I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ”˜what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ”˜what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did — before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me — and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say — but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty — because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself — not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be — independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today —Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
StarG: Good for you … keep the economy flowing!
Peace.
HH and everyone. Well, i’m glad this is an anonymous site because I’m about to make some very embarrassing confessions. NOT ONLY did I get all new underwear, I worked out, I took self-defense courses and broke my toe kick boxing, I took on an exciting second job where I literally risked my life (so impressive you know, such exciting stories to tell!), I had lazer, I had multiple wax jobs (never again!!!), I straightened my teeth, I took up his hobby, I got new lotions and potions, I bought sex toys and books and tapes and magazines for him, I started drinking for him, I read books that he sent me whether I wanted to or not, I drove hours and hours for him, I bought him expensive gifts, I did new things sexually, once without my permission, I got new clothes, new luggage, new purse, made elaborate surprises for him that were very time consuming (like you would not believe!!!!) , I saved his life once he claims (darn!), (actually I supposedly talked him out of suicide when he was about 18, probably just a show), I lent the mega-millionaire money, I stayed in cheap rooms with him, I got nada for my birthday, I emailed him more than a thousand emails I’m sure, and on and on it goes. When I said he was a second job for me, I was not kidding. Now add in all my therapy bills and all the time that takes…..argghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Damn, Girl! You are one lotioned & potioned, straight-toothed, waxed and lasered, well-read, well-toned, two-job having, kick-boxing ass-kicker! WOW! I hope you did some of those things for you – not just for him. From now on you do that stuff for YOU, not for him, because you deserve it! You deserve to have all the things and be all the things that you did for him. But do them for yourself because you are awesome!!!
He doesn’t deserve you. YOU deserve you. You sound like a firecracker! YOU GO GIRL!!
Justabouthealed,
Now you have my curiosity about your exciting job where you risked your life? I had one of those too. I wonder if it was the same job?
Wini,
You may be right—I don’t know the details of Jeffrey Dahmer’s story or why he claimed to do what he did. But the point I was trying to make (that maybe didn’t come out right) was that “happiness” for a sociopath is all relative. It is not something we can compare our own happiness to.
Oh – screw the wax jobs. Those suck. As do cheap hotel rooms and cheap sex.
But the good stuff – keep that up! Everything you did that feels good, and not demeaning, DO THAT!! Screw him – he sucks to demand anything of you – but maybe its a good lesson for you to take care of yourself for you sake. Not his.
And again, leave that waxing bullshit behind. Laser is much better. Wax his ass.
StarG: If you read all the past posts … they are all the same, someone did this or that with other women/other men on the side, their EXs took this or that possession of theirs, their EXs got their names on the deeds to this or that house/condo/vacation home/vehicle/whatever it was … the EXs gave them all lip service, the EXs used the children as a pawn to get their way, the EXs didn’t pay child support, the EX had multiple children with multiple partners … nothing I did mattered to the EX … I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, handsome enough … sexual enough … I wasn’t, I wasn’t, I wasn’t …
Enough of all the human illusions … all the EXs live in their Big EGOs. Period. They can win a zillion dollars and complain about the taxes they will need to pay … then they won’t pay it … and complain how the IRS is after them …. NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING that comes from their big EGOS will ever make them happy … oh, for a split second it will/does … but how many seconds in a life time is there? More than a split second. Therefore, all our EXs are miserable. Period … and then will be miserable until they learn how to become humble again and believe in God.
Peace.
HH….you made me laugh out loud! Several times! Thank you!
At first I could not enjoy the improvements I made, because they were for HIM. My therapist worked to get me over that. I guess I still struggle with that a bit.
Stargazer….I’m so afraid of saying something that will reveal my identity to people that know the real me, because I always recommend this site, but don’t want my real-life friends to know all the details of my ordeal…but I worked to capture bad guys, interacting with them in setups (nothing to do with sex!!!), who hurt innocents. And you?
HH….I think your therapist hat is showing. That is a good way to think of it…I did need a lesson about taking care of myself. In so many ways, in so many areas. That is a good label to put on this whole thing…..LEARNING TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. Including innoculating me from ever getting involved with another BAD MAN.
Ps I did drop that line of work. I decided even if it was to capture bad guys….and we did….I didn’t like practicing deceiving even a horrible guy. That is not a skill I want to refine…and I think I developed it living with a psychological abuser as a child, where I had to mold myself to be what they wanted. I felt I was practicing the bad skill of molding myself to get someone’s trust to the point that they would admit what they were doing. Plus the psychiatrist said I should be careful about deliberating exposing myself to more trauma, and I was having to do that, and then I had to try to get the scenes out of my mind…not good…while remembering enough to testify if needed. But I had exciting stories to impress my guy!! YUCKO!!!!!