I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ”˜what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ”˜what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did — before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me — and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say — but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty — because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself — not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be — independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today —Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
The problem is , like other’s stated, I too tend to forgive too easily and forget too easily. And to not recognize abuse when it smacks me in the heart or face. So I have to be careful about forgiving, because then I open up and let the person in my heart with some boundaries, and before I know it they are in my life with some boundaries, and before I know it the boundaries are gone and I’m right back where I started.
Now indifference! That is a GREAT goal I can work toward. Thank you, like the analogy about the school yard bully. True! Yet when I saw mine from grade school, I knew I didn’t even want to talk to her!!!!!!!!!!! That is indifference….but I clearly had not forgotten that she is poison.
But forgiveness has a price of admission for me, and the Betrayal Bond sets a pretty high bar for what an abuser must do to be back in your life. Maybe others can forgive and still not let someone back in their life. For me, it is a slippery slope. I’d rather live with the effects of a little bitterness when I think of them, than take a chance on opening the door to life-destructive abuse, through my forgiveness that has a tendency for me to say, then why NC?
The lies are amazing. I realize now that my ex S would always say whatever would serve him best in the moment – no matter what. It’s like he didn’t understand what “truth” meant. He would say, automatically and immediately, whatever it was that best served his needs. It never seemed like he was lying because he wouldn’t miss a beat, wouldn’t pause, wouldn’t squirm, or look the least bit uncomfortable – he would just look me right in the eye and calmly and assuredly say whatever best served his purposes.
I caught him in this sort of thing in the beginning, and just thought it curious rather than indicative of serious pathology. For example, I asked him if he had any tatoos, after I had already implied that I didn’t like them very much. He calmly said: “No.” Very matter of factly like it was the truth. Then, several dates later, when I saw him with his shirt off – there was tattoo right on his arm. I remember thinking “huh, he told me didn’t have a tattoo, but he does. Maybe I’m remembering wrong because who would tell a lie in which he would surely later get caught?” A sociopath. That’s what I know, now. That was a HUGE red flag. He lied because saying “no” served him best in that moment. It scary, because he really did not miss a beat, did not pause, did not have a flash of nervousness, anger, anything, go over his face. He just calmly looked me in the eyes and said “no” when the answer was clearly “yes.”
That lie didn’t hurt me like the lies about where he was, who he was with, etc, that followed. But it was a real red flag, and clear indication of S behavior.
Healing Heart:
“The lies are amazing.”
I think back on the crap that used to come out of S’s mouth and think I must have been in a dissociative state to have bought that nonsense. I mean, if I had a witness on the stand who told some of those whoppers I would have a field day with him.
But, I just stood there and took it. I remember him having a conversation with his sister one time and saying “Deliberately tell him you don’t want to do something. You want to see if they have a little backbone.” I went blithely along with everything S said and demanded. And S up the ante and the lies got progressively worse, hurting me more, proving that I did have no backbone, until I decided to get out.
HH,
My S lied in exactly the same way yours did. His lies were so convincing I believed them right up to the end. Once I knew he was a pathological liar, I got to observe him lying to a few people and on the forum. My jaw just dropped. He was so smooth. Lies just pour out of his mouth like you and I breathe. How can all these guys be so similar?
StarGazer – Have you ever seen the movie ‘Practical Magic” with sandra bullock and nicole kidman? Everybody should watch it – now they know how to take care of evil men..anyway you remind me of the character that stockard channing play’s in the movie
I know! Isn’t it just amazing how alike these guys are?! And frightening. My ex S was so awful, so cruel, and so amazingly deceptive – I had never seen anything like it. And then I read your posts – every one male, female, gay, straight, younger, older, and you are all describing the same guy (or woman)!!! What happens if two of these get in a relationship with each other?
The lying was also like I’d never seen before. I’ve had boyfriends, lie to me, but I could always (almost) see it – they would squirm, voices would speed up or slow down, they’d blink more, or just something as subtle as an eye brow raise. But it was usually discernible. But my ex-S must have lied to me a dozen times a day – more than that. And I never figured it out until the stories just didn’t add up (which didn’t take too long). I remember the first time that I confronted him on being with another woman, he responded in what I thought was such a genuine, and sincere way (denied it of course) that I was convinced I was wrong, and ended up apologizing to him. Which he graciously accepted. I remember being comforted by the way he remained calm, looked me in the eye, spoke in a normal tone and pitch, and said “Of course not, Baby” without flinching. I was sure he was telling the truth.
So many times I read what you guys are writing and swear it must be the same guy I dated. But it isn’t! They are just so remarkably the same. In such ruthless, conscienceless ways. I am so glad I’m one of the good guys.
Henry, I hope the Stockard Channing wasn’t a psychopath….I’ll put it on my list. BTW, I saw my neighbor that you remind me of the other day and almost called him Henry.
HH, my S was/is the nicest guy you’d ever want to meet. You meet him and immediately like him. He is like the guy next door. Even when he was lying to me and discarding me, he was just so nice. That’s what makes it so creepy. He never raised his voice, insulted me, or called me names. He just lied, broke promises, and then eventually just stood me up. But he was very nice about it, always apologizing right up to the end.
Stargazer:
Mine was the same way. The thing that always nagged at me was how my nephews and nieces steered a wide-berth around him.
My 7 year old nephew remarked to me that he heard “You aren’t seeing S anymore.” I concurred. He asked “Why not?” I told him that S did things which I didn’t like so I couldn’t be his friend anymore.
Then I asked him “You didn’t like S, did you?” And he point blank said “No. Because he gave me the creeps.”
Kids and dogs. They are the real lie detectors.
Star – is your neighbor that reminds you of me single? maybe you should take a bottle of wine over and start a new friendship….stockard channing was a witch in that movie – a very sweet witch…..
ARGH – just wrote a long post and then lost it.
Matt – kids and animals……I thought it was interesting that my ex S had no interest in animals whatsoever. Never patted a dog on the head, never even commented that someone’s dog, or cat, or a deer, was “cute.” It was like animals didn’t register – probably because they were of no use to him. I never got to see him interact with an animal because he never went near them.
As for children – he charmed the kids in my family very quickly, just like he charmed me. I watched – he played games with them, made them laugh, held them, sang to them , rough-housed with the boys – and then completely lost interest in then. He devalued and discarded children faster than adults – again, because they were less use to him. It was sad to watch. He really seemed like someone who loved kids at first – and they did fall for it – but then he dropped them, completely lost interest. I could see that they were confused by it.
Just had all my sibs and their partners over for dinner. As well as two of the babies (older kids are with a sitter). I was driving home from the market with the groceries, and I felt really relieved that my ex S was not with me. Although he was very friendly to my family at first, after a short time he was grouchy about any family visits – probably because they got in the way of him having sex with other women. I was so relieved, today, that I didn’t have to worry about “was he having a good time,” and wasting all my energy attending to him rather than engaging with my siblings. I could just enjoy my family. Though there were times where I felt pangs of being alone – I’m the only one without a partner. But thank God I’m not with him. Now I have the opportunity to have a real partner.