I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ”˜what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ”˜what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did — before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me — and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say — but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty — because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself — not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be — independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today —Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
HH….and yes to the acrobatics. In fact, he was where a man is supposed to be to impregnant a woman but doubled me over and was suddenly in my mouth, for what I now call a sexual assault. Ironically, he nicknamed his “family jewels” …get this….”the MONSTER”. He was right!
Today, if my husband sees porn, he laughs, talks about the ridiculously poor acting, shuts it off. This guy hung on it, took it very seriously, was glued to it with an intent look.
One last comment. Even with a vibrator that always works for me, I could NOT have an orgasm with that man. He was exciting, I was busy acting uninhibited (what was WRONG with me, putting on such an act for him!), but my body was saying “NO WAY”.
I think it just depends on the type of Con they are into. This guys idea of giving a woman good sex was getting her under his control, MAKING her respond, frustrating her, etc. And like your guy, he would be arrogantly obscene in a phone message or email message and think nothing of it. Once in awhile he would say “did that excite or repulse you”….I guess he was using me as a tester!
Healing Heart and Justabouthealed: Don’t get so upset over the freaky aspect of their love making techniques … for those are borrowed too (like everything they do is borrowed) … from movies or pornos, Hugh Hefner, Larry Flynt and the rest of the rags out there that they’ve been viewing since pre-teen days.
And everyone wonders why our society is such a mess? Look what we are up against with the media making billions off of this?
I was floored to see how the female co-workers I worked with … when we were in our early 20s were into all this porno stuff too. Was I square! I look back and I’m glad I’m old fashion … didn’t go down that road and am glad I didn’t venture into the dark. There is nothing romantic about it … absolutely nothing.
Peace!
THE MONSTER? ha ha ha ha ha. Sorry, can’t help laughing at some of these ridiculous S’s. You know, sex, sometimes just for the sake of sex, can be satisfying in its own right. It’s a normal human need. I personally wouldn’t mind porn, except that most of it is just so bad. Normal humans (and especially women) are wired to bond emotionally through sex, whether it’s good or bad. This is why we have to guard ourselves so much with men and really make them prove themselves. I am learning this the hard way.
One of the reasons NC is so necessary is that it takes a while (months) for the bond to wear off. At that point you can see the S more clearly for what he or she is.
Wini – that makes so much sense. What I don’t get, is how some women and men say that they had “great” sex with an S. I don’t know how anyone could have great sex with someone who is empty? Well, I guess I thought I did in the beginning – but it became so empty and unfulfilling and, well, sad and demeaning.
You’ve been on this site for a little while, Wini. Haven’t you seen people talking about “great” sex with their ex-S? I’m asking because I’m really curious about it, and am comforted, in some ways, that Justabouthealed had similar experiences. Though I wouldn’t wish them on her or anyone.
There is an old saying that I think might go well here:
~The Wolves Within~
An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a schoolmate who had done him an injustice, “Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times.”
He continued, “It is as if there are two wolves inside me; one is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.
“But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will change nothing.
“Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit.”
The boy looked intently into his Grandfather’s eyes and asked, “Which one wins, Grandfather?”
The Grandfather smiled and said, “The one I feed, son, the one I feed.”
~ Author Unknown ~ (has been attributed to Shaw though)
Healing Heart: It all comes down to freedom of choice! Anyone can view a naked body … how are they viewing it? From the aspect that the human body is beautiful? Or from another aspect of darkness?
Same goes with the love making with your past relationship? What was your mind telling you during those times? Remember, you are not the one that is screwed up and can’t love. So I suspect you made love to your EX. I’m sorry he’s too selfish and focused on whatever vices he’s focused on … to slow down and smell the roses!
Peace to your heart and soul … and don’t be so hard on yourself.
The sociopath makes a choice to feed the bad wolf and so it becomes his/her world. It becomes their reality and their norm. And the more they feed it the more they become it.
I think that’s right – I was “making love” and thinking he was too – I assume that other people are positive and their intentions good and loving. I guess when other people blog about good sex with their exes – they are saying that THEY, themselves were passionate in a positive and loving way. The ex S probably was not (if they are an S, they are not capable). But maybe they are still imagining him to have been to make the memory betters? I think that is dangerous – I can’t speak for others, but i know that I need to see my relationship with him for the reality of what it was – I spent far too much time conjuring up false fantasies and ignoring ugly realities.
So, I WAS making love, He, was not, however, and eventually, my projection that he was doing so thinned out and the fantasy evaporated. He was probably never lovemaking.
But, the positive thing is that I WAS, and I AM capable of lovemaking. The next partner (when I am ready) will be someone who is capable of truly making love – not faking.
I will become better at teasing apart what is real, and what is fantasy, what I am projecting on someone else.
Hey BloggerT – that sounds right, and its so sad, isn’t it? I gotta keep feeding my good wolf and stay the hell away from the big bad, well-fed, wolves out there.