I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ”˜what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ”˜what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did — before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me — and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say — but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty — because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself — not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be — independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today —Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
Freedbird: I had the same thing…he took me into nature and was a photographer too and called in birds to swirl around us, etc. Part of the dream and the allure. And like you, I would stay outside all the time if I could. and at first I did mourn that loss of the experiences in nature, then found others to enjoy them with, minus the on edge feeling of having to please him every second, and adding in the joy of being with people who are CONSIDERATE of me. What a contrast! Plus I’ve found guides who are much more talented than him and don’t demand my body in repayment! It is a stage we go through, thinking they are the source of the joy, when actually they are the source of pain. and yes, many improvements in my life came about perhaps sparked by his interests or whatever, but *I* am the one who made the changs happen, and they are *MY* dreams that I had long before he was around.
Warrior: I know you posted so long ago you may not see this, but what you and neverneverland said fits me too. It was about being free of responsibility, he was so in control….yet when I escaped and was around people who CARE and are CONSIDERATE, it was like a breath of freshair. but yes, a wake up call that I needed more fun in my life, that I give and give, but must also enjoy my time here on earth. LOL! How many people need to be reminded to have fun! Probably quite a few victims of P’s. Warrior, regardless of the circumstances, and mine were similar, you were a victim, and if you are like me, you have paid a really heavy, heavy price and shed a ton of tears. Your husband understood? Mine gave me permission for an “open marriage”…it was the stupidest thing we’ve done….but he said he wanted to know NOTHING. So I have had to keep all this incredible pain to myself and hide my tears and shame. Our marriage is closed again, and we are 200% improved, a GREAT marriage now. But what hell with the P. Funny we look back and say an attraction was to the FUN they offered. Illusions, all illusions.
Yep. They never do change. My ex is a 40 year old man who has cheated on every woman he has been with. He is probably cheating on the woman he left me for but she thinks she is the one who can change him because she feels so special. He told her last December he wasn’t with me anymore but this past May, when I found out about her I kicked him out and then he had to tell her he was still with me. She forgave him and took him in. She knows he lied to her but accepted it. She will be another tradgedy in the near future. In my opinion, he’s probably thinking if she forgave him for that, he can do anything and she’ll forgive him. Not a very good way to start out a relationship, aye?
I do believe he planned to leave me in June. His plan was to leave without a trace, without a clue as to where he went and why…just like he did to the woman before me.
He’s been gone for 6 months. When we first split, I was so hurt and angry at her and at him. But now, i look at it as if they did me a favor. My nightmare has ended….but hers is just about to be starting about now. It’s a one way street with him. You give and he takes.
My family tells me I look great. They can see the change. They tell me they saw what he was doing to me. I didn’t look the same. I looked depressed, stopped taking care of myself, gained weight. This is because my ex would tell me what clothes to wear, complain if I got my hair cut or high-lighted, complained if I wore makeup, told me to stop watching my weight because he accused me of trying to keep my figure to attract other men. He wouldn’t let me out of his sight. Accused me of looking at other guys, flirting with guys at work, was jealous because I made 4x more $ than him, got me fired from a great job due to jealousy, verbally, emotionally, sexually abused me and once got physical by grabbing me by the throat. He didn’t work for half of the 2 yrs he was with me, used my credit cards, didn’t help with any living expenses, and didn’t make any car payments on the car I helped him get by putting a loan in my name due to his crappy credit, bought him clothes, let his son move in and I paid for all the groceries, did the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry. All the while, he had this other woman set up right in town just waiting in the wings for the switch. One day when I ran out of money and complained, he said “it’s time.” What a scumbag. I’m so angry at myself for allowing him to roll over me like a steamroller. I feel so stupid.
I KNow
Don’t feel Stupid ! Don’t blame yourself for a single thing you did it was all Good and Right and Honerable! That is their Game and It has no rules ! so ya can’t play unless you are as deceptive as they are! Please read OxD sept 9 forgiving yourself for being Human! Here in the archives!
Free! Except I will need you to make a small token of your appreciation to my Paypal acct # e v i l 6 6 6 about $$$$ will do for now ! LOVE JJ
I didn’t stay. As soon as I knew for a fact that his bizarre behaviors were not an accident, I walked. But it killed me–I was so hooked. 2-1/2 months was even too long to wait around for him. If I ever meet another one of his kind, I’ll know the signs and walk right away. The recovery still took (and is taking) a very long time. Don’t beat yourselves up for not leaving right away. I don’t know if spending less time makes the healing happen and faster.
I’ve been thinking some more about not only what kept me “in” , but what kept me ruminating after it was over. I think I was so focused on “did he love me or not? did he hurt me on purpose or not? was there a reason he did what he did that is justifiable or not?” I didn’t spend enough time focusing on the relatively EASY question to answer: “Is this a person full of the traits I most admire in someone? (regardless of how he is treating ME, regardless of what he does or does not feel for ME).” Because after the mask falls and you see who these guys are…..their traits aren’t on our list of what we always hoped to see in a man! Manipulation, not forthright, deception, cheating…..gee, just what I always hoped for in a man …NOT!
Iwonder:
seems the forgiving ourselves is the hardest part of all this. i got steamrolled too. he had the pregnant gf in the wings for months, but didn’t have the key to her apartment yet. as soon as he had it, he told me what was going on and he had no trouble when i told him to get his crap and get the hell out. no problem at all after so many years.
just know that everything he accused you of is what he was doing. all the jealousy was about him cheating and deceiving. these people are freaks of nature. i wish i had 1/10th of the money i gave him back in my bank account. my ex-spath never gave me a cent for expenses either and just drained me of every cent. then he had the nerve to tell me that i can’t take care of him like i used to and i should get a second job!
yea, they’re really sick.
but, hey, it’s a new year and we can’t move forward holding on to old grief. let’s not second-guess ourselves any more. whether we let it happen or not, it wasn’t for selfish reasons, and it wasn’t to screw anyone. it was done in faith that humans will act human. but now we know that doesn’t apply to all.
let’s all forgive ourselves first, and worry about these effin’ losers later.
i cried for my ex today. it’s our first christmas apart. after tearing for 20 minutes, i thought, ”he never bought me a present and while he called me over his vacation (with his wife), he was NEVER with me on christmas anyway!” sometimes we just have to face the reality head on.
it’s just one more christmas day alone and without a present from him. the only difference is that i’m not being trampled. it feels good to be in an upright position without shoe prints all over me!
TOWANDA!!!
I think we should all count ourselves lucky that the P’s are out of our lives. What could be better than a P-free Xmas?
LIG: I know you’re right. I’m spending Christmas with my parents and relatives will come to visit. It will be nice. I’m so looking forward to 2009. I have a whole list of things I want to accomplish this coming year. Gotta work on me:
* Better Job
* Get out of debt
* Fix up my place
* keep going to the gym
* Expand my circle of real friends
* Back to school p/t for 2 more licenses
iwonder:
that sounds wonderful. without these mutants sapping all our strength, everything we do it better than before.
i’m finding that my entire life is improving in a very general, non-dramatic way.
let’s just stick around to support eachother, and be thankful for our freedom from spathness.
merry christmas!