By Sarah Strudwick
It’s just coming up for three years now since I wrote Dark Souls, in the hope it would help other women who have been though the same as me. In January 2010 I kicked out my psychopathic ex after uncovering a string of lies which included working for a job that never existed, feigning cancer, multiple sexploits on the internet, and advertising his services as a sperm donor. The list goes on.
Over the last three years I have worked tirelessly to get myself out of debt, educate others and, more important, heal from the abuse. Yet up until a couple of months ago, this person continued to stalk me. I’ve had to change my phone number three times as a result, and I lost a fair amount of business along the way. Whilst I now deal with it in a matter-of-fact way, I always assumed he was stalking because he hadn’t found any new narcissistic supply to keep him busy.
A couple of months ago an ex acupuncture client saw me a in the supermarket and asked why she couldn’t get hold of me for an appointment. I explained I had changed my number and directed her to my website.
Distraught text message
In my optimism, since things have been reasonably good for a few months now, I decided to put the number on my site again, Then voilà —a last week I was amazed to receive a very distraught text message from my ex’s current victim, asking me if I know him and when was the last time I slept with him. My first reaction, since my ex has gone under a number of different guises pretending to be other people in order to keep contact with me, was, “Is it genuinely her or him?” I decided to go on Google and look up the number, which took me to a website he owns.
I was tempted to respond with a comment like, “I’d be more concerned not about ‘when’ was the last time I slept with him, but how many other people he has been seeing during the time they have been together?” After all this is a man who sleeps with “anything,” whether it be women, men or transvestites. But I suggested he or she could call me if they wanted further information. I received a text back saying, “He’s with me now; I can’t talk.” The following day, the number was disconnected.
It goes without saying I was somewhat intrigued as to why she may have contacted me after so long. Although I had evidence about his “sexploits,” there had never been any substantial evidence he was in a “proper” relationship with anyone else apart from me. I was also intrigued that no sooner had I put my website number back up, she called me. I wondered whether he had tracked me down via the internet and used a bit of “torture by triangulation” in order to see what a reaction he would get from either of us.
With that in mind, curiosity killed the cat and I called the number.
The new target
I was shocked to discover that not only was this new target young enough to be his own daughter, but he has had two children with her, in the time we have been apart (one of whom whilst he was with me).
If there was ever a reason not to play “detective,” this had to be one of them. Also, knowing how keen he was to plant his sperm in any women that would be willing to take it, I felt sick seeing the smug look on his face as he smirked holding his new babies. I decided to give myself a big, big slap round the face for even bothering to look. It just goes to show how words and promises mean nothing to them. We should never play detective, no matter how much we have been triggered.
The last time my own family saw him, he had taken my teenage kids out to see “Twilight.” He was telling them how much he loved their mum (i.e. me), and was really looking forwards to sorting himself out and starting a new family with us, since he had left his “horrible” wife. However, I realise now that at that time his new target would have been well and truly pregnant. This probably explains why he wasn’t around at Christmas to support me whilst I recovered in hospital from an internal bleed from an operation. My own daughter had to cook the family Xmas dinner. When he finally did turn up, it comes as no surprise that I kicked him out a few days later in the New Year.
The Disposable Family
I believe psychopaths view their families are utterly disposable. This is a man who had two beautiful, lovely children from his first wife. They are under 10 and still need a father. I assumed he would continue seeing them whether we had had a family or not. However, with the ability to re-invent themselves at the drop of a hat, it comes as no surprise that he has a brand new family. It also doesn’t take rocket science to figure out that it’s only a matter of time before he messes up again. Even worse, and to add insult to injury to his poor first wife, he’s called one of his new children the same name as his son from his previous marriage!
This new woman would not have been able to get my number unless he had searched for it. As I said earlier, I took all phone numbers off my web sites for months. My guess is he’s either already on his way out, and wanted to shift the blame by putting both his current target and myself in a position when if his new partner were to leave him, he could then blame me for “spilling the beans”.
What’s even more interesting was that he would give his poor new, soon to be wife my number. Perhaps it was in order to triangulate and get her all upset. It’s the same as he did to me when he tried to push me to the point where I would tell his own “bitchy” wife that he was having an affair.
Either way, I doubt this woman will contact me again. He’s probably told her the same old sob story about his ex girlfriend being a bitch. He told me his wife was the problem.
Not my responsibility
Despite feeling sorry for his new target, it’s not my responsibility to take on her problems. This man has messed up again. Until he takes responsibility for his own actions, and grows a conscience, it’s only matter of time before he re-invents himself and starts another family all over again.
On a positive note, in January 2013 I celebrate three years being psychopath free. Whilst it’s hurtful to find out that he’s got a new family, I thank my lucky stars daily that I don’t have the legacy of having a family to raise from him to remind me of him.
If I would give anyone any advice after this recent discovery, is that it’s only a matter of time until your ex, or one of their many victims, will turn up again like a bad penny. Whether it’s three months, three years, or 30 years, it’s just one of the many ways in which they try their hardest to remind people (no matter how much you have moved on with your life) they will continue to do their best to remind you they are still there lurking in the background. It may be giving your phone number to new partners, or for whatever reason or making you feel responsible for their new victims. Either way don’t bite, don’t engage and most of all, however hard it is, don’t play detective ever again.
MoonDancer
Louise, Maybe that’s it, we are crazy! But I would rather be crazy then with him any day…..well I hope one of these days I forget him but I kinda doubt it..
If a vampire jumped out of a tree and bit me I would never forget that either. Like I have said, meeting a sociopath is kinda like being under the spell of a vampire…maybe we should get a blood transfusion or something…
I had an ok day Louise…happy TG to you..
Ox Drover
Moon Dancer,
Sugar, my grandpa used to tell me that when a cat has jumped on a HOT STOVE, he is not gonna be put on a cold one….in other words, when we have been burned badly by someone we are always gonna be a bit leery. The cat can’t understand WHY the stove burned him one time and didn’t burn him another time, so he just avoids stoves all together…
We have to learn to understand WHY we got burned, to learn the RED FLAGS of why one person burned and another one doesn’t burn…it may take us a long time to learn those RED FLAGS and to internalize them so that we no longer have FEAR of being burned.
But you know, there are other ways of being burned than in love relationships, I just got nailed a few weeks ago when I bought the dog….and I consider myself an “old horse trader” in the most cautious sense of the word….and I still got burned. I blame myself on that one as much as I blame the scam artists….and that’s the MOST PAINFUL PART IS THE SELF BLAME…but I have come to terms with it now and as we speak I have one kick arse dog lying at my feet, and God help the person who tried to hurt me, she’s got a mouth full of alligator teeth. She’s got hips that are genetically defective, so she may not be around for a long time, but for RIGHT NOW she’s what I need, so sometimes even when we get “scammed” there is something there that is what we need…even if it is just the lesson.
When I think about loyal dogs, and gutsy ones, Hens, I think about the time you came home and your weiner dog was BACKING in through the doggie door, and it turned out she was dragging in a DEAD POSSOM she had killed protecting your home! LOL I can visualize that scene in my sleep, it is one of THE funniest animal stories I have ever heard!
Hope everyone had a great day of Thanksgiving, good food and peace! (and that you didn’t have to work at one of the stores being besieged by Gray Thursday or Black Friday)
MoonDancer
Hi Ox,,, The possum killin wiener dog has bad hip’s now also, I think her days of draggin in her kills ( possums frogs and snakes) and putting them in my bed are over.
Happy thanks giving to you Ox..
Ox Drover
Son D’s black mouth curr dog got bitten by a copper head snake last summer, big old snake, and she swelled up like all get out, but she killed that sucker, and I never did even find his head, I guess she ate it…but he was one DAID SNAKE.
Those little wiener dogs were bred to be fierce and they are sure that!
Louise
Moon:
I think you are right…we are crazy! I will speak for myself and say, yes, I think I am.
A blood transfusion or a brain transplant. Then I could forget…
🙂
Back_from_the_edge
Great post Sarah!
Thanks for your validation.
I thought I was listening to myself,
there, for a moment. You have described
it all to such a remarkable “T”….
Triangulation; yes – playing people against one another
for entertainment. Oh yes. I went through YEARS of
this – OW and OM calling ME – strangers, I never even
have met or know….all at the instruction or spurring on
by “IT”…I don’t and never have played THOSE games…
I merely :::block::: and :::delete:::, of course, it took me
a while to figure it all out. I changed a long standing,
business phone number in an attempt to STOP the
stalking and harassment from “IT” and it’s ‘band of
merry minions’….but, alas, as I had already THOUGHT
would be the case, that anonymity only lasted 90 days.
The intrusions continue.
Does this stalking and stuff REALLY last forever, Sarah?
Does it? I absolutely HATE that this disgusting sick person
has himself attached to me like a blood sucking emotional
leech.
I must say, that being away from home all day today,
and spending it with family was a very refreshing way
to just sweep it all under the rug for me and I was most
impressed when I returned home and there was no ‘minion’
messages on my phone nor on my computer, just waiting
for me….
I am breathing a HUGE sigh of relief that I haven’t had
not one inkling of “IT” around today – that’s good….
perhaps I am getting ‘lucky’ and the ‘new victim’ has
“IT” captured well enough that it can’t get free no more
to visit all his OW….
Oh yes, Sarah, I completely SAW my situation in your
post. Unfortunately, the details of my story run a lot
deeper….so deep and so complex, there are times I
don’t even like remembering it all, much less trying to
explain it all to someone.
I have decided that the best thing I can do for myself
and what is left of my life is to try BURYING IT in one
of those PTSD files and forgetting about it…
It’s difficult to forget when you realize that someone would
have murdered you, if you would have let it continue one more
moment…that someone who USED TO BE your best friend in
this life. Someone you have loved more than anything….
Just such betrayal.
I have NO AFFECTION for “IT” any longer…
NONE. The best thing “IT” can do is stay far away from me…
I am in self defense/protective mode and I think I am going
to just get stuck there now…
Eventually, I will move somewhere else…
leave no trails. I don’t understand why “IT”
wants me dead…I don’t understand the obsession.
A therapist told me, recently, that YES, that narcissism DOES
run that deep. I don’t even ‘know’ this person any more. It
has been a couple of years since I saw “IT” last….
The only thing that has worked for me is forgetting and
burying…it’s almost impossible to do but if you try real
hard, it’s possible almost 99.9% – the rest is ruminating
and feeling in between wanting to knock his block off
and laughing – karma always rules in the end, you know.
I SEE karma alive and working…
I believe, absolutely.
No evil done goes left unpunished.
Believe that. ALL OF YOU.
It’s true.
Hope every one got to eat real well….
I was pampered for the whole afternoon and evening…
Wonderful family moments…
Thanks Sarah: you have helped me feel not so alone…
I heard you and you connected with me in a remarkable way.
Dupey
Louise
Dupey:
I am glad you enjoyed Thanksgiving yesterday with family.
garfy4321
Right now I feel very vulnerable to her returning, and to me accepting me back into my life. She took everything that meant anything to me but for some reason I miss her. Thanksgiving was miserable for me, I felt like I had a hole in my soul.
Ox Drover
garfy,
Holidays do that for many of us, but I suggest that you do something non traditional for a holiday…take a trip or go to a movie. My step son and his family go to the movies after Christmas lunch. I think that is so cool.
Or go rent a hotel room somewhere at a spa resort and get a massage…
Go down and volunteer at your local shelter to serve dinner for the holiday for the less privileged….
Whatever you do, DO NOT STAY HOME ALONE SUCKING YOUR THUMB (emotionally) get out and DO SOMETHING!~
skylar
Oxy,
those are tremendously good ideas! Serve others when your heart is broken, it helps to heal.