By Sarah Strudwick
It’s just coming up for three years now since I wrote Dark Souls, in the hope it would help other women who have been though the same as me. In January 2010 I kicked out my psychopathic ex after uncovering a string of lies which included working for a job that never existed, feigning cancer, multiple sexploits on the internet, and advertising his services as a sperm donor. The list goes on.
Over the last three years I have worked tirelessly to get myself out of debt, educate others and, more important, heal from the abuse. Yet up until a couple of months ago, this person continued to stalk me. I’ve had to change my phone number three times as a result, and I lost a fair amount of business along the way. Whilst I now deal with it in a matter-of-fact way, I always assumed he was stalking because he hadn’t found any new narcissistic supply to keep him busy.
A couple of months ago an ex acupuncture client saw me a in the supermarket and asked why she couldn’t get hold of me for an appointment. I explained I had changed my number and directed her to my website.
Distraught text message
In my optimism, since things have been reasonably good for a few months now, I decided to put the number on my site again, Then voilà —a last week I was amazed to receive a very distraught text message from my ex’s current victim, asking me if I know him and when was the last time I slept with him. My first reaction, since my ex has gone under a number of different guises pretending to be other people in order to keep contact with me, was, “Is it genuinely her or him?” I decided to go on Google and look up the number, which took me to a website he owns.
I was tempted to respond with a comment like, “I’d be more concerned not about ‘when’ was the last time I slept with him, but how many other people he has been seeing during the time they have been together?” After all this is a man who sleeps with “anything,” whether it be women, men or transvestites. But I suggested he or she could call me if they wanted further information. I received a text back saying, “He’s with me now; I can’t talk.” The following day, the number was disconnected.
It goes without saying I was somewhat intrigued as to why she may have contacted me after so long. Although I had evidence about his “sexploits,” there had never been any substantial evidence he was in a “proper” relationship with anyone else apart from me. I was also intrigued that no sooner had I put my website number back up, she called me. I wondered whether he had tracked me down via the internet and used a bit of “torture by triangulation” in order to see what a reaction he would get from either of us.
With that in mind, curiosity killed the cat and I called the number.
The new target
I was shocked to discover that not only was this new target young enough to be his own daughter, but he has had two children with her, in the time we have been apart (one of whom whilst he was with me).
If there was ever a reason not to play “detective,” this had to be one of them. Also, knowing how keen he was to plant his sperm in any women that would be willing to take it, I felt sick seeing the smug look on his face as he smirked holding his new babies. I decided to give myself a big, big slap round the face for even bothering to look. It just goes to show how words and promises mean nothing to them. We should never play detective, no matter how much we have been triggered.
The last time my own family saw him, he had taken my teenage kids out to see “Twilight.” He was telling them how much he loved their mum (i.e. me), and was really looking forwards to sorting himself out and starting a new family with us, since he had left his “horrible” wife. However, I realise now that at that time his new target would have been well and truly pregnant. This probably explains why he wasn’t around at Christmas to support me whilst I recovered in hospital from an internal bleed from an operation. My own daughter had to cook the family Xmas dinner. When he finally did turn up, it comes as no surprise that I kicked him out a few days later in the New Year.
The Disposable Family
I believe psychopaths view their families are utterly disposable. This is a man who had two beautiful, lovely children from his first wife. They are under 10 and still need a father. I assumed he would continue seeing them whether we had had a family or not. However, with the ability to re-invent themselves at the drop of a hat, it comes as no surprise that he has a brand new family. It also doesn’t take rocket science to figure out that it’s only a matter of time before he messes up again. Even worse, and to add insult to injury to his poor first wife, he’s called one of his new children the same name as his son from his previous marriage!
This new woman would not have been able to get my number unless he had searched for it. As I said earlier, I took all phone numbers off my web sites for months. My guess is he’s either already on his way out, and wanted to shift the blame by putting both his current target and myself in a position when if his new partner were to leave him, he could then blame me for “spilling the beans”.
What’s even more interesting was that he would give his poor new, soon to be wife my number. Perhaps it was in order to triangulate and get her all upset. It’s the same as he did to me when he tried to push me to the point where I would tell his own “bitchy” wife that he was having an affair.
Either way, I doubt this woman will contact me again. He’s probably told her the same old sob story about his ex girlfriend being a bitch. He told me his wife was the problem.
Not my responsibility
Despite feeling sorry for his new target, it’s not my responsibility to take on her problems. This man has messed up again. Until he takes responsibility for his own actions, and grows a conscience, it’s only matter of time before he re-invents himself and starts another family all over again.
On a positive note, in January 2013 I celebrate three years being psychopath free. Whilst it’s hurtful to find out that he’s got a new family, I thank my lucky stars daily that I don’t have the legacy of having a family to raise from him to remind me of him.
If I would give anyone any advice after this recent discovery, is that it’s only a matter of time until your ex, or one of their many victims, will turn up again like a bad penny. Whether it’s three months, three years, or 30 years, it’s just one of the many ways in which they try their hardest to remind people (no matter how much you have moved on with your life) they will continue to do their best to remind you they are still there lurking in the background. It may be giving your phone number to new partners, or for whatever reason or making you feel responsible for their new victims. Either way don’t bite, don’t engage and most of all, however hard it is, don’t play detective ever again.
Sky I think that our thinking we can change them is in a way, a form of arrogance…at least it is us thinking we can do something that we obviously can NOT do. Just like if I thought I could fly if I tried hard enough to flap my arms like wings…well, obviously it would be IN ERROR but if I persisted in trying I think it would also be a form of arrogance that I knew better than everyone else who would say “No, Oxy, you can NOT fly no matter how hard you flap your arms” LOL
Also it is NOT our responsibility to fix them. It is NOT our responsibility to do for them what they should do for themselves.
It is our responsibility to take care of things that we ARE responsible for, like for ourselves, our children, etc. but NOT for other adults.
Ox: I completely agree with you.
We are not responsible for their actions nor choices.
Perhaps it was arrogance that made us think we could
‘fix’ them – maybe it was love, which is probably more the
case. At any rate, they are ‘unfixable’ and we must accept
that and find a way to move on in our lives.
“It is our responsibility to take care of things WE are responsible
for, like ourselves, our children, etc., but not for other adults.”
ABSOLUTELY!~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for saying that.
Dupey
I felt responsible for my spath. I once told him, ”your not who I thought you were” he said “we dont always get what we want” kinda like well, you wanted me so here I am, I am yours now so take care of me. sheesh I am so glad that whole ugly episode of disaster is over. I was his only option at the time, thats why he stayed, and I felt sorry for him, thats why I let him stay,,,yeah i was holding onto some hope that things would get better again, again. But it was like that Dolly Parton song “Here we go again, again’
Yea moon dancer, that is exactly right! “here we go again, again” LOL that’s for sure the truth, until we learn about ourselves and why we do what we do, where the chinks in our own armor are, we keep REPEATING the dysfunctional “dance” over and over.
I know I repeated the dysfunctional dance with “friends” and “lovers” and “family” because I didn’t know what the REAL problem was, and that was that I ALLOWED them to walk over me with hobnailed boots and kick me in the shins over and over and over again….when all I had to do was say “NO! I won’t allow you to do that any more. I’m outta here!” Instead, I was too afraid to hurt their feeeeelin’s so I didn’t want them to break a toe when they kicked me, pore babbbbies!
LOL ROTFLMAO now I find that the problem and the solution lies within ME. So now I CAN fix the problem.
Oxy,
I didn’t want to change him, I thought he was perfect the way he was. LOL! His mask was good. It seemed to me that he was some kind of gift and I had to take care of him, just like Moon said.
I was so whacked.
Skylar, the exspath hates women – all women, and men, too. But, his hatred of women is glaring, and I didn’t recognize his views as “hatred.” I just believed that he was ignorant.
I’ve typed this, before, but the exspath considers himself a literary “expert,” as well as a “good writer.” He’s neither, but that’s not the gist of what I wanted to relay regarding his hatred of women.
We were having a discussion, one day, about various authors and I noted his lack of mentioning any female authors, so I asked about this. He said (almost quoting, here), “I’ve never read any female authors. I just don’t think that women have that much to say that’s interesting.” This, of course, was after the nuptials, and I was in the depths of cog/diss. I put this remark away in my mental file and, years later, asked him if he’d ever read “To Kill A Mockingbird” by Harper Lee. I highly recommended it, and he had never read it, so he did. A few days later, he said something along the lines of what an excellent story it was and asked if Harper Lee had written anything else because “he” wrote a fantastic story. I looked at him without any expression and said, “Well, after that Pulitzer piece, SHE didn’t NEED to write another thing.” To say that the exspath’s reaction to Harper Lee being a WOMAN was incredulous would have been a gross understatement. He was dumbfounded, and actually wanted to disbelieve me.
And, I had the SAME issue, Skylar – that this broken, sad, and “mild-mannered” individual somehow needed taking care of was exactly the same. He always, without fail, behaved as if he were utterly helpless except when stepping up and acting responsible somehow benefitted him, only.
Whacked….yepper, I was just as whacked!
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak,
Since spaths lie all the time, I’d venture to say that his remark about women not having anything to say was not intended as an opinion, but rather as a jab to hurt you. He only disguised it as an opinion to give it more “jabbing power”.
I think that the ONLY way to judge a spath is by his/her actions, not by what they say. I doubt he even READ “To Kill a Mockingbird”!! Lol!
They are ridiculously stupid though, even the smart ones. My spath trojan horse BIL is well educated, passed the bar, is pretty good with computers. One day, he and spath sister (the airhead spath) call me. They liked to put me on speaker, so they could both talk and listen to me. Spath BIL says, “We have a new favorite show. It’s called “The Colbert Report”. Have you seen it?”
I said, “Oh yes! I’ve watched it. It’s great. I LOVE that show!”
Spath BIL says, “You DO????”
He couldn’t believe it. Why? Because Stephen Colbert plays a narcissistic right-wing-nut on the show. If it wasn’t a comedy, the guy would be absolutely offensive. But guess what? Spath BIL DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS A COMEDY. This educated spath, thought it was real. LOL!
So I explained to him that it was a parody of a fox news show. Spath BIL said, “nah uh.” I couldn’t quite convince him.
A few days later, I was talking to them again and asked if they had seen the show. He said, “We don’t like that show anymore.”
That’s when I decided to order the “Colbert Nation” tee-shirt.
Anyway, spaths don’t really “get” things the way we do. They miss subtle nuances. That’s why they are bored all the time. They only see the surface of things and that really is a boring way to live.
It’s those hidden, underlying layers of meaning that make life interesting and compelling. Spaths don’t grasp any of that, so they are compelled to create meaning where there is none: in playing games and chasing money. And they want us to do the same so that we validate their shallow, meaningless pursuits as being worthy.
skylar:
OMG! “We don’t like that show anymore.” Too funny!!!! I love it!
I agree 100% spaths do not get things the way we do. They are shallow…EVERYTHING is superficial.
Louise,
I know! Spaths would be an endless source of comical entertainment if they weren’t also so freakin’ scary.
skylar:
Scary and damaging! They destroy everything they touch. 🙁