I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ”˜what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ”˜what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did — before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me — and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say — but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty — because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself — not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be — independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today —Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
LIG: HUGS!!! I cannot get over how much you guys are helping me today. the “snake whore” HAHAHAHAHA. I wish I would ever have the opportunity to call him that! I’m glad your lying POS didn’t take your sense of humor away from you. If he did, it certainly came back.
Hey, I just had an idea….since we both feel numb from the waist down, we could pretend we have a head injury and play the army for millions! (This is what my S is doing, pretending he has no feeling from the waist down).
I once had a major crush on the guy who founded my massage school and was one of my teachers there. He was a brilliant and fascinating man, and we had many things in common. I was his best and brightest student, so he definitely took notice. Our admiration was mutual, but we couldn’t date because a) I was his student, and b) I had a boyfriend (the emotionally unavailable man). Long after the bf and I split and I graduated from massage school, I finally met up with the massage teacher. He had some health issues and had sold the school. He didn’t think he had many more years left to live, which didn’t bother me. After so many years of dreaming about him, we finally had a passionate affair, which, I thought was the beginning of a relationship. Instead, he traveled back and forth to his homes in different states and “looked me up” every 3-6 months. I got sick of it pretty quickly and stopped taking his calls. A year went by and I forgot about him. Then he called me out of the blue one day. I was very angry at him, which he listened to and helped me process. He was moving back to Denver permanently and told me he was sorry he had abandoned me and that he had done some work on his abandonment issues in my absence. He wanted to start dating me. He talked about motorcycle rides to the mountains, taking me to dinner, blah blah blah. He swore there hadn’t been any other women in his life, that he was preoccupied with health issues (this could possibly be true). So he came to visit for a few hours. We did not sleep together but immediately felt a sense of closeness and intimacy. The chemistry was unbelievable and not like anything I had ever experienced. I completely expected him to call me soon after. That was a year and a half ago. I have never heard from him since.
To say I’ve had bad luck with men is like saying the Titanic had bad luck with an iceberg.
HH: ROFL …!
that post was SOOOOO funny. it’s amazing what women do to try to entertain men. if they want thongs up yer ass, let ’em go to a strip club! geezus, who needs that crap!
do you think the reason we miss them is because we think they’re happy? honestly, if i thought that he was miserable and treating his new pregnant gf (AND wife) like crap, i wouldn’t miss him AT ALL!!!
what does that mean?
Isn’t it strange that we all “seemed” to think the intimacy was great at the beginning, yet it just petered out (pun intended) after a short time? Mine couldn’t get enough of me for the first 6 months we were together, then when he had gotten a job (finally) , & worked in a big box store around bunches of other women, all of a sudden, he was too worn out for sex. He even faked heart problems to get out of it. The rest of the time I wasted on him was like this, hot & cold. I couldn’t even remember the last time we had been together when we split, I think close to a year. We all have so many similarities in our lives, it’s as if we all should be related. Sad way to get to know each other, yet only possible with our shared pain. God has a plan for all of us.
star: ya’ know. i really do think that my equally horrific experiences with men is because i always expect them to have the same sensibilities as women … you know all those amazing qualities that make us more or less superior to them in every way!
maybe we just need to come to terms with the fact that they are very different beings than we are … sort of a sub-species of women!
(sorry henry, and indigo and southernman, et al)… you are all exceptions!
i MUST go for a long walk … it’s 65 degrees out with a great breeze. like an overcast aruba!
later.
lostingrief: It means you have to work on yourself getting centered in a humble way. Have you read Tolle’s book yet? “A New Earth”? Tolle specifically speaks about the ego … how everyone has one (it’s the human condition). He speaks about the Pain Body and how everyone carrys their pain body from their childhoods around with them. He explains how you can rid yourself of the pain body (what we call, someone pushing our buttons) … he explains how to go silent, go in to the “now” … which is to be humble.
Great read. After you read Tolle … you can go on to Oprah.com … look up her spiritual site … put in Tolle’s name as a search … and listen to his 10 tapes on all ten chapters.
After you do this … you will not care one way or the other what your EX is doing or not doing. I’d like to suggest this book to all our EXs too … but obviously, they aren’t ready yet to become Spiritually Enlightened.
Peace.
LIG, I think it’s partly human nature to think the grass is greener. You are looking at it as, “is he happy?” rather than “is he a good person?”. I’m sure Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer were in a state of celestial bliss when they were killing and chopping all those people up! I’m sure your ex gets some sort of happiness out of being in control or whatever else in his life feeds his ego. It cannot be true happiness when he’s left a wake of destruction behind him. It’s the worst case of denial. This is what is so painful, isn’t it? That we are left struggling, and they go on their merry way whistling a tune as if nothing ever happened. I hate them.
Well, this has been very therapeutic this morning. Thanks for all of you being my therapist until I can afford a real one. I am going out to buy myself one little piece of clothing. I haven’t bought anything like this for myself in so long.
Peace out,
StarG
StarG: I don’t know what irked Bundy, but Dahmer killed because he wanted to keep the people he loved with him for ever! That is beyond sad. He apologies to everyone in the court room and he apologized to the family members … he told everyone he didn’t kill for the thrill of killing … and he knew he was sick, he just didn’t know how to stop it. He was abandoned by his parents when they divorced. Both parents assuming the other parent was in touch with Jeffrey. Neither parent realized they had indeed abandoned him … they were too busy licking their own wounds due to their marriage ending.
His life story is the perfect example that humans don’t know everything … why someone does anything. God knows what was in Jeffrey’s heart when he killed the people he loved.
Peace.