I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ”˜what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ”˜what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did — before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me — and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say — but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty — because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself — not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be — independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today —Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
Thank you, everyone, for opening your hearts and souls to those of us who are new and are still in the beginning stages of healing.
Oxdrover, ML, Lil Orphan,all, what a thread! I have been posting musings of mine together with excerpts from this blog onto a “journal” because you all are teaching me so much, more than the therapist, more than what I read in books, and giving me so much perspective that I could not find elsewhere. The last post (Oxdrover) is going on the fridge until I GET IT, LIVE IT, BREATH IT.
Why do we stay? Because we invest qualities in them that we desire, which they mirror, and because we feel RESPONSIBLE. At least for me I felt responsible for honoring my committment, for honoring those vows, for finally “getting it right” for proving my “bad luck” in relationships just that, bad luck. I did not want to be WRONG. So I would make it work. No matter what.
There were other real issues, like raising children together and not wanting them to go through a broken home, of evaluating, and saying, is it really that bad? Was that betrayal really a deal breaker?
My P/S/N/ is the master of the long deal, and even in the abuse, it took many, many years to see the pattern, and even then, when we went to counselling, together, and I by myself, I never really got any support in SEEING the pattern. Or perhaps I was too locked into my vision and never stuck around long enough to have it’s falseness revealed.
But at some point I stuck up for myself. For my parents and what they taught me that was good and affirming. For my children who should have a mother with a spine and some dignity, for my daughter who is extricating herself from an abusive (P?S?N?) partner, at great pain and suffering. For the person I have allowed myself to be and become since he is gone, for that little girl on the swing so long ago. For my sister, who broke free, suffered much, and has a balanced, sane, enencumbered rewarding life on her own, by herself, modest, but rich in freedom and peace of mind.
I know I stayed emotionally invested beacause I invested qualities in him that he did not possess. And during the times I saw him as shallow and self centered and distant and lacking empathy and self absorbed and BORING, I told myself it would be IMMORAL to leave beacause deep down he really loved me and deep down he was a DECENT man. And you don’t throw a good man away.
Excuses made, because love is so hard to come by. But like most things in life, there really are no short cuts. And that is what I am working on, where my responsibility lies. I took shortcuts, I fluffed over the warnings, I took the bait.
On the wall of a room that I work in I have scrawled, in a moment of anger “Never take candy from a stranger” – because that is what I feel I did, I took his candy, but he was a stranger.
For 27 years.
For me, belive it or not, I am grateful, that his final betrayal was so egregious that I can now move on, guilt free, no second thoughts about the vows, taking “care” of him, worrying about his health or what he eats.
I stayed because I believed I could be loved, and believed, warts and all, he did. And being an honorable person, I felt it would be wrong to desert him in his ongoing moment of need when after all he LOVED ME SO MUCH, I needed to be there for him.
What others have posted on this thread is so true, A) be there for yourself B) Trust will return, when you trust yourself.
Peace & love
OxDrover:
You are right. I don’t know why I should feel guilty for not helping him pay for a medical procedure. At this point I am not even sure what is true or not. He has family in Philadelphia and a son here in Baltimore. They should be the ones providing aid.
My supervisor said to me yesterday after I told her what has been going on that I should not give him a dime. She said that I need to look after my own long-term needs and those of my children. He will not be there for me in the long run and she is right.
Free,
I know what you mean. People in my office think that the S. is a nice guy. He doesn’t involve himself in office chat. He doesn’t talk about others in the office. He is witty and sociable. Fortunately, our supervisor has seen another side of him and understands what I am going through.
Presently, he isn’t talking at all to me in the office or outside the office. I am sure that he is upset that I didn’t give him any money for his PET scan (if he really had one).
Thanks for all the words of wisdom from OxDrover, LilOrphan, Ariadne,etc.
Free,
That is a great idea to make a list of the things you can and cannot change. I think I might do that myself. It can help you take charge of the parts of your life that are your responsibility and leave the rest be. But even if we accept something as unchangeable doesn’t mean we need to stick around and let it mess up our lives. Accepting Ss are Ss is the first step in staying miles away! We know we can’t change their disorderedness so the logical conclusion is to head for the hills. I think that has a lot to do with setting good boundaries.
You know I used to think the same thing, those people who are “healthier” for whatever reason and know not to get involved with a P, S or N; what do they think when they meet one? I had a friend clear that up one day when we were talking and the office S was coming. She told me not to leave because she said she gets a bad feeling about the S. That’s it. She gets a bad feeling about her so she stays away. She doesn’t need to know that she’s a sociopath to know she’s bad news. While knowing she is a sociopath is probably better for predicting what she’s going to do next, my friend doesn’t feel the need to stick around and find out. It’s so simple it kills me. The S also knows that she won’t get anywhere with my friend so she doesn’t bother to talk to her. If everyone would listen to their intuition like that, sociopaths wouldn’t have any victims left to manipulate.
Hummingbird,
Yay! Good for you for not giving in to his pity party. I’m sure his kidneys are fine, his wallet is probably what’s in bad shape. It’s good he’s not talking to you. For them every interaction is an opportunity for manipulation.
In “romantic” relationships, I would say that people who were less dysfunctional (I hate to say “healthier” LOL) might be less inclined to get involved with a P romanticly, but my friend who was professionally involved with one who suddenly became her boss, after being not rejected, but repulsed, sexually by her, fired her before the ink got dry on his new contract. That has been 8 years ago and she still is ANGRY and feels “raped” professionally. He made sure he did it in the most public way, and to get the maximum amount of humiliation out of it.
But of course the predator does not pick out the healthiest animal in the herd to attack, but looks for the one with just a slight limp, or some other thing that will make them less likely to successfully escape or fight back. They can almost instinctively pick the one wildebeast out of a herd of 1000 that has something wrong with it, or is young, elderly, and they go for that ONE animal out of the herd, ignoring all the others.
Interestingly enough too, when the rest of the wildebeasts (or any other herd prey animals usually) the rest of the herd will stop and go back to grazing while their companion is being torn apart in front of their very eyes. I wonder if that is a sort of “denial” on the part of the rest of the herd? I wonder if that is somewhat like our frineds not really “seeing” what the Ps have done to us. Or if it is just a thing about “if he is attacking you, he is leaving ME alone and I am not in any danger this minute.”
HUMMINGBIRD, I suggest you start treating him like a potted plant. Just pretend he doesn’t exist. Unless you are REQUIRED to even acknowledge his presence in a room, don’t treat him any different than you would a potted plant on the table—no eye contact and NO CASUAL CONVERSATION OF ANY KIND, NO LISTENING TO HIS MEDICAL PROBLEMS/LIES, OR ANYTHING ELSE.
OxDrover:
I have always talked about the “reciprocity principle” which is directly equated to your “law of reciprocity”. I can totally relate to this…my S was VERY generous, I mean excessively so (of course he was embezzling money) and fully expected me to reciprocate by investing with him. After 3 years, when I didn’t, the game was up, and he moved on to a woman who’s family has a lot of money.
It seems like you have insights on everything. I think of you as the “P Expert”, hope you don’t mind that distinction!
OxDrover,
I will have to limit our conversation to work only. Since we do have to interact in the office, it would be difficult to not talk forever. The potted plant idea is one I will work on.
Ariadne,
I have never been involved before with someone who is so manipulative. A normal person would be unable to use his or her family’s supposed problems to solicit money from another person. Yuck!
From everything I have read, there is no cure for S or P. They don’t respond to medication or therapy favorably. It is a shame that these human beings could be such a lousy reflection of God’s creation. I guess no amout of prayer will ever change their basic makeup. They will continue to plunder and pillage their way through without any remorse for what they have done to others.
Jules,
Thank you so much for sharing. Yesterday wasn’t a good day. The way I felt mirrored your words and experiences exactly. I feel so sad sometimes because all the love that I shared so freely was for nothing. I want to feel in equal measure all that I gave wholeheartedly. I am haunted at times by all the lies that were told and I somehow believed. I had to take a hard look at why I allowed it and it’s been a rough journey. Today I feel that each day I have the opportunity to be good to myself.
The good part about overcoming all of that drama is that I am no longer so hungry for love when it doesn’t feel right. I had to really look at my contribution to the entire relationship and all that I choose to overlook. I stayed because I wanted to have everything the liar said disguised as promises for better days.
I have begun to transform my life one day at a time. I am worthy of love even if it means I am to spend years just learning how to love myself. My journey has been life changing. I am grateful to wake up without feeling the burden of having the P in my life. However, there are days were I just want the affection that I was showered with which seemed real at the time. Lately, I have had some rough days but overall I am feeling better. I must constantly remind myself that it was all a facade. Some days I can do it well but other days I must allow the tears to flow. It’s been a year since I left the P. It still hurts to know that this incomplete person is off doing just what she did to me and what she does best. With no remorse or conscious for all the pain she causes.
LilOrphan,
Thanks for pointing out that there are some triggers that bring us back to the horrible places the P’s once occupied in our hearts and minds. I never really thought about such triggers. But in thinking, when I am feeling down and out, it was always a trigger of some sort that got me going. I will now try to be on the “look out” for what my triggers are as I move through my days. Thanks.
Thank goodness for this site, I can come here and express myself with everyone who understands fully the devastation after dealing with P’s.
LilOrphan,
Yes I feel that I am still in mourning. I still want what was promised to me by the S. I gave freely of my love and it was never, ever lovingly reciprocated at all. I did all that I could until I lost myself completely. It has been a journey realizing what happened and where I went wrong. What I did discover was something very wonderful, that I am resilient, strong, beautiful and able to give and receive love. Just needed to heal some of my own wounds and realize that some of my unrealistic thoughts about love were simply fantasy. I am better today but I too have some bad days where I am transformed back to that place and time when I was being abused.
I stayed at first because I did not understand what i was dealing with. I stayed later because I felt that no one else would do. (couldn’t see that the manipulation and lies disguised as love was all I was getting fromt the S)
I left eventually because I gave so much that I had nothing else to give and I finally wanted more for myself. All of that took 4 years. I have been struggling for 1 year and the struggle is worth it everyday. I only have to worry about me. My focus, my hopes, and dreams are all about me and what I want which is honest and true. I have allowed myself time to heal and see what really matters in my life without a bunch of lies and deceit. Loving me has been the best thing for me.
The days where I feel down because of thoughts of what the S did or what i allowed are the worst. I hate that my feelings are still hurt over the whole ordeal. I just would like to discard it just as she once discarded me.
Today, I found out that there are things that trigger me emotionally and take me out of my normal rational being. I never really understood that until I read some of the blogs here. I appreciate all that is shared in this site.
Thanks