I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ”˜what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ”˜what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did — before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me — and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say — but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty — because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself — not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be — independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today —Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
Stargazer
Okay, speaking of exposing oneself to more trauma, the covert sexual abuse in my family apparently wasn’t enough for me. In my mid-thirties I became a private exotic dancer. I used to go to strange guys’ homes in the middle of the night and dance for them. That was my dangerous job. Had I known about sociopaths back then, I would have never done it. I thought psychos were one in a million. Fortunately for me, I never had any major problems. I got in, got enough money to get financially stable, and got out. I really feel as if a higher power was watching over me.
I can see how your job would have been traumatizing, too, j.a.h. Just being around the dregs of society for so many hours a day, you cannot help be affected by it. It took me several weeks to detox from my job, and I only did it very part time.
Good thing this site is anonymous.
Stargazer
Learning to manipulate my clients was also a big part of my job. I had to pretend I liked them and found them attractive, and to some extent, be what they wanted me to be for an hour, i.e., give them their fantasy. This was my foray into sociopathy. It changed my personality and my real feelings went underground.
Wini
StarG: Yes, that’s called exercising your EGO. Same with our EXs … it’s all role playing … and not being real, therefore, not being true to yourself, not listening to your inner voice. You can make excuses for years … until … well until you’ve had enough.
neveragain
SG- I was just one big act sexually with the P. The book (sorry I always refer to books!) Women Who Love too Much describes a woman who could be a wild woman with other men, but when it came time to be with the guy she actually fell in love with and who loved her and could handle true intimacy, she was the one who was holding back. That is me with my husband. I’m so SHY with him! It is ridiculous, after all these years! But it is because I’m REAL with him, no play acting. I am getting closer to being able to come out of my shell with him…but what a contrast with my playacting self! It does help me today to know I was never able to be real with the P, especially sexually. I think that is a good thing. And now I know if I’m not able to be real around someone, that is a sign I’m in the presence of a controller.
I’m also a very good speech giver, even a couple of thousand people doesn’t’ phase me, I’m able to just get out there and reach people. But one on one….I’m back to shy unless I force myself, because then there is no acting. Speech making is a bit of an act. I also try to avoid that now days too….I just want to be 1000% real….and when I do have to give a speech, I’m much less of a ham than I used to be.
SG–being around the bad guys was part time for me too, a week at a time, here or there. And it would all hit me about 4 days after I’m home and I would just collapse and cry and have the worse time getting the images out of my head.
neveragain
LOL…I didn’t meant to sound like I always give speeches to thousands! I did aobut 3000 once a LONG time ago, now it is just a couple hundred or less for my job, and I’m going to have to stop referring people I know to this site because I’m identifying myslf to people who know me I think! ARGGGhh.
And I am too addicted to this and am not doing my job, so signing off for awhile, I really am this time!
Healing Heart
Me too, as I need to work! – this has been a great day for commiserating and laughing with you guys. It’s hard to stay away as it feels like the most meaningful and connected thing I do at times. And for some reason, today has been especially good for me.
You guys are awesome – I’m so glad to know you and have you share with me.
I’m going to try to do some work, too!
Stargazer
You guys have helped me so much today. I went out and did my part for the economy today. It should be flowing for quite a while after my little clothing shopping spree. I am truly dangerous with a credit card and should never be trusted with one. Oh well! The most useful thing I bought was one of those one piece body slimmer girdle/bra thingies that makes you look thinner under your clothes. I burned a hole in my old one a few weeks ago when I accidentally set it on a candle flame (I’m pretty special I know.) This was the same day I also set my hair on fire in another candle flame. Anyway, maybe pretty soon we’ll find out justabouthealed is somebody famous!
Justabouthealed, I’d rather have a real relationship and take my time with sex any day than a wild passionate fling with some bad boy that you don’t know if he’s gonna call the next day. I think it’s awesome that you are able to have such a strong relationship with your husband, especially as a result of your ordeal. If this is not making lemonade out of lemons, I don’t know what is.
Stargazer
I’m signing off now for the best part of the shopping spree–getting to try on all my new clothes and match them up with the rest of my clothes (of which I have very many). I also get to see if the mirrors in the clothing stores are the kind that make you look 10 pounds thinner. If they are, the clothes are going right back!
Peace out homeys,
StarG
neveragain
Yeah right, famous. Glad you think I sound like something other than dirt. The P sure didn’t think much of me! I’m famous in a tiny, tiny pond, and it’s just my job. Take that away and I’m not even a ripple in the pond either!
But my job is vital and I hope and pray that I’ve gotten enough closure today to sign off until next Saturday. If you see me on here before then, kick me off!
Rosa
At the time, I was aware of everything that is mentioned in the above article, AND I STILL WENT BACK FOR MORE!!!
For me, it was more like a drug addiction. My obsession with my S boyfriend took on a physical manifestation. I literally ached at times.