By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
I guess I am making a “confession” here of being a wimp, or maybe an enabler, for the majority of my life. But when people would ask me for a “favor,” I would almost always do it, even if it meant that I had to cancel plans of my own that I would much rather have done. In other words, by saying “yes” to my friends and family, I was saying “no” to myself.
Shopping on Mondays
After my husband died I cared for my stepfather during his long battle with cancer. In fact, I cancelled my “life” and my own grieving for my husband to voluntarily be there for him. I wanted to be there for him. However, after his death and a reasonable period of time, I realized that I had put my own business interests on hold to take care of him and my egg donor, and because of that, I had lost value in several large assets that I needed to take care of before they deteriorated more and became totally valueless.
The egg donor had a habit of wanting to go to town on Monday, for no particular reason except that was the day she had always gone to town since her retirement. One Sunday, I spoke to her because I had something very important to do on the following Monday and wouldn’t be available to take her to town to grocery shop on Monday, but could take her on Tuesday. I went to her house to tell her how I had neglected my own business interests over the last 18 months and now it was time for me to get cracking and take care of these interests and that I might not be available when she wanted to go to town, unless it was an emergency of course, and then I would cancel any plans, and that I would take her anywhere she wanted to go, but we’d work around my schedule of business.
She looked at me like I had asked her to jump off the roof, and she said, “But what if I WANT TO GO TO TOWN ON MONDAY?” I was a bit taken back by the tone of her voice and the look in her eye, but I patiently re-explained that it really didn’t matter if she went to town on Monday or not, that any day was okay to grocery shop. Still she looked at me wide-eyed, that I would dare put my needs before her desires.
That was a totally unsuccessful attempt to set some boundaries and actually caused her to become so angry that she immediately started the devalue and discarding, finding the Trojan Horse Psychopath and my psychopathic daughter-in-law to do her bidding and “jump when she said frog.” Because I had said “no” to her, she would punish me and replace me.
Wanting to help
Setting boundaries with others, especially “family and close friends,” has been a challenge my entire life. But I didn’t realize it, because I didn’t even know what a “boundary” was. I lived in the expectation that I was supposed to drop everything I had planned and meet the needs of my friends and family and if they were unhappy, it was my job to “make them happy.” If I did something for myself instead of doing something for others then I was being “selfish.” Saying “yes” to the demands of others was what I was put on this earth to do.
Was I tired? Were they hungry? Well, of course I’d get up and get them something to eat, no problem. Did they need a babysitter so they could go out on the town? Well, so what if I had worked hard all week and come home to my own house full of toddlers or teenagers, I’d cancel my plans and sit for their kids ”¦ no problem.
There are times when we want to cancel our plans to do something to take care of the need of someone we love, such as when my beloved stepfather got cancer. I didn’t even hesitate to cancel my “life” to be there for him. I moved across the pasture into the spare room in my parents’ home so I would be available in case he needed me during the night (he frequently did). I “closed down” my kitchen and told my son, our hired hand, and my husband that they could come to my parents’ house to eat, and they did. I was there for every doctor’s visit with my Daddy ”¦ and was glad to be. It was not an imposition at all. I also had household help for cleaning, a hospice aide for help with his personal care, and the neighbors and the church brought in enough food to feed an army, so I actually had to do little cooking. I was also able to take the breaks needed by caregivers to “just get away,” so it was, given the nature of the situation, ideal. When he finally passed away, he was ready to go and we were also ready to let him go, we did our grieving together.
So there are instances when we completely shut down our own lives to give care to another and that is perfectly okay. But when we are asked to do something though and we do not want to do it, we resent doing it, then we need to ask ourselves if saying “yes” to someone else means saying “no” to ourselves.
Resentment
When we give time, effort or money to someone and we resent doing it ”¦ when someone comes to “borrow” money and you know they will never repay it, and you want to say “no” but you are afraid of hurting their feelings or you feel trapped one way or another into “having” to “loan” them the money, then you are saying “NO” to yourself.
Even if the “cause” is good, such as a charity, but you don’t want to donate, yet you feel guilty for not donating, then you are “saying yes to others, and no to yourself.”
Someone said once that “No” is a complete sentence. That’s actually pretty profound if you think about it. We are all adults, and we know how to say the word “no,” but many times we won’t say it for fear of hurting someone else’s feelings, or feeling guilty for saying it.
Some people seem to know how to push your buttons to get you to do things for them, give them things, or allow them to literally walk on your back and you keep saying “yes” to them when you really want to scream “NO!” Sometimes we say “yes” many times and the resentment builds up (as it always will when you want to say “no” and instead say “yes.”) and eventually the resentment builds so high that one day they demand that you do such and such and you “explode!” You give them the tongue lashing that you’ve wanted to give them ever since you said “Yes” the last 15 or 20 times when you wanted to say “No” instead.
Enabling
Saying “yes” when you want to say “no” is a form of what many people will call enabling, doing for others what they should be doing for themselves. Taking responsibility for others’ needs when they are perfectly capable and able to meet these needs themselves. That kind of saying “yes” causes resentment. Me saying “yes, I’ll take care of you” to my stepfather didn’t cause resentment because I loved him, and I knew that he could not meet those needs himself. I was glad to provide them. Taking the egg donor to town every Monday, and ONLY on Monday when it wasn’t necessary and when she could have hired a driver, when I had serious business to transact, that would have been enabling.
I’m learning to say “no” to people now when I want to say “no,” and “yes” when I don’t mind saying “yes.” It takes practice and patience with ourselves but it makes life so much more peaceful when you have the courage and ability to say “no” and know that by doing so, if the person you say “no” to gets upset, you don’t care. It is okay for someone to be upset with you. It is perfectly okay to say, “No, I’d rather not do that, but thank you for asking.”
Stargazer, I am American, actually. You must have me confused with someone else. I grew up in California 🙂
I cannot even afford a plane ticket to…Belgium….at the moment, let alone back to Cali. Those are expensive!
Japan is nice, but just keep in mind that living expenses are very high. The best countries for putting a lot of money in savings are South Korea and Japan. Next would be China, Saudi Arabia, and Turkey. Saudi Arabia is actually where the best salaries are, but it’s Saudi Arabia! And it’s hard for women to get jobs there.
Panther,
Ouch, that’s a very bad situation to be in. “Freelance” jobs are the worst position to be in in European social wellfare situations. A priori in EU countries if they want you to work as “freelancer” while you’re doing an employee job, then you’re fucked, if they don’t give you enough job to cover expenses + taxes.
I don’t know the German system exactly, except that it’s even stricter than the Belgian one when it come to unemployment help. But I’ll explain the Belgian one, and you’ll get an idea.
You’re either employed by a boss (officially) or self-employed (freelance, business owner). When you’re employed by a boss, you get paid throughout including holidays, and taxes are taken off your wages before your paycheck. So in application discussions about wages, you usually discuss the full wages (without tax detraction), approximately based on what you wish and should be earning after taxes are detracted. IF you have worked long enough in employment (at least 1 year, and so have paid taxes on your wages for at least 1 year) and have evidence of having been laid off, you have the right to unemployment fees (in Belgium we get those from a union… so you need to be syndicated in order to get unemployment). Even if you work only part-time (like myself right now), you have a right to an extra unemployment boost up to a certain treshhold.
A self-employed person does NOT have a right to unemployment financial aid, and holidays are on your own dime. Taxes is a big shit too… because you have to pay them in periods AFTER you got paid (those aren’t wage taxes, but VADs… taxes the consumer are supposed to pay to the state, but they do it via the self-employed person who then pays it to the state). They also need to pay another sum for social services, also in periods… to preserve minimal health service for self-employed people. So, if a self-employed person doesn’t earn enough to live and pay those taxes (VAD and service) then they grow debts towards the state.
If you actually own a business it kinda makes sense… it doesn’t though for freelance employment. There you are dependent upon a boss who’s regarded by the system as a customer of yours. You don’t get lay-off evidence, if they’re on holiday you get zip, and if you’re only part time you get zip extra either. Worse, if you’re totally out of a job you don’t have a right to unemployment money. Then the sole thing to fall back on is wellfare (in Belgium that’s about 400-500€ a month for a single person without children). But as long as you work and are officially still self-employed you don’t have a right to that either.
Nope, stargazer, foodstamps is an unknown concept in the EU. There’s either wellfare or unemployment. And if the German system is close to the Belgian one, then that means Panther falls by the wayside for financial state support (in food stamps or money wise).
There would be charities though, for food, legal aid, etc… And if you’re in shit in Belgium, like Panther’s in Germany, then one of the first things to contact is a union organisation. Usually the unions for teachers are extensively built out. Panther seek one out to contact them about your issue. At least they can give you some practical information where to go, find a new or extra position, etc… And I’m sure they’ll be very interested in learning the practices of your “boss”. Almost ALL schools are subsidzed by the state (including private ones) here, certainly for the wages of the teachers (whether I’d teach at a private Catholic School or a State’s school, it’s the state that would be paying my wages directly from Brussels). So, it would be impossible for schools to hire you as a freelancer, nor do they have an interest in doing that. There are a few private schools though, that fall outside that system and have to pay from their own funding… those are usually schools that do not follow the minimal teaching curriculums (Yewish schools, The American school)… Guess at which schools I don’t apply?
And now stargazer has her answer: I’m the one from Belgium 🙂 Panther, I’m very sorry you ended up in this fake-employment situation, because that’s basically what it is. I advize you to go to a union and find other employment ASAP. You’re more secure in earning wages by working in a pub than the situation you’re in now.
I am gonna try to sleep. It’s 2.33am over here!
Have a good day on the other side of the world. Thanks for all the advice Stargazer.
darwinsmom, I was just about to sign off when I saw your message. Thank you for that!!! I’ve been researching, and it sounds like German and Belgian law are VERY similar. IF he was giving me full-time hours, I’d be okay. But this is a joke. I read up on what constitutes an “employee” versus a “freelancer” relationship, and in every single way, I fit the description of an employee. Even the contract is written like an employment contract with the words “freelance” on the front page. It’s nonsense.
I wasn’t sure if I should look for a union or a lawyer first, but on your advice, I’ll look for a union. I bet they know lawyers.
I’m not the only teacher he is doing this too. My co-worker, who just arrived, told me his weekly food budget is 20 euros. Yeah, that’s about right. That’s mine, which means…well…very little food, if anything. And I have a student loan back in the States to pay every month that refuses to let me defer it at the moment. They are a “private” loan, so they don’t care if I am homeless, they want their money and my mom is a co-signer, so I have to send her 150 dollars every month, or else they come after her.
I’m really pissed, darwinsmom, because I know that he knows what he’s doing. If I get in touch with a union and they get a court to look at this, he will get slapped with back taxes for all the money he didn’t pay them, plus he’ll have to give me a paid 4-week holiday. That should be enough time to find a new job without the burden of teaching!!!
I don’t know how anyone with an ounce of integrity can recruit people from other countries to move their entire life to Germany and then pay them an amount of money that puts them on the LOWER end of the poverty scale. I made more money as a waitress when I was 16, and back then I didn’t have a university degree, a TEFL, and 4 years of teaching experience!!! All I asked him for was 25-30 hours per week to keep my head above water. He kept saying it would happen, and guess what? Now he will wish he had just done that, because back taxes will suck if that really happens.
I’ll look for unions this weekend. Thank you so much for the info.
I really must crash out. Good night.
20€ sheesh, no wonder you’re going hungry. I only buy the cheapest brands I can find here on food and meat and meals that are on sale (50% priced off)… the food has less preserves in it, but I buy just enough for 2-3 days and the extra I keep in the freezer… but at its cheapest, the budget is around 7-10€ a day if I only buy in the supermarket.
A tip on finding cheap food: look for brands by the supermarket (they’re usually cheaper than the normal brands). ALDI brand is one of the cheapest supermarkets out there… for 20 € you could buy food that last you about 4 days. But Delhaize (expensive supermarket) has a brand that’s cheaper even called 365… but the food has no preserves in it. As long as I don’t buy more than I need for 2-3 days per time and eat it in those days, I don’t have to throw anything away. Preserves are bad anyway. For vegetables: go to a specialised fruit and vegetable shop of a Turk. They’re usually the cheapest places to buy veggies and fruit, and the market too. Find out in your community where they have ALDI, Turkish vegetable shops and on which day there’s a market.
For water: tap water is drinkable. I don’t buy water, I just drink it from the tap.
Here are the German websites for ALDI
http://www.aldi-nord.de/
http://www.aldi-sued.de/
Delhaize group sold their holding to REWE in Germany in 2009
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/REWE
As for unions… most often the strongest ones are
a) the Christian affliliated union
b) the social democratic affiliated union
Darwinsmom, you are the one from Belgium??? Wow, I’m having a blonde moment here…….lol
Panther, I’ll be the American Embassy would help you. Isn’t stuff like this pretty much what they’re for?
Oxy,
Great article! I have always had the same problem as everyone else on this thread- saying no.
For most of my life I tried to please and appease everyone, but looking back I can say almost nobody reciprocated.
Being told ‘Tis better to give than receive” has been my lifelong motto, but its not about receiving at this point in my life.
Like you said, Oxy, its about giving to OURSELVES. It is so much clearer now. I have actually used this a few times since coming on Lovefraud 2 months ago. I’d love to share my examples:
A “friend” who has taken advantage of me for 9 years (money, favors, food, time and energy) without once giving back, even when I asked for her help, has been asking me to bake her big fancy cakes for a very long time. I love to bake and decorate cakes so I never said no to her or anyone else and never charged a dime.
She tells all her friends about my “free cakes” and tells them I’m a retard on top of that because I don’t charge. This was not something I wanted to do- make free elaborate expensive cakes for strangers!
Anyway, never once did she say thank you, tell me they tasted or looked good, OR returned my trays and cake holders.
To the point- she asked me to make her daughter a cake the day before her birthday a month ago and I said no, don’t have time. She put me on a huge guilt trip and called the next day requesting a cake in advance for her coworkers baby shower. I said no, I’m done making cakes, I’m over it. She hasn’t called since.
I feel wonderful, though. I can do without friends like that. Its very liberating to say no for the right reasons. 🙂
Dear Woundlicker,
When we win a big o ne like that we get a TOWANDA!!!!! which is the LF cry of a big WIN! GOOD FOR YOU! Not only did this mooch mooch off you but she CROWED about what an idiot you were for being so nice and not charging for your work or materials.
She thought she had a good thing going there and I guess she did, but I doubt that you will hear from this “friend” again! So you have not lost a THING, NOT a thing.
Doesn’t it feel GOOD to stand up for yourself? To say NO to these people who would mooch off you, use your good nature and your inability to say no? “GUILT TRIP” you because you wouldn’t make a cake for her daughter’s birthday the day before. TELL HER TO GO TO WAL MART, THEY SELL THEM. Or a bakery.
I’m soooo proud of you!!!! TOWANDA again!!!!!
Thank you! And yeah- I got my first TOWANDA! 🙂
On another subject near and dear to all of us here, forgiveness. This “friend” was the one who talked bad about me and tried to lie to our then boss about me. This was to get me fired in order to save her job, but the truth came out and she was fired. After that she said it was my duty to forgive her because she was closer to God than I was (?!).
I did forgive her in the traditional definition of the word, which at the time (years before even the ex spath slithered into my life) was the only definition I had of forgiveness. Foolishly I let her keep taking advantage of me, maybe convinced she was holier than Thou.
Anyway, got her and the ex spath out of my life and thanks to this website I feel myself healing and getting stronger. Thank you and God bless you all!
Dear Woundlicker,
That is FUNNY, you had to “forgive her because she was closer to God that you were?” LOL ROTFLMAO that is toooo funny! She lied. She tried to get you fired and SHE was closer to God that you were? Now that is egomania for sure!
Well, she is not worth the time or effort to be bitter about. Just be glad that you are NOT HER. Think of how miserable she must be.
You deserve a big towanda and I’m proud to have given it to you! (((hugs))) and God bless.