I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ”˜what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ”˜what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did — before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me — and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say — but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty — because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself — not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be — independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today —Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
I don’t miss him at all – I don’t hurt like I did – by spring I bet I find my joy!!!
What makes them a S. I am in the process of leaving my ex bc I am finally tired of his cheating ways. We have fought over at least one girl for our whole 2yr relationship. He cant seem to leave her alone. He claims he only helps her when she calls in need. She claims he comes to her begging her back and says things to her basically that he is saying to me. BUT with me…we live (even though in different states) as we are a true coupled even like a married couple. He helps pay bills here and while here he gets things around the house that is needed and same with the car. He claims he is getting transferred here but the delay is bc of me going back n forth with him (breaking up) bc of getting mad of him keeping contact with this other chic. But now I am thinking he has someone else as well. While on the phone with me just recently he acts as if he is just so depressed (at Christmas time) with me leaving him and that he wants to sleep for the next couple of days so they just disappear and be over with. BUT I texted him merry Christmas (to be nice) and no respond even called with blocked number and he is not answering. I know his phone trick from when he stays with me. While here his phone is ALWAYS ON SILENT and he is on it when he leaves to go to the store or something and I dont go with him. So I am thinking he is with someone now and again his phone is on silence. Also with the money thing…From reading here it looks as if S take your money and leave you for broke but like I said he is always helping me out. BUT I DO PAY FOR IT LATER WITH VERBAL ABUSE. ” I have done more for u then any man has ever done” ” no one does for you like I do” and the list goes on. He actually uses any thing I have said to him against me too. His last visit he was cruel with his words even man handled me so I couldnt leave (my own house) bc I was tired of hearing his crap about what i was or wasnt. SO I GUESS WHAT I AM ASKING IS AM I DEALING WITH A S OR JUST A LYING AZZ MAN…. He does the whole claiming to be on charities, does well with his job (so he says) and so forth…BUT he never does wrong….its always my fault. HELP….we just broke up 2dys ago…not sure how to handle it.
Breaking free: Who cares what he is … he still cheats on you. Not focusing on you and you solely is enough reason to kick this guy to the curb. When you do, NO CONTACT whatsoever.
The first time anyone does anything wrong (man or woman) is when they are testing the waters to see what else they can get away with. Period. No if’s ands or butts about it.
I don’t know when everyone got really greedy in this country, but it’s a sad state of affairs.
NO CONTACT because he will say or do whatever he thinks you will accept to take him back so he can be a selfish, self centered jerk.
Then as you read this site in detail, you’ll be able to figure out what he is.
Peace to your heart and soul … and try to relax and enjoy the rest of your holiday … even if he won’t give up being selfish!
breaking free – My X gave me money, not at first, but when he thot he would be kicked out he would give me all his money, it was one more way he could control me. I thot it was because he cared and wanted a future with me, but it was just a way to keep me apeased. He did just enuff around here to apease me. But still at the end of the day I was in the red with his money. It was a way of making me feel responsible for him. But it was all a form of manipulation. If he is keeping his cell phone on silent when with you he is hiding something, someone ,no telling how many. Yes he is a sociopath, pulling your string’s and toying with your mind. Break free and have no contact at all and you will get your indentity back……hang tuff…
Silent Night
All is calm all is Bright
All because theres no P insight! :)~ LOVE JJ
Breaking free,
Sounds like your ex is dangerous, no matter what he is. “How to Spot a Dangerous Man” is a great book to help you identify the different dangerous personality disorders. There is a section on emotional predators. When I started reading that chapter, my jaw dropped. I could not get over the similarities to my S, right down to the limp he is faking to get out of the army (in the book it says that they may walk with a limp as a pity ploy). I also didn’t know for a while if mine was a sociopath because he also never took any money from me. He always picked up the tab, drove us in his newer model car, and behaved like a total gentleman. There is another article here that says the true signifier of a sociopath is their exploitive nature. I will add that sometimes it takes a while to learn you are being exploited. Another telling sign is the pathological lying. Sociopaths can look you in the eye and lie without the least bit of anxiety about it. It’s as if they believe their own lies. According to Martha Stout in “The Sociopath Next Door” (another book worth reading), “Deceit is the underpinning of the sociopathic personality.” There are other personality disordered people who lie. For instance, addicts lie, too. However, with a sociopath, lying seems second nature. It’s as if they believe their own lies. They tell them all the time, and they seem very sincere and believable.
Merry Christmass Christmass GIFT!
Indigo,
I hope you had a nice Xmas without the black cloud of your evil ex to ruin it. I usually prefer to spend Xmas alone that to go to a house full of someone else’s family. But today I opted to go to my boss’s house with all her extended family and friends. It was a little overwhelming for me. I think next year I’ll stay home with my animals. I hope everyone else enjoyed the holiday.
Hugs,
StarG
Mine was very Relaxed
Because the Family has Multiplied several times over. It’s not how I remember it. I stayed home because I broke my Jeep! I told them Id try to make New years!
But Christmass was easyer then Thanks giving I guess because the P has stayed NC. I knew NC for him was no BIG deal ! As long as He thinks it was His idea! :)~ Big Squeeez LOVE JJ
I’m glad to hear that, Indi. I actually enjoyed doing nice things for my friends this year. I burned a lot of CD’s and wrote a lot of cards, decorated my condo, and have had a few people over. Christmas is traditionally a very melancholy time for me. Last year I avoided the melancholy because I avoided Xmas. I stayed away from department stores and anywhere they played sappy Xmas music. I didn’t give gifts or even send cards. I told all my friends I was “opting out” of Xmas. It worked, and I stayed sane. This year, I just noticed I felt okay, and didn’t need to avoid anything. I actually kind of enjoyed it. I am Jewish by heritage, so Xmas doesn’t have the same meaning for me it does for Christians. But my family used to have a tree and celebrate the holiday anyway. It was very odd.