I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ”˜what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ”˜what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did — before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me — and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say — but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty — because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself — not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be — independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today —Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
Orphan,
Quote: “the very love and intimacy you offer them makes them begin to hate you.”
I think that sentence is very on the mark, and “hate” could also be DESPISE (which I think as WORSE than hate).
In a way they are sort of like the “blind” in a sighted world, they know we have “something” that they don’t have, but they aren’t really sure what it is and they resent us for it, and they envy us for it, but aren’t sure how to “get it” from us or how to steal it, so if they can’t have it, they, like petulant children, want to destroy it.
I was reading an article yesterday about the women and children of this polygamous cult that has just been raided and 400+ children removed from the custody of their parents.
The women were telling the police how these children were well cared for and SO happy to be working for the “good of the community” doing chores starting at 4:00 a.m. until they went to bed at 8:00. The cult leader was demanding that the men work up to 20 hours per day building the buildings etc. and were so tired that the police stopped them for driving, thinking they were drunk, when they were just sleep deprived.
The adults worked WILLINGLY for this monster who had convinced them that their eternal salvation and their families here on earth depended on compliance with his dictates.
Young girls 14-16 were forced to marry old men 50+ and the current “prophet” of this community is in prison for rape concerning a 14 yr old. Women and children are nothing but sexual objects and slaves. The women devoted to serving their masters and keeping the children in line by isolating them from the world. Keeping them uneducated and compliant, without hope of them breaking free. No matter what happens to these children who have been removed, whether they go back to their deluded mothers or stay in a foster care system, it will leave deep marks and scars on their souls. Hopefully there will be compassion and common sense used by the social workers who work with these women and children.
Talk about twisting REALITY—talk about a P with “utter control” over the thinking and lives of so many. Their entire community of women have validated each other for so long that they have no idea how to survive in the “real world” or that they have any autonomy or how to use it if they did. Some of these women are 2nd and 3rd generation in this twisted world, while we had to “rethink” our own patterns of relating, they will have to be totally socialized to the 21st century reality of the US, rather than the microcosm of insanity in which they were raised and have lived their entire lives.
Regarding the FLDS or whatever it’s called. I have been reading a lot about this too because I work at Children’s Shelter. Bottom line is children want to be with their parents no matter what. I just had a little girl a few days ago tell me, “I want to be with my Mommy even if she hits me.” :o(
I think that if they remove these children from their homes for an extended period of time, they will have to create a task force to work with the women and children, led by experienced Social Workers and including a network of women that have escaped this twisted culture…. there are many whom have escaped the polygamy compounds.
Also, in my opinion, as a very junior person in a Social Services job, I think they need to recruit some specialized Foster Homes. I used to think Foster Homes were always nice Christian families.. NOT! And those children could be exposed to some very rough kids in a Foster Care situation. Also, I think these children would do well at a place like the one where I work because they could kep the sibling groups together and their lives were already in a way kind of like institutional living.
Lastly, this case brings me to something I think about all the time at work. I think about how powerful words are in shaping who we become. I think about this anytime I have a kid that is fully imbedded in some gang crap. It should be a crime to warp young children into this way of life. Human beings are so impressionable, young and old… because it is our nature to believe what people say instead of thinking, “What that person says isn’t true because they are deluded, disordered, misguided, etc….” This just does not cross our minds. Think of all the times someone said something ridiculous and unreasonable to you and then you begin a conversation with them to try to reason or work it out instead of having a light go on inside that says: DING DING.. Delusional Psycho entering the space. We think we can reason our way out of anything with anyone.
Anyway, bringing this back to our Forum… I have no doubt that the leader of this “cult” is somehow on the sociopathic spectrum. These kinds of cases make alarms go off in me because of my time with BM. I gave him a lot of power over me for many reasons: He was older. He was a strong man. He was a father of 5. He was an ordained Minister. He was a Captain. But BM told me that he was written up in Seattle and refered to as a potential cult leader type when he was in his Pastoral days. I guess he was really “on fire for God” back then. Now, me thinks, the fires that burn near his feet are of a different origin. (hehehehehe)
I have read that fanatacism of different kinds are common with disordered people. When I read that, it all started to make sense to me because I could not put together: Religious Leader AND Psychological, Emotional, Spiritual Abuser. I kept thinking that somewhere inside BM was the Pastor like on that show 7th Heaven… just a nice guy that always does the right thing. Never did meet that guy though.
Peggywhoever. This is how they hook us into their manipulating game isnt it? Offering promises, putting us on a pedestal and then just keeping out of our reach – so if we could only make things right for them, or be better people ourselves, or bend ourselves out of shape for them. Go along with them, bend ourselves more out of shape, until we end up so misshapen, we dont know who we are anymore. And if we cant hang on to our own identity, we can be subject to persuasion, and mind control.
As OxDrover says, they begin to despise you for loving them, it is a weakness in their eyes – they have distorted vision. My ex played games with my love and attention to him – he teased and played push pull games and he had the cheek to tell me that all women are manipulative. Despite my protestations that I was not knowingly manipulative, I came to realise it was a script he believed that justified him hating and hurting women outside of his family.
I see the game now.
Beverly,
I was often called manipulative by BM. No one ever called me that before in my life. That’s always a sign that something is off. They pretend they are the first person to tell you the “truth” about yourself. I think if your friends and loved ones have never breathed a word about it, then it isn’t true.
:o)
Hi AloaT!. I have never been called manipulative and I was shocked to be called that. I later realised it was projection and hatred of women and a way of justifying their pain projection.
hi all happy spring……lil orphan you hit the nail on the head with your observation that when they feel our love and intimacy is when they begin to hate us…how odd, sick and profound……..and just so we are not so hard on ourselves, even the NFL has hired professionals to help in their choise of new players…since there is such a waste of money, millions, when players are suspended, etc, they are trying to draft those players with good character and LEAST likely to become involved in disruptive or criminal behavior……many coaches report overlooking all the red flags when they are mesmerized by all the players talents and offerrings and apparent potential….they have found by ignoring the red flags they have lost seasons and BIG DOLLARS…to prevent them from making these tempting mistakes and signing guys with outstanding promises, they have MULTIPLE specialist to keep them from avoiding the attention to red flags…..including mental health professionals…seems we are not the only folks who have been duped… if only we could afford all those experts before a first date, eh???!!!lol
Yes, ladies. I too was called manipulative, controlling, psycho and two-faced. Everyone else in my entire life has called me laid-back, passive, go with the flow, smart and wise, and of course, loyal.
After it ended, he had me believing these things too. Actually, at one point, I started acting them out — the two-faced part, anyway. I started to have a secret life, or pretend I did, and with zero idea why I was behaving this way at the time. Hilarious, as I am the last person to cheat on someone…and still didn’t…but made it appear that I was, after discovering he was not being honest with me.
Part of me will always love him — the good side of him — but the P and N aspects can go drown themselves. It’s tough – now it feels like I’m “of two minds” too – like he always appeared to be.
But I’m not. In a year from now, max, I will be 100 percent myself again. Can already feel most of the fog has cleared except for the really bad days, and they get fewer and fewer.
Love to you guys…we’re gonna all be fine, eventually.
Well, aren’t we all “special” as the Church Lady of SNL always said?!
Yes, Orphan, manipulative, controlling, and psychopathic—the trifecta ( or is it tri-ph-ecta? ) of name calling! LOL Oh, and I forgot, LIAR! and MEAN…I’m sure there must have been others too. LOL
I think I’m past the “two minds” stage at this point, there is no doubt in my mind what they are, but –in a way– I feel sorry that they are such defective humans, devoid of a soul, the capacity to love, but that isn’t my “fault”or my “responsibility” and I can’t fix any of them. I do have compassion for my mother, the P-by-proxy, because I know she isn’t a P, she is simply so dysfunctional that she “bet on the wrong horse” and lost the race. Now she has no one, and that’s sad, but at the same time, I didn’t break her, and I can’t fix her, and I don’t take the responsibility any more for her “happiness” — I can’t make anyone except me happy, and that is only a side benefit of doing what I now is right, taking care of myself, etc.
Not every day is a cake walk, but there aren’t any PITS lately, and it’s been 3-4 months since I have even wanted to cry so Iguess I am on the upswing. I’m glad for you too, Orphan, Aloha, Free and BEverly, etc. I feel good when I know that others are doing well too. ((((hugs)))) to you all! FREEDOM
Good morning ladies and thank you SO MUCH for your continued contribution to this thread.
I tried to post, a few days ago, but somehow my post got “corrupted” and never made it to this thread….which didn’t help in me feeling so “alone” in my recovery.
Day 24 of NC with the S…and Day 4 that the S has not been in contact with me either (he had been sending me emails, 2-3 times a day prior, and suddently stopped).
Must admit, that even though I have been strong…maintaining and sticking to absolutely NO CONTACT, his sudden “cut-off” to me, was difficult. It almost felt like he took control again…like he was testing to see if I would react to the sudden stop of “I love yous”, “I miss yous” and “DO YOU LOVE MEs”…. notice that I did say “felt like”…. my mind, logic tells me otherwise.
Almost everyday is a battle of so many emotions and thoughts…..sorrow, anger, hurt, guilt, etc….Mourning for the unlived dreams together, yet wisdom to know that they were mere fantasies of our existence as a couple. Visions of what I could swear was pure and utter “love for me” in his gorgeous blue, seemingly caring eyes…contrasted by seeing the devil himself, standing right in front of me. Enough to drive you crazy, if you let it.
And I REFUSE to let it. I have taken refuge in knowing that I CAN LIVE ALL OF THESE DREAMS….without him…even ALONE, as most of them were created BECAUSE OF ME, MY PASSIONS and MY OPENLY DIVULGED DREAMS….these dreams ARE OF ME….he was just smart/sly enough to entrench himself into what I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN and ALWAYS WANTED in MY LIFE.
The biggest “mourning” of all, was/is of our long distance, wilderness canoe trips…. which he was the one to introduce me to. And, given the “heavy loads” that I’ve had to carry throughout my childhoold/adult life, these were “Freeing”… spiritually so, for me. There is something truly undescribable being in the realms of Mother Nature, in the purest and untouched form, that I immediately connected with it….especially as a wildlife/nature photographer. Oh, and I can go on and on about this…..there is nothing that I would rather be doing, than being in the wilderness.
Reality tells me though, that this specific mourning is unfounded, as I can easily join many fellow wilderness canoeists/campers/nature lovers, that I have met in the last couple of years…..EVEN alone.
For me, it’s usually a matter of “catching myself” when I go back to “gaga land” about the S….snap my fingers, close to my face and say “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?! THIS was a VERY SMALL PORTION of what the relationship with the S was REALLY ABOUT!!! HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN about ALL THE ABUSE, physical, mental, emotional, financial, etc?!?!?”
Sounds a little crazy, huh? This dual conversation/argument within ourselves….Nonetheless, I need to do it…I need to remind myself, EVERY MOMENT, that I AM NOT MOVING BACKWARDS….ONLY FORWARD. And, that once I actually put myself out there…..my complete, NEW and IMPROVED, out there …. at the stern (was always the bowmate) …..in control of the canoe….behind the lense of my camera again…..AND ACTUALLY LIVING IT on my own, then I will know that THIS IS A REALITY and THE FREEDOM that that will bring is MY GIFT TO ME.
Reading all of your posts, this morning, gave me even more power to continue the COMMITMENT to MYSELF …. and so, I shall commit and confirm my attendance to a planned canoe trip on my birthday (May 24th) as MY GIFT TO ME.
For I DESERVE IT.
LOVE and HUGS to ALL of YOU …. Words cannot explain how much better I feel today….back in control….because of people like yourselves, on this forum. Thank you! :o)
Thank you so much for your continued contribution to this thread.
I tried to post, a few days ago, but somehow my post got “corrupted” and never made it to this thread”.which didn’t help in me feeling so “alone” in my recovery.
Day 24 of NC with the S”and Day 4 that the S has not been in contact with me either (he had been sending me emails, 2-3 times a day prior, and suddenly stopped).
Must admit, that even though I have been strong”maintaining and sticking to absolutely NO CONTACT, his sudden “cut-off” to me, was difficult. It almost felt like he took control again”like he was testing to see if I would react to the sudden stop of “I love yous”, “I miss yous” and “Do you love mes—. notice that I did say “felt like—. my mind, logic tells me otherwise.
Almost everyday is a battle of so many emotions and thoughts”..sorrow, anger, hurt, guilt, etc”.Mourning for the unlived dreams together, yet wisdom to know that they were mere fantasies of our existence as a couple. Visions of what I could swear was pure and utter “love for me” in his gorgeous blue, seemingly caring eyes”contrasted by seeing the devil himself, standing right in front of me. Enough to drive you crazy, if you let it.
And I refuse to let it. I have taken refuge in knowing that I CAN live all of these dreams”.without him”even alone. When I really think about it, most of these dreams were created BECAUSE OF ME, MY PASSIONS and MY OPENLY DIVULGED DREAMS”.these dreams ARE OF ME”.he was just smart/sly enough to entrench himself into what I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN and ALWAYS WANTED in MY LIFE.
The biggest “mourning” of all, was/is of our long distance, wilderness canoe trips”. which he was the one to introduce me to. And, given the “heavy loads” that I’ve had to carry throughout my childhoold/adult life, these were “Freeing— spiritually so, for me. There is something truly undescribable being in the realms of Mother Nature, in the purest and untouched form, that I immediately connected with it”.especially as a wildlife/nature photographer. Oh, and I can go on and on about this”..there is nothing that I would rather be doing, than being in the wilderness.
Reality tells me though, that this specific mourning is unfounded, as I can easily join many fellow wilderness canoeists/campers/nature lovers, which I have met in the last couple of years”..EVEN alone.
For me, it’s usually a matter of “catching myself” when I go back to “gaga land” about the S”.snap my fingers, close to my face and say “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?! THIS was a VERY SMALL PORTION of what the relationship with the S was REALLY ABOUT!!! HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN about ALL THE ABUSE, physical, mental, emotional, financial, etc?!?!?”
Sounds a little crazy, huh? This dual conversation/argument within ourselves”.Nonetheless, I need to do it”I need to remind myself, EVERY MOMENT, that I am not moving backwards”.ONLY FORWARD. And, that once I actually put myself out there”..my complete, NEW and IMPROVED, out there ”. at the stern (was always the bowmate) ”..in control of the canoe”.behind the lense of my camera again”..and actually LIVING IT on my own, then I will know that THIS IS A REALITY and THE FREEDOM that that will bring is MY GIFT TO ME.
Reading all of your posts, gave me even more power to continue the commitment to myself ”. and so, I shall commit and confirm my attendance to a planned canoe trip on my birthday (May 24th) as MY GIFT TO ME.
I KNOW it will get better, each and every day, it should get easier. TIME is will eventually heal these scars”.this much, I must believe”.for myself.