By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
I guess I am making a “confession” here of being a wimp, or maybe an enabler, for the majority of my life. But when people would ask me for a “favor,” I would almost always do it, even if it meant that I had to cancel plans of my own that I would much rather have done. In other words, by saying “yes” to my friends and family, I was saying “no” to myself.
Shopping on Mondays
After my husband died I cared for my stepfather during his long battle with cancer. In fact, I cancelled my “life” and my own grieving for my husband to voluntarily be there for him. I wanted to be there for him. However, after his death and a reasonable period of time, I realized that I had put my own business interests on hold to take care of him and my egg donor, and because of that, I had lost value in several large assets that I needed to take care of before they deteriorated more and became totally valueless.
The egg donor had a habit of wanting to go to town on Monday, for no particular reason except that was the day she had always gone to town since her retirement. One Sunday, I spoke to her because I had something very important to do on the following Monday and wouldn’t be available to take her to town to grocery shop on Monday, but could take her on Tuesday. I went to her house to tell her how I had neglected my own business interests over the last 18 months and now it was time for me to get cracking and take care of these interests and that I might not be available when she wanted to go to town, unless it was an emergency of course, and then I would cancel any plans, and that I would take her anywhere she wanted to go, but we’d work around my schedule of business.
She looked at me like I had asked her to jump off the roof, and she said, “But what if I WANT TO GO TO TOWN ON MONDAY?” I was a bit taken back by the tone of her voice and the look in her eye, but I patiently re-explained that it really didn’t matter if she went to town on Monday or not, that any day was okay to grocery shop. Still she looked at me wide-eyed, that I would dare put my needs before her desires.
That was a totally unsuccessful attempt to set some boundaries and actually caused her to become so angry that she immediately started the devalue and discarding, finding the Trojan Horse Psychopath and my psychopathic daughter-in-law to do her bidding and “jump when she said frog.” Because I had said “no” to her, she would punish me and replace me.
Wanting to help
Setting boundaries with others, especially “family and close friends,” has been a challenge my entire life. But I didn’t realize it, because I didn’t even know what a “boundary” was. I lived in the expectation that I was supposed to drop everything I had planned and meet the needs of my friends and family and if they were unhappy, it was my job to “make them happy.” If I did something for myself instead of doing something for others then I was being “selfish.” Saying “yes” to the demands of others was what I was put on this earth to do.
Was I tired? Were they hungry? Well, of course I’d get up and get them something to eat, no problem. Did they need a babysitter so they could go out on the town? Well, so what if I had worked hard all week and come home to my own house full of toddlers or teenagers, I’d cancel my plans and sit for their kids ”¦ no problem.
There are times when we want to cancel our plans to do something to take care of the need of someone we love, such as when my beloved stepfather got cancer. I didn’t even hesitate to cancel my “life” to be there for him. I moved across the pasture into the spare room in my parents’ home so I would be available in case he needed me during the night (he frequently did). I “closed down” my kitchen and told my son, our hired hand, and my husband that they could come to my parents’ house to eat, and they did. I was there for every doctor’s visit with my Daddy ”¦ and was glad to be. It was not an imposition at all. I also had household help for cleaning, a hospice aide for help with his personal care, and the neighbors and the church brought in enough food to feed an army, so I actually had to do little cooking. I was also able to take the breaks needed by caregivers to “just get away,” so it was, given the nature of the situation, ideal. When he finally passed away, he was ready to go and we were also ready to let him go, we did our grieving together.
So there are instances when we completely shut down our own lives to give care to another and that is perfectly okay. But when we are asked to do something though and we do not want to do it, we resent doing it, then we need to ask ourselves if saying “yes” to someone else means saying “no” to ourselves.
Resentment
When we give time, effort or money to someone and we resent doing it ”¦ when someone comes to “borrow” money and you know they will never repay it, and you want to say “no” but you are afraid of hurting their feelings or you feel trapped one way or another into “having” to “loan” them the money, then you are saying “NO” to yourself.
Even if the “cause” is good, such as a charity, but you don’t want to donate, yet you feel guilty for not donating, then you are “saying yes to others, and no to yourself.”
Someone said once that “No” is a complete sentence. That’s actually pretty profound if you think about it. We are all adults, and we know how to say the word “no,” but many times we won’t say it for fear of hurting someone else’s feelings, or feeling guilty for saying it.
Some people seem to know how to push your buttons to get you to do things for them, give them things, or allow them to literally walk on your back and you keep saying “yes” to them when you really want to scream “NO!” Sometimes we say “yes” many times and the resentment builds up (as it always will when you want to say “no” and instead say “yes.”) and eventually the resentment builds so high that one day they demand that you do such and such and you “explode!” You give them the tongue lashing that you’ve wanted to give them ever since you said “Yes” the last 15 or 20 times when you wanted to say “No” instead.
Enabling
Saying “yes” when you want to say “no” is a form of what many people will call enabling, doing for others what they should be doing for themselves. Taking responsibility for others’ needs when they are perfectly capable and able to meet these needs themselves. That kind of saying “yes” causes resentment. Me saying “yes, I’ll take care of you” to my stepfather didn’t cause resentment because I loved him, and I knew that he could not meet those needs himself. I was glad to provide them. Taking the egg donor to town every Monday, and ONLY on Monday when it wasn’t necessary and when she could have hired a driver, when I had serious business to transact, that would have been enabling.
I’m learning to say “no” to people now when I want to say “no,” and “yes” when I don’t mind saying “yes.” It takes practice and patience with ourselves but it makes life so much more peaceful when you have the courage and ability to say “no” and know that by doing so, if the person you say “no” to gets upset, you don’t care. It is okay for someone to be upset with you. It is perfectly okay to say, “No, I’d rather not do that, but thank you for asking.”
Star,
It’s just that you read the story of cinderella and snow white and you imagine that only the wicked STEP mother hates her step daughter. When you read in the paper about a mother like the freak who raised David Pelzer who wrote, “A boy called it”, you think that these types of parents are few and far between. Then you open your eyes and see that people do what they think they can get away with doing. My mother didn’t think she could get away with throwing me in the basement, like David Pelzer’s mom. My mom was actually very motherly, most of the time. But she didn’t like me. She wanted me to suffer. She still does.
Before I realized what she was, I was crying and upset about finding out about the spath and I said, “It’s as if I was born to suffer.” Her reply? “Yes, you’re right, it does seem that way.” WTF?
Star – you said: ‘I think the relative pain caused has more to do with our emotional investment than the actual nature of the relationship (by phone, in person, in fantasy, etc.).’
i fully agree.
the spath seduced me. i am not easy to seduce. but as she is a spath, i am sure it wasn’t that hard for her. (in the very early days i saw her make ‘adjustments’ to her fake boy character when i didn’t respond to some of his fake traits…but that’s off topic.)
my emotional investment was extreme with the n ex also. i had gone too long alone and lonely.
Sky – had another revelation (this was a taking a walk revelation, as opposed to a standing at the stove revelation) about the dysfisses(dysfunctionals) in my life.
I was thinking about my dad. His parents helped him to set up his farm with money, cattle and equipment. He would not help me and the money he stole from me came from those same parents. I realized today that he is a JEALOUS creature. Not only did he want my money, he didn’t want me to have it.
he embodies each of the 7 cardinal sins.
Hi Panther – I haven’t been on the blog, didn’t realize that you were having so much trouble. Very very sorry to hear it. I think you should go live with henry and his dogs in the boonies. 🙂
Remember my talking to you about the DWB groups – if you can connect with them, they may be a good support system.
I am pretty good – going through big changes and dealing with a lot. some of it well, some of it i am sleepwalking through.
take good care of yourself.
best,
one joy
One Joy,
he sounds like my sister. If his parents spoiled him, he is not likely to spoil you. He is accustomed to being treated royally and expects everything to be about him.
Sky, I didn’t understand what you meant about me thinking that only the wicked stepmother hates her stepdaughter. Narcissism comes in lots of flavors. There are many who regard my mother as kind and nice and funny. Some of my friends loved her. Did you mean to say that it’s easier to forgive something when it’s very blatant and in your face?
I will try also try to clarify what I meant – that is, that things happen to us (or don’t happen as they should). It’s not the events themselves that cause us emotional pain, but the meaning we assign to those things, and the decisions we make based on those things. Though we can’t change our parents, or what they did, or what they do, we can change our life scripts because WE are the ones who wrote the scripts. I don’t know if that makes any sense. It doesn’t matter if our parents were the nice, sweet spaths wearing very heavy masks, or run-of-the-mill narcissists, or mentally ill or whatever they were. We still have the capacity to get beyond that. Having these kinds of parents is not a life sentence to suffer. It is only if you base your happiness on whether they “get it” or not, or whether they change. I don’t know if that makes any sense.
Star,
I didn’t mean YOU, I meant the collective “you” as in us, we, any of us. Sorry I wasn’t clear.
Your post made total sense.
You said that in the past you felt that you were destined to be unhappy. I did too. I thought it was my fate and when I mentioned it to my mother, SHE AGREED. I finally understood that SHE had programmed me with that idea and she had done it on purpose, step by step, day after day. Then my spath finished the job for her. He used the EXACT SAME TACTICS.
Poverty. we were always too poor for me to have what I wanted.
Suffering. they always point out how much they suffer for us.
Fear. always be afraid, there’s always a reason to be afraid.
Envy. look at what other people have and you don’t.
Their is always an underlying current of drama. Not hysterics, but more like a tragic air about them. “look how life isn’t fair”. They do resort to hysterical screaming but not every day.
It was only when I heard her AGREE with me that I got this realization that SHE was at the root of that feeling.
It’s very similar to Oxy’s story of caring for her egg donor and then the egg donor says, “But Oxy, who will care for YOU when you are old?” Nasty way to seed fear and envy. My spaths are so subtle I didn’t even notice it for 43 years.
Stargazer,
That makes sense to me cause that is exactly what I’ve had to do. My parents didn’t ever get it and they both died pretty young. So, I got myself into therapy at 25 and kept up the family of origin thang…until I got it!!
You are correct about that; we don’t have a life sentence to suffer. I know that my younger sister is still in the muck and mire of our childhood. I hardly ever think of my dead parents except to say “But for the Grace of God, Go I” It’s a nice place to be. : )
Ana, I think about my parents when I get triggered by something in the present moment. The core of the feeling usually goes back to them. But usually, once I’ve released the pain, I go back to the present moment. I can look back at my abusive upbringing and feel a lot of gratitude for the gifts my parents gave me. I was unable to do this even a few years ago – I was so stuck in resentment and hopelessness. I think the very things that are so difficult can turn into great gifts once we have seen our way clear of those things. For example, I used to blame my parents for my difficulty in making friends because we always moved so much. I never had a chance to really bond with anyone before we were moving again. But now I look back at the constant moving and realize that my intense wanderlust started back then – from all the driving across country and starting all over again. Some people are terrified to travel long distances or pick up roots and move. To me, it’s a great adventure. My parents (inadvertently) gave me that. I don’t think they would ever realize this – they were only moving because they were so empty inside that the grass always looked greener.
Also, I’ve been completely self-supporting since 16 and mostly self-supporting since 14. It was a matter of great envy for me for many years, when I saw all my friends being supported by their parents. I always resented that, and I always felt that I could have been/done so much more if I’d had even a little financial support from my parents. But now, I am very grateful that I am so self-sufficient. When the economy crashed, I landed on my feet. I know I can take care of myself in any situation. I know few people as self-sufficient as I am. I am not too proud to do any job – there is no job I haven’t done it seems like. I didn’t turn out to be a lawyer or doctor like I might have. But I think I turned out to be a pretty unique and interesting person just the same.
In this way, I have decided to turn the offenses around into blessings. This feels better to me than wallowing in what I missed out on. I will never know what I missed out on. But I don’t intend to miss out on my future by focusing on the past and letting it define me. I bump up against my limitations sometimes – where my emotional self was stunted in childhood. It is painful for me to see that – that is the most painful of all of this – to see where my growth was arrested, and how I’m trying to now pass those developmental steps at 51. I try not to focus on it too much, but just to put one foot in front of the other and ask myself, “Okay, what do I need to do next.”
Star I think it is never too late to hit those developmental steps we missed when we were kids…you are doing it at 51, I am doing it at 65, and have been for several years…I think I’m up to age 8 or 10 now! LOL