Why am I not trusting the love of my life? Part 4 of 4

Spath TalesEditor’s note: Part 2 of a series submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Laura-Marie.” Read Part 1Part 2 and Part 3. Names have been changed. 

My birthday, one year and one day after he moved in.

I asked if we could go out to celebrate, but he said we had no money.

No money? That had never stopped us for the entire year he had been there. I told him we did not need money to go out, we went out all the time with no money.

The day of my birthday, he asked if we were going out that night, but I said it didn’t sound like he wanted to, as when I tried to make plans earlier, he had no interest.

He told me he loved me and wouldn’t miss it for the world. I begged him to make his phone calls with whoever he had to call before we went out, so I wouldn’t have to sit alone in the lounge on my birthday.

He said he would try, but he had one or two calls he had to make that night.

He made love to me that night and I cried through it. It hurt so bad to know that I didn’t have him to myself.

Two days later, he left to watch Monday night football with his friends and to celebrate Bobby’s birthday. When he got home, I was already in bed.

He quietly walked in the room and placed his iHome on the nightstand. He only used this to play music from his iPhone. Why would he need this when he was watching football with his friends?

I knew he lied at that moment.

I remembered he told me that while he was still living with his wife and had a girlfriend (claimed his wife knew the marriage was over and he was dating, but he stayed with her until the kids graduated), that he would tell her that he was going to Bobby or Roger’s house, when he was staying with his girlfriend.

He was now doing it to me.

He kissed me on the cheek and said goodnight. He said it was too early to go to bed, so he was going downstairs to watch television.

He left early in the morning the next day to film an infomercial that he got after I shared the audition information with him. I had a birthday party that evening for my friend that I would go to, since he was filming until about 8 PM.

I went to the gym before the party. As I sat in the steam room, it hit me.

God spoke to me loud and clear. He was with Charlie the night before.

I thought I was losing my mind. I tried to get the thoughts out of my head.

I went to the vanity area to blow dry my hair, but the voices got louder and louder.

He was with Charlie. He was with Charlie.

I got my phone out and looked at her Facebook page. It was her birthday the night before. Of course he was with her.

What do I do???

The voices were yelling at me to call her. My head was spinning. I was going crazy. What if I was wrong? I was going to look insane.

I looked up her place of work, which was listed on her Facebook page. There were two phone numbers on the website page. I called the first number and she answered.

I got scared and hung up.

I called back again, my hand shaking so bad I could barely hold the phone. I didn’t know what to say. I told her that I thought the guy I was dating was cheating on me with her.

I asked if she was with a man last night and she told me she didn’t know me and didn’t have to tell me anything.

I begged her to just tell me the first name of her boyfriend. That was all I wanted to know. She wouldn’t tell me.

She asked how long I dated my boyfriend. I didn’t know what to say and said it hadn’t been long.

I made up a phony name and when she asked where I lived. I made up a place. She asked where I met my boyfriend and I told her I met him online.

I told her that I had been cheated on in the past and just couldn’t be in a relationship with another cheater, so I needed to know.

She said she was at work, didn’t know me, wasn’t going to tell me anything and couldn’t talk to me.

As she was about to hang up, she asked what kind of car I drove. I told her and she didn’t say anything.

I said, “That’s what he had when he saw you, right?”

She told me she had to go and hung up.

I called back the other number on the website and got a voicemail. I apologized for not telling her the truth and gave her my real name and where I lived.

I shared my boyfriend’s name and how long I had been with him.

I gave her my phone number in case she changed her mind and wanted to talk.

The phone rang a few minutes later. She said that he had been seeing her in that car and a green car for a year.

I told her they were both my cars.

She finally believed me. She told me that he had lived with her for four months, but moved out when she was having financial problems.

He told her he was leaving her home and moving to California to take care of his sick mother.

I informed her that his mother lived in Utah and wasn’t sick.

This woman moved to California, thinking he was there, in order to be closer to him, as he had no car and said he wouldn’t be able to see her often as a result.

She commuted to her job and he didn’t stop the charade. He let the lies continue.

I kicked him out that night and told him to bring my car back. He refused and said he needed it.

How dare this man think that he could take it to screw all these women and then think he deserved to keep it!

I told him I would call the police and report it stolen if he didn’t bring it back. I had to be at work at 7 AM and needed it to get to work.

He accused me of lying. The bastard lies to me for over a year and has the nerve to accuse me of lying when I wasn’t.

How much lower could he go?

Much lower. Much lower.

I asked if he moved back in with her and received an angry response that I didn’t even ask how he was doing and only cared about myself by asking if he moved back in with her.

His manipulation continued. He sent an apology email, but it wasn’t sincere.

He still continued to blame me and said he had nowhere to go now. He said he had to spend every cent he had in order to not be homeless and was still trying to find a place to live.

I knew he was lying. He was with her. They get to live happily ever after, while I live with the devastation and destruction of my soul that he had left me with.

He sent an email that I made him crazy with all my accusations that were not true, including Shane.

He still could not tell the truth.

I needed the truth. I had to find answers. Who was this man I lived with for a year? I have no idea. He was a stranger. Nothing he said was true.

I was conned. I was used. I was nothing to him, but a meal ticket.

I can’t sleep. All I can think about is falling asleep and not waking up. I can’t live with these memories anymore. Please make them go away.

Where is he? I need money to pay the American Express bill he left me with. I can’t afford it.

And all the $1000’s I spent on groceries for him. The utility bills that quadrupled after he moved in. All I think of is how much in debt I am in and how I wouldn’t be if I had that money back.

And my frequent flier miles. He couldn’t miss his father-in-law’s funeral. I had to volunteer them, but he said he would make it up with all the trips we would take together.

And when his son returned from his mission. He hadn’t seen his son in two years and cried that he may not be able to be there when he came home. Again, I had to offer them.

I could be in Hawaii on vacation if I had them back. But I gave them to him. I worked for a decade to get them. And they are gone. To the person who least deserved them.

And my cars. The miles put on them. I could never afford to buy a Jaguar ever again. 20,000 miles were put on a car that I never put more than 6000 miles a year on.

He dragged my heart, soul and mind through the mud and I’m left with nothing but financial losses.

The psychological and mental abuse was beyond anything imaginable. I couldn’t imagine doing this to someone I hated, yet he had the ability to do it do someone he lived with and claimed to love.

His soul is empty. No empathy, no compassion. Only concern for his own needs.

Shallow apologies. Meaningless. He doesn’t care what he has done. His lies continue. No real signs of repenting as he claims.

But he says I need to repent to be healed of my pain. Why do I need to repent? All I did was give my heart and soul to this man. I did nothing wrong.

At least I thought I did nothing wrong. I was so wrong to allow this man in my life.

A con man. I lived with a con man.

I began doing online searches to find where he was. I thought it was a waste of the $9.95 that I spent and couldn’t afford, because none of the address were current.

But it listed social profiles as well. OK Cupid? I met him on Plenty of Fish and caught him on

I did a search by his age, location and height. Bingo. He had an online profile looking for casual sex. Things can get worse.

How many women did he sleep with? Did I catch something? I got an infection and urinated pure bright red blood two days after he moved in.

I know he had sex with her the day he moved out and had sex me later the same day. I had no idea at the time.

But casual sex? AIDS? Herpes? How could he do this?

I’m sick. I don’t want to live. This man is evil. Shane Lee. I know he was with her. I need to know the truth.

I can’t find her though. I emailed Tammy and begged her for the truth, but she forwards the email to him.

He emails me and asks why I contacted her and I told him I was seeking the truth, something he hadn’t given me.

He admitted he lied about Shane, but only tells a half truth. He was “in touch” with Shane.

His word games. The manipulation. He won’t stop it. She called and texted him every day. Many times a day. Late at night. S Lee. I saw that name over and over on the phone.

He tells me he has repented and has been forgiven by God, but repenting requires confession. He still won’t be a man and tell the truth.

I asked if he took my car to see her too.

He said she met him while he was in LA for an infomercial. He didn’t come home that night and said he was staying up there because he had a meeting.

I asked if he stayed at her home and again, word games. He told me she lived with her parents. That did not answer the question, so I ask the direct question, did she stay wherever you stayed?

No answer. I got my answer.

Where was the Mormon man who treated women with the ultimate respect? He had two girlfriends and a wife.

And, I am destroyed. Psychologically, emotionally, spiritually. Never to be the same. Ever.

And he lives happily ever after.

Almost a year later, I still can’t sleep. I have a hard time leaving my house.

I lay in bed every night having flashbacks of the psychological abuse he put me through. I wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares.

There are days where I feel like I just want to end my life because I can’t go on with these flashbacks. I have flashbacks every day at the gym we worked out at together.

Will the nightmare ever go away?

I found another profile online looking for couples and men for experimentation.

I have no idea how many men and women he was with during the year he lived with me….

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Laura-Marie, gosh hon I have been reading your story over the past few days & it breaks my heart that you endured so much mental & emotional abuse from this crazy sociopath. BIG HUGS to you!! The savings Grace is that fact you have found your way to the truth and to this wonderful site Lovefraud. I know you still feel lost and feel like you will never get your old life back but I promise you will it just takes time. Lovefraud is a great place for so much support that will help you to clear your mind of the sociopaths craziness.

Our stories are very similar except mine suckered me into marrying him when I did not even want to date him or marry him or stay married to him. They are so masterful with their manipulative words and can con anyone. I am truly thankful that you ended your relationship after a year, I know you are in so much pain right now but it is a blessing that you were smart enough to end it relatively quickly because they just get worse and more blazing with their deception as the relationship goes on, I know I stayed stupidly for 12 years (12 years of hell). I know it feels like you were with him for a life time because he screw with your mind & heart everyday.

I would highly recommend that you seek counseling with a counselor who is highly knowledgeable with narcissistic abuse it really does help. Not all counselors are educated in this type of abuse so interview them by phone first before you step into their office, you can do this for free. You can call your local abuse center to see if they have an outside counselor recommendation. You also might want to think about Donna Anderson’s (creator of Lovefraud) life coaching program, she charges a min fee but it would be helpful for you to talk with someone who is extremely well educated on sociopathic abuse to guide you along your healing journey.

Journalling before bed time really does help to clear your mind and may help prevent your nightmares from recurring.

Also most victims of sociopath abuse have PTSD without even knowing it, it seems like you might fall into this category just reading your posts. According to Dr Wilson adrenal fatigue expert the biggest issue with PTSD that needs to be healed to fully recover is Adrenal fatigue. The adrenal glands regulate the body’s blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol and adrenaline levels (fight or flight mode) and over 50 hormones including all the female hormones. They are a HUGE DEAL but are often over looked by doctors as the root health issue.

Symptoms of adrenal fatigue: anxiety, depression, mood swings, sleep issues, panic attacks, racing mind, weight gain or loss, etc etc it’s a long list.

**See sites like Adreanlfatigue. org take the quiz/read/see symptoms list, DrLam. com see his symptoms list, Mialundin. com read her book (must read book) ***see her you tube videos (she talks about waking up in the middle of the night and why.

Get tested from a adrenal doctor or hormonal specialist: cortisol levels, hormonal imbalance, vitamin .mineral deficiency = all issues from a abusive relationship!!! Once you have your body balanced again your mind will be calm & balanced too. It really is the missing link to healing from a toxic abusive relationship.

During my marriage I thought my husband had cheated on me at least 8 to 12 times but had no proof. When I told my counselor this (she was highly educated on sociopath abuse) she told me that it was more like 3 to 4 times that number as this is what sociopaths do they cheat over and over. It’s quite disgusting if you think about it but it is important to keep everything in your mind real. As much as what my counselor stated was upsetting it was most likely true. My ex like your ex was constantly on the phone…all day long, every min of the day. When I finally left I found proof that he was cheating with 3 woman in 3 different states (he traveled for business weekly). I am sure he had more woman on the hook then just these 3. The way I look at these 3 woman (victims too) is they helped me to finally leave even though I never talked by phone to them or met them, opening my mind to reality was what I needed because my ex filled my mind with his manipulative, cunning. pathological lying words which I half believe but I was so warn out mentally, emotionally and physically that I just let everything go for far to long.

The best advise I can give you is do not give this guy anymore of your power…take back your power by educating yourself on his disorder, getting counseling, getting your health back and each day see something good whether it’s the trees, flowers, sun coming up or setting just something little each day. Eventually your mind will release all the stress & angst and you will see only good days again.

Wishing you all the best. Take care.

Knowledge is power. I am currently involved with a sociopath, but I’m the side chick and I keep it that way because I do know him, empirically. You must remember, we all must remember that behavior does not lie.
My dear, you will get past this and doing so is your salvation. You will be proud of yourself that you lived through this, and if this is all a game to him, you will walk out the winner.
He was able to do this to you because you are obviously an incredibly kind gal and he has been practicing the art of deception for 40 years. That is his power. And it isn’t about you, it’s about him trying to fill a void he cannot fill, like a junkie chasing after that first high.
You hang in there. You come to this site and every other if you need to and continue therapy so as to gain the tools you need to heal.
Blessed be


Hi EricA, not sure if your post here is direct to me or for Laura Marie? or both…just to let you know I am so over my ex h..the best thing I ever did was divorce the SOB and move far far away from him and his con game. I was just posting similarities for Laura Marie to know that many others have been in her emotional state and very similar situation but have been able to move beyond the nightmare and into the sunshine again with the things I posted.

EricA, I hope you break free from your sociopath as it does not matter if you are the “side chick” or the main chick..they screw with everyones mind and the longer you stay the longer it will take you to heal your mind from all the brain washing & mind control he has installed. Google “No contact rule” (Love fraud has info too) and start following that rule asap!! It’s the only way to cut the evil guy out of your life. Wishing you all the best!


Thank you for taking the time to comment. My father and step-mother were concerned about my emotional state and brought me to a psychiatrist who did diagnose me with PTSD. She put me on meds, but I didn’t want to take them. They brought me back to her and she explained that I would never be able to pull out without them. I took them for few months, but don’t like taking drugs. It took a year before I could sleep through the night for more than two hours. It has now been a little over two years now (I sent my letter in to this website a while ago). Although I don’t have nightmares and flashbacks 24/7, I do still have them on almost a daily basis, at least once a day. After I sent in the letter you read, I discovered that he had online profiles looking for sex with couples men as well for experimentation, so my level of disgust hit another level. I took the con artist to court for fraud and was awarded $22,000 last April, but haven’t received a penny from him. It is getting easier, but I think it will take a long, long time to recover from this experience.


Hi Laura-Marie, every time I read a victims story & post here at Lovefraud I just shake my head and wonder how can this happen over and over without the counseling world talking about sociopathic abuse in public. Why are generation after generation enduring so much abuse at the hands of these evil sociopath? Makes me mad that we are not told the truth from the counseling world before anyone is abused, so many could be saved from these nightmare stories if it was talked about. (just venting a little).

I am glad your story has been posted here & I am also very glad that you have filled us in on what you have dealt with during your healing journey. That is great that your Father & step mother stepped in to helping you when you were at your lowest that does not happen to often. Look into the adrenal fatigue info that I posted above it really does improve the body & mind quickly and your sleep. Sociopaths intentionally keep their victims stressed by keeping the victims adrenaline & cortisol levels high (to control the victim) eventually these high levels causes adrenal gland issues which will wreak havoc on the body and mind and it causes hormonal imbalance with over 50 hormones including all the female hormones as well and vitamin deficiency.

High levels of cortisol & adrenaline will cause a person to have sleep issues and it will cause the person to keep waking up through out the night when the adrenaline & cortisol is released by the body. We have all heard that stress is a “killer” well it is actually the adrenal glands not working correctly that causes the issues.

You will be shocked at how quickly your mind is calmed with the right hormonal balancing, vitamin/minerals (most likely progesterone). For me within days I saw a reduction of anxiety and within a month I was back towards my old self. I wish counselors would direct their patients towards this option.

Dr Amen a brain specialist and therapist has been conducted over 80,000 brain scans at his clinics says patients should try natural remedies first prior to any Rx drugs as they are more effective and not harmful to the brain. Most people do well with natural remedies. Google “DR Amen Depression and anxiety” to watch his videos on this topic and “Dr Amen PBS you tube”. He has also conducted countless studies on improving the brain and also written countless best selling books on the subject too. Obviously if anyone is on Rx meds you will need to have your doctor ween you off of them as it is very bad to just go cold turkey.

If you look into hormonal balancing check out Mia Lundin’s book dont worry about the title she used that title to catch women attention. But her book is very good at explaining hormonal balancing which by the way is no big deal just cream or pill (natural not man made). To find a good hormonal specialist google “compounding pharmacy” with your city’s name then call them for a list of doctors and/or ask your friends or/and find a adrenal fatigue doctor (or both). Plus vitamins for the adrenal glands (see adrenalfatgue. org for adrenal vitamin info or check with your local health food store.

Wow congrats on winning your settlement…you are incredibly brave to go after him in court BRAVO!! No doubt this will help other victims he encounters along his destructive path but most importantly you got your power back from him. Just wondering if you can garnish his work wages (pay check) or put a lean on his home/car/other personal property that way if he ever sells his property you have to be paid first. I have read about people doing these things to get their court awarded money. Donna Anderson here at lovefraud might have some good suggestions too as she took her ex to court and won as well but I believe he left the country before paying her. I believe you need a judge to grant these things but not sure. If you post a question about this on facebook pg One moms battle you might get good guidance.

The internet has opened the flood gates for sociopaths to con victims in high numbers. I have read here that lots of sociopaths have same sex encounters and with couples….My ex was on the net all the time and I am sure was very twisted in his deception. It’s a crazy world for sure Thank goodness both of these evil men our out of our lives. Good ridden to them!!

thank you for posting your update. Im sending out positive vibes to the universe that good things come to you each and every day. Wishing you all the best…take care.


Thanks for sharing the info on Mia Lundin and more on adrenal fatigue. For those who may feel they are sick of reading about the health approaches to recovery, I have known people who did the hormone rebalancing right and wrong. Doing it right is amazing in helping with recovery and re-experiencing strength and confidence again.


Escapefor1, Your welcome. Thank you for posting this post for others to see the health issues need to be healed too.


ps Laura Marie, I just wanted to thank you for posting your story, not an easy thing to do so you should be proud of yourself for this step in your healing journey. 🙂


I am so sorry you got snared by this low life. Of course he couldn’t return your own car, he had loaned it to HER.


Laura Marie, it breaks my heart to read about the pain and hurt that @#$%& put you through!!! It really does not seem to matter how long we were in the relationship for….the injuries are caused by any involvement we have in their lives. There were things you mentioned in your story that will help you take back your life and your sanity. YOU bought your cars….you can and will again. Hawaii??? YOU can take yourself there…Squirrel away your money and plan the fun safe future for yourself. Psychopaths do not have the tendency to be responsible. We most certainly do!!! Take back your power and your life. The same qualities that made you such a good victim will serve you well when you put them to use for yourself!!! That was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn…self love and self care. Take tender loving care of yourself. Learn your lessons well and treat yourself every chance you get to reward yourself!!! sending you love and great wishes for healing. Five years into recovery and I still have to remind myself that I can’t argue with crazy!!!!


Thank you! You are right, you can’t argue with crazy. It makes you crazy, because you can’t get through to a psychopath, no matter what you say or do.


Finding out you were the willing patsy of a love fraud is like being hit by a bus – your body parts fly everywhere, you are not just injured but shattered and splattered, and you will never be the same person, no matter how well your pieces are put back together.

Laura-Marie, my heart goes out to you. I too am faced with the aftermath of a sociopath and the perpetually lingering inability to “just move on” as my friends and family seem to think is easy. He is gone but, like with you, an abundance of pain, sadness and regret remains. By giving my trust to someone who didn’t deserve it, it feels like I can no longer trust myself.

Being the target of a con man like you see in the David Mamet films is one thing, but being the target of a love fraud is indeed another beast. It shakes you to your core, your entire belief system shifts, and you feel a paralyzing regret for your choices. You desperately want to reclaim all that you gave, but you can never get it all back. This can be a debilitating thing to realize.

I regret failing to heed the warning signs and repeatedly going back to him after promising myself I wouldn’t. I let it go on for years, he emptied my savings, racked up my credit cards and caused me endless amounts of pain and stress. I had loved him truly and gave endlessly, but he never gave anything back, never a Christmas or birthday gift and somehow managed to ruin nearly every family holiday. I’ll never get those holidays back either.

Since my decision to leave him behind a year and a half ago, I’ve gone through various stages of separation and healing but, as I’ve found, this is certainly nothing like healing from an ordinary breakup, death or any other traumatic event in life. I still feel the direct aftermath of the financial and emotional effects of him long after he’s been gone.

You, like me, should take some comfort in knowing that he probably didn’t love the other women. After all how could a man really love one woman while living with and conning another? He was not and will never be capable of love. What a pathetic existence for him.

There are a couple things I’ve learned through it all ”“

First, your con could have happened to anyone with kindness and generosity. I’d try not to take it personally, I know it’s hard.

Never ignore your instincts. You suspected all along who he was, even from the first day at the grocery store, but you distrusted your gut. I did too. If you have a nagging feeling about something don’t call yourself crazy.

Sex. If a young healthy man doesn’t want sex that’s usually a red flag. Most cerebral narcissists do not desire sex. Many sociopaths and psychopaths have strong, driving narcissist tendencies as ultimately they live their lives feeling as though they are not bound by the same morals and laws as everyone else.

Never plead with a man to be honest with you. By pleading you give him strength and give yourself false confirmation of his honesty. Any liar is a liar by nature and it’s virtually impossible for them to be truthful.

Look people in the eyes. Take a good hard look at people when they speak and you’ll find that their eyes and body language will tell you everything. Watch the Pamela Meyer TED Talk on spotting liars.

Karma. He will get his at some point. Whether now or later, his actions will come full circle. Happily ever after is most likely not how anyone will describe the rest of his life. His soul will never be fulfilled by being a liar and a parasite.

Lessons. There is something to be learned in all of it. It might not feel like it now but I know this will make us stronger.

And take comfort in knowing that you will probably never be conned by a love fraud again. You did your time and learned a huge life lesson. Good luck to you. You are never alone in your pain.


I had this list of take away lessons for you after your clusterfuck. Even though some of them are kind of funny, I’ve thought better of insulting you with what you already knew and knew from the beginning.

You write well, capturing the goony in great clips. So I know you’re intelligent and know you knew better. Your imposter was pretty transparent (And lazy: Like he couldn’t get off his butt to even pretend he was doing something other than cyber junking/sexing? At least, pretend he was less aimless than he was?)

When you lose your head like you did, you should wonder about something happening to you (or having happened to you) around the time you encountered him”. Not something about him. Whatever did happen may have triggered something else archaic but unresolved in you to leave you not your usual self. Find out about it and if you need help translating it for yourself, get a reputable psychotherapist (not therapist or counselor) to help you. It is a powerful experience to grasp what it means.

It’s amazing that you did pull the plug, despite the spell you were under”. Akin to someone in a coma struggling to save themselves. You done did it! May have been bloody . But you did it! And Amen to that: Something to learn about and appreciate is that your toad’s degree of pathology wasn’t within his control and never will be. You might want to read up on personality disorders acting out repressed experiences and feelings. It goes on despite themselves, over and over. You can see that in your toad and you can see that he’s now reduced to being just a cyber junkie doing make believe in the make believe and homeless hack. He’ll be someone’s toy boy/pool boy soon enough…And that wasn’t his dream but that is how he played it enough unconsciously to wind up there.

You’re doing aftershocks right now. The way to get away from them is to tackle: Tackle the things that you need restore or repair. Doing that brings you strength and closer to who you hope to be. It’s really about getting to be who you hope to be, isn’t it? That’s what you want. So do it; just do it: No matter that you have to grit you teeth to do it.

Something you said in Part IV about being charged to repent called up a memory and chuckle for me. It was my birthday and I was a couple states away from my goon. I got this note from him about repenting for my evil ways (in his religious period) as if he was God’s “go to” guy. In the post script, he wrote “Happy Birthday!” Huh?!? That’s regression not religion. Your toad isn’t in great shape.

One more serious thing and then a chuckle: It’s not the truth from him to know but the truth in you to respect. Namely, that this toad gave you a lot of lousy and desperate feelings. The point of taking on a partner is to enjoy them not suffer them. Love:Shmuv… That’s a notion that means just too many things. Keep it to the simple: Is this a good time? Then you can’t get away with second guessing yourself.

Finally, you’re not going to meet your next prospect for the first time with his moving van in your driveway, right?


Thank you for posting your story Laura-Marie. I feel your pain and identify with so many things in your story. I kicked my NS fiance out only two months ago after 3.5 years of being victimized. If it weren’t for my two children that I need to live for, I would not be here. Good luck to you.

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