I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ”˜what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ”˜what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did — before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me — and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say — but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty — because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself — not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be — independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today —Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
I am Christian
But a specific day is not real important to me ! I Celebrate the FORCEs POWER everyday! :)~
Okay, I guess I must be on a roll writing tonight. I came home from a huge meal and fell asleep, then woke up at midnight.
I was thinking about Christmases growing up. They actually were nice in spite of my abusive dysfunctional family. Sometimes we even went to some fun new years parties. I guess Xmases have been hard for me as an adult because of the the confusion over my family. They were so abusive toward me but there were also good times. I actually miss the remaining family members during the holidays, but cannot be around them because they are toxic. All the things I feel about them seem to culminate during the holidays–sadness, resentment, longing, hopelessness, and memories of the good times too that will never return because they were tainted by the abuse.
I have never really enjoyed spending Xmas at someone else’s house with someone else’s family, even if that someone else is a kind friend or boyfriend. I just never feel that comfortable. Perhaps if the families were more dysfunctional, I’d feel more at home. 🙂 It’s one thing to surround yourself with healthy, loving people that are not like anyone in your past. It’s another thing feeling comfortable with it. I feel I am pretty good at dispelling abusive people from my life. But I wonder if I will ever feel completely comfortable around healthy ones.
I was reflecting on one of the things that drew me to the P. He claimed to also have had an abusive father and difficult family life. Of course, in retrospect, I realize he probably just made that stuff up to mirror me. But it seems I relate and identify more with men who have come from some kind of screwed up background. The problem is that a lot of those men have issues and are undatable. I have dated some really wonderful men in my life who wanted to marry me and take care of me. But if they came from happy families, I just felt like there was a big chasm in understanding, and that we couldn’t relate to each other. I really hope I can get past that so I am not limited in who I date.
Thanks for listening. These are my ramblings after a long day of eating, stressing, and sleeping.
I accidentally married an emotionally healthy person.:-) He’s had issues and problems over the years, but he does NOT have a personality disorder and he IS mentally healthy. I was lucky, we got married before we really knew each other. That is how he ended up with me, and me with him. We were married five weeks after our first date. Luckily he was a GOOD guy, despite committing so quickly.
Sad to say, at first I tried to “recreate” what I had experienced at home. I think some of his issues came from battling me on that. But he hung tough,and I finally came to see what I was doing wrong, trying to get back into a victim role.
After all these years of living with him, finally the tide has turned and I’m getting much more mentally healthy myself. Now I do feel good around mentally healthy people.
StarG — time for you to write you own life. Your NEW and IMPROVED LIFE … That’s what healing is all about … for you to meet the people that will be good to you and you in turn are good to them. The new people don’t have to be lovers in romantic relationship with you, but… they can be true friends that love and care about you!
Keep walking on that path of peace and love …. and you will see … we will all get there together.
Piece of cake, piece of pie…. oh, sorry, you’re too full right now! (LOL).
Now If Kerry Degman rang the doorbell and wanted to Rock my World!
Or lets say Who ever Your Favorate Celeb is right now How many of you would not Invite them in for Tea??:)~
I am still having trouble with this original post. When I was physically raped, I stayed. I had weaknesses. I knew nothing about how to take a knife from someone. I knew nothing about how to throw off a big guy. I could have. I had opportunities to take self defense courses. But damn it, I still say it was not my fault that I got raped, just because I could have prevented it, had I more understanding at the time!The guy was still a rapist.
And that is how I feel about the guy who emotionally raped me. Yes, with more integrity on my part, it would have never even happened. And I hope and pray no one will be able to do it to me again. That I will stand firm in my beliefs. I’ve devoted thousands of hours of study and writing and therapy to insure that.
But I will never say it was not his fault. He was the rapist.
I have the ability to respond….and I take that responsibility. I took it then too….I simply didn’t have all the tools I needed to stay firm in my integrity against his manipulations. Now I’m stronger. Now I can fight off worse attacks.
So I forgive myself…but I don’t forgive him and he repulsed opportunities to show remorse or make amends. Without that, my forgiveness is just another naive move.
Ya don’t forgive them for them ya forgive them for your own wellbeing! They could care less! But If you hold on to hostile feelings. Because we take it Personal! Those emotions only hurt us! LOVE JJ
Forgiveness of the S is not difficult after all this time. Granted, I don’t want to run and fling my arms around him and sing Kumbaya. The hardest part is dealing with all the betrayals of friends who took his side. I was hit with a few of them all in the same week, and I’m still a little overwhelmed by the feelings of betrayal. I have not yet found my way to trusting people after all of this, except for my trusted few longtime friends.
It was the same with my S stepfather. Easier to forgive him. Harder to forgive my mother who never protected me from him or took responsibility for that. I suppose I just hold different people to different standards.
Indi,
You are so right, “forgiveness” is not saying “it wasn’t anything” or that “you didn’t mean to hurt me”—forgiveness is simply to QUIT BEING BITTER—it does NOT mean you have to trust them, or feel squishy for them again, Just accept that they are what they are, they did what they did, and you are not going to let it make you stay bitter forever.
If you stay bitter and angry forever, then THEY HAVE WON, THEY STILL HAVE SPACE RENTED IN YOUR HEAD.
I won’t let them have that satisfaction. Hate is NOT the opposite of love, it is INDIFFERENCE. To just be where they are like a total stranger to you. Just NOT IMPORTANT in your life any more. Just a vague person you “once knew”
It takes time and work to get to that point, but we can get there.
Actually, I am so glad I have gotten as far as I have on that point of “forgiveness” because I feel so much better since I am no longer angry all the time, snapping at people, snapping at myself, it feels wonderful to not be pissed off all the time. LOL A wonderful new feeling! It’s like I don’t wish them harm, but I don’t wish them good either, just NOTHING. If that makes any sense.
Think about some kid in school when you were a kid that “picked on you” and how you despised that kid. Do you still think about that kid all the time? Do you wonder how he or she is? Are they happy or sad? Healthy or sick? NO? Well, eventually I hope you will get to think about your X-P the same way, just “not important.”
Thank you for the many words of advice. STARGAZER the lies he tells you are right…they are told in ways that are so believable. He stars in my eyes and tells me what he im sure wants me to hear for the moment. Even over the phone he gets so upset when i am having trouble believing him. When I question him or pin point where maybe he was wrong…oh my goodness does it all break out. He likes to focus on anything that I have done wrong which can be so small compared to his lying, cheating and manipulation…but the conversation always switches…to my wrong when I am trying to tell him what he did that hurt me.
also stargazer to your statement right above me. I am so bad when it comes to forgiving and forgetting…I do it way to easy. I seem to forget way to easy someone doing wrong to me and then just act as if everything is okay…so that just makes it so much easier for the S to keep doing wrong to me. RIGHT…