I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ”˜what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ”˜what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did — before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me — and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say — but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty — because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself — not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be — independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today —Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
M. L.
Very eloquently put–and I can say “amen” to every word of it.
Peace and God bless.
ML:
That’s such a great message. You seem to really be fully on the other side of things, looking back. Getting to that point took me several years, last time.
Did you experience any period of time where, even though you knew better, you still held on to the dream, or mourned the dream, feeling like this person was still somehow the person you were meant to be with, even though you rationally knew better?
Anyone? I truly hate that feeling. Kind of knew going to a specific wedding over the weekend would trigger it, but hate the feeling all the same.
Thanks OxDrover, Free and LilOrphan — LilOrphan — absolutely. I had those times where I yearned for what never was because I so desperately wanted the dream of what never could be with him.
I had to make a choice — yearn for make-believe, or step into my truth today. I am an awesome woman of worth.
I chose the latter — and yup. Weddings do have the ability to trigger my self-defeating games and all my tapes in my head that undermine me.
One of the things I constantly did, especially in the beginning, was when those thoughts arose, I’d ask myself — does this thinking get me more of what I want in my life, or less?
LOL — the answer was always LESS. So, I’d let the thought flow free and replace it with something affirming — like “I am a wonderful woman of worth. I deserve a wonderful life where I feel worthy 100% of the time.” And then I’d do something that affirmed me.
ML, I think to one extent or another that all of us hang on to that dream even when we realize it is a nightmare of monstorous proportions. I know for sure that I did.
I think, for me at least, that facing that TRUTH that I was ALLOWING the abuse by remaining in the relationships, that I had too OWN THAT TRUTH, that unpleasant truth.
Sure, I didn’t deserve that treatment, they were responsible for treating me badly, but I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR ALLOWING IT.
Until I assumed my OWN part, my OWN responsibility, and MADE CHANGES IN ME, I could not break free.
Truth is painful, but it is only when we face truth and reality that we can be free.
dear every one; why did i stay. i know i stayed, i was lonley i was fed up with guys who didnt seem to care much and wanted a relationship. the s came along and he was so caring affectionate and into me it was great but after a while i saw thru him just a little and thought something was not right he was too keen almost and really in fact had very little to offer. so i broke it off very early, well he wept and seemed really hurt, he even said thank you for making him happy for the short time we had been together. i felt very bad and guilty for hurting him . anyway after being a part i missed the attention he gave me and felt overwhelming lonely i wasnt meeting any one else and i thought even though he was younger than me he just seemed to love me so much i mistook his affection for real love. so i called him and i took him back much to my detriment, and so the misadventures started. so i know i took him back and stayed with him because i was lonely and wanted to be with someone so much and being with him ended up hurting my self. now he s with a new victim and i am alone and still feel twangs of pain from time to time. i am also sure the new victim is mistaking his affection for real love as i did. so it tricks people the attention and affection they pile on so much makes us think he must really love me so how could i leave him . i feel very bad that this is probably playing out now with his new victim. it must be like a total replay of the realtionship i had with him. now i have the knowledge to see what happened but when your a new victim you have no idea what is playing out in your life. so i am still lonely at the moment but trying to make my life the best i can and be strong. but at least i am not second guessing something he tells me and wondering constantly about his behaviour lik e the new girl will . its sad but a relief for me. i do get jelous that he is with someone else and i am alone but then i think she doesnt know how ugly he can be she probably hasnt seen that side of him yet. thanks what a great blog.
ML, This blog has been extreemly helpful for me. For the past year I kept beating myself up over “Why, why, why did I stay?” For 6 long years no less. Everything you have wrote has touched me, words and thoughts I could not put together myself, for myself to get beyond the why and break the final tie that has held me back from the final stages of healing. Thank you so very much.
“I had to make a choice yearn for make-believe, or step into my truth today. I am an awesome woman of worth.
I chose the latter and yup. Weddings do have the ability to trigger my self-defeating games and all my tapes in my head that undermine me.
One of the things I constantly did, especially in the beginning, was when those thoughts arose, I’d ask myself does this thinking get me more of what I want in my life, or less?
LOL the answer was always LESS. So, I’d let the thought flow free and replace it with something affirming like “I am a wonderful woman of worth. I deserve a wonderful life where I feel worthy 100% of the time.” And then I’d do something that affirmed me. ”
Thanks for that, ML. Despite feeling like a weepy woman of witlessness, today, I know I’m a wonderful woman of worth, too.
We all are.
Today I was thinking that the reason I have so much trouble just accepting that he wasn’t real, didn’t really mean all those things is because it will result in one of two very horrible ways of thinking:
1. I will lose my faith in humanity in general, and distrust men to the point of never moving forward,
or
2. I will lose my faith in my ability to discern, my own judgment ability.
Either of those things is untenable. They would mean in the worst possible sense that I’ve lost something profound. My dad asked me a few minutes ago if I think I will ever trust another person again besides he and my kids. I said NO. Honestly, I don’t. If I see my ex as having done all this deliberately and maliciously, baiting me with a future that he never intended to happen just to break my heart, I will never trust.
Maybe that is part of why we struggle so hard to stay and to hold on to the good we think we see in them, and the love?
LilOrphan-I don’t usually put myself out there…but here goes…
You didn’t LOSE something profound, you GAINED something profound. It sucks to have learned a very hard lesson from a psychopath, but we all have and you will find that eventually, maybe not today or tomorrow, you will trust again. For me personally, little by little I am learning to trust but it comes within me, my ability to trust myself. Trust then, flows outword. I don’t know if that makes any sense…but I do know, you will trust again, in time, but it will be different because you will be able to see, from your experience if they are trustworthy or not. Rita
Jules — that is a wonderful gift you give yourself to not be in a place where you are second guessing everything he tells you.
I realized after the sociopath was gone that I was alone, but I wasn’t lonely. I was getting to know the most incredible person I will ever meet — me — because I will never know anyone else as well as I will know me. If I’m going to spend that much time with me, I figure I’d best enjoy it, revel in it, and fall in love with the person I’m getting to know!
Keep breathing Jules, the feeling of loneliness will dissipate as you fall deeper and deeper in love with you.
Thank you rperk — I appreciate your words and I’m grateful you are stepping deeper into your healing journey.
LilOrphan,
I agree with rperk — you didn’t lose something profound. Trust does begin inward — I love the way rperk expresses it.
When I first got my life back people always asked, will you ever trust someone else again. Trusting others wasn’t my issue. Trusting me, to turn up for me, to be true to me, to stand by me and uphold my values, principles and beliefs — that was my issue. I had to learn to trust in me and to believe I had the courage and strength to ‘do the right thing’ no matter the circumstances.
Trusting others is a decision. Trusting myself is a commitment I make to me.
I agree with you that sometimes we struggle so hard to say because we think their ‘good’ is what we need, was what we were looking for.
If I go back to the woman he told me I was when we met, if I’d believed I was that woman, I’d never have needed him to tell me. But, the other side of that coin is, he was mirroring back to me who I truly was. So, while he may have lied about everything he was, everything he did and would do, while he may have manipulated and decieved me, in the beginning when he told me I was wonderful — that was true! I am wonderful.
Difference is, today, I don’t need someone else to tell me. I know and respect my truth.
Something that really struck me in what you wrote as deeply profound was your acknowledgement of the two things you feared.
If I look at those two things — they are both ultimately choices I get to make. And I don’t believe anyone else should have the power to take from me two tenets that I hold as deep personal truths: 1. I have faith in humanity; 2. I am discerning human being.
You are so right LilOrphan — losing those two things is untenable — and you don’t have to lose them. Ever.
he doesn’t deserve the power nor right to take them from you. Don’t let him.
In your wisdom, in your growth since the end of that relationship you are embracing your truth — courageously and fearlessly.
when anyone asks me, will you ever trust another, I tell them — I choose to trust everyday. I trust myself to keep doing what is right and loving and caring for me and those I love. That’s a huge step for me and I’m really proud of myself for taking it. IN that step, I am teaching myself to be trustworthy. I am teaching myself how to trust.
Be bold. Be brave. Be your most incredible wonderful self — even when you’re feeling weepy and witless, you know the truth, you are a wonderful woman of worth.
Hugs,
ML
rperk and ML:
You’re both right. Knew I hadn’t lost my trust, but thinking that the reason I can’t give up on him completely had to do with the fear of one of those two outcomes. Many years ago, when we stopped seeing each other, I did lose my faith in myself. Was pretty miserable without him, actually, and blamed it all on me. I also couldn’t seem to really move on then.
Do trust myself. That’s why I had to walk away. He wasn’t treating me right and this time I wasn’t having it, wasn’t going to just sit back and allow myself to be treated that way.
But this final piece – disconnecting from the love I felt and the hope I’d had that we would eventually marry and have a real life together, accepting that he clearly didn’t mean any of it because Elvis has left the building – this is difficult.
The pain I’m feeling feels right somehow. Too much to explain, other than to say that I think I’m working myself through it rather than around it or denying it or all the many ways we use to stay mired in bad things.
Pain is okay. It’s just a sign of change, and change is ok, too.
Thanks, both of you. Helps to know you’ve been there, you’ve felt the same push and pull inside, but ultimately chose to honor yourself first and not be with someone whose actions hurt, even though you did feel love for them and wish for so much more.