By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
I guess I am making a “confession” here of being a wimp, or maybe an enabler, for the majority of my life. But when people would ask me for a “favor,” I would almost always do it, even if it meant that I had to cancel plans of my own that I would much rather have done. In other words, by saying “yes” to my friends and family, I was saying “no” to myself.
Shopping on Mondays
After my husband died I cared for my stepfather during his long battle with cancer. In fact, I cancelled my “life” and my own grieving for my husband to voluntarily be there for him. I wanted to be there for him. However, after his death and a reasonable period of time, I realized that I had put my own business interests on hold to take care of him and my egg donor, and because of that, I had lost value in several large assets that I needed to take care of before they deteriorated more and became totally valueless.
The egg donor had a habit of wanting to go to town on Monday, for no particular reason except that was the day she had always gone to town since her retirement. One Sunday, I spoke to her because I had something very important to do on the following Monday and wouldn’t be available to take her to town to grocery shop on Monday, but could take her on Tuesday. I went to her house to tell her how I had neglected my own business interests over the last 18 months and now it was time for me to get cracking and take care of these interests and that I might not be available when she wanted to go to town, unless it was an emergency of course, and then I would cancel any plans, and that I would take her anywhere she wanted to go, but we’d work around my schedule of business.
She looked at me like I had asked her to jump off the roof, and she said, “But what if I WANT TO GO TO TOWN ON MONDAY?” I was a bit taken back by the tone of her voice and the look in her eye, but I patiently re-explained that it really didn’t matter if she went to town on Monday or not, that any day was okay to grocery shop. Still she looked at me wide-eyed, that I would dare put my needs before her desires.
That was a totally unsuccessful attempt to set some boundaries and actually caused her to become so angry that she immediately started the devalue and discarding, finding the Trojan Horse Psychopath and my psychopathic daughter-in-law to do her bidding and “jump when she said frog.” Because I had said “no” to her, she would punish me and replace me.
Wanting to help
Setting boundaries with others, especially “family and close friends,” has been a challenge my entire life. But I didn’t realize it, because I didn’t even know what a “boundary” was. I lived in the expectation that I was supposed to drop everything I had planned and meet the needs of my friends and family and if they were unhappy, it was my job to “make them happy.” If I did something for myself instead of doing something for others then I was being “selfish.” Saying “yes” to the demands of others was what I was put on this earth to do.
Was I tired? Were they hungry? Well, of course I’d get up and get them something to eat, no problem. Did they need a babysitter so they could go out on the town? Well, so what if I had worked hard all week and come home to my own house full of toddlers or teenagers, I’d cancel my plans and sit for their kids ”¦ no problem.
There are times when we want to cancel our plans to do something to take care of the need of someone we love, such as when my beloved stepfather got cancer. I didn’t even hesitate to cancel my “life” to be there for him. I moved across the pasture into the spare room in my parents’ home so I would be available in case he needed me during the night (he frequently did). I “closed down” my kitchen and told my son, our hired hand, and my husband that they could come to my parents’ house to eat, and they did. I was there for every doctor’s visit with my Daddy ”¦ and was glad to be. It was not an imposition at all. I also had household help for cleaning, a hospice aide for help with his personal care, and the neighbors and the church brought in enough food to feed an army, so I actually had to do little cooking. I was also able to take the breaks needed by caregivers to “just get away,” so it was, given the nature of the situation, ideal. When he finally passed away, he was ready to go and we were also ready to let him go, we did our grieving together.
So there are instances when we completely shut down our own lives to give care to another and that is perfectly okay. But when we are asked to do something though and we do not want to do it, we resent doing it, then we need to ask ourselves if saying “yes” to someone else means saying “no” to ourselves.
Resentment
When we give time, effort or money to someone and we resent doing it ”¦ when someone comes to “borrow” money and you know they will never repay it, and you want to say “no” but you are afraid of hurting their feelings or you feel trapped one way or another into “having” to “loan” them the money, then you are saying “NO” to yourself.
Even if the “cause” is good, such as a charity, but you don’t want to donate, yet you feel guilty for not donating, then you are “saying yes to others, and no to yourself.”
Someone said once that “No” is a complete sentence. That’s actually pretty profound if you think about it. We are all adults, and we know how to say the word “no,” but many times we won’t say it for fear of hurting someone else’s feelings, or feeling guilty for saying it.
Some people seem to know how to push your buttons to get you to do things for them, give them things, or allow them to literally walk on your back and you keep saying “yes” to them when you really want to scream “NO!” Sometimes we say “yes” many times and the resentment builds up (as it always will when you want to say “no” and instead say “yes.”) and eventually the resentment builds so high that one day they demand that you do such and such and you “explode!” You give them the tongue lashing that you’ve wanted to give them ever since you said “Yes” the last 15 or 20 times when you wanted to say “No” instead.
Enabling
Saying “yes” when you want to say “no” is a form of what many people will call enabling, doing for others what they should be doing for themselves. Taking responsibility for others’ needs when they are perfectly capable and able to meet these needs themselves. That kind of saying “yes” causes resentment. Me saying “yes, I’ll take care of you” to my stepfather didn’t cause resentment because I loved him, and I knew that he could not meet those needs himself. I was glad to provide them. Taking the egg donor to town every Monday, and ONLY on Monday when it wasn’t necessary and when she could have hired a driver, when I had serious business to transact, that would have been enabling.
I’m learning to say “no” to people now when I want to say “no,” and “yes” when I don’t mind saying “yes.” It takes practice and patience with ourselves but it makes life so much more peaceful when you have the courage and ability to say “no” and know that by doing so, if the person you say “no” to gets upset, you don’t care. It is okay for someone to be upset with you. It is perfectly okay to say, “No, I’d rather not do that, but thank you for asking.”
sky – true to them all. the spath didn’t see me, i was just a person she snared in her game, who she could feed from.
i am trying to swear less about her. i am trying to let go.
edited to add: some folks here didn’t think my relationship with the spath was real because it wasn’t 3D. Over time everyone has come to say, well, our relationships weren’t ‘real’ either.
it’s unfortunate that Fifth Estate shows can’t be watched in the US. The show they did recently about liars was amazing – lots of poisoning spaths out there (google “Melissa Ann Stewart”). thank god you survived.
One joy,
It doesn’t matter the nature of the relationship – the effect on you was the same – the emotional investment, the con, the betrayal that you never saw coming…the feelings are the same. Similar for me – I only dated my ex spath for 2-1/2 months. During that time, I actually only “saw” him maybe 5 or 6 times. It still took a long time to get over it – the devastation was just so complete. I think the relative pain caused has more to do with our emotional investment than the actual nature of the relationship (by phone, in person, in fantasy, etc.). To me it’s a sign that I was investing too much of myself into someone I hardly knew, ultimately, because I had so many unmet needs that I put them all on him. Not loving myself, and not feeling complete in myself, I was still the little girl “waiting” for my father’s love. He came along and promised it. This is what I am still working with and still trying to clear. Until I can do it, I know I will always invest too much into my romantic interests – either that or keep them at a distance for fear of investing too much.
Hi all,
It is difficult for any of us to get validation for these MOST bizarre experiences. But I can imagine how hard it would be for the general and inexperienced public to understand how a relationship could be developed over the internet, that could have such devastating effects.
We all understand. But I don’t think most people ever will.
And I second Stargazer’s comments that after we strip all the ‘context’ of our experiences with these freaks away, it is just plain difficult to get people to understand how they can do what they do. I also had short-lived (multiple times) relationships. It was really hard for most people to understand how so much damage could take place in such little time.
I have been thinking, as of late, less about how I was hurt
BY the spath and more about how it hurt to wake up to the reality of what they are, and what they do in the world. Waking up, after living in a kind of state of delusion about how the world really works (just, eqalitarian, fair), who I ‘needed’ to be (good, kind, forever giving) has been very painful.
Yes the betrayal and lies and humiliation has been difficult and dreadful. But, for me, HAVING to wake, fully, and face the truth about the rotten bad people in the world has caused some (if not most) of my pain, fear, and despair. I say HAVING in caps because I feel like I fought against this awakening awareness. Kept burying it, and trying to find ‘different’ answers to what I was dealing with. I did this for decades. About my family, and my run-ins with spaths, out in the world.
This last run-in I found I could no longer reach for these alternate explanations. And that, that hurt like hell. It was SO scary and so disappointing. Deflating.
It certainly lifted- the despair and dread and fear, when I accepted ‘reality’ being what it is, and found an inner place of strength about this ‘knowingness’. I know the truth about spaths, their effects on personal relationships and the world. No one can talk me out of knowing the truths about this ‘evil’ in the world. And now, instead of feeling isolated about knowing this stuff, I feel empowered by it.
I am, in a sense, grateful for this knowledge. And feel released from the prison of my past.
I don’t know if this is helpful for others’ here, but it helped me a lot when I realized I was, at a point, placing the blame for my own psychological growing pains onto the spath. Not initially. We all have to process the actual ACTS the spath perpetrates on our lives. I am not suggesting otherwise. But I kept holding on to the details, and refeeling the shame of it all, until I could no longer tolerate the rehashing.
When I reached a place of intolerance, I felt (almost) forced to shift my focus from the events, back to my own process, and the ownership of my new world view.
Hope this doesn’t make anyone feel bad, or like they should have my experience. It is mine….but I hope it sheds some light into my healing and perhaps resonate for someone here.
Much love, Slim
Panther ~ Please let us know how you are. I am worried about you.
((((Milo))))
I watched a movie last night and wept and wept….which I haven’t done watching a movie in a long time. It was “Shadowland” with Anthony Hopkins and Debra Winger about C. S. Lewis’ great love story with his wife Joy, only finding out that he loved her as she was diagnosed with fatal cancer…and how he came to see the love and the pain of her coming loss together.
Life is NOT fair. People are not all good. There is Not good down in every person. It does not take two to fight. There are not too (valid) points of view in every question. It is painful to accept that.
However, all together, we must like C. S. Lewis, know that even if we do find “true love” that eventually, one way or another, it will end…even if only in death. In the end, we have only OURSELVES and if we are not happy and complete in ourselves, then we too are empty.
I realized only after he was gone that I had put too much of my happiness on to my husband and when he was gone, I was empty, and allowed the psychopathic boy friend to enter my life with the promise that HE would “make me happy.” Well, of course we know how THAT turned out. LOL
After the BF was gone I felt bereft of purpose, of happiness, and felt “oh, woe is me, I’ll be alone forever!” But then I started to think about how we are really all “alone” and how we must be content within ourselves, happy within ourselves, and IF PER CHANCE we find another happy person to share this happiness with, WONDERFUL but if not, that we are still content and happy.
In the movie, C. S. Lewis was content, was happy, but he found someone to SHARE that happiness with, and even when he lost her through death…he still had his own happiness to fall back on, and the memory of the SHARED happiness. It’s worth seeing. Anthony hopkins is a fantastic actor and the story is wonderfully uplifting and exciting.
slimone,
I can relate to what you wrote. In fact, you articulated for me why I feel more resentment toward my parents than I do the spath. They were supposed to protect me from people like him. My parents were supposed to prepare me to survive the evil in this world, but instead they prepared me to fall into the trap. The ex-spath, on the other hand, is the REASON I know what I know. I’m grateful to him for teaching me what my parents refused to do, even if he did it with evil intent.
When you are able to feel that you have gained more from a spath encounter, than what you lost, I think that’s when you stop feeling resentment. With my parents, I’m still feeling so much loss. They still pretend to love me. It seems so strange but these spaths are firmly attached to their masks. One day, I will find whatever wisdom I am supposed to learn from having spath parents and then I will thank them and forgive them too.
Oxy,
thanks for that recommendation, on the movie. It sounds good.
Skylar,
There is something I am doing now, didn’t know because of my learning with exspath.
I never said no to people, and people including all family members have taken advatnage, including ex-spath and his mother.
Now when my parents need my help yet again, thye want me to take care of them, reason I don’t have spouse, who can object their presence in my house, second they said you will knwo how to care for them.
My sudden reaction was, NO, I am not emotionaly, physically and financially take care two more very needy people, when I need to care for two childre, job, household and my health. I have other siblings, who have two salaries, no responsibilities no worry, huge houses.
My mother forgot in a moment, that I took care of them all the time in the past, said Oh you are washing your hands with us, I said no I know what can I do and what I can’t, I will be there to help, but can’t have you in my house, I have no space and energy….
This was shocking to all my siblings and parents, but I truly don’t have space in my universe for more challanges….. I knwo I earned a many black bitter cookies due to my this action.
Milo, I am okay right now. My January paycheck came through so I was able to stock up on food and get in a real meal. I had to actually eat slowly, cause my stomach started getting weird that I was eating real food and so much of it. But my energy is back and my mood has stabilized. It’s hard enough dealing with this PTSD and then to throw that on top, I just had a complete meltdown.
Ultimately, I need to find a new job, asap. There is no sense trying to convince my boss that he should stop doing what he’s doing. I’ve told him 3 times already that the income I make is not even enough to properly eat. It doesn’t change a thing. I’ll look for a new job and contact a workers union.
In the meantime, thank you darwinsmom for those recommendations. I actually do shop at Aldi, Penny, and Rewe, but I find Rewe rather expensive. It’s also a bit tricky, because I cannot eat gluten, so I either have to go without bread or fork out about 2.50euros for something gluten free.
I’ll let you know if/when I find a new job. It’s the wrong time of year to be looking for a teaching position, since all the schools are underway, but I absolutely MUST find a new one, so I’ll scour until something works.
I had a good face-to-face with Alex today and we found a common ground with all this.
Stargazer, the American Embassy would likely just put me on a plane back to the USA, and in the USA I’d be at square one with no job, no car, and no place to live. I’d have to live with my sister in Wyoming in the middle of nowhere with a population of 500. I like nature, but I mean where the heck would I work?
One/Joy, hello! How are you?
Panther, wouldn’t the American Embassy help you with your contract with the school? I don’t know where I heard, but someone told me they can help with these things. I may have heard wrong.
I’m now dealing with the downside to losing weight in the last few months. All my size 8’s are falling off me. So I have been buying new clothes that fit (I’m down to a size 5). While it’s nice to be thin, it’s really expensive. I’m feeling a little guilty because there are so many other things I need the money for, too. I can’t say that the weight loss makes me feel much better about myself, but I’m still glad I made the lifestyle change. I hope it sticks for the rest of my life.
Sky, it is easier for me to forgive anyone besides my parents. Of course your parents are going to push your buttons even when no one else does, because, well….they INSTALLED the buttons. I do believe it’s possible to get through all the betrayal of narcissistic parents. I’m not completely there yet, but I think it’s possible. I at least have some hope lately that I have some control over the process. For most of my life, I thought it was hopeless and that I was destined to be unhappy.