By Sarah Strudwick
It’s just coming up for three years now since I wrote Dark Souls, in the hope it would help other women who have been though the same as me. In January 2010 I kicked out my psychopathic ex after uncovering a string of lies which included working for a job that never existed, feigning cancer, multiple sexploits on the internet, and advertising his services as a sperm donor. The list goes on.
Over the last three years I have worked tirelessly to get myself out of debt, educate others and, more important, heal from the abuse. Yet up until a couple of months ago, this person continued to stalk me. I’ve had to change my phone number three times as a result, and I lost a fair amount of business along the way. Whilst I now deal with it in a matter-of-fact way, I always assumed he was stalking because he hadn’t found any new narcissistic supply to keep him busy.
A couple of months ago an ex acupuncture client saw me a in the supermarket and asked why she couldn’t get hold of me for an appointment. I explained I had changed my number and directed her to my website.
Distraught text message
In my optimism, since things have been reasonably good for a few months now, I decided to put the number on my site again, Then voilà —a last week I was amazed to receive a very distraught text message from my ex’s current victim, asking me if I know him and when was the last time I slept with him. My first reaction, since my ex has gone under a number of different guises pretending to be other people in order to keep contact with me, was, “Is it genuinely her or him?” I decided to go on Google and look up the number, which took me to a website he owns.
I was tempted to respond with a comment like, “I’d be more concerned not about ‘when’ was the last time I slept with him, but how many other people he has been seeing during the time they have been together?” After all this is a man who sleeps with “anything,” whether it be women, men or transvestites. But I suggested he or she could call me if they wanted further information. I received a text back saying, “He’s with me now; I can’t talk.” The following day, the number was disconnected.
It goes without saying I was somewhat intrigued as to why she may have contacted me after so long. Although I had evidence about his “sexploits,” there had never been any substantial evidence he was in a “proper” relationship with anyone else apart from me. I was also intrigued that no sooner had I put my website number back up, she called me. I wondered whether he had tracked me down via the internet and used a bit of “torture by triangulation” in order to see what a reaction he would get from either of us.
With that in mind, curiosity killed the cat and I called the number.
The new target
I was shocked to discover that not only was this new target young enough to be his own daughter, but he has had two children with her, in the time we have been apart (one of whom whilst he was with me).
If there was ever a reason not to play “detective,” this had to be one of them. Also, knowing how keen he was to plant his sperm in any women that would be willing to take it, I felt sick seeing the smug look on his face as he smirked holding his new babies. I decided to give myself a big, big slap round the face for even bothering to look. It just goes to show how words and promises mean nothing to them. We should never play detective, no matter how much we have been triggered.
The last time my own family saw him, he had taken my teenage kids out to see “Twilight.” He was telling them how much he loved their mum (i.e. me), and was really looking forwards to sorting himself out and starting a new family with us, since he had left his “horrible” wife. However, I realise now that at that time his new target would have been well and truly pregnant. This probably explains why he wasn’t around at Christmas to support me whilst I recovered in hospital from an internal bleed from an operation. My own daughter had to cook the family Xmas dinner. When he finally did turn up, it comes as no surprise that I kicked him out a few days later in the New Year.
The Disposable Family
I believe psychopaths view their families are utterly disposable. This is a man who had two beautiful, lovely children from his first wife. They are under 10 and still need a father. I assumed he would continue seeing them whether we had had a family or not. However, with the ability to re-invent themselves at the drop of a hat, it comes as no surprise that he has a brand new family. It also doesn’t take rocket science to figure out that it’s only a matter of time before he messes up again. Even worse, and to add insult to injury to his poor first wife, he’s called one of his new children the same name as his son from his previous marriage!
This new woman would not have been able to get my number unless he had searched for it. As I said earlier, I took all phone numbers off my web sites for months. My guess is he’s either already on his way out, and wanted to shift the blame by putting both his current target and myself in a position when if his new partner were to leave him, he could then blame me for “spilling the beans”.
What’s even more interesting was that he would give his poor new, soon to be wife my number. Perhaps it was in order to triangulate and get her all upset. It’s the same as he did to me when he tried to push me to the point where I would tell his own “bitchy” wife that he was having an affair.
Either way, I doubt this woman will contact me again. He’s probably told her the same old sob story about his ex girlfriend being a bitch. He told me his wife was the problem.
Not my responsibility
Despite feeling sorry for his new target, it’s not my responsibility to take on her problems. This man has messed up again. Until he takes responsibility for his own actions, and grows a conscience, it’s only matter of time before he re-invents himself and starts another family all over again.
On a positive note, in January 2013 I celebrate three years being psychopath free. Whilst it’s hurtful to find out that he’s got a new family, I thank my lucky stars daily that I don’t have the legacy of having a family to raise from him to remind me of him.
If I would give anyone any advice after this recent discovery, is that it’s only a matter of time until your ex, or one of their many victims, will turn up again like a bad penny. Whether it’s three months, three years, or 30 years, it’s just one of the many ways in which they try their hardest to remind people (no matter how much you have moved on with your life) they will continue to do their best to remind you they are still there lurking in the background. It may be giving your phone number to new partners, or for whatever reason or making you feel responsible for their new victims. Either way don’t bite, don’t engage and most of all, however hard it is, don’t play detective ever again.
Louise,
yes, I think that we are talking about 2 different species. The N’s and the P’s. P’s, like my ex-spath, hate all humanity. They wear a mask all the time. Sometimes, they will mirror an N, in an attempt to get the N to do something evil. But the N-man has a boundary, he won’t attack a man. A P will attack anything, and always do it through the use of a mask and a mirror.
These N-men, hate women and they hate people who are of a different race than themselves. People who are different make them feel negated.
Eralyn,
I do believe that they get their misogynistic and racist ideas from other N-men. Usually their own fathers.
I think that my spath’s father was a true P because when spath was an infant, he got meningitis and spiked a terrible fever, but the p-dad wouldn’t take him to the hospital. Instead he waited for hours while the mom cried and begged and held the spath baby in ice water. Later, he relented.
Spath’s mom told me that her P-husband just sat on the couch, showing no emotion.
When my daughter had to go to supervised visitation with her father, she put a target right on his own brothers back. She told him, “my mom always thought your brother, Joe (not real name) was the best looking in your family.” I thought to myself when she told me this that Joe was going to get it. Rumor has it, Joe came to visit from across the country, and psycho father, sent Joe out of his house walking 10 miles in a place he hadn’t been in years. Called the police on Joe for some reason (father used Joes identity on traffic tickets here in the past so this may be why father thought to call police because, good looking Joe would go to jail). Joe was so terrified by fathers behavior, he left his personal belongings behind and it’s said they have disowned each other as brothers. I have to wonder if daughters comments did thist. It’s exactly what I would have predicted he would do. There has always been brotherly rivalry but this was bad.
Psychos have no loyalty when it comes to themselves. It’s YOU or THEM no matter what or who you are.
Me and psycho2’s aunt used to sit and joke about which head injury he got caused the tormented excuse of human flesh he became……….or always was.
Eralyn,
Wow, I think you got that right. He’s a total spath and hates his own brother.
My spath sister also had a head injury which changed her cognitive abilities, she became sort of an airhead. Yet, when I think back to her youth, before the head injury, I see many spath traits. She like to lie to get others in trouble. She stole my clothes and “lost” them. She demanded that I do her homework. She consistently chose people in authority (or whom she perceived as authorities) as lovers.
Still, she didn’t become evil until she met her spath husband. He convinced her that it’s ok to be evil and that killing off your siblings is the way to make sure you inherit everything.
Yes, the mark of a true psycho, is no loyalty to anyone. Except that she seems to have loyalty to her spath husband. I guess only a bigger spath can inspire that loyalty from a true spath.
William Reich and Alexander Lowen called the psychopathic personality, “the inspirer”.
http://reichandlowentherapy.org/Content/Character/Psychopathic/psychopathic_inspirer.html
Skylar
One of the things I found SO interesting about this linkage to THE INSPIRER is that their primary longing is to have integrity.
When I first met my spath, he lied to me saying he was in the military for 20+ years and was one level under a colonel. I don’t know much about the military, and ignored it because I didn’t understand rank. He thought it would impress me, but it didn’t. Not only that, but he didn’t really look very military to me (pot belly), so I sort of questioned the whole thing.
He is fascinated by men of the military, and war stories, and guns. And while he WAS in the military for 4 years when he was younger, it was ONLY FOUR YEARS, and then he got out.
He said that was his biggest regret in life, that he wished he would have stayed in the ARMY, and that he wanted to be the kind of man who dedicated his life to the military as a higher, noble cause.
That is, he wanted to have integrity.
But the reality is he has NONE.
It is hard to pity a spath when you think about it that way.
He’s simply gross and repulsive. A devil. A slimy devil.
Athena
It is tough to forget what the spath has done to you. But every day more time lapses in between these thoughts of him and who I wanted him to be. But he showed me who he really is and that is what I must never forget. But like many of you, I have searched the Internet looking for updates on his pathetic, sick existence. And what did I find? A blog – domesticstud.blogspot.com. His words. THe same words he uses to bait his prey. The same words he used to bait me. And it sickens me that another woman will fall for those words. My counsellor read the blog and said “those are not feeling, they are thoughts or rants”. He doesn’t feel any of those things but rather they are observations of things he wants others to think he feels. That is how these monsters hook us. Then the traumatic bonding keeps us with them and devastates us when they discard us. I hope Karma is out there because I have heard she is a B*#@*H!!!!!
Sky, here is a short quote from the link you provided above
“Commonly noted with the inspirer over time is a lack of empathy or compassion and a lack of conscious feelings of remorse or guilt. Others that are hurt are seen to be ‘casualties of war’ that is in the wrong place at the right time. Also commonly noted is a craving for intensity and excessive stimulation to counteract numbness. Often there is poor impulse control and an intolerance of boundaries and structure. One mnemonic to remember the most disruptive traits of this character is the Five I’s: irritable, indifferent, insincere, impulsive, and irresponsible. The five i’s of course refer to traits that produce conflict with others, and ignore the inspirational and path-finding abilities of this character.”
Yea like Matt’s four “tions” which were habita-tion, educa-tion, transporta-tion and can’t remember what the last one was but it meant JOB.
DLD: Trust me: karma “IS” out there…
Be patient; keep strong and you will see it.
I am seeing it and it’s stunning because I haven’t
had to lift a finger and I am sorry for “IT” but I am
more sorry for myself at this point. Hm?
Do not let this experience define who you are.
Stay strong and remember who you are.
Love ~ Dupey
Athena,
I’m not sure but I think that integrity in this case might have a much deeper meaning. An infant lacks integrity. As babies, we are disconnected in every way. We can’t control our arms, legs, bowels, emotions. Even our perceptions is fragmented. It’s just because the brain is not fully developed.
I think that the spaths have that lack of integrity because their personalities are undeveloped. Not to say they can’t control their arms or legs, but they don’t actually have a sense of self, so they can become anyone they with to mirror. Yet without a mirror, they are nobody.
The type of integrity that you described, belonging to a noble cause, something bigger than ourselves, follows much later on the road to maturity. First, we have to stop being infantile. Spaths never even took the first step.
Oxy,
I was so lacking in boundaries when I met the spath, that none of the i’s or the tion’s made any difference to me. I thought I could carry both our weights and take all the responsibility. Maybe that’s what the spath meant when he said I was arrogant.