Two weeks ago I started a series on the treatment of sociopathy/psychopathy. That series was interrupted by the need to discuss the case of the con man who kidnapped his daughter. Now it looks like he also may be implicated in the disappearance of a California couple. The con man, like many in his profession has had a number of different identities. Before I go back to talking about treatment, I want to discuss con artists and the nature of sociopathy/psychopathy again.
Donna and I had the good fortune to speak with Dr. Robert Hare this week. I wanted to talk with him about the fact that there is not much in the scientific literature linking psychopathy to con artistry. In that conversation, he said something very profound that deserves repeating. Since I can’t quote him exactly, I’ll give you the gist of it.
According to Dr. Hare, people saw the movie A Beautiful Mind and they “got it” about schizophrenia. People saw the movie Rain Man and they “got it” about Autism. Thousands of movies have been made about psychopaths/sociopaths and people still don’t “get it.”
We did not go into a detailed analysis of why people don’t “get it” about sociopaths/psychopaths but I will here because until you “get it” about the disorder, you cannot “get it” about treatment for the disorder.
This week I received a letter from a woman who is struggling to “get it.” We receive at least one letter a week that reads like that woman’s so she is not alone. The letter reads something like, “The father of my child is in Jail for assault. He is a pathological liar so I can’t believe anything he says. He also has cheated on me repeatedly. He has conned me out of all my money and now I have to declare bankruptcy. I don’t think he is a sociopath because he has remorse. Is there any hope for him and for us?”
Now if you read these letters as an outsider you get it! But the people who write them are really struggling with what they themselves are saying. They are struggling to make sense out of two conflicting points of view. The first point of view is that there is “good in all people” and that all people need a “family to love.” Just like the many people who say the con man from last week who goes by the alias Rockefeller, “loved” his daughter. People saw him caring for his daughter and assumed love motives. They interacted with him and he was charming and funny. One lady said “He had a lot to offer as a person.” People think that when they interact with someone who is “charming” and “caring” and they then like or feel affection toward the person, the charmer feels likewise. Sadly this is not always the case.
The second point of view is that there are some people who lack love motivation completely or are severely deficient in it. The psychological consequence of not having love motivation is not known by many people. If you understand what happens when love motivation is missing or lacking, you will “get it” about sociopaths/psychopaths. When love motivation is lacking, a person does not stop wanting to be around people! Everyone thinks that just because an individual wants to be around people and seems to enjoy affection, the wanting proves that person is a loving human being. People think that all unloving individuals just want to be alone. That assumption is wrong and is deadly.
In most cases, when love motivation is lacking or missing, the person retains his/her desire for social contact. Since love motivation is not at the root of social desire, something else is. When love motivation is lacking, power or dominance motivation takes its place. Also remember that sexual motivation keeps people social as well.
When con artists take care of people, it is about power motivation. When con artists go to parties and meet people, hob knobbing with the rich and famous, it is about power motivation. When con artists steal $250,000 only to squander the entire sum in 6 months, the theft wasn’t about money it was about the power of the get over.
So, if you look at the situation with the preconceived notion that all people are motivated by the same human motives you can’t possibly “get it.” I challenge you today give up on your preconceived notions about human motivation. Instead come to understand that there are three human social motives, love, power and sex. Thankfully, 90 percent of everybody has a personality organized primarily around love motivation.
The problem is that a sizable percentage of people (perhaps 10-15 per cent) have a personality that is organized around gratifying their need for power rather than their need for love. These people are not loners! They are even more social than loving humans. If you are motivated by the need for love and intimacy, your need can be satisfied by one spouse, other family members and a few friends. If you are motivated primarily by the need for power, then you won’t be satisfied until you rule the world!
Just like the need for love has its associated behaviors, so too does the need for power. Care taking can be part of both motives. The need for power is also accompanied by controlling and aggressive behavior. The degree of control and aggression shown in a relationship is a sign of the amount of power motivation that is behind that relationship.
If you think about it you already know I am right. There is a saying, ”If you love someone set him free. If he comes back to you he’s yours, if not he never was.” A sociopath/psychopath can never set anyone free because he/she can’t love. Sociopaths/psychopaths can only own or possess. Of course a sociopath/psychopath is going to cry when alone or if someone abandons him/her. The sociopath/psychopath just lost all of his/her power. That is very upsetting you know!
Now that I have beat that to death, please understand that love motivation can either be deficient or absent. Therefore power motivation can either be somewhat excessive or the only motivating force in a person’s life. Excessive power motivation makes people emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and physically sick. It also makes them evil.
Ha Ha Henry. How funny is that. Ive a wicked sense of humour and its all come back!! Yikes.
Henry as Oxy said, you sound so much more boyant or shall I say bouyant!!?? ((Hugs))
Henry – Im soooooo glad you came back. When you said Goodbye there were people queuing up to encourage you to stay. You have alot of friends on here.
Dear Henry,
HOWDY, BLOKE! LOL yes, Henry the 8th you are you are, we are glad you are back, we are we are, and I am Iam green eggs and Ham! LOL
Blondie, I agree with Henry ad Bev, get out and go some where–by yourself. Take a walk, listen to music, do something!!!! Sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself ALL the time isn’t healthy. Go to some charity group and volunteer some time, clean out dog kennels at the pound or the zoo, read to kids at the library, call up your favorite political party and offer your services, take a class, learn a new language, take a class in some skill at an arts center, learn to weave baskets under water, take up sky diving, but GET SOMETHING GOING—and the best part of that is that you will MEET PEOPLE.
Put on a “pretty face” even if you feel sad, fake it til you make it! Henry is right people are not going to walk down your street, stop at your door and say to themselves, “I wonder if a lonely person lives behind that door, I think I’ll just knock and see.” GET OUT and mix with people. Of any ages, just get some contacts! I think you will find that getting out, getting some exercise, and doing something new or different will chirp you up. You may not find a “life long best friend” the first day, but you won’t find anyone behind your door but you! ((((huggles)))
beverly Thanks — I might someday chunk my puter in the pond but never fear Henry aint going away–my son just lives four mile’s from here and he has the internet. Yes I am feeling and doing better. I had a really good session with a physciatrist today. I know I misspelled that but oh well. Any way he deffinatley (got it) and I shared some of my wisdon with Blondie just a little while ago. I asked the doc if these people could be helped and he laughed and said yes but it would be like pissin on a forest fire. After talkin to him almost 2 hour’s he brought so much to light for me. He asked how involved I had been in my son’s live’s and raising them. Well I was always there, they were and are my life. I even had custody of my youngest son. He said I was looking to fill that empty nest and when M came into the picture it was like I found another child to nurture and raise. He asked me what was it about M that had such a hold on me? What is it about him I miss. Well yeah Duh—And he said was nothing wrong with being like that, just dont fall prey to predator’s. And he said M was definatly a cluster B wich I really needed that confirmation. And the doc said (They could just as easily kill you as look at you) and he was impressed with how I have self educated myself about (HIM). I said I had the help of my friend’s at love fraud. I know this is all jumbled up but I feel confirmation in my own education and diagnosis of M. I talked to him about my mom (N) my sister’s suicide, my father’s abuse. Well he got an ear full and he said I had to stop hiding my past and deal with it. I told him my regular therapist just wasnt helping me. He said well tell her!!!! Dont continue to see her just to keep from hurting her fillings!!! anyway you didnt ask for all that did ya? thanks bev HUGS
Henry, thanks for the movie tip. I will definitely check it out. It sounds deep. That’s right up my alley. I like deep or dementedly, stupid, silly. I am a dichotomy unto myself!
Sounds like you had a good visit with the doc today. I’m glad you walked away feeling validated. I agree with him that you should tell your therapist about how you feel. Please do. I know I want my clients to tell me if they don’t find it helpful. It’s nothing personal. Sometimes it’s a matter of direction, sometimes it’s a matter of rapport. Not all therapists are the same. Besides, can you think of a safer place to practice being assertive and speaking up about your needs? The process of therapy is about you. Not her. It’s a service. If you go into a restaurant and the waitress brings you the wrong order do you say something or do you remain quiet and eat it anyways? If the doctor accidentally gives you the wrong medication do you tell him or do you take it and end up sicker in the end?
I have really enjoyed reading your posts. I do wish you’d listen to yourself. You are right on Henry! Let me repeat…you are right on Henry! Get up, get out, live life. In order to replace those icky thoughts and memories you need new ones. You need people…safe people to spend time with. But remember, wherever you are in recovery is where you need to be. No need to fake it or pretend for anyone. No need to rush it. Be yourself. You will find you again amongst others. You will begin to define who Henry is again apart from M. Give it time.
At 4 months I was frantically looking for the emergency shut off switch to my brain! I had to force myself out of the house. I also had to listen to myself and be alone when I truly needed to be. Zone out on a favorite “safe” movie, remove all reminders of the S, journal every feeling until my story began to resemble that of a victor not a victim. Sleep when I wanted, eat what I wanted, etc. This is not a time to be judging yourself at all. Please do what you need to do for you. Just Be dearest Henry. Just be.
P.S. The only person that needs to fill that empty nest void is you. Humorous, witty, intelligent and loving… you.
Blondie, sometimes when we feel down we start to attribute to others what we’re feeling inside. Just some food for thought. Trauma makes us feel isolated from others for various reasons. We sort of close up to protect ourselves. Fold into ourselves. I know I felt disconnected from others for a long time and looked at them as if they didn’t want anything to do with me. When I started opening up and reaching out I experienced a whole different story. I know it sounds cliche, but it does take time.
Those who love you, love you for who you are. Be it sad Blondie, hurting Blondie, or happy Blondie. Weekends were tough for me for a good stretch too until I started making plans and forcing myself back out into the world. Little by little though. I sought out safe people and safe places. Shopping was a nightmare for a time. So was sitting in a restaurant with family eating lunch. But in time, the more I did it the easier it got.
Lots of happy thoughts heading your way Blondie 🙂
Henry lol.. pissin on a forest fire.. I want a southern psychiatrist.
I couldn’t give mine up though, he is the big brother I never had. He is full of (northern) sarcasm and knows if he can get me laughing the battle is half won. Last time I saw him I was telling him how I have been suicidal for many years, but learned a bunch of “safety measures” to make sure I didn’t go very far down that path. He said, “Either that, or you’re one hell of a procrastinator” lol I love my Brucie
Liane, In my world before the sociopath, I did not believe evil existed. I’d read Scott Peck’s, People of the Lie, and still clung to my belief — we are all good at the core. It is what we do that can be evil.
The sociopath awoke me to the truth.
I needed to cling to my belief because I was frightened of the truth. What if there is evil in this world simply because some people are evil-based, as you say, motivated by power and control, not by love. How could I make sense of my world? I told myself I couldn’t make sense of such chaos and stuck my head in the sand to avoid having to deal with the contradictions.
The sociopath used to say to me, “You are so naive. You don’t believe in evil. There is — and I will protect you from it.” He had it right — about me — I had it wrong about him. He couldn’t protect me from himself — and I was too naive to accept the truth.
Post sociopath, I acknowledge evil exists. I acknowledge there are people motivated by power and control, for whom the ‘get’ is everything. In acknowledging evil exists, I no longer fear evil. In opening my eyes, I walk without fear that I will be conned. I may be conned again. The difference is, I will stand up for my values, beliefs, principles — so that the con does not take me down. I may be conned again, but I will not be fooled into believing the con is all I’m worth.
Great article Liane. Thanks.
ML
M.L. Gallagher, well said. I feel this experience, as traumatic as it’s been, has been an eye-opener. Evil does exist and in seeing it up-close and personal we can’t deny it. The scariest part for me was feeling it. Like an all-pervasive entity that enveloped my whole world.
Surviving through such encounters may make us feel vulnerable and afraid for a time. But in the long-run as we see ourselves grow stronger, as we separate ourselves from those who walk in that darkness, we no longer cling to that fear as intensely. We walk in the truth, knowing evil exists and live wiser for the wear. Yes, we may be conned again and I was again not long after the S was gone. But I stood up for what I know to be just and true and it didn’t take me down. I saw it, dealt with it faster and walked away without any damage to my heart, my self-esteem or my life. In fact, I felt like the victor and out of sight was out of mind. It becomes a matter of being able to see the evil in them and not taking it personally. We know who we are and never again will I allow someone else to define me for myself.
Thanks for your post. It really put it all in a great perspective.
Kat, I want to meet your therapist. He sounds awesome! What a great sense of humor 🙂