I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ”˜what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ”˜what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did — before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me — and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say — but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty — because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself — not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be — independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today —Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
Strange but before I learned about what a pathological liar was I never understood why she needed to lie so much. Even my children knew she lied continually even when the truth would have work much better for her. Because both the children and I walked on eggshells around her we adopted a way of dealing with her lies by agreeing with her and telling her over and over again saying.. “okay whatever _____”. At least by agreeing with her we avoided her verbal abuse. But yes it is true how they “believe” their own lies. I understand today how by her continue lying she can blame others which then allow her to not accept any responsibility for her own actions.
The reason I stay with the relationship at first was because I did love her but then I stay longer because I loved my children even more. So I guess I can say I stay because of love. Having my children with me today and not being with her (Thank you God) I feel that love did prevail in the end even over her own dysfunctional crazy reasoning and all her lies..
When I was packing to move, my S came home and barked at me “…I don’t remember you having that many plants either!”
He had already started going through my stuff so I was going downstairs to get away from him and let him cool down. “I’m sure you don’t” was my response. He hated that. There was nothing he could say.
I was always walking on eggshells with him and had mastered the minimalist response.
I also noticed that he would exaggerate things; five minutes became an “hour”, a few times became “always”. It made it impossible to have a healthy debate, never mind an argument. He’d go off on some nonsensical tangent or contradict himself.
Eventually, he would argue with me because I was giving him “attitude” in refusing to engage in an argument. I couldn’t win for losing, and he would follow me around the house to various rooms to continue arguing. It was crazy! He’d go in circles, lose it and yell or bang his fists if I dared to poke a hole in his story. Then he’d declare “end of discussion!”. I would walk away then the silly man would follow me to continue. It was absolutely crazy…and it was always HIS house, “I can go wherever I want. It’s MY house.”
He actually ran me out of the house on a number of nights. I slept in the neighbours sauna or in my truck a few times each, and spent many nights sitting in my truck or down in the basement, waiting for him to pass out.
One night the neighbour offered me a room after watching S’s jealous outburst in his own living room about my diaries from two years before we’d started dating. He’d gone home to get cigarettes, I thought, and got into the computer while there and came back rip-snorting jealous.
I thanked the neighbour, but told him that if I stayed there S would for sure think we’d done something. I just waited for him to pass out again.
His drinking was crazy and his boundaries were all screwed up even when sober. He enjoyed humiliating me with his social inappropriateness, overly affectionate, overtly sexual, or standing in a neighbours living room yelling at me about guys I dated years before him. He had no problem involving children or starting an argument in front of other people.
And yes, they lie when they don’t even need to. I can only chalk that up to the feeling of control they must be getting when they lie.
Although there were red flags prior, the first three months of living with him were pleasant and uneventful. And then all hell broke loose for the next six months. I suppose I should be thankful it was quick, but it was nasty and ugly.
I mean, we had agreed we were not exclusive for this last round, and he still lied about the other women. It was stupid.
James, she lies because she’s greedy … greedy to have life always go her way.
I’m glad you are away from a selfish, self absorbed, self centered person. The sooner society understands that they are operating out of total greed, the sooner we can keep them at arms length. The more they are ousted from society, the sooner they should go start to seek professional help to learn how to be a productive member of society. It’s because society in general makes excuses for them still, is the reason it is so rampant in society today. Enough is enough.
Peace. I’m glad you are healing from the likes of her.
pb – I think they always lie if they think the lie is a better response. Even if the two of you agreed to NOT be exclusive, he knows that saying he is not having sex with other women would make him look better and be less likely to cause any conflict. These guys (and women) will say whatever it is they think is the best response, with no consideration, whatsoever, for the truth. And your guy, if he’s like my ex, was so used to lying about women he was having sex with, that he just did so automatically.
My ex S went through a lot of Cialis, too. He was in his early forties, and in good shape, so I don’t think he needed it for a “normal” sex life. But because he wanted to have sex with so many different women in so short a time period, he needed to take it because no man in his forties can have that much sex.
Who are these doctors who are writing endless scripts for these guys? Don’t they sense something is up.
My ex S also insisted on not using a condom. He swore up and down that he wasn’t having sex with anyone else. I told him how important it was that I maintain a healthy lifestyle and not put myself at risk – and he, of course, was adamant that he was not having sex with anyone else. He was having a lot of sex with a lot of women – some of them women who he met online – Craigs list of adultfriendfinder – so these are women who are willing to have unprotected sex with a stranger. I’m so lucky I came out of all of this without an STD.
Yes, they are selfish, self-absorbed, and totally without conscience. I still shake my head, in utter disbelief, when I think about his behavior. I’m learning more and more from this site, and other resources, about Sociopaths, and he is classic. And he does what they do – lie, cheat, steal, behave in an outrageously promiscuous manner, and generally behave like a monster. Even though I know he’s an S, and does exactly what an S does, I’m still shocked at it, and still think “How could he have done this??” I guess I have to accept that I will never understand. I’m incapable of understanding. I just want to stop feeling pain around his behaviors. I know I shouldn’t take it personally – but dammit…the man I thought I was madly in love with, the man who I thought was my soulmate, betrayed me over and over and over again – while I had taken his children into my home, while I took care of him in every way. How can you not be hurt?
Nic, I’m sorry your ex S didn’t call about your daughter. That’s so sad. They are so unreliable, and can be counted on to do whatever they want to do in the moment – with no regard for anyone else whatsoever, including children. I am so sad for my ex S’s children. He used them like toys – when he wanted to play with them he would, but he would ditch them in a second if he had an opportunity to have sex with a stranger. These guys (and women) will do exactly what they want whenever they want. Their promises are worth nothing. Their word is worth nothing. My ex S never came through with anything he “promised” to me or his kids. He never came through with anything unselfish. Sometimes it looked like he was being kind or generous, but in hindsight I can see that it was always self-serving. He would never do something for someone else if it was inconvenient for him.
About the lies….I agree with HH. They are so focused on you and how to manipulate you that everything out of their mouth is what they think you want to hear. I remember my ex was visiting and we were having a conversation. He happened to be staring in the direction of the window, which I didn’t even notice. I heard a noise and turned around to look out the window. My ex immediately said “I wasn’t looking at any women!” (!!!!!) My unit faces the pool, so all summer long there are half naked people parading around in viewing distance. It had never even occurred to me that he was looking at them. But those words just came out of his mouth because he thought it’s what I wanted to hear. When he did come to visit me at the pool one day, he made it a point not to even glance in the direction of any other woman. He was so focused on me, it was creepy. I mean, when you’re walking around the pool area, you can’t help noticing people around you. He made it his life work for those few months to be everything he thought I wanted him to be. From the first day we met, he tried to be everything I wanted in a man. He even tried to change a very hard-to-change light bulb in my kitchen. I never asked him to do it, and in fact I had scheduled someone else to come and do it. But he insisted. We had just met that day! He also talked about how he wanted to buy me some new snake cages that were very expensive, again, on the first day we met. After I got over the creepiness factor, I thought I’d met the guy of my dreams.
How many opportunities have these people had in their lives for a good relationship? More than all of us here together. They want what they see in us, until they have it, then they are bored with it. Life is a constant drama filled conquest for them. They leave us for stimulation. They will never settle for one person – that is just too boring for them. Their minds are constantly in drive – looking for the next best thing – always thinking the next one will be the one. I feel like a misfit for wanting something as boring as a monogomous relationship.. What’s wrong with wanting one horney man to spend the rest of what’s left of my life with? Seem’s like it just about the sex with them, performance – they don’t make love – they dont have a clue how to do that. What in the hell is wrong with me? Seem’s like I am the one that is delusional and out of touch with reality. Love is above the waist isn’t it? Sorry bloggers – I went out to the club’s tonite – a total waste of gas…
Mornin SunShine!
Nope , I did the same thing, offered Him a Life or at least a Home base.
He says, I wish I could do what you do! What I do is relax kickback , enjoy peace!
How are you suposed to enjoy sex if there is no emotional bond there? If it only means something to one person!
Henry did you get my Christmass present to you? I sent a blow up Chris P doll! :)~ LOVE JJ
funny I posted the above post then scrolled up – had no idea you all were discussing sex – yeah I love sex – wild to mild – but that can be shared – my X couldn’t make eye contact during sex or he would go limp – so I made it a point not to look him in the eye – he had this disconnected look in his face, like he was in pain – I tried to show him that sex can be a spiritual experience – something special shared between two people in love – there was one big problem tho – he was not in love
no indi I did not get your xmas present – I was hoping you would fall down my chimney –