I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ”˜what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ”˜what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did — before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me — and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say — but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty — because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself — not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be — independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today —Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
ML and rperk,
The person we are learning to trust more than anyone is ourselves because we let ourselves down. We ignored all the signals and gave trust when our bodies told us not to.
My trust issue is with me more than anyone else.
Rperk – you pointed out that what we are learning is to give trust when a person is proven to be trustworthy. I used to trust anyone with my deepest emotions, my everything… thinking they would except my vulnerabilities as me being my authentic self or something like that. I gave people parts of me that didn’t know what to do with, that they had no business having.. and then I felt betrayed when I was attacked or judged or whatever. How embarrassing to admit that.
Dear friends have told me that I can be “transparent.” When I heard this, I wondered, is that good? or not good? I am learning when to be. Being highly selective with my inner being is a learning process for me.
okay…i know you guys know me from going back and forth and here i am at that place where i want to get out again!!!! a few good couple of days then I get a text from the other woman again about him calling her earlier that day telling her things that i said about her (which i did not) and also telling her that i am jealous bc they will always be closer then him and i…but he is wanting to come here in like 3 weeks and get married….married b4 he even moves here. okay i was smart enough to tell him no i cant do that….but now i want to leave again. but every time i try i get the whole speech how i promised not to do this again. not to listen to her…he makes me feel really stupid….for listening to her. i mean she sounds believible when she talks to me…then he sounds believible when he talks to me…..DO I HAVE TO TELL HIM IM DONE THIS TIME OR CAN I JUST BE DONE AND NOT HAVE A GOODBYE TALK????????? he keeps telling me im “the one” for ever….but i cant help but believe her……..!!!
rblue,
I am SURE I told you before… don’t say goodbye. Just disappear. You DO NOT need to tell him why it’s ending or apologize for hurting him. He’s not really hurt. He’s mad that he’s losing control over you.
Change your number. Block his email or better yet, get a new email address and register it under a false name. One of mine is under Elise NoName. He will never find that if he does a yahoo search.
rblue,
LET HER HAVE HIM IF SHE WANTS HIM SO BAD! You at least have this website. You KNOW what you are up against. He is a loser and a manipulator.
Here is one thing I learned… you have one life. Don’t waste your time.. your YEARS of time on someone like that! If you keep doing this, you will one day look back and say, OMG… I wasted so much time with a man that was torturing me when I could have been putting my own life together and meeting nice men and maybe even finding someone REAL who loves me. Each day you waste, you don’t get back. And each day you waste is keeping you farther and farther away from finding the relationship you really want. And by the way.. start with a relationship with yourself.
At this point, YOU ARE ABUSING YOU! Put a stop to it.
Aloha,
That is EXACTLY right…I let myself down and I’m still angry about that (working to get over it). After the scum bag piece of s***, I said I hate people, that was not true, I was scared of people, how they could hurt me. Now I look around a bit more and find there are still good people out there and I am very fortunate to have some of those good honest people in my life. Amazing.
Staying connected with this new girl is just as destructive as staying connected with him.
I had to eventually “drop out” without any explanation, he didn’t deserve one anyway, and he knew. For the longest time, I tried to explain to the scub bag piece of s*** why I couldn’t take it anymore, maybe hoping that he would suddenly come around and see how much he was hurting me and do an about face. I am ashamed to say I did this for almost 6 years.
Never happened. Eventually, I got it, changed my numbers, moved and started a new job. It was hard but not nearly as hard as living every day with the terrible drama and stomach aches.
I keep hearing this over and over lately…you can’t change your past, but today will also be your past so what you do today and tomorrow and so on, can become a very good past for you if you change what you do today.
As hard as it has been for me to wrap my mind around that concept some days, it is so very true. I will never again waste 6 days, let alone 6 years with someone as destructive as he is.
I agree with Aloha, let her have him, jump out of their pathetic, hurtful, evil game. It gets better.
Ok, rperk and Aloha, I do get it now.
This:
“Dear friends have told me that I can be “transparent.” When I heard this, I wondered, is that good? or not good? I am learning when to be. Being highly selective with my inner being is a learning process for me.”
Wow, do I get this. I remain, to my detriment, very unguarded. Not quite as bad as, say, ten years ago, but definitely unguarded. Can’t decide if I think that takes tons of courage, loads of fearlessness, or is just ridiculously silly of me.
Call myself “Saran Wrap” and so do other friends. Some day I hoped to find someone who would not abuse that quality, but appreciate my openness and warmth for what they are.
Agree rblue that you have to get away, even if you have to tell yourself it’s temporary in order to do it. If this man really loves you (and I hate to say it, but men juggling women aren’t the poster children for mature love) he will not be gone for long, or forever. He will give up all other women for you, including the rampant emailer.
At the very least, change your email. Don’t let either one of them disturb you!!
RBLUE,
YOU do not–N-O-T— owe him a thing, not even a F#%K-OFF JERK!
He will tell you ANYTHING to make you blame yourself. If a stranger came up on the street and starting urinating on your leg, would you owe him to tell him POLITELY to quit!? Of course not! Neither do you owe this EVIL man anything.
YOU HAVE GIVEN, he has TAKEN. He has NOT given. He is the lie.
HE IS THE LIE. HE IS THE LIE. HE IS THE LIE. HE IS THE LIE.
Do NOT—N-O-T– talk to him, do NOT e mail him, do NOT read his e mails, do NOT listen to his voice messages, do NOT open the door if he shows up–call the cops–don’t even yell at him through the door. DISAPPEAR if you can. and STAY AWAY FOREVER.
It is the ONLY way you will break free. It is YOUR decision, and YOU must SAVE YOURSELF. But you will also have the concequences if you choose to not save yourself and your child. If you “win” him over the other woman, YOU LOSE.
Take care of yourself RBLUEl–only you can.
I too feel the loss of love and the hope that we might have gotten married and moved to Maine to retire (his promise).
I wasted four years with this man M.L. Gallagher so you are not alone. I saw red flags over and over and ignored them. He was always telling me I was insecure when I suspected his activities and his involvement with at least one other woman.
I believed his lies. He borrowed money from me.
I had many nice men ask me out over the past four years and I turned them down because I thought that I was in a committed relationship. What a fool!
I am currently reading How to Spot a Dangerous Man by Sandra Brown. I should have read this before I got involved with this man. He fits into 2 or 3 of the categories.
1. Emotional Predator: Predators have a natural ability for reading women who are lonely, bored, needy, emotionally wounded or vulnerable. Predators are the most skilled of all dangerous men at seeking and finding women who satisfy their current hunger – whatever it is. Emotional predator’s number one feature is their unbelievable charm.
2. The Man with the Hidden Life: The man with the hidden life leaves women feelin the most “duped” or “fooled”. These men have an uncanny ability to compartmentalize their existences so that their professional lives and their hidden, pathological lives seem to be unrelated – at least in their minds. He has the luxury of living a complete other life beyond your eyes and your knowledge.
All of this almost guarangees that a man with a hidden life is a combo pack. His mental-health issues, addictions, emotional unavailability and predatory instincts combine to make him someone to be feared.
My S. was leading a hidden life with another woman who went to his family functions and vacations. He is an emotional predator and would also fit in as emotionally unavailable. It is indeed a combo pack of psychotic behaviors and I fell for it hook, line and sinker.
This website has been a lifesaver for me. I needed somewhere to talk about my experiences with someone who would understand how a seemingly intelligent woman could be caught in this man’s spider web of deceit.
Hummingbird,
Boy, did you describe my XBF-P! Emotional predator AND the man with the hidden life.
He had so many separate “lives” in so many places, I am not sure HE knew what he wanted or who he was! LOL When his wife caught him (after 32 yrs of abusive marriage) and kicked him to the curb—the “role” he needed of “respectable wife” was unfilled and he decided to tap me for that role, while hanging on to his “harem” which was scattered across several states. Since he was retired and traveled a great deal he could keep them separate and off his back about marriage–but only if he had a respectable wife at home to keep up his image of “respectable member of the community” and to tell them, “I just couldn’t leave poor Jane” “I couldn’t be that cruel” DUH! LOL
I was in the FOG, but I’m not stupid and there were too many connections, including I knew his x wife as long as I had known him, and I also knew one of his long time GFs (8 yrs) so I ended up putting 2+2=4 togther and kicked him to the curb. It BROKE MY HEART to do so–shattered my illusions and my DREAMS, but at least I did ONE thing right in all the Ps I’ve had in my life. EVEN A BLIND PIG GETS AN ACORN NOW AND THEN. Laugh & roll on the floor.