By Sarah Strudwick
It’s just coming up for three years now since I wrote Dark Souls, in the hope it would help other women who have been though the same as me. In January 2010 I kicked out my psychopathic ex after uncovering a string of lies which included working for a job that never existed, feigning cancer, multiple sexploits on the internet, and advertising his services as a sperm donor. The list goes on.
Over the last three years I have worked tirelessly to get myself out of debt, educate others and, more important, heal from the abuse. Yet up until a couple of months ago, this person continued to stalk me. I’ve had to change my phone number three times as a result, and I lost a fair amount of business along the way. Whilst I now deal with it in a matter-of-fact way, I always assumed he was stalking because he hadn’t found any new narcissistic supply to keep him busy.
A couple of months ago an ex acupuncture client saw me a in the supermarket and asked why she couldn’t get hold of me for an appointment. I explained I had changed my number and directed her to my website.
Distraught text message
In my optimism, since things have been reasonably good for a few months now, I decided to put the number on my site again, Then voilà —a last week I was amazed to receive a very distraught text message from my ex’s current victim, asking me if I know him and when was the last time I slept with him. My first reaction, since my ex has gone under a number of different guises pretending to be other people in order to keep contact with me, was, “Is it genuinely her or him?” I decided to go on Google and look up the number, which took me to a website he owns.
I was tempted to respond with a comment like, “I’d be more concerned not about ‘when’ was the last time I slept with him, but how many other people he has been seeing during the time they have been together?” After all this is a man who sleeps with “anything,” whether it be women, men or transvestites. But I suggested he or she could call me if they wanted further information. I received a text back saying, “He’s with me now; I can’t talk.” The following day, the number was disconnected.
It goes without saying I was somewhat intrigued as to why she may have contacted me after so long. Although I had evidence about his “sexploits,” there had never been any substantial evidence he was in a “proper” relationship with anyone else apart from me. I was also intrigued that no sooner had I put my website number back up, she called me. I wondered whether he had tracked me down via the internet and used a bit of “torture by triangulation” in order to see what a reaction he would get from either of us.
With that in mind, curiosity killed the cat and I called the number.
The new target
I was shocked to discover that not only was this new target young enough to be his own daughter, but he has had two children with her, in the time we have been apart (one of whom whilst he was with me).
If there was ever a reason not to play “detective,” this had to be one of them. Also, knowing how keen he was to plant his sperm in any women that would be willing to take it, I felt sick seeing the smug look on his face as he smirked holding his new babies. I decided to give myself a big, big slap round the face for even bothering to look. It just goes to show how words and promises mean nothing to them. We should never play detective, no matter how much we have been triggered.
The last time my own family saw him, he had taken my teenage kids out to see “Twilight.” He was telling them how much he loved their mum (i.e. me), and was really looking forwards to sorting himself out and starting a new family with us, since he had left his “horrible” wife. However, I realise now that at that time his new target would have been well and truly pregnant. This probably explains why he wasn’t around at Christmas to support me whilst I recovered in hospital from an internal bleed from an operation. My own daughter had to cook the family Xmas dinner. When he finally did turn up, it comes as no surprise that I kicked him out a few days later in the New Year.
The Disposable Family
I believe psychopaths view their families are utterly disposable. This is a man who had two beautiful, lovely children from his first wife. They are under 10 and still need a father. I assumed he would continue seeing them whether we had had a family or not. However, with the ability to re-invent themselves at the drop of a hat, it comes as no surprise that he has a brand new family. It also doesn’t take rocket science to figure out that it’s only a matter of time before he messes up again. Even worse, and to add insult to injury to his poor first wife, he’s called one of his new children the same name as his son from his previous marriage!
This new woman would not have been able to get my number unless he had searched for it. As I said earlier, I took all phone numbers off my web sites for months. My guess is he’s either already on his way out, and wanted to shift the blame by putting both his current target and myself in a position when if his new partner were to leave him, he could then blame me for “spilling the beans”.
What’s even more interesting was that he would give his poor new, soon to be wife my number. Perhaps it was in order to triangulate and get her all upset. It’s the same as he did to me when he tried to push me to the point where I would tell his own “bitchy” wife that he was having an affair.
Either way, I doubt this woman will contact me again. He’s probably told her the same old sob story about his ex girlfriend being a bitch. He told me his wife was the problem.
Not my responsibility
Despite feeling sorry for his new target, it’s not my responsibility to take on her problems. This man has messed up again. Until he takes responsibility for his own actions, and grows a conscience, it’s only matter of time before he re-invents himself and starts another family all over again.
On a positive note, in January 2013 I celebrate three years being psychopath free. Whilst it’s hurtful to find out that he’s got a new family, I thank my lucky stars daily that I don’t have the legacy of having a family to raise from him to remind me of him.
If I would give anyone any advice after this recent discovery, is that it’s only a matter of time until your ex, or one of their many victims, will turn up again like a bad penny. Whether it’s three months, three years, or 30 years, it’s just one of the many ways in which they try their hardest to remind people (no matter how much you have moved on with your life) they will continue to do their best to remind you they are still there lurking in the background. It may be giving your phone number to new partners, or for whatever reason or making you feel responsible for their new victims. Either way don’t bite, don’t engage and most of all, however hard it is, don’t play detective ever again.
Whoo hoo, KIM!! Good for you. You ARE worth it.
As Erin Brock says BOUNCY HAIR! Strut yer stuff Kimmie Baby@.......
kim:
YAY for you!!! I am so happy you did that for yourself!!! 🙂
Kim, awesome!!!!!!!
I feel like the most unattractive mess on the planet, and no color or cut is going to sort THAT out! LMAO!!!
Good for you, Kim!!!!!
Brightest blessings!
I want to start off by saying thank you so much for your articles! It has been 8 months since I’ve seen my ex domestic partner psychopath, and yes,he is to the T a psychopath. My question is why aren’t ther more articles, or anything ese for that matter, written about gay psychopaths? In the gay community it seems that my ex was able to target many more suppliers. Just wondering. Thank you.
I wanted to reply to orange ocean skys: I’m 5 months out from my gay psychopath. I think gays are an easy target for the psychopath to prey upon. Especially if they are younger and the target is older. I believe the gay community has a higher percentage of S/P’s compared to the general population. Since an older male is not in the mainstream of gay life, he is easily flattered when a young man takes an interest in him. Being lovebombed at 60 by a 25 year old feels awesome. I consider myself to be a nice guy, generous, and willing to help anybody who needs help. In other words psychopath bait. Ive been through many relationships where i had met “the one” only to find out they were lying, deceiving, and cheating on me the whole time. Finally, after going to a therapist, I realized I was attracting psychopaths. Men with no shame, conscious, fear, or guilt and on the lookout for a man with money who they can scam for as long as possible. Eventually their mask slips and you can see who they are. I feel we should be taught about P/S in the 8th grade. Its pretty sad to find out at 60 about personality disorders.
Jcco thank you for the reply, and Imara I think you are right. The only thing left in me is, Is this jerk done with me YET? he called last week and I am still having no contact with him. This is the first psychopath I’ve ever delt with, and I pray he stays in Long Beach! Thanks again for the replys.
Jcco;
I am a long-time poster who drifts in and out. I not only agree that the gay community has a higher percentage of not only sociopaths but Cluster-B disorders in general, and I speak as a gay man, various studies seem to support such.
This one is mind boggling: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3156616/
Nearly 100% of GLBT persons with a substance abuse disorder also had a personality disorder. This is nearly three times the rate of heterosexuals with a substance abuse disorder. While a logical question would be one of nature vs. nurture, given that gays are subject to isolation, persecution, discrimination and ridicule, unfortunately, as gays have become more accepted, rates of substance abuse have not gone down. Since substance abuse and PDs are strongly correlated, the implication is that PDs in gays are not linked to nurture.
There is a strong link to smoking and mental health issues. One would think that a community that values appearance so much would be very much anti-smoking but such is not the case with the gay community, where smoking rates are twice that of the straight community.
Those with Borderline Personality Disorder are much more likely to report homosexual contact — http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3203737/
Even HIV infection rates are strongly correlated to PDs:
“In comparison with the general population, patients belonging to an HIV-risk-behavior group such as injection drug users (IDUs) may also be more likely to have a personality disorder, particularly borderline personality disorder or antisocial personality. Antisocial and borderline personality disorders are the two most prevalent personality disorders among substance-using patients, with reported estimates of 22% for antisocial personality disorder and 18% for borderline personality disorder.”
http://www.hivguidelines.org/clinical-guidelines/hiv-and-mental-health/personality-disorders-in-patients-with-hivaids/
The latter is of particular importance to me, as I was involved with a person who I strongly believe was HIV+ and did not tell me.
Wow! Interesting! But doesn’t surprise me. Gays and iv drug abusers are “just like us but” in gays their lives have that extra complication and iv abusers embrace the drugs must have some extra mental or emotional complications to allow themselves to be captured by substances.
BBE you said: The latter is of particular importance to me, as I was involved with a person who I strongly believe was HIV+ and did not tell me…what an ass…my exspath left me with HPV and due to the fact that i am older, it’s not going away, seems only the youngsters have the immune system to shake it. I wouldn’t dream of ever having sex with anyone, whether they knew and accepted it or not! I would never pass this disease on! Hope you are well. If not, he should be charged with attempted murder. My exspath i assume is still infected with HPV as well, he’s in his 50s, so i would guess he has no more ability to shake it than me, but even knowing that he has burdened me with having to go for biopsies every 3 months, he just goes and sticks it in whoever will let him!
R
BBE, Your statistics are very interesting. What do you think are the implications of all this? Are you saying (or thinking) that somehow the genes for sexual orientation are somehow linked to the genes for personality disorder? Or do you think that it may take a few generations for the effects of “acceptance” to be noticed in a more substantial way?
Granted, my association with the gay community is only through the gay friends and acquaintances I’ve had over the years. But without exception, every one of my gay friends seems much saner than most other people I know. Maybe it’s just the luck of the draw.
Stargazer;
I guess you are lucky! Not that I am saying that your friends are sociopaths, but if you met my x-spath, you would have found him charming enough to bring to a family Xmas dinner.
Womb testosterone levels are a factor that is believed to cause sociopathy. It is also believed to cause homosexuality. There are other similar and sometimes interesting correlations, such as Autism, even left-handedness.
But these studies and many, many others are compelling. Neither I nor they say all or even a majority of gay people have a PD, but the number, about 1/3, is startling high.
Before I had serious anxiety and depression issues from job related stress (a sociopathic Wall Street employer), I had a simple rule when meeting men — do not date somebody who both drinks and smokes. When I violated that rule, every guy I dated turned out to have a PD – two Borderlines and a Sociopath.
My experience gets even more interesting, in that in my life, virtually every person I ever dated whom I met in a bar or club had serious issues, while only one or two whom I met outside a bar or club had problems.
In the past, I saw a gay bar as a viable place to meet people, but now, given my experience and understanding gained from these an other studies, I have reconsidered that option and proceed only with caution, given that maybe half of those persons in the bar have a serous mental health problem.
A few years ago, a team went to various London gay bars and clubs and performed rapid HIV tests — 15% were HIV+.
Interestingly, most gay people think that being “open-minded” about drugs is proper and view those who are not as being “close-minded.”
Looking critically at gay pride parades, they seem more and more an exercise in Narcissism and Hedonism.
And this is from a gay person who is neither closed minded nor inexperienced.
BBE~
You sure have done your homework! I bet you wouldn’t buy a strawberry plant without a book to go with it! I like that. I have touted for years that people that smoke must have mental problems, others laugh at me when i say that. Both my parents smoked themselves to death, my father was a physician. I believe at least that smoking effects the part of the brain that should tell you not to do it. Your info is very interesting, thank you so much for it! If you lived near Chuck, SC we could be pals!
R
imhope;
First, again, keep things in perspective. Even if these numbers which imply that from several different angles that 1/3 of gay men have serious mental health issues, for whatever reasons, 2/3s do not. Since many with issues can hide them well, clues or “red flags” are required to help sort them out.
Not all who smoke have a mental health issue. Some are unfortunate to become addicted while young and have a great deal of trouble quitting. Given the health implications, especially to an LTR, a heath-conscious person should not consider dating a smoker, as any attempt to fix this habit will cause turmoil in the relationship.
Not all who drink have a drinking problem or an underlying mental health issue; however, many heavy drinks do. Thus, heavy drinking should be viewed as a red flag.
In combination, a significant portion of those who both smoke and are heavy drinks have an underlying mental health issue — something approaching 50%.
Thus, the combination of smoking and heavy drinking should be viewed as a major red flag.
Guys…my belief is that we live in a society in which being gay makes you in and of itself tender and vulnerable. And you know what vulnerability attracts!!! Coming out is a difficult process for some (if not all). If that process leaves you socially isolated or emotionally tired…watch out!!!
I think that of everything I have learnt about these human predators this is the most important….We have to be healthy and strong and comfortable. If we are in any way wounded and vulnerable those sharks circle.
Well said Imara!
R
orange ocean skys – Lovefraud does have several members who are gay. I don’t know about the numbers of sociopaths in the gay community, but it seems to me that the behaviors are exactly the same. I haven’t heard of any way in which gay sociopaths behave differently than those who are heterosexual.
In my opinion, many sociopaths are neither straight nor gay. They use sex as a manipulation technique, and will have sex with anyone in order to further their agenda.
Donna Andersen, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. You are correct with what you wrote because every blog I’ve read were of heterosexual couples and they were exactly like what I went through. Thank you again for such great, and helpful work.
What am i missing? Who is gay?
R
I am:) you made me laugh.
Well…?
Well… I am a 42 yr old male I met my ex pshchopth/domestic partner 3 years ago we became domestic partners 2 years ago and at the beginning any wish I made he made come true. About 3 months in I found a dating website on his computer so I asked him about it. He started to kiss me with no reply so I stop him and told him no we need to talk he grab me and put his face close to mine and said, ” no one and I mean no one has ever told me no.” It was like a different person. So we faught about that and not the real issue. At that time I didn’t know that would be the foundation for the entire relationship. I went through being belittled, liied to, cheated on, many, many, many times, and chocked unconscious, and hit in the head with a steel candle holder which knocked me out. He works for a train station so for him to be gone for days was not that uncommon, the perfect cover. He’s 42 and now he has a 27 yr who works at a gas station.. oh well. It’s been 8 months since the break up and I am a lot better! He still trys to get a hold of me but the next time I see him it will be at court for the divorce.
Ugh! When i’m asked if i believe in gay marriage i say, sure, i think they should have to go thru divorce just like the rest of us! Now that i’m seeing it happen, i bite my tongue, not so funny now! Ouch, so, where were you married? Why do you think he married you? Is his 27 yr old honey a guy or does he have a cover?
R
I recognise some of what the article’s author has experienced; my abuser who has psychopathic traits has two failed marriages behind him and he has harad me for 9 months now. It’s now a police matter. But I take issue with the title of the article which presents the author’s personal belief ( that all sociopaths return to their ex partners lives after a break up) as fact. It isn’t a fact. Many posters here have had exactly the opposite experience- that of being unceremoniously dumped by their disordered ex who moves on with great speed to a new target and dismisses their heartbroken and confused ex’s attempts to discuss the situation. Then, the former partner is portrayed themselves as abusive / crazy / a stalker.
I’ve read many posts here where , rather than harassing their ex, the person with sociopathic traits discards and disappears.
Also, I have to take issue with the author’s rather alarming advice that ” it’s only a matter of time until your ex, or one of their many victims, will turn up again like a bad penny. Whether it’s three months, three years, or 30 years,”
Again, this is the author’s personal belief / speculation. It is not based on any cited research into sociopaths and stalking behaviour.
Anyone being stalked by an abusive ex, please take heart. The majority of ex partner stalkers who are persistent and also personality disordered is very small. Most stalkers are not disordered and most stop once the police are involved. Most persistent disordered stalkers stalk strangers and associates, not ex partners.
If you are unlucky enough to have a persistent stalker ex who is also a sociopath, the research suggests their activities on average carry on for weeks and months, and does stop. The key thing is not to respond to any attempts to contact you ( or if you are coparenting keep contact strictly court mandated and via lawyers whenever possible)
Great advice! I appreciate it. Thank you.
Orange ocean skies, did you have counseling to support you after the domestic violence? About any ongoing harassment by your estranged husband, ex partner harassment is motivated by desire to resume the relationship , desire to punish the ex partner for breaking away, or, researchers have found, it’s often an ambivalent mixture of those two impulses. It is horrible but it’s been shown in studies into victims of stalking and harassment that the more pro active you are about protecting yourself and compiling evidence, the more resilient you will be during the experience and the quicker you’ll bounce back. Try the Stalking Risk website for lots of great advice by acacademics who know their stuff. Good luck and stay safe!