I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ”˜what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ”˜what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did — before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me — and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say — but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty — because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself — not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be — independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today —Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
Brokenup: I feel for your pain and the suffering you are still going through. It will take some time. Each day is a step forward even though sometimes you feel like you’re walking through quicksand.
Because we’re empathetic people, we do want to see the good in people and it is very challenging to view someone as flawed as socios are in their true light.
It’s been almost ten months since I had to say goodbye to the man I thought I would love forever, who said I was his best friend, who said he thought we should be together and be married. I was so totally wrapped up in this person.
Almost as soon as we got together, though, I started having physical symptoms (high blood pressure, heart palipitations) and also started seeing a therapist (I had never seen one in all my years on this earth, but SOMETHING was making me see that I needed it). I stayed with the man and loved him dearly, but deep inside I knew he was not a good man.
It took several years of lots of therapy and many talks with friends before I realized what he was doing to me; what I had turned into because of my feelings for him.
He had made plans to skip the country and because he was such a coward, he would have never told me. He just would have disappeared one day without a word. I did not give him that chance. Now my town and my friends know that they were right about him and other people learn about him every day (not necessarily through me).
He is still on my mind a lot; I still “love” the person I THOUGHT he was, I just have to remember that socios create a mirror of yourself in them. It’s as if they are empty shells who look for a soul to land on (yours) and then they reflect back to you the person you want to see.
This guy turned out to be so low-class and slummy in his habits; I had no idea or I just didn’t want to see. He treated most people badly, thought people with money didn’t deserve it and he tried to get as much of it as possible, he thought only of himself, did shoddy work in his business and entertainment life, the list goes on and on. I look back at pictures of him and wonder why I didn’t see the inherent evil in him.
I just wasn’t ready. I had to learn and I did and now I’m embracing a life without that fear of loss–I can’t believe some of the things I did trying to hold on to him. It was not worth it and would never be worth it.
Hold yourself dear; you are most important now. That’s why this happened to you; it is your wake-up call. Listen carefully and know that, given time, you will be healed and whole again (or maybe for the first time). What a glorious day that will be!
OxDrover:
“Because if I don’t survive, I can’t give to anyone.”
This is perfect.
I can’t believe I found this site. You all have no idea how much it means to read your comments and finally KNOW it is not my fault! (Well, except for the co-dependence and enabling ability) I have been struggling with this “love” that I am unable to get over on and off for 16 years. The past 4.5 years have been an absolute roller coaster. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I must do the no contact thing. Every piece of me hurts doing it.
Ha! I have no friends left. He’s poisioned everyone I liked and everyone who liked me is long gone. Who can put up with my whining?? I can’t even stand myself. I know I am a strong, intelligent single mom who has a fantastic kid, own my own home, but I am broken. How do I find out how to fix me? I find myself believing utter BS lies, why? Those who I let in just roll their eyes and tell me to get as far away as possible, and yet I am powerless. Who do I talk to? Does anyone have any suggestions?
I threw all his stuff OUT last night. It will be gone when I get home from work today. How in the heck do I stay strong? What do you tell a nine year old when he says, “Mom don’t forgive him this time?” And even though you KNOW you are wrong, you still can’t shake that “Feeling”. Oh gosh. I am sitting here condemning myself. Thanks for your blog postings, I will continue to read and gain strength and knowledge.
ML Gallagher – beautifully said.
Your post says everything about why I stayed as well.
In healing, I have to look at my own accountability so that I can change those things that brought me to be a willingly blind cooperator with a sociopath.
OdRover : very true for me as well. I am glad to learn it, and keep relarning as I go, so that I stay clear from here on out.
LilOrphan : “does this thinking bring me more of what I want in my life – or less” ?
90% of the time it brought me less.
Now I know that red flag for what it is and will pay attention.
I used to think that crumbs were better than nothing, that I had nothing else going on romantically so hoping for/dreaming/waiting for him was better than being alone completely.
Now I realize that almost constant pain and anxiety and insecurity isn’t worth a few random hours of pleasure.
Annie,
“constant pain and anxiety and insecurity isn’t worth a few random hours of pleasure” RIGHT ON!!!
“now I know that red flag for what it is and will pay attention” RIGHT ON again!!!
In the end, Annie, though the “tuition” for your “degree” in the University of Hard knocks (UHK) was HIGH, if you learned the lesson, it will benefit you the rest of your life! (((hugs))))
I think we all stayed in these unhealthy relationships because we thought that we could somehow fix what was wrong with this person. Unfortunately, sociopaths are not curable in the traditional sense. They do not understand the harm that they have caused others. Their life is nothing but lies and deceptions.
It is very difficult to explain to other people how I let this P influence and control my life for four years. Others warned me that he was not be trusted and, of course, I thought that they didn’t know him like I knew him. He seemed too good to be true. I put my trust in this man and he betrayed me.
It is a difficult lesson to learn. It is much harder dealing with the end of a relationship that never existed in the first place. The giving part of the relationship was all one-sided.
The Ps take and take until there is nothing left.
Can a cheater change? I kept telling myself people can change. You hear about homeless people turning their lives around. You hear about alcoholics never having a drink again. You hear about people deciding to go back to school at 40 to better their lives. Why do cheaters hurt people intentionally? I always felt that there are not bad people. There are those that are products of their environment. There are those that are products of circumstance. and there are those that are mentally ill..addicts. For the past 5 months I have been in love with a cheater. I blamed everything else…everyone else…including myself. I made excuses for him and tried to help him. I said he can change..he is not a bad man ..he doesn’t want to hurt people. I lost myself ..my self esteem. I blamed my looks..maybe if I was more attractive…What is wrong with ME to make him want to be with other women? Why am I not enough? I changed…I didn’t care about friends anymore….as long as I had him. I didn’t want to go anywhere…do anything…unless it was with him. I acted like someone I am not proud of. I said things I never thought I would say. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I am not the only one. So many women were hurt by this man. So many damaged self esteems. So many women blaming themselves…Women begging him not to leave. Women willing to take their lives for him. Women hurting so bad they start acting out of character. Women that loved him..and honestly believed him when he said the same thing. New women still getting hurt. I couldn’t let go. He would lie…I loved him. He would cheat..I loved him. He told me it was me he loved…I believed him…Everytime he cheated he treated me badly like it was my fault..and I went back for more. I posted a message about him. I thought…maybe strength came in numbers. I thought…that it would make him hate me..and I welcomed that ..I would be free. I thought it would make him stop. I thought I would give the women what they needed to be able to let go. What did the post actually do? He called me the day of the post thanking me for doing what he couldn’t…and asked me to come over. I hurt women by telling them horrible details… Women hurt me by telling me horrible details… The women turned against each other… All the women still wanted him. The women thought I did it to get him all to myself…I thought he would hate me…never talk to me again…I thought we would help each other…be strong…I thought because I knew he was with another woman the day I posted it I would be strong. They thought I was the lucky one…I won some sort of a prize. Yes..I was lucky to have a man who sneaked in the bathroom on his cell phone Yes…I was lucky to have a man sitting on the balcony on the phone in the middle of the night Yes..I was lucky he was showing me text messages from you that hurt. Yes..I was lucky to wonder if his business trips were actually real this time Yes… I was lucky to remember things women told me…Yes…I was lucky he was still on dating sites conversing with women. Yes…I was lucky to worry everyday if I would hear from him. Yes…I was lucky when I was contacted by one of the women he made a date with on a dating site. Yes…I was lucky the women were still holding on..unable to let go… He said “I love you” to all of these women…all of them. He told me this weekend…he loves me…but only when he is with me…when he is away from me he doesn’t love me anymore. He said that is what enables him to do what he does with no remorse. He said he collects women. He said he feels he can cure their problems with sex. He is all yours ladies…enjoy.
cherrydreamsicle:
Yes, mine loved me when he was with me and how! I was with him nearly 8 years and his wife for 7 of those years. He played the role of the perfect loving husband so well that I didn’t have a clue that he had cheated on me repeatedly from the very beginning of our relationship. I had picked up on the subtle remarks that his family members and friends made over the years about how he had cheated on all his women before me but I took great pride in believing that I was the woman of his dreams–because that’s what he always told me. He’d lovingly look at me and tell me that he never dreamed that he could have a woman like me and that I was his soulmate. He did this for 8 years and I never doubted him for a second despite several red flags that pointed to at least inappropriate behavior with other women and certainly behavior that a married man should not have been displaying. But, he had the perfect explanation for each incident. He was also SO insanely jealous of me if he felt another man might be trying to move in on “HIS” woman! He had a way of appearing to be innocent, gullable and childlike. He presented himself to be the most needy person I’ve every known and it was me that he needed in order to feel complete. I felt that I had to protect him from all harm and defend the little mistakes he made–like when he was accused of coming on to another woman when all he was really trying to do was “be nice to her by offering her a compliment”. At times, I felt much more like his mother than his wife but discounted it as his own lack of life experience and that I somehow needed to protect him from the everyday stresses of life by paying most of the bills and buying him things that made his eyes shine like a kid on Christmas morn. I thought I was in full control of the situation and felt that I had to be very careful not to hurt him because he loved me so very much!
I was a 39 year old woman when I fell victim to this man. I had been around the block a time or two and had already spent 15 years being married to an abusive alcoholic who used fear to control me. Nope, I don’t think that one was a sociopath despite the abuse. He committed suicide. I can’t see a sociopath committing suicide.
However, I had NEVER encountered someone who used charm and love to manipulate me. I have tagged him “Mr. Nice Guy”. That’s how he operates. He eventually left me not long after I found women’s phone numbers in his vehicle. He couldn’t lie out of that although he tried by swearing that he’d never called the numbers! At that point, I told him “one more time” and you’re outta here. He promised he’d never do anything so stupid again but that’s when his predatory skills REALLY kicked in and he desperately started lining up his next victim. And, he found her. A 29 year old that had been married to the same man for 13 years–since she was a kid. The spark had left their relationship and they each had tested a few other waters after having married each other too young.
Mr. Nice Guy came along and swept her off her feet. He convinced her to either buy or help him buy a doublewide to place on “his farm” after only knowing him 2 months and BEFORE she had even filed for a divorce from her husband. She learned later that the farm actually belonged to his mother who lived in another state. During this same time, she bought a new jeep for him to drive around in. He’s never had a pot to pee in and used to bask in the attention he felt he was getting when he drove my new car around. I tried to warn her. NO! I tried to SAVE her but I can’t compete with this man’s charm and lies. He found the PERFECT victim this time but I hope I managed to plant a seed in her head so that she will at least be on her toes.
So, to answer your question. No! They NEVER stop cheating. He’s 40 years old and I have no doubt that he’s doing the same thing that he’s always done. And, he’s SO good at not getting caught. He’s got it down pat. They love us only when they’re in our presence. Once out of our site, their predatory nature kicks in and they honestly don’t even have the same expression on their faces or the same personality that we see when they are with us. They don’t have to because it’s then that they can be who they really are…they can’t let us see that side of them or they know we’d run like hell! I had mine being watched after he left me and got with her. He was being observed when he was NOT in her presence but at work and when he was out and about. I figured he’d be all smiles and walking around on cloud nine. It was reported back to me time after time that he had a coldness about him and a dark expression on his face and a piercing stare. I was told that he didn’t even come close to looking like the person they once knew. That was the same look he took on when he announced that he was leaving me. And, it was the look of a monster not my innocent childlike angel that I loved so deeply. I’m sure it’s the same look that he had when he was out of my presence, too. They are monsters.
Extraordinarily well-written, thought provoking post!
I recently had a similar epiphany! Of course his lying infuriorated me, but what was worse was my lying to myself about who I was and my inner truth. Henceforth, I realize that when I lie to myself about what I know to be true, I betray myself. I am an intelligent, acutely perceptive, well-educated woman. I need to live in reality as opposed to the slight-of-hand/word illusion/magic that these folks create. If I continue to seek his validation for my perception, I am a gonner…………..
Why did I stay? It has taken me a long time to figure it out. First, regardless of whatever psychological weaknesses I may have, THEY WERE NEVER A PROBLEM WITH ANYONE ELSE! So no bad guy, no problem! We must remember that the shame and blame belong to him! But, just as when I was raped, eventually I stopped blaiming myself and said “Damn, I better learn some moves to defend myself with, because there are BAD guys out there….and even if I had a slumped posture and even if I wasn’t alert as I should have been….IT WAS HIM THAT CREATED THE RAPE, NOT ME!” Likewise, while I can list the reasons I stayed, it is for the sole purpose of learning to defend myself from the next ATTACKER….it is in NO WAY to suggest it was my fault. I know now the dreams that seduce me….and it was believing that the dream could come true so easily, just by hooking up with this guy, that kept me involved, despite all the pain. Look at what people on the show “Survivor” endure to make their dreams come true (they think). I wanted that dream to become true. NOW I’m busy making my dreams come true myself…and they are!!! But the key to letting go was to realize 1) he was not offering that dream, it would never come true and 2) that he had not rejected me, it was never about love, it was about power and control. That when he said love you, he meant I own you, I control you, I lust you, you are and will remain in my total control. And when I’m done with you, I’m done, it is all about my needs. It was never about a reciprocal relationship. So basically I stayed because I was in love with a dream and was projecting my good traits on to him, assuming he was like me, and I thought it was about love, didn’t realize it was about power and control.