I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ”˜what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ”˜what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did — before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me — and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say — but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty — because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself — not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be — independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today —Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
I stayed because I made a commitment.
I stayed because we to belly laughed together.
I stayed for his daughter.
I stayed because I didn’t understand.
I stayed because I was confused.
I stayed because I there is treatment for alcohol/anger.
I stayed for a hard working guy, a beautifully intelligent girl, a home, and a yard.
I stayed because I’m trusting and I believed him.
I stayed because I had no idea.
This is a great site! It has surely helped me heal emotionally. One thing that probably slowed it down in some regards was I didn’t stick with the NC rule. Initially, it was for the same reasons most everyone else has. Then I was doing research, and trying to get into her head. The sad thing is, for the most part, I could see most anything coming before it was brought up…..or maybe that was a blessing, I’m not sure. The one thing I did come to realize, even when I KNEW it was a lie, it was hard not to think I must have been wrong. I thank God for the comments from people on this site and from friends that weren’t afraid to tell me what they thought. If not for those two things, plus the knowledge I gained from the involvement, I am CERTAIN I would have allowed myself to get sucked back in. A few of the things I was out to accomplish after discovering what was REALLY happening:
Pull it all back together – was against my better judgment from the start, gave up on that fairly early.
Recoup my financial losses – seemed logical at the time, but in the end, just not worth it.
Let the other party involved know what he was dealing with – Had a few opportunities to do this, but couldn’t get it done. The struggle internally for me was…are you doing this to warn another, or doing this to be spiteful? Surely it was a combination of the two, and I couldn’t weigh which had the most credibility, so that is done for me as well.
Finally I set a date to have no more interaction, and that date is today. As many of you can understand, there are still some mixed emotions, but I can sure change that sooner rather than later with NC.
Again, I thank all of you and will continue getting on here, hopefully I can impact someone else positively as well.
Caongratulations on the NC decision!!! Sounds like you are doing all the right things. I’m so sorry you had to go through such a painful process, but NC IS the answer. If I even see a post from the P on a site I know he uses, it sets me back, so I’ve stopped visiting the site. I know someday I will be so healed that won’t happen, but “reactivity” to old cues makes the hurt resurface. I still can’t listen to romantic music AT ALL.
Good luck and stay strong.
Dear Justgotburned,
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! What a wonderful holiday gift to yourself, THE START OF HEALING!
NC is difficult at first, and we fight it I think, because sometimes it feels like (to me anyway) that any connection is better than no connection….but once you get NC for a while we almost all seem to say to ourselves “why didnt I think of this sooner?” LOL
Happy holidays! And God bless you!
For justabouthealed:
I think I made it more painful, or at least made it drag out longer than was necessary. The main thing is, I have and always have had good people around me, and can actually function again. I never would have imagined that I allowed myself to be so paralyzed at this point in my life. Surely there will be the things that are reminders, some things I might not want to do again either. I will be happy when the day comes that you can say ‘romantic music is soothing’
Congratulations Justgotburned! Today is such an important day if you are starting NC. Try to stick with it. It won’t be easy, but you can lean on all of us. We’ve all been through it or are going through it currently! (I’m just a few months of NC).
This is a wonderful place.
Now that all the Holliday Cheer is out of the way ! I would really appreciate it If someone would go get me Beer and Cigaretts! :)~
Thank you each and everyone of you! Donna Thanks I know i’m a big mouth but I got a really Big Heart Too! This site has so much Positive Energy and Genuin LOVE!
Happy Hollidays to You and yours! LOVE JJ
Well, lookie who decided to join us on Xmas eve! Indi, have you hugged your snakes today?
Justgotburned, you will find after a period of NC that your mind will start to get clearer. What better time than the new year to start your new P-free life! Congratulations!
Thank you for your kind words, justgotburned. I too have good people in my life, and it helps. It also makes me wonder how the heck I got this far off the path! I think part of it was I *am* surrounded with good people and just assumed the P was a good person too, who would resist hurting me. In fact he often said “I don’t want to hurt my special people”…..yet that is exactly what he ALWAYS does to everyone in his orbit that he “loves”. It is sort of like when someone starts assuring me that they never lie, I start thinking to myself “So you struggle with lies, huh? Cause it sure is on your mind a lot.” But all that common sense was thrown out the window the P. And then I got a “betrayal bond” thing going with him….argghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 It was awful, awful, awful. And that is why reactivity can still be a problem. But I’m learning to lable it as that and refuse to be pulled into tears, etc.
Merry Ho HO to every one – I have no complaint’s tonite – but stay tuned!!!