for others’ needs when they are perfectly capable and able to meet these needs themselves. That kind of saying “yes” causes resentment. Me saying “yes, I’ll take care of you” to my stepfather didn’t cause resentment because I loved him, and I knew that he could not meet those needs himself. I was glad to provide them. Taking the egg donor to town every Monday, and ONLY on Monday when it wasn’t necessary and when she could have hired a driver, when I had serious business to transact, that would have been enabling.
I’m learning to say “no” to people now when I want to say “no,” and “yes” when I don’t mind saying “yes.” It takes practice and patience with ourselves but it makes life so much more peaceful when you have the courage and ability to say “no” and know that by doing so, if the person you say “no” to gets upset, you don’t care. It is okay for someone to be upset with you. It is perfectly okay to say, “No, I’d rather not do that, but thank you for asking.”
Hopeforjoy and Sky, we started seeing each other in October, so it’s 4 months now. Actually, he can be very loving and attentive, but just not to the extent that I am, which actually might mean I am the one with the problem of being overly supportive and he might actually be the one with more healthy boundaries. He’s better at saying “no.” He did offer to give me some money for food, which I refused until it got really bad. He gave me some money that I used to buy apples, carrots, protein powder, and yogurt (yogurt ran out quick). The problem was when I asked him if I could talk to him about the situation a little bit to get some perspective and feedback about what to do. He got frustrated when I started crying (and I was crying because I hadn’t eaten and had biked 4 miles to work on an empty stomach). Sky, he has something more akin to Asperger’s. It’s really not sociopathy. He literally doesn’t “get it” sometimes. I agree that his therapist has misguided him with her advice, but I think his therapist heard a version of the story that he honestly thinks is true, which would mean details are missing that he didn’t even realize are very relevant, like me being hungry. I started to cry because I was so hungry that my stomach hurt and I had a headache, and he told me to “hang in there.” That does absolutely nothing to make a starving person feel better. In fact, it made me more angry. If he was literally starving, I’d go to an online grocery store and have a full load delivered to his house. Or I’d go in person to fill up his fridge. Most people probably don’t do things like this, though. I’m an extreme example.
He’s just not in a position of surplus anything at the moment. Not emotionally, not financially (which is why I really didn’t want to accept any money, but I will pay him back tomorrow when I see him, because I just got paid today). Of course, neither am I. Yet I am the one who would mistakenly give over my right arm to someone I care for, even if I needed it desperately. That’s a bit extreme and something I need to work on myself.
Hopeforjoy, you are right that right now he cannot give me what I need, but he is in therapy to become better, and he told me that part of the reason he is staying in there is because he wants to get better so that he can be strong enough to be there for me. Until then, he just gets angry and is emotionally detrimental in his attempts to help, which start off with “hang in there” then move to frustration and anger when “hang in there” doesn’t work, then finally end with him calling me insensitive for being so emotional at times like this. I don’t know how much can change via his therapy in there, but I do need to back off and take care of myself.
Panther,
I agree with your wanting to back off and take care of yourself, get some perspective on the situation. If therapy helps your boyfriend be a more compassionate man, that’s a good thing, but, don’t count on it happening.
In the meantime, take good care of yourself, love yourself first and maybe the situation will resolve organically. Do they have foodshelves in Deutchland? They must have some social services. Take advantage of them, you are needy and should not have to starve!
Yes, I think it’s best to back off for a while, for the both of you. And when you take some distance to take care of yourself, because he’s in no position to support you in any way, you’ll be able to get a clearer view on this situation too.
Just the situation makes you toxics to each other. At the same time you’re depriving yourself for him long term without return… your gut is starting to resent it, and at the same time you’ll feel guilty and tell yourself how you should feel, even focusing more on him with your empathy and understanding. But that’s a downward spiral where you start to ignore your gut, a clear view on what you are feeling, etc…
It ain’t good for anyone to be in a guilt-frustration emotional situation, let alone people with a victim past like ours.
darwinsmom, I think you are right. We’re both wiped out and neither one of us has anything left over. I will talk to him about what you’ve proposed. Maybe that is the better thing to do.
hopeforjoy, my nostrils burned when he told me what the therapist and group therapy people said, because it reminds me of the minion thing as well, but I honestly think he doubts himself a lot and was trying to figure out if he was to blame, since he couldn’t understand why I was upset with his response to me.
stargazer, he’s German. Stoic much? Totally stoic. He was like the ice man. He was also goofy, sweet, fun, and a bit zany, like sorta in a different world. Emotionally not completely present at all times, as though things can be organized, even emotions. In this culture, that’s quite typical. I knew some things about his past that would effect a lot of people in observable ways, but he didn’t wear the emotions on his sleeve, so I didn’t know they were there in this way.
hopeforjoy, darwinsmom, sky, ox, stargazer,
Thank you all for some perspective!!!! I’m starting to see this a little differently. I think I’m even seeing a way to dig out of this mess. Thank goodness I brought this up!
I’m so prone to feel guilty for thinking about my needs, and this article in here just broke the dam I was using to bar this issue and deal with it in all the wrong ways.
Thank you!
Panther, aren’t there any food banks in your area or churches that could help you out with food? It sounds so isolating to have no one to reach out to for basic survival needs. I’m kind of a loner, but I know if I was starving, there are many people around who would help – even neighbors would feed me. Also, is there any such thing as food stamps where you are? And how is it that your job doesn’t even cover your basic living expenses like food? I’m sorry for being so nosey. It’s just that things are so different here. There are places where anyone can get food if they are genuinely hungry and don’t have money. It’s so easily available that a lot of people take advantage of the system (but that’s a whole other rant).
It sounds odd to hear of your bf saying that he wants to get better so he can take care of you. But yet the fact that you are starving doesn’t ignite any kind of compassion on his part. Seems very odd and contradictory. Makes me wonder about his motives in wanting to take care of you, and what that really means to him. To my thinking, a real man feels a loss of pride when his partner is not being taken care of.
Panther, sorry, I missed your last few posts – we are posting over each other. I’m being really nosey, and you don’t have to answer if you you don’t want to. But I’m curious how long you waited before becoming physical with him? Sleeping with someone too soon can really blur your objectivity so you miss red flags.
Stargazer, I don’t know about food banks or churches. I don’t participate a lot in the community, because the language makes me nervous. I speak German, but I’m not confident in the language. How did this happen with my job? Sheesh, where to begin! Long story short, I was trying to get out of Turkey with the spath situation, and I saw an ad for an English teacher here in Germany. I love Germany and wanted to work on my language skills. So, I interviewed, got the job, looked over the contract, came on over. I wasn’t fully versed in German law…nor did I know the full character of my employer. I didn’t know that he only intended to give me part-time hours. It seems like anyone in their right mind would mention this either in the advert, the interview, or the contract. But since he has me hired as a “freelancer” then he can give me as many classes as he wants. When the holiday months came around, he told me in mid-December that I wouldn’t have classes for the next 3 weeks! But also that I wouldn’t be paid for three weeks without working. I didn’t see that coming, and up until this point, I’d been going back and forth with him asking him why he doesn’t give me more classes since I moved all the way to Germany for a job, and I need to be EMPLOYED like a normal person. He kept saying it wouldn’t happen again, that I’d get full hours. He’d give me a full schedule for a week or two, then suddenly it would cut in half for a couple of weeks. I don’t know what the hell is going on. So I did some research, and it turns out he’s weaseling to get out of paying taxes and health insurance by using a creative contract and calling me a ‘freelancer.’ All the Germans had a Christmas holiday too, which they were PAID for according to mandatory holiday under German labour laws, but this doesn’t apply to “freelancers” which I didn’t know.
It’s a mess. He’s not acting with integrity and I made the mistake of not expecting to be exploited by my employer. So now I’m here.
Stargazer we waited 2 months.
Thanks for sharing the details, panther. I know it’s hard to make ends meet when you are living in another country. Aren’t you Belgian? Forgive me if I’m thinking of someone else. I get people’s backgrounds mixed up. Have you considered going back to your own country?
I am looking at teaching English in another country, as well. If I do, I will go through an organization that will help me with school contracts. I’ve heard about stuff like that happening. I don’t know about Germany, but I hear the pay in Japan for teaching English is incredibly high – enough so that you can work there for a year and save a ton of money after living expenses. I don’t know if you would ever consider that.
In any event, it sounds like you need to look out for #1 right now and let your bf deal with his own issues. Doesn’t sound like he’s available for a mutual relationship. Also, I agree with hopeforjoy. If you stay with your bf for his “potential” you may be disappointed. He is already treating you a certain way. If you are okay with it, you are setting the standard for more of that treatment. You are letting him know that it’s okay. It wouldn’t be okay with me.