When you’re judged for believing the sociopath

When you finally realize that everything the sociopath told you was a lie, and your whole involvement was nothing but exploitation, you’re crushed. The last thing you need is people criticizing you for believing the lies —but they do. Today I’ll offer five realities to help you when you’re judged for believing the sociopath.

I know what it’s like to be judged. It just happened to me.

I’ve been talking about my marriage to a sociopathic con man for years. Three times, I’ve told my story a reality TV show. The latest series was called Love, Honor, Betray, and it recently became available on HBO Max and Hulu. My story is Episode 6 and is called, Too Good to Be True. 

I received the following email:

Hi, Donna…   saw you on Love, Honor, Betray…  during the whole thing I thought you were goofy…  goofy and silly.  The instant a “MAN” would ask me to pay our way, I would (and did once) open the door and throw him out to his next silly victim.  You were ‘silly putty’ in his hands!  (…you don’t HAVE kids, so you probably don’t know…  Silly Putty is a clay like stuff kids play with) He recognized that you were silly putty …desperate and goofy…  bet he wouldn’t bother messing with ME for longer than our first conversation.

Ouch. Even though I am well and truly over the emotional trauma caused by the sociopath, such criticism still hurts. Luckily, it only hurt briefly.

I’ve been away from my experience for decades. How do you cope when your betrayal is fresh and raw? Here are five realities to help shift your perspective so you can brush off the hurtful words and focus on your healing.

1. Sociopaths are professional exploiters and manipulators 

Sociopaths are genetically predisposed to using others, specifically due to their out-of-control drive for dominance. They start young. They spend their lives trying different manipulation strategies and, primarily through trial and error, they learn what works. If you encounter them while you’re young, you don’t have the tools to escape therm. If you meet as adults, they’ve been doing it all their lives and have perfected their strategies. If one of these slick operators targets you, you don’t stand a chance.

2. Your only flaw was being human

Most humans — the 88% of us who are not sociopaths — are biologically programmed to trust. Our bodies manufacture a hormone called oxytocin which is released during intimacy. Any kind of intimacy will trigger it — certainly sex, but even hugs or conversation. Oxytocin makes you trust the person with whom you share the intimacy. This is how the human race survived — we learned to trust each other so we could successfully live in groups. When you believe, trust and help people, you are doing exactly what humans are supposed to do. 

3. The critic is probably incredibly lucky

You don’t fall for the sociopath’s lies because you’re stupid. You believe because you are vulnerable. AARP, the American Association of Retired Persons, conducted research for years, looking for character flaws that makes people vulnerable to scams. Guess what — there aren’t any. AARP found that anyone can succumb to a scam at certain times of their lives. When people are emotional, lonely or in transition, they are vulnerable. 

Sociopaths are opportunists — if they sense vulnerability, they strike. So the person criticizing you has probably avoided a sociopath when they were going through a bad time. They didn’t escape by intelligence, it was simply luck.

4. Don’t engage with the critic — seek support from people who understand

People who have not personally experienced the manipulation of a sociopath simply do not understand how it happens. They can’t appreciate how good sociopaths are at manipulating your dreams, confusing you and wearing down your self-esteem. So when you’re criticized, it’s probably best not to engage. Instead, find people who have shared your experience and truly understand it — like other members of the Lovefraud community.

5. Focus on feeling compassion for yourself

You don’t need someone else to criticize you, because you’re already criticizing yourself. But what’s done is done. You can’t change the past — you can only work towards a better future, and it is certainly achievable.

The first step is to feel compassion for yourself. You never intended to get yourself into this mess. You were vulnerable. You encountered a shark who took advantage of your humanity. In fact, maybe this unfortunate experience can motivate you to heal the internal wounds that made you vulnerable to the sociopath. With that, you can move towards the life that you truly want.

Another email about my story

A few days after I heard from the woman calling me “silly” and “goofy,” I received an email from another of the show’s viewers. This man expressed sympathy for me and was glad that my ex didn’t physically hurt me. Then he shared his own experience of friend he knew for years, who sounded like a sociopath as well. The man eventually had to go No Contact.

This was far more indicative of the feedback I’ve received over the years, and I am grateful.

The thing to understand is that we all view what happens to others through the filter of our own experiences in life. Some people will understand what happened to us, but many won’t. So if someone criticizes you, just let it roll off you. Don’t let it affect your own recovery.