Why did I stay with the sociopath?

The book, “Predators” I am reading by Dr. Anna Salter, who is a sexual abuse specialist talks very much about the way the abuser thinks and how the public thinks.

Up until 1930 the child-victim was BLAMED for seducing the adult male! Yes, official psychiatric circles blamed the child’s “sexually acting out!” Even up to the 1970s this attitude was what prevailed in many circles. It takes GENERATIONS for the attitudes of the general public to change about any given stigma. (especially something sexual)

Even though “sexual” mores have changed in our society, there are still people who have these outdated “ideas” stuck in their minds. Logically, they know that the child is not to blame, yet, they still have the emotions attached that even they dont’ understand where they came from.

If you asked them “is the child to blame?” They would of course say “NO!” yet, underneath it all is this feeling of shame for the family involved, and even for the child.

Though it wasn’t a case of sexual abuse, but with my son in prison I felt shame at telling people where he was. Yesterday someone asked my son D where he got the pair of custom, elephant skin boots that he wears and my usual (in the past) response would have been “we know a boot maker in Texas” but I actually said, “I have a son in prison who learned to make boots and he made them for D.” It really wasn’t any of the person’s business, but I wanted to see how I would feel about saying it, and I DID NOT FEEL GUILTY. I am finally able to not feel a stigma that has nothing to do with ME. I do not feel shame for someone else’s acts. No one is going to project it on to me either.

Of course I am not going to go around, meeting people shaking their hand and saying’ Hi, my name is Oxy, and Oh, by the way, I have a son in prison.” But neither am I going to HIDE THE TRUTH any more. I’m tired of compartmentalizing my own life to “who knows about P son and who doesn’t” or “who do I have to hide the truth from and who don’t I?”

Childhood dysfunction, I think ANY kind of denying of reality, whether it is sexual abuse by a family member, or any covering up of reality that the child knows and is told “it doesn’t exist.” Or that “if it does exist, it is your fault” is abuse that follows us to adulthood and helps make us vulnerable to the Ps—and their denial of reality in the face of evidence to the contrary.

I will no longer deny reality—I don’t think we can heal as long as we try to pretend that something doesn’t exist.

The analogy that I made to conceptualize with this is a big pile of cat crap in the middle of the living room floor (please excuse the analogy being scatological) and when the stink starts to get bad, we lay a piece of carpet over it, but though we can no longer SEE it, it still stinks. The cat comes in and does it again, and more carpet pieces over it until the pile reaches nearly to the ceiling. If someone else says, “Why don’t you clean up the cat crap?” We say “What cat crap?” and they say, “Oh, yea, your cat keeps crapping in the middle of your floor and you keep covering it up” and we say WHAT CAT?

In order to heal we have to throw the cat out the darned door, and then clean up the mess it has made, but we can’t do that until we recognize that WE HAVE A CAT. As long as we try to fix the problem by denying the presence of the cat, it’s continued bad behavior, and covering up the mess, we can never get our house clean. It is only recognizing that we have a cat, that it is not behaving properly, decide we don’t want a cat that isn’t litter trained, throw it out, and gag and clean up the mess. The longer we have been in denial, the bigger the mess is likely to be.

Hummingbird, I think the progress you are making in talking to the other people that have been impacted by your “hidden life” is so theraputic and shows that you are on the correct path to healing and recovery from all this chos in your life.

I don’t know a single person who has not done things that impacted adversely on others. It is beiing willing to take responsibility for our own acts that are less than what we would like to think about ourselves, and to move forward.

We cannot change the past, we can only change our own reactions to the past, we can only move FORWARD.

If we try to “cover up” the past failures to act as we should have, we DENY and it is like the “stink” hidden under the carpet. I think that most people can recognize true contrition,, and true changes of heart and RESPECT that.

My son C’s X-wife “verbalized” repentence, and contrition, but she CONTINUED HER BLAMING OF OTHERS, and did not accept responsibility for her behaviors. Therefore it was easy to see that she was lying through her teeth.

Actually I think her “fake contrition” was a benefit to my son C in his own healing path in that he could SEE that her words did NOT FIT her actions. If her contrition had been REAL it I think would have made it more difficult for him, but because she was such a FAKE he is more able to see that there was NOTHING HE COULD HAVE DONE to have made it any different.

I have no doubt that he loved her, and because no one is a perfect spouse, those that truly CARE always seem to feel that there just MIGHT HAVE been something they could have done different to have had a different outcome.

Your willingness to own up and accept responsibility for your behavior in all this, bodes well for your own healing, and mending bridges that you may have dynamited by past behavior. I applaud you loudly for your courage to make these amends. I truly KNOW how difficult it is to accept less than perfection in our own behavior, that has been the biggest hurdle for me. ((((hugs))))

Hummingbird,

I know that I never felt truly “empowered” myself until I started to feel it recently. If I stood my ground on a boundary of just about any kind, I had to get a “validation” from someone else that my boundary was “reasonable.”

Gosh, when I look back on it I wonder WTF? Why did I feel so powerless that I couldn’t even stand my ground for an OBVIOUS BULLY without feeling guilty about it, or unsure of it.

Why was I so unsure of myself, my own “right” and so afraid to step on someone else’s “feelings” because THEY STOMPED ON MY RIGHTS.????

I have never had a great deal of trouble sincerely apologizing but you know, I have “apologized” so many times for what SOMEONE ELSE DID…and I took the responsibility and the GUILT.

In talking to my X-BF-P’s X wife (that I had known casually for years) she said to me, “You know, I haven’t had to say “I’m sorry” in the last SIX MONTHS, it is wonderful”

She had been doing the same thing, saying “I”m sorry” over and over to him for WHAT HE DID! SHEESH! Why do we do that? Own someone else’s guilt, PLUS OUR OWN?

In addition, when I would apologize I was sincere in my apology, desperately so, but when others would make a Phony apology, Like Eliot Spritzer (LOL) I would “accept” it, even though I KNEW IT WAS BS, A LIE. I felt uncomfortable doing it, but I thiought I was BOUND TO DO SO, no matter HOW phony it was.

Sometimes when you do make a very SINCERE apology, and an appropriate accepting of responsibility, others will not accept your apology. Not just not give you “another chance” to repair the relationship, but maintain their anger and wrath at you. If they choose to NOT accept my apology, it used to devestate me, and I would literally plead with them to BELIEVE me that I was indeed sincere.

During all the chaos last spring and summer, I got really angry with myt mother because she would NOT even look at the evidence against the Trojan Horse P that I had paid the private investigator to complie for me (thinking taht she would believe that) and I became frustrated, and called her a “senile old bat” and stomped out of her house. Before the door closed behind me and I felt badly for saying this and turned around and went back inside the door and SINCERELY apologized for saying that, accepted responsibility for it, etc. She REFUSED To accept my apology because it didn’t “sound sincere enough to her” Later, I re-apologized and again she refused to accept my apology (I think I must have hit a nerve LOL) and I BEGGED her with tears in my eyes to accept my apology, and she still refused.

NOW, however, if I apologize to someone in all sincereity and they don’t accept it, or even don’t acknowledge it, I simply say, “I value our relationship, and My apology is sincere, but if you choose not to accept it, I’ve done all I can.” Then I walk away and don’t look back.

All I can do is to sincerely apologize, make ammends if I can, and it is up to the other person how the relationship goes from there. I used to think that I needed to demean myself by grovelling like a dog before the aggressor dog to try to convince them I was sincere, but now, I realize that is not necessary.

All that said, I no longer accept “socially fake apologies” as valid either.

The friend who helped me wonderfully last summer when I was “crazy” and fleeing my home, has some anger issues. He will spontaneously almost “explode” in an outburst of anger. He was married to a couple of personality dysfunctional people, one who died and the other who was most likely a P. He has NOT resolved these anger issues and gets angry over things that really are none of his business (not things done to him by you) but angryly criticizes you for how you handled a situation. The last time he “went off” on me about how stupid I was about something I had done (which really wasn’t stupid at all) I listened for a few minutes and then turned and walked away from him. He has never apologized for his outburst which was TOTALLY inappropriate and quite ill-informed actually. And, I have never called him since. He has never called me. I am sorry that our relationship ended this way, but at the same time, the ball is in HIS court, not mine. I have a perfect RIGHT to not allow anyone to speak to me in that manner. If he does not handle his OWN problems well, I can’t let them bleed over into my life.

He’s not a bad man, in fact, he is quite a good man, but he is very opinionated and judgmental and projects his own problems. I can’t “fix” him, HE MUST FIX HIMSELF, and until he WANTS to fix himself, until HE SEES the problem is HIS, not mine, we won’t see each other. That may be very well why he has so FEW FRIENDS…because he drives them away. Yet, I will always be very grateful and have a special place in my heart for all that he did for me last summer.

Gratitude for what he has done for me does not mean I must allow him to speak to me in a disrespectful manner.

Our Ps play on the universal “law of reciprosity” among ALL people of ALL cultures. You do me a good turn, I owe you one. It does NOT mean, you do me a good turn and that gives you a right to abuse me. P’s don’t believe in the “Law of Reciprosity” but they KNOW YOU DO, and they use this AGAINST US. Even if a person has done you 1000 “good turns” and you have not had the opportunity to return the favors, that does NOT, NEVER WILL, give them the right to ABUSE you. Yet, we feel guilty if we stand up for ourselves when the Ps start the abuse because we look at what “good things” they have done prior to the abuse.

One of the things that we (people pleasers) must get through our heads, is that EVEN IF he needs the money to pay for a PET scan of his kidnesys (which I don’t believe for one minute) IT IS NOT OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO PROVIDE IT.

There are children in the US today who go to bed HUNGRY. That is a fact, there are children in this world and the US that are beaten and unhappy, and abused, there are people with NO INSURANCE–you dont know these people so you don’t feel responsible to SAVE each and every one of them (even if you could) IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

JUST BECAUSE YOU KNOW HIM, it is NOT your responsibility to provide money for his medical care (if he needed it) WHY SHOULD YOU “FEEL GUILTY”?

I am my mother’s only child. My sons are her only grandchildren. Before all this chaos, I had had her COMPLETE power of attorney to manage her finances and medical care if she needed it. In march of last year, without telling me, she REVOKED MY POWER OF ATTORNEY and gave it to my DIL. She revoked my right to know any of her medical information.

Now that the family has “blown apart” a first cousin of mine has her POA, which is only “for emergencies” but you know, I felt guilty because I COULD NOT TAKE CARE OF HER, OVERSEE HER MEDICAL CARE, ETC. But one day it dawned on me. I did not have the AUTHORITY, to do so if I wanted to (I didn’t want to but I felt guilty because I didn’t want to) DUH.

If I have NO authority, I have NO responsibility. Therefore, I have NO REASON TO FEEL GUILTY because I don’t do it.

What makes you feel (not think, FEEL) RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS MEDICAL CARE–even if he needs it? Our FEELINGS are that, feelings, and they come and go, but we can influence these feelings.

If I hear a noise and it frightens me (feeling) then I go to the door and look out—if I see a bear, I know I have a REASON to be frightened, but if there is nothing there, I am reassured and my FEELING of fear goes away. We can also work on these things with other emotions, like FEELING “responsible” when we are not.

I felt responsible for my mother’s health care and welfare, because I thought I was responsible. Once I realized I was NOT responsible, didn’t have the AUTHORITY to do it. I NO LONGER FELT RESPONSIBLE OR GUILTY. My (logical) thinking changed my FEELINGS.

Working on changing our feelings about things, whether it is the frustrated or angry feeling we have when we are in traffic and blocked behind a very slow driver, or whatever the feelings that we are having, we can use our conscious mind to alter these feelings. It takes practice to do so but we can. I’m not where I want to be with DOING it, but I am working on this and it is becoming easier as I go along. Start with “Little” feelings like when you find yourself frustrated in a long line or angry at some little thing you can’t control…it does work. And gosh how much stress it relives! LOL (((hugs))))