I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ”˜what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ”˜what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did — before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me — and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say — but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty — because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself — not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be — independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today —Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
LilOrphan,
LilOrphan,
Yes I feel that I am still in mourning. I still want what was promised to me by the S. I gave freely of my love and it was never, ever lovingly reciprocated at all. I did all that I could until I lost myself completely. It has been a journey realizing what happened and where I went wrong. What I did discover was something very wonderful, that I am resilient, strong, beautiful and able to give and receive love. Just needed to heal some of my own wounds and realize that some of my unrealistic thoughts about love were simply fantasy. I am better today but I too have some bad days where I am transformed back to that place and time when I was being abused.
I stayed at first because I did not understand what i was dealing with. I stayed later because I felt that no one else would do. (couldn’t see that the manipulation and lies disguised as love was all I was getting fromt the S)
I left eventually because I gave so much that I had nothing else to give and I finally wanted more for myself. All of that took 4 years. I have been struggling for 1 year and the struggle is worth it everyday. I only have to worry about me. My focus, my hopes, and dreams are all about me and what I want which is honest and true. I have allowed myself time to heal and see what really matters in my life without a bunch of lies and deceit. Loving me has been the best thing for me.
The days where I feel down because of thoughts of what the S did or what i allowed are the worst. I hate that my feelings are still hurt over the whole ordeal. I just would like to discard it just as she once discarded me.
Today, I found out that there are things that trigger me emotionally and take me out of my normal rational being. I never really understood that until I read some of the blogs here. I appreciate all that is shared in this site.
Thanks
Lil orphan..
You know, I am STIll longing and thinking of the good times we had.. and my.. they WERE good times, but i HAVE to think of the shit and the lies and the devious, promiscious behaviour to get me through .
I am SORT of there.. but moments catch me when i long for his smell and his touch…. but the cold light of what he REALLy did reminds me to be strong..
It was NOT me….or us.. it was THEM.. but we have to be strong and believe in ourselves to find the final peace. THAT is when WE come int play.. we as US.. as we are.. kind, caring, real, loving honesp people… and remember THAT as we push them out of our lives.. afrd as it may be sometimes.
Take care
OxDrover,
I love your sense of humor – I laughed out loud at your comment: “start treating him like a potted plant”. I will start doing that also.
My husband is now also giving me the pity play. How he is “sad” about our upcoming divorce day. How he is really going to get “screwed” by taxes through all this. How he appreciates how “cooperative” I have been through our settlement negotiations.
I had to speak with him about the settlement, but it is so different now from all I’ve learned about his character disorder. I no longer get sucked in by his craziness, although I can feel myself wanting to be pulled there. I am all business, no emotion at all, yet I am perfectly civil.
I had to really stop myself from being emotional, and made no acknowedgement whatsoever of his pity play. He didn’t know what to do with that. It really messes them up when we no longer get involved in their drama.
It is not easy, though. I cry after I talk with him. I cry for the illusion of who he was to me for so many years. I see the real person now. But, I also cry because as he’s talking I feel as though I’m losing myself again, but at least now I can stop myself.
He said several times on the phone, “to be honest with you”, “to tell you the truth”, as though he’s almost convincing himself that he is honest, and has to convince me as well.
It no longer matters to me whether he’s telling the truth or not. There is no cure they say, but I do still have that tiny bit of hope that one day he will seek help for himself.
Peggy, I don’t think of myself as an “expert” in the sense you mean it, actually, an “expert” is a DRIP UNDER PRESSURE! Or the other definition is anyone who is more than 50 miles from home. I wonder how that works on the internet?! LOL Thanks, though. I do have OPINIONS, that’s for sure and I definitely have had experiences with the Ps, but you know, that is not something that I think makes me an expert on Ps in general, just MY PARTICULAR Ps…and I read a lot, think alot, maybe it should be called obscess about them, because I think only by “knowing your enemy” can you effectively defend yourself.
I realize I can’t truly know how they feel, but I am learning the PATTERNS in their thinking—just like you can observe the patterns in the “thinking” of a dog—you can’t know how they “feel” but you can see the results of how their thinking influences their behavior.
Knowing what my Ps might be up to and being able to anticipate where the next attack might come from, or what they might be likely pull next I think is important in ones that you can’t just “get rid of”—or ones that stalk you or won’t let go. The ones that dump you and run are the “easy” ones—but the vengeful ones are I think the most dangerous ones. The D & D ones that run away though they may leave you heart broken, at least they don’t stay around to torment you in the flesh.
Free, you are right on about accepting the things we cannot change. I also believe that we should COUNT OUR BLESSINGS and not focus so much on what fantasy we have lost. I am SO blessed and I know that but in the pain of the “losses” with the Ps we tend to let that over shadow the reality of the fact that WE ARE BLESSED—-with so much. Even just the country we live in where we have a way to get a divorce from a P. How about if we lived in many of the other countries where we were essentially “cattle” and “owned” by our husbands or fathers? Where we can get a job and DO have human rights as women? We are allowed by society to exercise our power and our strength as humans.
Almost_free, I am glad that you are doing so well! Keep up the faith!
Very poignant.
I stayed in a relationship with a sociopath for almost a year. I had a very hard time getting out. He would claim to be suicidal every time i set boundaries. I still have a hard time understanding why he did what he did and still doesn’t get it. He is a bright guy and can be very charming. I hope to see more research on this subject.
Thanks for sharing.
Hummingbird,
You are so brave! I was semi-brave and told my husband about the emotional part of the relationship with the S, leaving the physical part out (and he didn’t ask). Obviously there are issues between my husband and myself, but as I said before we’ve been together 22 years and I had never even been tempted to cheat before the S appeared in my life.
I’m struggling with deciding to stay in my marriage, as the one thing this mess made clear to me is that there is much missing in my life. I know you are working through the leftover feelings from your S encounter, and trying to resolve the guilt from leaving your marriage, but I’m wondering if you regret the divorce? Or do you feel that it is something that in the long run will be better for you and your happiness? I have decided that if I ever do become single again I am not allowed to date anyone I meet, and I have made my friends promise they would only let me go out with someone they have known and trusted for a very long time! I am generally very uncomfortable around men, I actually talk to one and let one in…and look what it was! Flashing target on my forehead, obviously.
rblue, you said: I get a text from the other woman again about him calling her earlier that day telling her things that i said about her (which i did not) and also telling her that i am jealous bc they will always be closer then him and i”
The psy I was married to did the same so I got the three of us together and she told him to his face what he said. But she must have seen through him. But I agree with ML, just leave!
Thank you so much for your letter ML. I’m thinking of printing this to give to my sons who never believed that I could be the innocent victim. This blog is invaluable and your letter touched me very deeply. I don’t know why I only reveived my mail only now. I do hope you still get what I wrote.
Well, like it or not, you sure do have a wealth of knowledge that helps enlighten others, OxD. Not to mention some great stories to share.
You’re right about the P’s who go and stay gone, for example. Those that plot against you and return…come back with far more mayhem in store. I’ve learned.
Besides, you came up with what we can now call the “Ficus Theory.” Treat ’em all like potted plants. Only in this scenario, we’ll be the ones doing the growing and blooming because of it.
“Ficus Theory” ROTFL—now who has the SENSE OF HUMOR? LOL
A friend of mine one time when I was in college was dating this guy that I despised, AND on top of everything he was her land lord. He knew I didn’t like him anyway, and once when he was gone out of town, she was feeding his dogs and I went with her, and as we let ourselves into the house through the garage, I saw right before my eyes in the garage that he had taken PARTS OF 4 hard-rock maple chairs that belonged to me that she and I had disassimbled and were redoing in her garage. FOR NO OTHER PURPOSE THAN TO HAVE THE 4 CHAIRS RUINED BY MISSING PIECES!
I got my chair pieces and took them back, and from then on I treated him like a FICUS. I was at her house a lot and so was he and while he was there I just pretended he was INVISIBLE. IT DROVE HIM CRAZY. I had read the book Body Language not too many months before so I used that as my idea. So I just acted like I couldn’t see him (eye contact, body language etc) talked about him as if he wasn’t there, if he spoke to me I acted like I didn’t hear anything, if I was talking I kept on talking, etc.
It actually got to be a fun “game” and it drove him INSANE. Looking back this guy probably was a P, at least he was a control FREAK, a sneak thief, etc. In retrospect too, it is sort of funny because my friend was NOT deeply in love with this guy, if she had been, it wouldn’t have been so funny.
I did learn though (wish I had uesd the lesson I had learned but not use) that what we now call NO CONTACT–i.e. NO REACTION to their posturing, no reaction to their tirades, etc. is ACID ON THEIR SKIN. They hate not being able to get a reaction of some kind. I think maybe it is because they are left POWERLESS and they can’t stand that. No Contact is Kryptonite to their SUPER POWERS. It makes them WEAK.
I guess for fun we could make a list of ways to treat them and the results.
FICUS TREATMENT: Treat them like they are invisible if you must be around them, or the same way you would treat a potted plant on the table.
KRYPTONITE TREATMENT: No contact or reaction of any kind.
LOL I may be twisted I guess but I just have to find SOME wazy to see some humor in such a DARK AND TERRIBLE thing. LOL
I was also in a relationship for four years; what is it about that number? Only with the help of therapists and healers was I finally able to tell him that I could no longer be treated badly and manipulated.
He and I were both married; his line about my leaving my husband for him was that he did not want to feel guilty and that I should wait for him to leave his wife–we would do it at the same time. That never happened.
His third wife finally threw him out of the house because (I found out later) she found that he was setting up dates online.
Soon after, he made plans to move out of the country and even had a timeline; when I asked about it, he said that if he were going to make a change, I would be the first to know.
My husband found out about us after I broke it off and had a conversation with the man. Scared the guy so badly to be found out and not be able to talk his way out of something that he left the country THAT NIGHT. He left all his children behind from his second wife without a thought either.
What an absolute coward he turned out to be! And, of course, he had borrowed some money from me and has never repaid it. Found out he had been sued some time ago by another woman for the same reason. She kept a better paper trail and actually won the case.
It will be a year in June of this year; I’ve moved out on my own, though my husband and I are still attempting to redefine our marriage and hopefully come out on a good side of things. He’s been very understanding of the abuse I allowed to happen to me. Unusual, but good therapists are a real blessing and it has helped us both to see many positive things that have come out of this complete and utter devastation. Rising up again!
Thank you to everyone who can so honestly and eloquently share their pain in this safe place.