Two weeks ago I started a series on the treatment of sociopathy/psychopathy. That series was interrupted by the need to discuss the case of the con man who kidnapped his daughter. Now it looks like he also may be implicated in the disappearance of a California couple. The con man, like many in his profession has had a number of different identities. Before I go back to talking about treatment, I want to discuss con artists and the nature of sociopathy/psychopathy again.
Donna and I had the good fortune to speak with Dr. Robert Hare this week. I wanted to talk with him about the fact that there is not much in the scientific literature linking psychopathy to con artistry. In that conversation, he said something very profound that deserves repeating. Since I can’t quote him exactly, I’ll give you the gist of it.
According to Dr. Hare, people saw the movie A Beautiful Mind and they “got it” about schizophrenia. People saw the movie Rain Man and they “got it” about Autism. Thousands of movies have been made about psychopaths/sociopaths and people still don’t “get it.”
We did not go into a detailed analysis of why people don’t “get it” about sociopaths/psychopaths but I will here because until you “get it” about the disorder, you cannot “get it” about treatment for the disorder.
This week I received a letter from a woman who is struggling to “get it.” We receive at least one letter a week that reads like that woman’s so she is not alone. The letter reads something like, “The father of my child is in Jail for assault. He is a pathological liar so I can’t believe anything he says. He also has cheated on me repeatedly. He has conned me out of all my money and now I have to declare bankruptcy. I don’t think he is a sociopath because he has remorse. Is there any hope for him and for us?”
Now if you read these letters as an outsider you get it! But the people who write them are really struggling with what they themselves are saying. They are struggling to make sense out of two conflicting points of view. The first point of view is that there is “good in all people” and that all people need a “family to love.” Just like the many people who say the con man from last week who goes by the alias Rockefeller, “loved” his daughter. People saw him caring for his daughter and assumed love motives. They interacted with him and he was charming and funny. One lady said “He had a lot to offer as a person.” People think that when they interact with someone who is “charming” and “caring” and they then like or feel affection toward the person, the charmer feels likewise. Sadly this is not always the case.
The second point of view is that there are some people who lack love motivation completely or are severely deficient in it. The psychological consequence of not having love motivation is not known by many people. If you understand what happens when love motivation is missing or lacking, you will “get it” about sociopaths/psychopaths. When love motivation is lacking, a person does not stop wanting to be around people! Everyone thinks that just because an individual wants to be around people and seems to enjoy affection, the wanting proves that person is a loving human being. People think that all unloving individuals just want to be alone. That assumption is wrong and is deadly.
In most cases, when love motivation is lacking or missing, the person retains his/her desire for social contact. Since love motivation is not at the root of social desire, something else is. When love motivation is lacking, power or dominance motivation takes its place. Also remember that sexual motivation keeps people social as well.
When con artists take care of people, it is about power motivation. When con artists go to parties and meet people, hob knobbing with the rich and famous, it is about power motivation. When con artists steal $250,000 only to squander the entire sum in 6 months, the theft wasn’t about money it was about the power of the get over.
So, if you look at the situation with the preconceived notion that all people are motivated by the same human motives you can’t possibly “get it.” I challenge you today give up on your preconceived notions about human motivation. Instead come to understand that there are three human social motives, love, power and sex. Thankfully, 90 percent of everybody has a personality organized primarily around love motivation.
The problem is that a sizable percentage of people (perhaps 10-15 per cent) have a personality that is organized around gratifying their need for power rather than their need for love. These people are not loners! They are even more social than loving humans. If you are motivated by the need for love and intimacy, your need can be satisfied by one spouse, other family members and a few friends. If you are motivated primarily by the need for power, then you won’t be satisfied until you rule the world!
Just like the need for love has its associated behaviors, so too does the need for power. Care taking can be part of both motives. The need for power is also accompanied by controlling and aggressive behavior. The degree of control and aggression shown in a relationship is a sign of the amount of power motivation that is behind that relationship.
If you think about it you already know I am right. There is a saying, ”If you love someone set him free. If he comes back to you he’s yours, if not he never was.” A sociopath/psychopath can never set anyone free because he/she can’t love. Sociopaths/psychopaths can only own or possess. Of course a sociopath/psychopath is going to cry when alone or if someone abandons him/her. The sociopath/psychopath just lost all of his/her power. That is very upsetting you know!
Now that I have beat that to death, please understand that love motivation can either be deficient or absent. Therefore power motivation can either be somewhat excessive or the only motivating force in a person’s life. Excessive power motivation makes people emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and physically sick. It also makes them evil.
Dear Benz,
Out of Africa is great, I have read the book too.
It’s odd but some of the most “interesting” people I have ever met (quite a few in Africa) were great adventurers and probably psychopaths as well. They were like rolling stones and never gathered any “moss” in the form of love relationships, but they would have long-term associations (I’m not sure you could call them friendships) with others of their kind.
Some, like Sir Laurens van der Post (I never met him but know his daughter and several of his very close friends) acheive great fame, wealth, etc. and become icons, while having troubled relationship issues with their “loved ones” by neglect, if not outright abuse. Others like Ian Player, the brother of Golfer Gary Player, are absolutely the best human beings, have wonderful relationships, great hearts and empathy the size of the Indian Ocean. Strange to me. How a man with 100% honesty and one without any empathy can be “friends”—though I think, my own personal opinion, is that Laurens was more an N in the mid-zone than a full fledged P, and as far as I know he was never a thief, but he sure set his own set of “rules” that didn’t apply to the rest of humanity in his opinion.
His first biography, though written from the position of some malice by the author upset Sir Lauren’s family, who focused more on the petty malice in the book than on the RELEVENT isues pertaining to his character–such as impregnating the 15 yr old “ward.” Deserting his wife and children without so much as a letter saying “Oh, by the way darling, I’m out of here.”
In spite of all these things, these character flaws pointing (to me at least) to N-hood, he did some great things and was a genuine hero in WWII though in his books he played up his role a bit grander than it actually was, none-the-less, when you are willing to take a caning IN SOMEONE ELSE’S PLACE from a Japanese guard that frequently beat prisoners to death and was known for burying them alive up to their neck in the hot Javanese sun until they died in 2 or 3 days, you must admit he was a REAL hero. Or at least he played that role well.
I was asked by Dr. Player to counsel Sir Lauren’s daughter to help her recover from the bitterness about her father, since Dr. Player had known my P-bio father well and thought that I might be able to help her come to peace with her own famous father. She is a lovely and successful woman and I hope I did help her overcome some of the bitterness. I do know it is a difficult job having a father like that. At least hers was more socially acceptable than mine.
these sociopaths really changed you life. my stole my lifestyle. im having such a hard time filling that void of him that was there. i feel like i reach out to people but i dont get much of a response. i was always with him. we where always doing something. i need to start living my life, but i have no one to hang with. all i want is for one person to call me and say hey, do you want to go……. im havin such a hard time with this change in my life.
Blondie. As a woman who has spent a fair amounts of time out of a relationship, the places where I meet friends are; at work, social groups, parties, through other people, interest groups. I also go places on my own and meet people. Do you have some hobbies, interests, things you like doing? I think it is good to have one’s own life, even if in relationship, good luck Blondie
Blondie _ Sweet heart sit down, we are going to talk. Locking ourselve’s in and being alone is our comfort zone. We were trained and conditioned to do this. Nobody is going to come rescue us. Nobody is feeling your pain, my pain, our pain. You and I are rescuer’s and fixer’s of everybody else. What is it about your X that you miss? Not him – but what did he do that you miss so much? He filled a big void, he took away your lonliness. And you settled for his lie’s and abuse because that is what we have always done. Blondie we are lonely, we want someone to nurture, we want someone to love. We want to fill that void. I was and am a good father. I never took a back seat when it came to my son’s. I nurtured them, I love them. They are grown men now. I have that empty nest thing going on. And when (M) came into my life he was like a little boy that needed to be nurtured. And for me it was like being in the desert for 20 year’s and finding water. Ain’t a damn thing wrong with being who I am. And my experience with (M) has awakened those feelings of love and nurturing. It has made me face the reality that yes I am lonely and yes I want to nurture and be a part of someone special. Blondie the sad truth about our X’s is they would just as soon kill us as look at us. And they can’t be fixed, even if they did it would be like pissing on a forest fire. There is someone out there for us. Might take a long time to find him. But in the mean time we have been given an opportunity to fix ourselve’s. We attract the wrong guy’s. Don’t give up on love. Love yourself first and Blondie, only you can put yourself out there to find good people. They are not waiting on you to call or knock on a door. We have to live – participate in life – be a part of it ——–
i cryed today for the first time in a few weeks. its good to cry. i dont cry that i miss him, i cry bc he was my social network. he was my one person to hang out with all the time. i really am lonley. today just happens to be one of my bad days. the weekends are when i have a hard time. i have work friends, i have a few friends from the past. but it just seems like everyone doest really want to be around me, or do anything with me. im just not apart of anyones life. god has a reason for this and i put my trust into him. and henry i dont give up on love, even though all of this, i still believe in marriage and love. im just at all ready to be with someone else. i want to be whole again before i date again. i want my life in orded.
that is what we are doing, gettin things sorted out. But does’t mean we have to hide out alone. Think of something to do that will motivate you to step out there…crying is good…. just buy a big pair of sunglasses and let it flow…
Henry, you are so sweet and such a gentleman. I really do believe that one day, when the time is right (maybe not RIGHT NOW) you will find a kind and sweet gentleman just like yourself. Look at how great you are with other people. Makes me smile.
Blondie, Yes, weekends are the worst time for me too. I called into a friend a few weeks ago (I hadnt seen her for 4 years). Anyway, she invited me back last weekend for her party and I did the music for it, but I also met lots of interesting people. This weekend I invited a bloke from work over to listen to some music. Summer is a good time to get out, but you have to make the first step.
Hi Perky Awh shuck’s thank you. Sometime’s I feel like Dr. Henry and believe me I am preaching to myself most of the time. Glad I made you smile…….I just came in from the yard and I have skeeter bite’s all over me.
Bev I love some of your saying’s and words if i called someone a bloke here in Oklahoma I might get punched in the nose lol