I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ”˜what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ”˜what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did — before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me — and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say — but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty — because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself — not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be — independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today —Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
I agree it is sad. It goes back to my thing about how a person ties their shoes. By the time people are adults they have “fed” their shoe wolf a certain way over and over and over to the point that they can only tie their shoes in one way. In fact they often do it without even looking or actively thinking about it. Yet if they try to tie them in a different way (say opposite of how they do it now) they find it anywhere from annoying to extremely stressful. So goes the sociopath with their deeds.
“Healing Heart says:
Wini – that makes so much sense. What I don’t get, is how some women and men say that they had “great” sex with an S. I don’t know how anyone could have great sex with someone who is empty? Well, I guess I thought I did in the beginning – but it became so empty and unfulfilling and, well, sad and demeaning.
You’ve been on this site for a little while, Wini. Haven’t you seen people talking about “great” sex with their ex-S? I’m asking because I’m really curious about it, and am comforted, in some ways, that Justabouthealed had similar experiences. Though I wouldn’t wish them on her or anyone.
Healing Heart says:
Oops – sorry, wrong blog on the last post”
HH
Wrong thread but so what!
I had a great sex life with my S…fantastic even. That was one of my stumbling blocks in separating myself from it all. We had a genuine chemistry which was an added bonus for him. I suppose because I didn’t know I was dealing with an S until a couple of weeks ago, I was able to enjoy it still.
Now, when I look at him…well, it’s best described as a train wreck, a science project, or an aberration of humanity, that I can’t turn my eyes away from. Now that I know, I want to know everything I can.
My problem became that for him, sex made all the issues go away. It made everything all better and wiped the slate clean in his head – and not at all for me.
I reeled him back in four months ago because of this chemistry, and that I knew he wasn’t strong enough to say “no”.
I needed to understand what the hell happened to me, us, and our life together.
So, we carried on in a non-exclusive, bed-buddy, relationship, where I was told to not tell anyone we were together…long enough for me to figure it out.
I know the mantra of NC, but I HAD to make something make sense, and would most certainly have danced with death had I not hung around him long enough to figure it out. I couldn’t go on crying like I had for 15 months.
My doctor and therapist discouraged me and felt that I was disrespecting myself, and I was, but I knew this. They have seen the change in me during the last few weeks and now agree with my motivation to continue hanging around with him.
I now have recorded 7-8 hours of every, full of lies, phone call between us on my land line, and every cell bill he’s had for our entire time together. I have the hotel bills, and finally it all makes sense. It’s scary, but it makes sense.
All because he can’t say no.
OK LF KIDS, here’s what the experts say about the subject:
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For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
James 3:16
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Have you heard of a “gateway drug”? The idea is that some drugs lead to other, more harmful and deadly drugs. Before the person knows it, the drug they started with opens them up to a whole new world of drugs they never thought they would do.
James is warning us that envy and selfish ambition are gateway behaviors to much worse things. We might think being envious is no big deal, that it only affects our lives and that we can control it. But eventually, our envy will reach out and begin to affect the lives of those around us. When we become consumed with our own desires, we elevate our wants above the needs of others. And ultimately, you’ll no longer care if you hurt others, as long as you get what you want.
Don’t be fooled into thinking that a little envy or selfish ambition is good motivation for advancing your career or financial status. Those thoughts will always lead to disorder and open the gateway to even more destructive behaviors. Instead of being consumed by your own desires, replace those thoughts with prayer, and ask God to show you how to help meet the needs of others rather than doing whatever it takes to meet your own.
By Ed and Lisa Young
A Prayer for Today
Dear Lord, Help my motivation to serve you be strong enough to overcome any selfish desires or envy that may be hidden in my heart. Please flush those destructive behaviors out of my life and help me be more focused on meeting the needs of others. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.
PEACE everyone, peace!
HH- I was right there with you in assuming that other people are positive and their intentions good and loving. I had the hardest time ….after 40 years of thinking of him as a guy who was too good for me, and that is why he dumped me at 15 (WRONG…he was psycho then too)….in moving him from the “good guy” column to the “bad guy” column and keeping him there. I rationalized, I thought I didn’t understand, I thought I needed to give him another chance, I thought I needed to be forgiving, I thought I had to be gracious, I thought it was right to be so loving and unconditional in my love, I thought once I said “I love you” that I had to keep on loving no matter what.
Even this Christmas I was placating to a family member who is abusive. IF I DIDN’T LEARN MY LESSON AFTER CRYING FOR MORE THAN A YEAR, WHAT WILL IT TAKE?
Blogger, I’m so used to tieing everyone else’s shoes, that it feels very strange to even worry about whether my own shoes are tied or not!!!
Once when I was physically attacked by a stranger, even when naked, I was still being gracious, like “do you realize it looks like you are going to rape me, and I’m sure that must not be what you are intending, can I help you get a little bit more clarity here about how to express yourself more appropriately?” I SWEAR!!! Finally I woke up and started swinging! I fought him off. But my first incliniation is to be so kind, so gracious, so willing to take the blame.
I have to be REALLY CAREFUL ABOUT WHO I GIVE MY HEART TOO. Even my loving husband says he knows he could flatten me emotionally with just a few words. But he NEVER does. In fact, he has NEVER criticized me, he is so accepting and so loving.
pb—totally understand. I think sometimes our hearts know best what we need. If we are listening with a clear head. I’m so glad you have clarity about it all now, that is such a relief isn’t it?
It’s funny too that since we have been non-exclusive, he’s been a bit more open. That’s how I came to see what was up. I listened to all sorts of other women calling, counted his Cialis when he was clearly lying, and once he was busted, I got to watch him lie to them on the phone. It was amazing.
Sex, for about six weeks between Oct/Nov had become different. It was clearly an effort for him to stay interested. I knew he was investing quite a lot of effort in one of his latest accomplishments (the sister of another woman he was with while we lived together!) and suggested that we stop if he wasn’t into it.
He swore he just changed his technique, but I told him I wasn’t buying it, I know him too well.
I did however make sure that the last time we were together was a mutually satisfying experience. I absolutely did not want the last time we were together to be some distracted, mechanical effort for him. I wanted a good memory of it.
And that’s where I left it two weeks ago.
He’s now taking her, and his daughter to Vegas for New Years – all on credit of course. Too funny!
well, guess i’ll throw my 2 cents in.
the sex with my ex-s/p/n was incredible. even after 20 years, every time i knew i would see him, my heart would pound. we were extremely compatible sexually and i trusted him completely in bed. we had our wild times, but in the last year, i was less and less able to have an orgasm with him. it’s like my body knew something was very wrong. the mechanics were still amazing, but my body and my emotions couldn’t connect with what he was doing and saying any more. the last six months i couldn’t feel anything sexually. now, i feel like i’m dead from the waist down. another non-gift from him, i guess!
christmas was a terrible day for me. i missed him so much. but i didn’t call and i tried to remember that none of what he was to me was real. it’s still incomprehensible.
Sex with my ex S was amazing in the beginning – at least I thought so. From the very start of our relationship till way past the end, he said it was great sex, and thought we had a wonderful connection. He would ask “how can you walk away from such great sex?” The further away I get from him, and the more time that has passed since we last had sex, the more I see how empty it was. And, in the end, it really felt rote, mechanical, and like a porno. Maybe if someone were watching (God, I hope that wasn’t the case) they would say it looked exciting and like great sex. But it was just so empty. I have a great appreciation for sex – I love a great sex life with a loving partner. But sex with an S is just so empty and impersonal. I bet he had sex with every woman the same way.
In the same vein as Wini’s post :):
We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts, we make our world. – Buddha
On life’s journey
Faith is nourishment,
Virtuous deeds are a shelter,
Wisdom is the light by day and
Right mindfulness is the protection by night.
If a man lives a pure life nothing can destroy him;
If he has conquered greed nothing can limit his freedom.
– Buddha
Believe nothing merely because you have been told it.
Do not believe what your teacher tells you merely out of respect for the teacher.
But whatever, after due examination and analysis,
you find to be kind, conducive to the good, the benefit, the welfare of all beings – that doctrine believe and cling to, and take it as your guide. – Buddha
Lostingrief: Your body isn’t dead from the waist down (LOL) … your mind came to the realization of TRUTH that your EX was a selfish individual. Once you realize another is totally selfish … it takes the wind out of your sails … so to speak! Imagine how great sex will be with a person who isn’t self absorbed and selfish and understands how to be loving and kind to their one and only partner … YOU!
Peace.