Two weeks ago I started a series on the treatment of sociopathy/psychopathy. That series was interrupted by the need to discuss the case of the con man who kidnapped his daughter. Now it looks like he also may be implicated in the disappearance of a California couple. The con man, like many in his profession has had a number of different identities. Before I go back to talking about treatment, I want to discuss con artists and the nature of sociopathy/psychopathy again.
Donna and I had the good fortune to speak with Dr. Robert Hare this week. I wanted to talk with him about the fact that there is not much in the scientific literature linking psychopathy to con artistry. In that conversation, he said something very profound that deserves repeating. Since I can’t quote him exactly, I’ll give you the gist of it.
According to Dr. Hare, people saw the movie A Beautiful Mind and they “got it” about schizophrenia. People saw the movie Rain Man and they “got it” about Autism. Thousands of movies have been made about psychopaths/sociopaths and people still don’t “get it.”
We did not go into a detailed analysis of why people don’t “get it” about sociopaths/psychopaths but I will here because until you “get it” about the disorder, you cannot “get it” about treatment for the disorder.
This week I received a letter from a woman who is struggling to “get it.” We receive at least one letter a week that reads like that woman’s so she is not alone. The letter reads something like, “The father of my child is in Jail for assault. He is a pathological liar so I can’t believe anything he says. He also has cheated on me repeatedly. He has conned me out of all my money and now I have to declare bankruptcy. I don’t think he is a sociopath because he has remorse. Is there any hope for him and for us?”
Now if you read these letters as an outsider you get it! But the people who write them are really struggling with what they themselves are saying. They are struggling to make sense out of two conflicting points of view. The first point of view is that there is “good in all people” and that all people need a “family to love.” Just like the many people who say the con man from last week who goes by the alias Rockefeller, “loved” his daughter. People saw him caring for his daughter and assumed love motives. They interacted with him and he was charming and funny. One lady said “He had a lot to offer as a person.” People think that when they interact with someone who is “charming” and “caring” and they then like or feel affection toward the person, the charmer feels likewise. Sadly this is not always the case.
The second point of view is that there are some people who lack love motivation completely or are severely deficient in it. The psychological consequence of not having love motivation is not known by many people. If you understand what happens when love motivation is missing or lacking, you will “get it” about sociopaths/psychopaths. When love motivation is lacking, a person does not stop wanting to be around people! Everyone thinks that just because an individual wants to be around people and seems to enjoy affection, the wanting proves that person is a loving human being. People think that all unloving individuals just want to be alone. That assumption is wrong and is deadly.
In most cases, when love motivation is lacking or missing, the person retains his/her desire for social contact. Since love motivation is not at the root of social desire, something else is. When love motivation is lacking, power or dominance motivation takes its place. Also remember that sexual motivation keeps people social as well.
When con artists take care of people, it is about power motivation. When con artists go to parties and meet people, hob knobbing with the rich and famous, it is about power motivation. When con artists steal $250,000 only to squander the entire sum in 6 months, the theft wasn’t about money it was about the power of the get over.
So, if you look at the situation with the preconceived notion that all people are motivated by the same human motives you can’t possibly “get it.” I challenge you today give up on your preconceived notions about human motivation. Instead come to understand that there are three human social motives, love, power and sex. Thankfully, 90 percent of everybody has a personality organized primarily around love motivation.
The problem is that a sizable percentage of people (perhaps 10-15 per cent) have a personality that is organized around gratifying their need for power rather than their need for love. These people are not loners! They are even more social than loving humans. If you are motivated by the need for love and intimacy, your need can be satisfied by one spouse, other family members and a few friends. If you are motivated primarily by the need for power, then you won’t be satisfied until you rule the world!
Just like the need for love has its associated behaviors, so too does the need for power. Care taking can be part of both motives. The need for power is also accompanied by controlling and aggressive behavior. The degree of control and aggression shown in a relationship is a sign of the amount of power motivation that is behind that relationship.
If you think about it you already know I am right. There is a saying, ”If you love someone set him free. If he comes back to you he’s yours, if not he never was.” A sociopath/psychopath can never set anyone free because he/she can’t love. Sociopaths/psychopaths can only own or possess. Of course a sociopath/psychopath is going to cry when alone or if someone abandons him/her. The sociopath/psychopath just lost all of his/her power. That is very upsetting you know!
Now that I have beat that to death, please understand that love motivation can either be deficient or absent. Therefore power motivation can either be somewhat excessive or the only motivating force in a person’s life. Excessive power motivation makes people emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and physically sick. It also makes them evil.
Sweet. Here I was wondering what I was going to do this weekend. Now I have some movies to rent. Thank guys! Have any of you seen “Mr. Brooks”? That had an interesting take on describing a psychopath too. I was actually impressed by Kevin Costner’s performance. He did a good job breaking out of his stereotypical character role.
Oxy, I have to say I was a bit hurt by one of your posts where you compared Lucy from peanuts to a sociopath. Referring to her always taking the football away from Charlie Brown so he’d fall on his butt. My MBTI personality type is compared to Lucy LOL. I know I’m not a sociopath so it’s all good. I’m just playing with you. But that made me laugh. It’s a great analogy.
I actually had my ex do a short version of the MBTI online. Oh how I pity the men I date LOL. Nah, really it was all for fun. Anyhow, his personality type was compared to…drum roll please…Hannibal Lechter! No joke LOL!
Now here’s the kicker (no pun intended). Picture me, Lucy, with him, Hannibal Lechter. Playful brat (yes one of my nicknames is bratchild…meant to be endearing as I love to joke around) vs. serious psychopath. Oh I can’t stop laughing! Everytime Hannibal started to behave badly I would take the football away! I did too. I told him on at least three occassions that I had had enough. But via guilt and pity ploys I would put the football back down again. Too bad he kept behaving badly LOL.
Now I know in reality he hurt me quite badly and punished me for that. But I think of how I drove him crazy because he couldn’t control me in the end. I wouldn’t keep the football down. Instead I’d pick it up and say, “what’s wrong with you?” Confrontational, confident, analytical and playful is definitely me LOL. What the heck was he thinking? I was his worst enemy as much as he was mine.
Do I have the guilt-ridden background common for a child of an N? Yes. That was my downfall. Was I a rescuer? Yes. Comes with the territory. I am a therapist afterall. But who I truly am outside of that so contrasts that persona. I am a very loving AND fun-loving person who’s honest and totally open about my faults. I am far from perfect but I certainly do my best to be my best. I honestly felt that the S resented that. In fact, I know he did. I used to think of him as the biggest buzz-kill sometimes. Pouty, moody and often killing a good time with tears over who-knows-what now. The pity ploys wore me out. He was always seeking attention, always finding something to pout about. Ugh, it was so obnoxious. If he didn’t have my full attention and I was laughing and having a good time he got moody and fast! Oh do I have stories.
Yes, we had good times too and that illusion is what I clung too. That and how wonderful he made me feel when he did pay me any attention. But initially I didn’t need his attention to be happy. I always said you could put me in a straightjacket and lock me in a padded cell and I could entertain myself for days LOL. Am I suprised to be diagnosed with ADHD? LOL Hyperactive for me is primarily being goofy and silly and as unfocused as one can get! Like feeding caffeine to a child!
It took me months to figure out how he sucked that joy out of me and how I became dependent on him for that. He’s a busy guy who always had some fun, recreational thing planned for us to do. It was great. But only as long as we were busy. Downtime was like spending time alone only there was someone else in the room. He was an empty shell if he didn’t have something to do. There’s was an obvious disconnect interpersonally.
Wow, I’m so glad to be remembering all this. Ns are very envious and jealous people. My instinct of him being a buzz-kill was more accurate than I gave myself credit for. I used to feel so badly thinking I was mean to feel that way. He was the poor depressed widower afterall. Ahem, more like to passive-aggressive, overgrown child who got homicidal because he couldn’t be the center of attention 24/7. Grow up Hannibal!
@....... Oxy
I agree completely with you about depression and medication. The medication I was on certainly helped me when I needed it.
One caveat though…discontinuation from antidepression medication can be very, very bad. I’ve been off mine six weeks now and I’m still not completely recovered. The first two to three weeks were so bad I hardly worked during that time and was horribly ill 24 hours a day…piercing headaches, brain zaps, constant nausea, itching and restlessness, thoughts of suicide, dizziness. It was a nightmare.
Anyone discontinuing powerful antidepressents such as Cymbalta and Paxil need to do so slowly, carefully and under the supervision of their physician. Even though my meds were tapered off with my doctor’s approval I was still horribly ill.
Dear Odette, Yes, they do need to be discontinued SLOWLY, and I have tapered mine off (VERY SLOWLY) to about half of the massive doses I was on at first. It took a while to accommplish the taper too.
I think I was somewhat depressive even before the plane crash, as I seemed to get irritable during the winter months, when I worked inside a windowless clinic and had NO outside sunshine. During one winter we had 31 days in a row that there was NO SUN, only gloom (not the usual case where I live) and by the end of the 31 days I was very DEPRESSED, so after that I started taking a tiny dose of my medication during DEcember to March, and it helped a great deal. I didn’t seem to need it the rest of the year.
If I do need to stay on the medication for the rest of my life, that’s okay too. I am pretty balanced now mood wise and if taking the meds is what I need to do to keep it that way, that’s okay.
Dear Takingmeback/”Lucy,”
LOL I’m also ADHD to some extent, and my oldest son (not the P-son) is also ADHD, my P-father was also probably ADHD, but all of us have no problem with learning, though my P-bio father left school before he was 12 and educated himself and became a nationally recognized “expert” in two fields, one was aviation, the other was for his engineering expertise. He was also quite good in several other fields, very intelligent.
The odd thing about my P-fio father, myself and my son C (the ADHD one) is that our ADHD (my son’s and mine) doesn’t keep us from focusing on some aspects of things. My son is a machinist and an excellent one, which requires GREAT focus and attention to detail, I used my hyperactivity to multi-task “big time” up until the airplane crash that killed my husband, and after that I have great difficulty staying on task, so now I “single task” and it takes more concentration to be able to do so. At the height of my PTSD I couldn’t remember enough numbers to write down a phone number, and prior to that, you could give me a verbal string of 100 numbers and I could repeat them back to you, forward, backward, skip every third one, or whatever you asked me to do. I had a GREAT short term memory, but now, my STM is the PITS. It has improved a great deal, but still not up to multitasking and I am easily distracted, misplace things, forget things, etc. My Psyc Doc even put me on small doses of Ritilin for a while, but I couldn’t tell it helped much so I discontinued it. I was actually even worried about my cognitive function being intact, but an IQ test administered by my therapist showed that I actually scored one point higher than ever before (I know that’s not enough to be statisticly significiant) and that at least reassured me that I wasn’t “losing it” cognitively (which REALLY was a worry to me) I’ve always depended on my brain to get me out of a situation, or to function with, and the worry about it “not working” right was a big stresser.
Dr. Leedom’s findings that Psychopathic/Narcissistic PDs go along with ADHD is interesting to me, especially since I have a son who is very ADHD, but NOT psychopathic and I ahve a son who is EXTREMELY PATIENT and absolutely not displays any signs of ADHD and he is the PSYCHOPATH. I would not doubt though that there are some connections geneticly, as well as the fact that the child who is ADHD is “freqently in trouble” because of his ADHD and gets a lot of negative feed back.
I had an ADHD parent tell me once, “What do you expect out of him, he’s ADHD” and my reply to her was “I expect that he NOT THROW A SCHOOL DESK AT HIS TEACHER’S HEAD.” Even though my son C was very ADHD, I expected that he behave himself and that he not be violent with other children or anyone else, and not use his ADHD as a crutch to give him a pass for bad behavior. He developed a conscience early on, and as he matured started to control his own behavior and to self monitor his behavior. He became a man that I am proud to call “son.” (but I will admit he was a “challenge” to raise! Kept me on my toes!) He was never a manipulative person and I have never seen him do a single thing to deliberately hurt anyone or any thing. He has a tremendous amount of empathy and compassion.
My (apparently) “perfect child” (that is until puberty when he grew horns and a forked tail of a psychopath) was a joy to raise. He was obedient, reliable, focused, eager to please, and responded so well to positive feed back that I very seldom had to correct him in any way. He was the delight of everyone who was around him—then PRESTO/CHANGE-O he became Hannibal! Go figure.
I have seen young ADHD kids though (10 or 11) in inpatient settings that were also “budding psychopaths” and were already so dangerous that their parents couldn’t go to sleep at night without fear that the kids would burn the house down on top of their heads. Malicious wretches that were scary as hell. I can’t even imagine how their parents must have grieved over these chldren at that age, hoping against hope that the mental health community could “fix” their children before “it was too late.” These children ENJOYED inflicting pain on anyone. It is sad. Sad, SAD. Dr. Leedom may have known some that were “helped” but I never saw even one. They were “frequent flyers” in the inpatient setting until they went to jail.
From upthread a bit, about movies:
Has anyone ever noticed that many romantic comedies feed the myth that made us susceptible to the psychos? The men are n’er-do’wells, rakes and liars, but the love of a good woman (our heroine, ourselves) turns him into a loving, caring mate that every woman would want. It’s just insidious, and does so much harm to young women who don’t even realize they are being conditioned to believe that liars and bed-hoppers can be “tamed,” or that these types of men can truly fall in love.
Watch “Wedding Crashers” and tell me that isn’t a primer for budding sociopaths on how to lie to women. It’s a sport to them. Ah, but in the end, they find “love” with their “ideal women.” If that particular movie followed real life, it would show the women five years down the road, broke, alone, abandoned, confused and picking up at book by Martha Stout or Lundy Bancroft to begin the long process of putting herself back together.
Romantic comedies are some of my pet peeves, post-psycho.
GREAT POINT, Tood~!!!
I was on Zoloft for 2 months, I think it helped mostly with the anxiety. I stopped a week ago, I didn’t like the numbness in my brain. I have been seeing a therapist off and on, she is sweet but not really any help at all. Today I will go see a physciatrist for the first time ever. I almost cancelled that appt. I have recieved excellent councelling here. I am improving, not suffering like I was. I just can’t get him out of my head, and he has been gone 4 month’s. I want a shot or one pill that will remove the memory of him. I know i am trying to let go of “my” illusion. Obviously I have some love addiction issue’s. But I kept my illusion to myself for 20 plus year’s. I want to get that out of my head also. I don’t want to live my life longing for my fantasy, I have to let go of that. I have so much to live for. I want to stop looking for love, that intense (you complete me love). It’s a big dissapointment to me, that I have it all wrong. Maybe sociopath’s have it all figured out, no conscience, no empathy, no remorse no pain no tears….
Taking me back, If you are looking for some good movies for this weekend, please look for REDDIRT it is a tag purvis film. http://www.reddirt.com funny I used to look forward to weekends, now I dread them…
Tood, absolutely.
Society starts preprogramming at a young age. Songs like, “Stand by your man.” And if you’re not careful, religion too with subservience, obey, the “head” of the household. But subservience doesn’t enslave, it enhances–my ah haa moment for me!! I’ve redefined my concept of what the love of a “good” woman is and what it can but more importantly can’t and shouldn’t do.
Out of Africa is my favorite weekend movie. . . Benz
I have been on antidepressants before. More than one kind and when I was on them, didn’t matter what kind or brand, I was in more “trouble” than when I was not taking them. For me personally, I do not want to be a guinea pig for new drugs that may or may not work. Each person reacts differently and no one knows how a person will react until AFTER the fact whether it be good or bad. I believe that alot of people have had sucess taking them, they just are not for me.