I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ”˜what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ”˜what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did — before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me — and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say — but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty — because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself — not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be — independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today —Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
Well said, LilOrphan. Channeling all that energy into something positive is a wonderful way to help in negating some of the damaging effects of all the giving we did and continue to do. I tend to want to “fix” things, too, and your message rings true; that tendency can lead us into mucky waters. Knowing that you are relating to someone else with loving kindness is a beautiful way to get back into the groove.
Thank you.
Why did I stay in the relationship? Certainly I knew that it was not a good one for me. I became aware that he was unethical early on in the relationship. I became aware that he lied, cheated, and stole and seemed to have no compunction about using people. I was aware of all of these things.
I stayed because the good part of him — the irresponsible side that permitted me to kick up my heels and be irresponsible myself — demanded it. Ever since I graduated college, it was the weight of the world. I took care of a drug-abusing (ex)husband for nearly a decade. Then I took care of a paralyzed father, held the family together with my rationality and saneness. When was it my turn to play? To feel self-absorbed?
My ex tapped into that need by demanding that I have fun with him. I mainlined the fun, needed more and more. I still miss that levity, that feeling that everything is okay without me tending to it. I will always miss that. Always.
Neverneverland: If I could articulate as well as you, your last paragraph would have been something that I would have written. That levity is a big part of what I feel missing in my life; that boundless energy; the carefree attitude about so many things. I was thinking about the almost superhuman energy I had during the time with my S.
The physical part of my relationship with the S was unsatisfactory for me because we had no time together; it was exciting, but everything was always rushed and it really was all about him. He was not into my satisfaction for the brief time we could spend together and I never stressed it as I did not believe I “deserved” it.
But our conversations were such a big part of my day; I woke up in the morning and couldn’t wait to get him on the phone. He told me stories that were amazing (and yes, most likely either totally untrue or embellished quite a bit). We would drag race down the main road in our city (not hazardly), and laugh a lot.
I was not blind to the lying, stealing, social paranoia, obvious sex addiction, using people, narcissism–I saw it all, but I did not want to “see” it in relation to us.
I had forgotten how to have fun over the years and you’re right, it felt good to just kick up my heels and forget about all the seriousness of daily life.
One of my teachers has told me that sometimes our best teachers are the ones who hurt us the most. I’m still working out in my head what I’ve learned from this experience.
Some days, I wish I could contact him again just to let him know that even though I’m still simmering with anger and hurt, that I know that I will always love the person I thought he was. I know he would not read the letter nor get anything out of it; that’s his pathology, unfortunately.
I amazed myself in how I allowed someone to get so close to me; I’d always kept myself at a distance with those closest to me. My “love” may have been a bit obsessive, but now that I know that I can go in that far, it does my heart good because I was actually preparing myself for loving myself. Staying sane and rational in a dysfunctional family is hard and depleting. Getting real joy from every day was/is the missing link in my life’s equation. Thank you.
Oh, neverneverland I understand that! I was caring for nearly everyone in my family at the time: mom had a hip replaced and was diagnosed with Alz, dad was in a different hospital getting a cardio cath, my girls were home with their own issues….felt so trapped, so much of the world on my shoulders, me who couldn’t keep a ficus alive when I was younger!
He tapped into that with me, too. Someone to help shoulder the burden, right? Someone who was just “for me.” And I believed that, so very much, even when “for me” became “against me”.
Was thinking this early morning that I will never again even hope for someone to help me shoulder this life. I’ve been incredibly strong, stronger than I ever gave myself credit for, all these years through events and experiences others could not handle as well.
I am woman. I can roar alone, you know. When I have a man in my life long-term for real, I will not want for him to do these things for me, unless he demonstrates the desire and character that makes him want to do those things.
Off on a road trip until tomorrow. Hope all you lovely ladies (and gents) have a beautiful, serene, healthy weekend!
LilOrphan:
I can relate to your comments, “Some of us in this world are charged with the duty of finding what is spiritual in this world and of sharing that with others…I have some crazy ideas on what to do with all this love I have and the lack of place to put it, and how to “help” others without getting too emotionally entangled in their situations”. I have the same quest…to “help” people and to “fix” situations or people. I think this is part of what S’s look for in others, their nurturing, caring side, and tolerance of their ill-behaviours with the desire to repair the (irrepairable)!
In my life I have tried to “help” many, but have found, for the most part, that people don’t want to be “fixed”. Yes, they do want “help” in a needy, demanding of emotions, finances, etc., but most “needy” people are users. I basically think life has two groups: the givers, and the takers. There is, in my opinion, a small percentage who are in a middle group. In my endeavors to help most needy people, in most cases they feel it is an entitlement, and their dark situations can suck us into a black hole with them. I am now willing to offer my hand in friendship, but I will NOT go any dark places, and when their neediness begans to affect my emotional/physical health, all bets are off.
LilOrphan/Oxdrover/Neverland:
I think perhaps we are mostly “practical” people, and certainly ethical people. What may have been a large part of what attracted us to the S’s is ther impulsivity and desire for stimulation, and FUN! With them, we could let our hair down, be wild and crazy, and it was ok and even encouraged. Their natural risk-taking behaviour can have a certain zest and appeal, and liven things up a bit.
to all: Yes, I agree with you–we are the “supercompetent” and the “super strong” and we are ALSO the “superCARING” and our BEST QUALITIES become our WORST QUALITIES, because while we have to motivation to help, and the strength to “help” we don’t set the REASONABLE BOUNDARIES.
My P-X-father-in-law had a saying that was quite good. “You can give people things but you can’t help them, they must help themselves.”
I don’t think I always drew the line where I should have in “helping.” I did draw appropriate boundaries with some, but not with my own family. The other thing I didn’t do, was to realize that even the most willing donkey can’t carry the entire world on his shoulders and at some point his legs will give out and he will be prostrate beneath the burden.
In fact, in the letters to my P-son telling him how tired I was, how my “legs” were giving out, I used that analogy of the very willing little donkey lying legs splayed out to the side, underneat this incredibly heavy burden, and his response was “get up, Mom, you’ve always carried the load for the entire family, YOU’RE JUST NOT TRYING.” LOL ROTFLMBO
The “weight” of stress can be likened to the weight one carries. If you are going 5 miles, you may with great effort be able to drag & carry 100 pounds, but if you are going 1000 miles, it is a different story. The “weight” + the “distance” in time and “miles” determines how much you can carry.
We can all deal with a major crisis (heavy load) that only lasts a little while. But a major crisis that lasts forever is a much different animal. A group of mini-crises that last “forever” is also very”heavy” in terms of carrying that cumulative burden. When you have a long-term major stress and add in the multitude of daily mini-crisces we meet in every day life, the load becomes unbearable in terms of weight and long-term strength. We literally “wear ourselves out” forcusing on trying to fix the P-situation until our emotional and physical and mental strengths are GONE, then WE BECOME THE NEEDY and CRAZY ones incapable of wiping our own noses. (or other parts of our anatomys LOL)
My list of major stresses since July 04 when my husband’s plane went down reads like the old serial “Perils of Pauline” where she faced a new major crisis each reel of film and was always left tied tothe railroad tracks with an oncoming train “until next week.” I AM STRONG OR I WOULD NOT HAVE SURVIVED. I also am NOT SUPERWOMAN, there is a LIMIT to what I can do.
It is MY RESPONSIBILITY to take care of ME. It is MY responsibility to say NO when I don’t have the strength to take on more “weight” and it is MY responsibility to REST when I need it.
When my dad was dying with cancer I did seek out all the available “help”–home nurses, paid house keeping, the community actually fed us every meal for 9 weeks when he was very sick, my family helped etc. but still, I didn’t take care of ME like I should have. Besides, at the time, I thought there was a pretty short time-limit to my dad’s terminal illness as there was a prediction of 4 months—it lasted 18, due mostly to my excellent care of him, as he said “The best nursing care money could NOT buy” Even now, I do not regret one moment of that 18 months that I spent with him, it was not only a repayment for the wonderful love he had given me as a child, and support as an adult, but for his wonderful self, and the qreat quality time we got to spend together…those times will be some of my fondest memories.
As crazy as it sounds, we laughed like nut cases over an episode with an enema, and this very private man made great uncharacteristic one-line jokes about the most intimate things, and the indignities he suffered having his daughter do things for him, but yet, he tolerated them so well. He never demanded or became insistent or cranky, even if I was, he was always appreciative and caring, and showed a wonderfully suprisingly witty sense of humor that we had not known existed in this previously very droll man.
There is nothing wrong with an altruistic giving to others, but that is not the same as “being a patsy” and being taken advantage of by those that want a “free ride” instead of helping themselves. There is always a segment of the human population that would rather ride on your back than walk. But if we carry those people until WE have no strength left, we have neither helped them nor ourselves.
The “helping” motivation is good on our part, but if we let it become “enabling” instead by doing things for others that they COULD and SHOULD do for themselves, only sets us up for them resenting us, and us resenting them. Knowing the difference between “giving” and “enabling” is the WISDOM that I think we (givers) need to learn. I KNOW THIS, and yet I didn’t always DO THIS—not with my family at least. I did with others not so closely emotionally tied to me. I had no problem there. I set boundaries and enforced them.
My P-XBF also held out the “fun” thing, and after I started dating him, I did do some fun things, I took a vacation to Colorado with him (my best friend and my son also went along) It was his trip to see another of his “harem” while we were there, but at the time I didn’t know it. LOL We went other places and had fun, and that was the first “fun” I had had in several YEARS at that time. Yes, that was very attractive to me. We went to the living history events together and had great times, we went deer hunting, to festivals and his family events. I started to look and feel 15 years “younger” as my “fun” batteries were starting to recharge. Plus, I envisioned my life being like this “forever” with him, and growing old(er) together. Mutually shouldering the burdens and the joys of life. PUKE! It was all a FAKE.
So what had at first lifted burdens from my shoulders, instead added a NEWER AND BIGGER SORROW AND GRIEF.
With no “reserve strength” left from the previous loads I had carried, I fell to the “ground” totally without strength, and my P-son and my mother kept goading me to get up, with the same attitude that a psychopath would beat an exhausted Ox to get up and pull the plow. I had given my ALL, and had nothing left to give to them, or to myself. I couldn’t get up.
I will (God Willing) never never NEVER give everything to anyone again, but will strive for a balance, taking care of myself first. Because if I don’t survive, I can’t give to anyone. Self sacrifice to save another is one thing, but to self-suicide to enable someone, to do something for them that they CAN and should do for themselves, is not good sense.
I think until I absolutely learn this and PRACTICE THIS, I will not be healthy or happy.
On helping others…
I think that is where it’s at when healing. There was a time when I had nothing to give but slowly, I did.
In the past, I had jobs that did nothing to feed my spirit but the work I do now gives me an outlet to help people and take my mind off my problems.
My experience with the Bad Man first took everything away from me…Spiritually, emotionally, mentally, I felt demolished. But now, in a way, I have more than before. It’s like there is something in humanity that I understand now that I didn’t before.
I’m still lonely at times. I still have bills to pay as a continue to reach for my goal of putting my nightmare behind me… at least financially behind me… but I am thankful for what I learned from BM.
I can’t say that I am happier than before but I am definately wiser. I hope I will never make choices to my own detriment again.
:o)
Aloha,
I think the “happiness” part will “sneak up” on you before you know it, as you heal. I think that “happiness” is a side benefit of being where we should be emotionally within ourselves and that “happiness”can be there even under the most trying of external circumstances.
I no longer have the perception that I have “everything in the world I want” which is actually the way I felt before my husband died. I don’t mean I was “rich” in terms of the world’s goods by American standards, but didnt WANT things that were out of reach and didn’t NEED things (food shelter etc) that were essential to life and also out of reach. I had a job that was stressful, but fulfilling and I got a good sense of accomplishment out of it. I FELT I had good solid intimate relationships with most of my family, and still at that time had “hope” (as unrealistic as it was it was still comforting) that my P son was making a change for the better.
What I didn’t have was a good clear picture of just how fragile my “illusions” were–but the happiness came from those “things”—it wasn’t just within me.
I have more “problems” today in many ways, but by realizing that my happiness must come from within ME not from the external circumstances of life, I think the happiness I am feeling now is more solid. My self confidence that my happiness will continue because I PROVIDE IT and it can’t be taken away by someone else’s behaviors or loss. Sure, I would be sad if someone I loved left or died, that is normal, but I AM THE ONE WHO KEEPS MY INTERNAL WORLD GOING, not external circumstances.
Of course you have goals, and things you want to accomplish, like financial solvency’s return, etc. and those are GOOD things to work toward. I’m doing the same thing by cutting expenses to meet my more limited income now since retirement. “A penny saved is a penny earned” LOL Fortunately I’m a “cheap date” and don’t require “high dollar toys” or status symbol vehicles, vacations, etc. in order to “boost” my “happiness.” In fact, I get a lot of satisfaction out of living WELL cheaply! I have a unique “decorator” interior in my home, but EVERY piece of furniture or item there was found at a thrift shop, junk store or bought used. It wouldn’t pass for a Madison Avenue pent house decor, but it is unique, personality filled, and put together with talent and creativity instead of lots of money, and seldom fails to “wow” people when they first step inside my door. Even the inside of my RV reflects my own style and personality…what is uniquely ME.
I enjoy the company of my friends and helping them do things to enrich their lives, whether it is listening to them tell about their troubles, sharing a joy with them, going to help them change a flat tire, or just discussing books we have read. I am also enjoying these friends more and their company more since I have set some reasonable boundaries as well. With some of them there were a few ripples until they realized what the new boundaries were and that it didn’t mean I didn’t care for them, just that I had “not taken them to raise.”
I no longer jump in to volunteer an opinion unless I am asked, and then I give it and back off. How they live their lives is their business as long as it doesn’t impact upon my boundaries. If they fail to manage their money well and get into a “crack” because they spent all their available money on “toys” and then had an emergency they couldn’t pay for, oh, well, they can get themselves out of the crack by themselves, and hopefully, will learn from their poor choices. It isn’t my responsibility to bail them out of their self-made problem. I no longer feel guilty because I don’t assume this responsibility.
There are MANY things I am having to reassess about my own philosophy and my own interactions with others, and how these things has led to relationship problems, and for problems for myself in the past. I think this is really the GIFT that the Ps have left us, albeit unwittingly, if WE choose to see it that way and to take advantage of it. I think if we don’t “get it” and make changes in ourselves (we sure can’t change them!) then we have lost a great opportunity. I can’t remember the exact quote but someone told me once a cute quote that was about “failure is a great opportunity for those that grasp it.” (something like that anyway). Peace, healing and love.
That inner world Free talks about is huge. It’s the core of who each of us is and I think that’s why we have so much trouble with how our minds go back and forth after a P or S encounter — they somehow got to that “core” that’s generally fixed in one mode and jiggled it around.
In some cases, they took a sledgehammer to it and busted all the wiring.
For example, we had a great trip yesterday and yet I found myself thinking of him, while going somewhere I always went long before he was ever in the picture again. There was no cause to think of him. No triggers, geographical or emotional.
And yet…there these thoughts were.
Inside, our souls are essentially the same as they were when we were children. If we were good-hearted, happy-go-lucky (despite living through some nightmarish childhoods) we still have that core. We do grow, experience life-changing events and challenges, but that innate soul remains the same.
However they do it, for a time the P’s make us doubt and question our own souls, act against those souls somehow, even if it’s just a matter of fighting fire with fire.
It’s like they short-circuit us with the gaslighting and ambient abuse and we’re badly shaken. BUT — as Free also said, we can return to ourselves, having learned much and still with the inner qualities we’d feared we were losing from time spent with them.
We do need to examine our own faults and failings — I had many of them, trying to have a relationship with him. But only some of those failings would reappear in a healthy relationship, and none that made us question absolute reality. THOSE issues only come when interacting with a P or N, and it’s helpful to remind ourselves that no matter how much we change, mature and grow, we’ll never be able to have a relationship with a P because they won’t really allow for one — the very love and intimacy you offer them makes them begin to hate you.
I have looked profoundly within myself and endeavored to determine why this relationship with the S, of the many relationships in my life, has affected me so deeply. It was not the relationship of longest duration, nor would I say he was the “love of my life”. I have come to the following conclusions:
1. There is a deep sense of betrayal due to the loss of faith and trust due to pathological lying that has affected me to the core of my being and caused trust issues to the extreme
2. There has been a sense of guilt and asking, “what did I do wrong” or “how could I have fixed this/him”. Also there is a sense of failure for the dissolution of the relationship
3.There is a feeling that I “wasn’t enough”. This could be many factors: wasn’t pretty enough, or smart enough, or didn’t work out enough, or wasn’t slim enough or wasn’t financially successful enough or whatever. The basic, intrinsic feeling was one of inadequacy for not being “enough”
4. With the S’s there has most definitely been a lack of closure. With other relationships there has been a “talking it out” phase or “what went wrong” discussions. With the S, once they are gone, they’re gone, and there are none of these healing discussions.
5. I believe we need to forgive ourselves, let go of the guilt, and realize that we ARE enough, in and of ourselves. There is NOTHING we could do, ever, to fix the relationship or the Sociopath. They are so adventure and thrill-seeking, that no one will EVER satisfy them. There is not a woman alive that can keep them entertained over time–because they are incomplete, and they never have “enough”. They must always have another conquest.
I do believe that with every ending, there is a beginning; and that as one door closes, another door opens. In this case, it appears that the door which opens is the door to ourselves…to our inner hopes, dreams, and desires, and the door to our own hearts; and it says, “welcome home”.