Two weeks ago I started a series on the treatment of sociopathy/psychopathy. That series was interrupted by the need to discuss the case of the con man who kidnapped his daughter. Now it looks like he also may be implicated in the disappearance of a California couple. The con man, like many in his profession has had a number of different identities. Before I go back to talking about treatment, I want to discuss con artists and the nature of sociopathy/psychopathy again.
Donna and I had the good fortune to speak with Dr. Robert Hare this week. I wanted to talk with him about the fact that there is not much in the scientific literature linking psychopathy to con artistry. In that conversation, he said something very profound that deserves repeating. Since I can’t quote him exactly, I’ll give you the gist of it.
According to Dr. Hare, people saw the movie A Beautiful Mind and they “got it” about schizophrenia. People saw the movie Rain Man and they “got it” about Autism. Thousands of movies have been made about psychopaths/sociopaths and people still don’t “get it.”
We did not go into a detailed analysis of why people don’t “get it” about sociopaths/psychopaths but I will here because until you “get it” about the disorder, you cannot “get it” about treatment for the disorder.
This week I received a letter from a woman who is struggling to “get it.” We receive at least one letter a week that reads like that woman’s so she is not alone. The letter reads something like, “The father of my child is in Jail for assault. He is a pathological liar so I can’t believe anything he says. He also has cheated on me repeatedly. He has conned me out of all my money and now I have to declare bankruptcy. I don’t think he is a sociopath because he has remorse. Is there any hope for him and for us?”
Now if you read these letters as an outsider you get it! But the people who write them are really struggling with what they themselves are saying. They are struggling to make sense out of two conflicting points of view. The first point of view is that there is “good in all people” and that all people need a “family to love.” Just like the many people who say the con man from last week who goes by the alias Rockefeller, “loved” his daughter. People saw him caring for his daughter and assumed love motives. They interacted with him and he was charming and funny. One lady said “He had a lot to offer as a person.” People think that when they interact with someone who is “charming” and “caring” and they then like or feel affection toward the person, the charmer feels likewise. Sadly this is not always the case.
The second point of view is that there are some people who lack love motivation completely or are severely deficient in it. The psychological consequence of not having love motivation is not known by many people. If you understand what happens when love motivation is missing or lacking, you will “get it” about sociopaths/psychopaths. When love motivation is lacking, a person does not stop wanting to be around people! Everyone thinks that just because an individual wants to be around people and seems to enjoy affection, the wanting proves that person is a loving human being. People think that all unloving individuals just want to be alone. That assumption is wrong and is deadly.
In most cases, when love motivation is lacking or missing, the person retains his/her desire for social contact. Since love motivation is not at the root of social desire, something else is. When love motivation is lacking, power or dominance motivation takes its place. Also remember that sexual motivation keeps people social as well.
When con artists take care of people, it is about power motivation. When con artists go to parties and meet people, hob knobbing with the rich and famous, it is about power motivation. When con artists steal $250,000 only to squander the entire sum in 6 months, the theft wasn’t about money it was about the power of the get over.
So, if you look at the situation with the preconceived notion that all people are motivated by the same human motives you can’t possibly “get it.” I challenge you today give up on your preconceived notions about human motivation. Instead come to understand that there are three human social motives, love, power and sex. Thankfully, 90 percent of everybody has a personality organized primarily around love motivation.
The problem is that a sizable percentage of people (perhaps 10-15 per cent) have a personality that is organized around gratifying their need for power rather than their need for love. These people are not loners! They are even more social than loving humans. If you are motivated by the need for love and intimacy, your need can be satisfied by one spouse, other family members and a few friends. If you are motivated primarily by the need for power, then you won’t be satisfied until you rule the world!
Just like the need for love has its associated behaviors, so too does the need for power. Care taking can be part of both motives. The need for power is also accompanied by controlling and aggressive behavior. The degree of control and aggression shown in a relationship is a sign of the amount of power motivation that is behind that relationship.
If you think about it you already know I am right. There is a saying, ”If you love someone set him free. If he comes back to you he’s yours, if not he never was.” A sociopath/psychopath can never set anyone free because he/she can’t love. Sociopaths/psychopaths can only own or possess. Of course a sociopath/psychopath is going to cry when alone or if someone abandons him/her. The sociopath/psychopath just lost all of his/her power. That is very upsetting you know!
Now that I have beat that to death, please understand that love motivation can either be deficient or absent. Therefore power motivation can either be somewhat excessive or the only motivating force in a person’s life. Excessive power motivation makes people emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and physically sick. It also makes them evil.
Thanks for your words of wisdom and as always they are food for thought and inspiration!
Dr Hare is one of my favorite authors! Love his books and hope he will write more on this subject…
The hardest part of my experience is that question!
Did the mother of our children love them?
It sadden me to think she didn’t but here is why I believe she couldn’t…
Whenever we make people into objects (possessions) we dehumanize them. We put them into nice organized boxes so that we can use them and control them when we need too. And when we are done with “that toy” we put them right back into the box were they belong. Also control has it’s own form of “dehumanization”. Like a toy we wind up and allow some freedom. If the toy is good we love it but if it is bad we punish it. Until we are done playing with it and then we again put it in the box then back again on a shelf until we are ready to play with it again. Our toys (object) has no right of their own for they are to serve us for our pleasure and enjoyment. When my ex P chooses to make her children a object for her concerns and needs she dehumanized them and then emotionally detached from them. You see our children (and me as well) had no right to our own autonomy! If we didn’t do all we could for her we became useless object (toys) which allow her to detach from us for disappointing her! Don’t you see how she had the right to throw away all her toys that didn’t work anymore! How she had the right to find new toys that would work for her! That she has a entitlement to be happy and safe. Surly you must see that? You see objects have no rights! Objects have no dreams of their own and objects are never never to fail their owners! For if they “don’t work” what good are they????
I think pride has a lot to do with it. People like to think that they are sharp enough to detect a con artist when they encounter one. They think they can detect a liar. They are sure that they would never get suckered. Not them.
But of course, everyone is vulnerable. Those of us who had personal relationships with sociopaths, and those who study them, know this from bitter experience.
As more and more of us speak out, and as the subject of sociopathy/psychopathy becomes more mainstream, perhaps the public perception will change. Each one of our stories becomes another ray of light.
I know that, before my experience, I took a lot of pride in my intelligence and in my career (which, ironically, called for me to be quite skeptical of what I was told). I still am proud of my intellect and accomplishments, but now I know that my core humanity makes me no match at all for one who chooses to be inhuman.
My opinion is when someone says that they don’t think that their partner is a sociopath/psychopath because the partner show feelings, I think it is in part, due to judgement. I know I was taught to not judge anyone and putting a label on someone is doing just that, judging someone. I was taught that is wrong and if I judge someone, be prepared to be judged back. I hope that makes sense.
I also have wondered in my case, maybe my ex was like that only when he was with me. Maybe I really wasn’t good enough, tall enough, pretty enough. Maybe if I would have been more compassionate. He would tell me his ex-wife was beautiful, gorgeous but at b**** and he would tell me this quite a bit, like I had to mesure up. I am not beautiful, or gorgeous, I have been told I am cute as a button and pretty. No comparison. I am just fine with being cute or pretty.
I have heard him say how much he loved his ex-wife, how he cared deeply for an ex-girlfriend and wanted to get back with her (even tho he stole from her). I have heard how he is happy in his new relationship. But he had called me several times to tell ME that he is miserable. He played mind games with me, but there was still that part of me that wondered if it was me who was the one who was missing something. Yes, I know today that it is wrong. He was the one with the problems.
But, I can see where women can sometimes turn their thinking around and wonder if it is THEM with the problem and not put a label on their man. I believe our thinking gets distorted especially when the P’s DO show us remorse, feelings, and at times compassion. It causes us great confusion. But again, the P’s are great actors and we want to see them as great people that we have fallen in love with.
Whether my ex is a P or not, he was still lethal for me. I was very unhealthy when I was with him. He lied, cheated, stole, conived and ripped me apart and he KNEW he was doing it because it showed on me and he would still come back and continue to do it over and over to the point that at one time I also contemplated “making it all stop”.
Do I judge him today? No, in my opinion, he is a psychopath, he is what he is and I had nothing to do with that. But it took me a long time to get to that point and to stop telling myself that I was soley to blame.
Dr. Leedom,
This is one of the best posts–but then I think I say that EVERY time! LOL
In the thread about how we THINK we can detect a lie from the truth more often than now, we are scientifically shown that that is NOT THE CASE, but it is COMFORTING to me to believe that I CAN detect lies from truth. Because to believe I only have a 50:50 or less chance of detecting lies would leave me feeling vulnerable, and I don’t like to feel vulnerable.
“There’s good in everyone” is a COMFORTING thought, and “I wouldn’t be suckered like that other person who was conned” is also a COMFORTING thought. The nasty articles that were written about Sandra Boss and that she couldn’t possibly have REALLY been fooled, I think is from those people projecting their own fears of being fooled onto her.
How SCARY the world would be if we (humans) couldn’t believe that there is SOME good in everyone if we could only find it and that only the RARE person is totally psychopathic, the serial killer, etc.
I can walk with almost 100% safety from animals in the woods surrounding my home. There may be the occasional poison snake, but if I wear boots I can walk there with absolute confidence that I will not be attacked or killed by some animal predator. I feel safe walking there. I seldom carry a gun when I go into the woods around my home.
If I get into my car and start off down the road, however, my pistol is under my car seat. WHY? Because I am more afraid in my car traveling off my property than I am in the woods alone. Three times my little pistol has saved my life, even witout a shot being fired, because I would have used it to save my life. Am I “paranoid”? I think I am more “cautious” but others might label me “paranoid” and travel freely across the nation without any fear at all, without much if any caution. But my experiences have shown me that I should be CAUTIOUS, that there ARE people who would harm me if conditions were favorable to them.
Maybe it is more comforting to those people who are less cautious than I am (or less paranoid if that is your choice of words) to believe that they are SAFE from human predation no matter where they are (except maybe some “bad neighborhoods” that they avoid). I don’t live in terror, but at the same time, I don’t live in a fantasy land where all people are good at heart.
I have a wonderful friend who believes totally that “all people are good at heart” and I firmly believe that even though this woman has been married to and abused by one P, and recently married another one (though having been warned by her best friend, by me, and others) it is still too SCARY for her to believe that there are people who are truly EVIL. She will always be a victim until she believes the thing she fears so much; that there are truly evil people in this world.
As far as judgement..we use it every day: there’s a dog; there’s a car; there’s a psychopath if we know how to spot them.
Just like orinthologists see more birds than the average joe, doesn’t mean they are imagining them.
What fooled me- was the emotions not representing the emotion. The very point of this essay. Here’s an example: I once thought my psycho was just jealous and scared b/c he acted insane when I spoke to other people.
Well….it was just that I wasn’t cowered by his intimidation not to, that they spoke to me and not only him. He did not desire a better friendship with me. Psycho acted out these emotions I think of as bizarre Picasso paintings ( a huge psycho by the way…read: Life with Picasso)…it’s a face, but the nose is where the ear is, but upside down. Psycho had emotions he just used them arbitrarily and in normal people’s mind misapplied them. But not for him, control, power and sex drove him…so his behavior makes perfect sense.
To “get them” you have to think- as the essay states- their motivator. It ain’t love. In a rage, my psycho said he loved no females. He had two ex-wives and a daughter. He also played word games in notes. This note implies he loves his children only, BUT he has a daughter. So he was- as he wanted me to believe- negating his negative statements (there were more in this psycho treatise extrordinaire) but in reality, in truth, past his grammar games ( think gas lighting) he told the truth. inadvertently ( because recall they project): he loves no one. Same note he said he is not defensive, he on the offense.
A normal person may read …oh he says he’s not defensive…he not over-sensitive…..NO, he said he attacks.
Holywatersalt,
I think we fill in the blank and make excuses based on our life experience and what we think we know about being human.
Like you said, he was acting crazy and you thought he was just jealous and scared. Perhaps that even bonded you to him more because you felt bad for him and maybe a little flattered that he was “jealous and scared” of losing you.
Keep in mind… I am saying this because I filled in the blanks all the time. I had to have some explanation for Bad Man’s behavior so I came up with things that made sense to me. I didn’t even know I was doing it.
We do this all the time in life. We see something and we interpret it based on our experiences so far. That’s why we see so much more now… because we KNOW more about what is possible.
Anyway, I am not singleing you out here. I am resonating with what you said and talking to myself… :o)
all sociopaths play games. i dont know why i continue to think that maybe my x was’nt a sociopath? why i think maybe he might wake up to his mess of himself? maybe me having this thinking is why ive ended up back with him many times. he called today to say hi, and i dont know why i even picked up. he has a history of lying with me. it makes me sick, that he has a car with one girl. he has something else with me.
hope everyone has a good weekend
DEar Blondie,
Getting away from the thinking that they might “be fixable” or that they “might change” is difficult when you talk to them at all. That is why NO CONTACT helps us to get our heads on straight because we are no longer listening to their LIES and letting those lies FUEL OUR HOPES….we realize finally that THERE IS NO HOPE. A liar is a liar is a liar is a psychopath. A psychopath is a liar.
My suggestion is to NO CONTACT HIM…no phone calls. Just don’t pick up. That puts YOU back in control of yourself.
Great, interesting and determined essay, Dr. Leedom..
You are so right on target and succinct in stating that psychos are NOT motivated by love. That’s the message that the general public needs to confront and accept as reality.
It’s such a harsh and bleak reality but it is what it is.
I’ve learned that my gravest mistake in dating men is that I repeatedly project my qualities, my values, my principles onto them. Which is not a very safe and smart thing to do, I know that now.
I’m going to strive to alter that particular life long patterned thinking and seek to see them with eyes of clarity and truth.
I know that this ist the spot to write down what im feeling tonight, but i just need some comfort from everyone on this site, bc i think most people will understand how im feeling. Tonight i went out to a casual dinner nothing serious, with an old guy friend that i do work with but have’nt hung out with alone since being with the ex. i know him very well, he is a great guy. i just wanted to go to dinner and get out of the house. i felt so out of place. so paranoid. it was the first time since my x that ive been out with a guy that wasnt my x. two long months. i know it doest seem like a long time. i felt odd. im not used to being without my x. i felt like someone was going to see me and tell my x. i dont know why i care but i do. is all this normal? ive never felt like this before with any other guy ive ever dated. this relationship has really changed me. all for the better, but i do noticed changes in me. i felt so out of my comfort zone. i guess this is all about adjusting to this new life.