I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ”˜what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ”˜what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did — before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me — and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say — but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty — because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself — not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be — independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today —Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
Good Morning everybody! I love logging on and seeing what SG, Henry, and Indy wrote since I last posted last night. I read your posts and think “yes, yes, yes.” I’ve said this a thousand times, but its so comforting talking to you guys.
Yes, Indy, how are you supposed to enjoy sex if there’s no emotional bond? It seems to me that it is fundamentally impossible to have really good, passionate, sex with an S. I think that we THINK its good because we have so much desperate longing for this man, and so thrilled that we have his attention, that our nerve endings are on fire, our psyches are in overdrive, and we are so turned on my our own desperation and longing that we think its good sex. But its really just emotions and desperation in overdrive. I thought sex was great with S for a while, until I learned the real truth about it (and that took a while, I had significant denial), but when I allowed myself to really see what he was – I realized the sex was empty, mechanical, and exploitative.
Henry – I think you are dead-on with the “they get bored thing.” My ex S seemed to think I was the most fascinating person, and was riveted by everything I said. (Boy did I eat that up – once I got over the “creepiness” factor, like SG). But then in a few months, it seemed like just being around me was tedious for him. Like I was so horribly boring that it was a drain to be with me. And I found myself working harder and harder to keep him entertained. I would save up funny stories from my day, or collect interesting tidbits of current events or trivia through the day to dazzle him with later. And what would he do for me? NOTHING. I was trying so hard, it makes me angry.
And SG, your pool story is so much like so many stories I have!!!! He would lie to me about things that he didn’t need to – like he was lying defensively all the time. Once he came over (before he moved in with me), and I complimented his shirt. He said “I have no idea who gave this shirt to me.” Obviously it was a gift from a woman. I would have had no idea of this – but he knew it, and lied automatically. Another time he pulled a long hair off of his sweater (I assumed it was mine) and said “I have no idea how this hair got on my sweater.” I never would have thought the hair was anyone’s but mine (until the end when I woke up), but he was always guilty of something (though never feeling guilty), and always lying. He didn’t need to, but it was his M.O.
Healing Heart:
I did the exact same thing….save up funny stories from my day, in fact I pushed myself to do more exciting things so I’d have better stories!
So sad all the time and energy I wasted on him. …
HH: “I have no idea who gave me this shirt.” “I have no idea how this hair got on me”. ROFLMAO!!!!!! That seriously cracked me up. I can see my ex giving the shirt line to his wife because I bought him a t-shirt from a concert he was supposed to go to with me. That line “I have no idea where this (fill in – shirt, scar, hickey, etc.) came from” probably comes directly out of “Sociopathy 101”.
Yes, I think after the fascination of dating the most popular person on the reptile site wore off, my ex probably got bored with me. He probably had someone else (besides his wife) on the line but still wanted to string me along just in case he was bored. As painful as it was, I can’t imagine if I’d let it continue past the 2-1/2 months where I’d be. My self-esteem is already in the gutter right now.
LIG, HH, pb, et al: I think it is possible to have great sex and chemistry with a person who doesn’t care about you, because your mind fills in all the blanks. “If he can be this great a lover, surely he must love me.” “This must mean something to him”. Some of this depends on our personality type and how we approach relationships. I have 4 planets in Scorpio (including Venus) and have a very deeply sensual/sexual side. I have been attracted to more than my fair share of bad boys and had amazing chemistry with them, only to feel betrayed and abandoned when I don’t hear from them for months. This is my personal hell that I hope to change some day. The irony is that the S seemed so opposite of the guys I usually go for. For me, I don’t need to love a man or have him love me to have great sex. But there must at least be the promise of it. With the S, the sex happened a little too soon. But I allowed it because I believed the intimacy would deepen and our sex life would be incredible. In short, I trusted him to stick around and to be what he said he was. If he had been an honest person, this is exactly what would have happened; the sex would have gotten better and better.
I have had many “promising” affairs that just didn’t pan out. I always wondered why the guy didn’t want to explore intimacy in the same way I did. I always took it personally. Now I realize it has to do with the type of guys I pick. And the lack of self-respect for sleeping with them too soon, if I’m being brutally honest.
I also feel numb right now, sexually and emotionally (I believe those two are tied). I think I have so much anger inside of me over all the betrayals. They seem to pile up, but I never got the lesson. This recent S was like the wake up call. Deal with the abandonment/betrayal issues. They seem everywhere for me right now.
Well, that may be true, Stargazer, that you need to deal with the abandonment/betrayal issues….it was/is true for me. But we need to remind ourselves that without bad guys, no problem. (Of course now we know there are bad guys so we need to work on those issues).
My husband and I mailed out wedding invitations 2 WEEKS after our first date, were married 5 weeks after the first date. Dumb? Stupid? Risky? Of course!!! But it didn’t turn out to be a disaster…in fact it turned out wonderful, especilaly now, nearly 38 years later, we finally have it TOTALLY right….. becuase HE IS NOT A BAD GUY. Here I am, with my issues, but I’m not getting hurt by him because HE IS NOT A BAD GUY. He is a loving man, kind to everyone including the waitress, and capable of great intimacy.
The real problem is THE BAD GUYS. But we have the ability to respond…responsibility….and we can arm ourselves against the BAD GUYS by dealing with our betrayal bond issues, etc.
Thanks again for the support, j.a.h. Good point. I have had some wonderful guys in my life who would have never abandoned me. I was the one who sent them away.
star: wow! i could have written every single word of your post. none of my ‘relationships’ ever wanted to explore intimacy on any deep level either. i always blamed myself for not being ‘this’ enough or ‘that’ enough. it is about the type of guy we pick.
without the ‘excitement’ of great sex, i always felt empty. the ‘nice’ guys were the ones i dumped. the s/p/n’s were the ones who dumped me and who i couldn’t get enough of.
but this last one did me in for real.
i am numb too, and as i said in an earlier post, i feel dead from the waist down. and i think that is exactly what i need right now, because while my sensual/sexual side is alive in there somewhere, i need to settle in to the emotional (instead of just intellectual) understanding that spiritual excitement, and socially-consc(ience) excitement are equally valid and important. bottom line, stop giving myself over to those men who are one- dimensional … or in the case of our pod-lunatics … non-dimensional!
star: i just pulled your self-esteem out of the gutter, washed it, rinsed it, dried it, folded it nice and neat, and i am now handing it back to you. happy new year.
you, my dear, are an amazing and beautiful child of god. the ‘snake whore’ you were with didn’t deserve you for one second (let alone months).
now, repeat after me: i am full of self love; i am perfect just as i am!
HH: “i found myself working harder and harder to keep him entertained.” amen.
and isn’t that some exhausting shit!!???
i ain’t gonna lie. i miss him a lot sometimes. but the energy i’ve saved in just the last four months could generate power for a small city.
speaking of lying when ya’ don’t have to … check this out.
my ex told me he had found a kitten in the woods behind his house. he said it was meowing … all alone. scared, cold, frightened. he searched for it for 10 minutes and then rescued it. he brought it in to his house and helped his kids wash it and dry it and give it warm milk.
a week later i was in his car and found adoption papers for said kitten. when i asked him what THAT was about, he said he wanted me to think he was a hero.
what a ZERO!
Yes! That is some exhausting shit!!!!!!! So friggin’ exhausting!!!! I was so exhausted and drained by the time I left him that I felt like I hardly had energy to do anything.
I worried about how friggin’ happy he was all the time, and did everything from talk politics to wearing uncomfortable lacey lingerie with underwire that poked my skin and thongs that rode up my ass…..all to keep his sorry ass entertained. AND HE WAS SUCH A LOSER. What in the hell was I doing putting all my life force into trying to engage this loser??!!
It’s really nice not to be worrying about how he’s doing anymore and to be worrying about myself, instead.
And I miss him too, LG. I hate it that I miss him. But I do. Thankfully its decreased a lot, and continues to decrease with every day of NC.