Two weeks ago I started a series on the treatment of sociopathy/psychopathy. That series was interrupted by the need to discuss the case of the con man who kidnapped his daughter. Now it looks like he also may be implicated in the disappearance of a California couple. The con man, like many in his profession has had a number of different identities. Before I go back to talking about treatment, I want to discuss con artists and the nature of sociopathy/psychopathy again.
Donna and I had the good fortune to speak with Dr. Robert Hare this week. I wanted to talk with him about the fact that there is not much in the scientific literature linking psychopathy to con artistry. In that conversation, he said something very profound that deserves repeating. Since I can’t quote him exactly, I’ll give you the gist of it.
According to Dr. Hare, people saw the movie A Beautiful Mind and they “got it” about schizophrenia. People saw the movie Rain Man and they “got it” about Autism. Thousands of movies have been made about psychopaths/sociopaths and people still don’t “get it.”
We did not go into a detailed analysis of why people don’t “get it” about sociopaths/psychopaths but I will here because until you “get it” about the disorder, you cannot “get it” about treatment for the disorder.
This week I received a letter from a woman who is struggling to “get it.” We receive at least one letter a week that reads like that woman’s so she is not alone. The letter reads something like, “The father of my child is in Jail for assault. He is a pathological liar so I can’t believe anything he says. He also has cheated on me repeatedly. He has conned me out of all my money and now I have to declare bankruptcy. I don’t think he is a sociopath because he has remorse. Is there any hope for him and for us?”
Now if you read these letters as an outsider you get it! But the people who write them are really struggling with what they themselves are saying. They are struggling to make sense out of two conflicting points of view. The first point of view is that there is “good in all people” and that all people need a “family to love.” Just like the many people who say the con man from last week who goes by the alias Rockefeller, “loved” his daughter. People saw him caring for his daughter and assumed love motives. They interacted with him and he was charming and funny. One lady said “He had a lot to offer as a person.” People think that when they interact with someone who is “charming” and “caring” and they then like or feel affection toward the person, the charmer feels likewise. Sadly this is not always the case.
The second point of view is that there are some people who lack love motivation completely or are severely deficient in it. The psychological consequence of not having love motivation is not known by many people. If you understand what happens when love motivation is missing or lacking, you will “get it” about sociopaths/psychopaths. When love motivation is lacking, a person does not stop wanting to be around people! Everyone thinks that just because an individual wants to be around people and seems to enjoy affection, the wanting proves that person is a loving human being. People think that all unloving individuals just want to be alone. That assumption is wrong and is deadly.
In most cases, when love motivation is lacking or missing, the person retains his/her desire for social contact. Since love motivation is not at the root of social desire, something else is. When love motivation is lacking, power or dominance motivation takes its place. Also remember that sexual motivation keeps people social as well.
When con artists take care of people, it is about power motivation. When con artists go to parties and meet people, hob knobbing with the rich and famous, it is about power motivation. When con artists steal $250,000 only to squander the entire sum in 6 months, the theft wasn’t about money it was about the power of the get over.
So, if you look at the situation with the preconceived notion that all people are motivated by the same human motives you can’t possibly “get it.” I challenge you today give up on your preconceived notions about human motivation. Instead come to understand that there are three human social motives, love, power and sex. Thankfully, 90 percent of everybody has a personality organized primarily around love motivation.
The problem is that a sizable percentage of people (perhaps 10-15 per cent) have a personality that is organized around gratifying their need for power rather than their need for love. These people are not loners! They are even more social than loving humans. If you are motivated by the need for love and intimacy, your need can be satisfied by one spouse, other family members and a few friends. If you are motivated primarily by the need for power, then you won’t be satisfied until you rule the world!
Just like the need for love has its associated behaviors, so too does the need for power. Care taking can be part of both motives. The need for power is also accompanied by controlling and aggressive behavior. The degree of control and aggression shown in a relationship is a sign of the amount of power motivation that is behind that relationship.
If you think about it you already know I am right. There is a saying, ”If you love someone set him free. If he comes back to you he’s yours, if not he never was.” A sociopath/psychopath can never set anyone free because he/she can’t love. Sociopaths/psychopaths can only own or possess. Of course a sociopath/psychopath is going to cry when alone or if someone abandons him/her. The sociopath/psychopath just lost all of his/her power. That is very upsetting you know!
Now that I have beat that to death, please understand that love motivation can either be deficient or absent. Therefore power motivation can either be somewhat excessive or the only motivating force in a person’s life. Excessive power motivation makes people emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and physically sick. It also makes them evil.
takingmeback Thankyou for reminding me that I don’t have to “rush” my recovery. That does kinda make me relax. He did “live” with me 3 years and I knew him 4 years before that. I have stopped giving him the benifit of the doubt. Hopeing maybe I was wrong about him. The truth was always right before my eye’s. He is losing that hold on me and I do see and feel that one day he will not occupy my mind totally. Do you ever get that tingly, hair raising feeling about your X being EVIL? That “something” about them that we could never quite put to rest. And now that I know what that something was. I kinda like feel sick and scared. Now I understand why I did this or felt that. It’s my intuition kicking me in the butt for not listening to it. And the big thing that I am realizing is, He is the loser, and I am the winner. That may be egotistical on my part, but the X heartdead evil user really lost one hell of a catch in me. I am the winner that he is gone. I don’t have to live his lie anymore. I don’t owe him anything. And I can go on and live my life with out him. And what a wonderful life I have!!!!! Last nite my son called at 11pm wich is kinda late for him. But he has put in alot of overtime the past week. He wanted me to come over and sit outside and have a beer. He is 4 miles from me. I said sure!!!! I was feeling lonely and down when he called. Anyway we sat outside and looked at the bright moon and stars. Talked about god. We talked about how fortunate and blessed we are.About the people that we loved that have come and gone. We listened to Kenny Chestney, and Willie Nelson. My son is 34 and the strongest wisest man I know. I am the luckiest man in the world. To ALL my lovefraud friend’s and therapist out there in cyberville, I feel your energy and am blessed by it……………
Dear Herny,
Wonderful!!!!! What a great evening!
You know Henry what convinced me you are such a great guy? Is that you have such a good relationship with your boys, living in Oklahoma, and you are gay and your kids know it. If you weren’t a stand up guy, honest and good, your boys would not have a darned thing to do with you just because you are gay (given where you live, etc) I know lots of gay guys that have no family etc. it isn’t because they are GAY, but because they are A$$HOLES, but those that dis them don’t SAY it is because they are AHs, but because they are gay. Being hetrosexual doesnt make you good, and being gay doesn’t make you bad, but the way prejudices work, that’s what “measure” people use.
You are amazing, Henry, but you are not the only nice gay guy in the world, so don’t despair. Just get your chit together about this thing with M. and learn to read the red flags. We’ve all had bad experiences with love one way or another, and I think, really, that there are more jerks out there and more Ps than there are nice people who are “out looking” so the odds aren’t all that great, but WE WILL NEVER AGAIN SETTLE FOR THE JERKS AND THE Ps just to keep from “being alone.” WE ARE STRONG!!!!
oxy your a sweet heart. Last nite when I was talking with my son (J). We discussed the tattoo’s we want.(that we will prolly never actually get) What they represent and the thing’s that are dear to our heart. I told him about this blogger friend I have, she is an Ox Drover and raises Oxen and live’s out in the country on a farm. I told him about your husband’s tragic death. Told him she just might be looking up at this same moon right this moment. Our discussions get deep sometime’s. I don’t bring my pain with cluster B into our conversation’s. It hurt’s him to see me hurting. Anyway I told him about the tattoo you are going to get on your left boob. We had a good laugh!!! Oxy- Being gay has never defined my life. Being a Dad has. I am sure my son’s would prefer I wasn’t. But I have never made it an issue and neither have they. I have always been very respectful of them and never pushed my lifestyle on them. (life style)? what am I saying? I dont have a lifestyle. I am just me and what I do know for sure is this. If anyone ever said one thing negative about my sexuality to my son’s they would have to pick themselve’s up off the floor. My son’s are proud of me for being the best dad in the world. They tell me this often. My son’s are manly men, have alot of redneck okie friend’s, and they all know their dad is gay and if they want to be a friend of theirs they better be respectful of their Dad. thanks oxy I love U 2
OxD
8lbs 5oz. Big for a bird, but just perfect for a human.
Right On Henry!!!! xxx
i absolutely love this site, and the outlet it gives to us who have had the misfortune, of dealing with the Soul-Less
I wish we could find a way, other then this site, to spread the word.
this condition I’m afraid, has made more people miserable, then all the broken hearts of the world.
i think the validity of this VERY REAL Condition, needs to be addressed, and the only way this can occur, is by Mass recognition. WORD OF MOUTH, Whatever?
i personally have helped one other person recognize this game being played, and have directed her to this site.
Dear Schmooly,
Good for you, I have also referred people to this site, and if each of us refers others, the word will spread. There is so much domestic violence and so many Ps that we will nver run out of people to refer, but you know, every one we save pain, or help on to the healing path, is one more person who is SAFE from these predators.
It really has only been a few decades since the psychopathic personality disorder has truly been recognized and defined, and that is still in flux as well. Information is getting out, but slower than we would like. There are books now, and web sites, and more and more people are being exposed to the TRUTH of it all. So there is progress!
Dr. Leedom,
I have to agree, great article. It’s more than frustrating that people “don’t get it” about sociopaths. I tend to agree with a lot of what’s already been said, I’ve been doing tons of reading in the last several weeks. Mainly about Narcissism as that tends to be the quality in predators that tends to trip me up the most. One great book about Narcissism in society reports how in our current culture (US for those from other countries) Many people who wouldn’t be clinically labeled as sociopathic have adopted narcisistic traits – American’s as a whole tend to admire the “go-it-alone” tough guy, the “James Bond” as was previously mentioned. Not only do men want to be like that, women want to be WITH that in many cases.
I’ve read so many posts, I can’t keep all the authors straight, but someone else mentioned they had a hard time recognizing their P as a sociopath because he seemed like such a “dork”. That was my experience exactly!! Everything I’d previously understood about predators was that they were so smooth – this didn’t quite fit. Somone mentioned Aspberger’s Syndrome to me, and in many ways this DID fit. Does anyone know of any evidence of P/S’s displaying qualities of Aspbergers? My Narcissist had horrible social skills – he was akward in the extreme, and never picked up on social cues. I lost most friends because of his odd behavior. He couldn’t understand nuances or body language at all, but always came accross as incredibly arrogant and rude, and everything had to revolve around him and his odd thoughts on subjects. Also, most conversations devolved into some lewd sexual discussion no one but him understood – always in the most inappropriate situations – when we were with my collegues from work, for example. This may be an isolated situation on my part, but very few people, me especially, ever recognized him as sociopathic until the very end. Now I look back and realize EVERYTHING about him was a lie- our entire relationship.
Anyway, one more quick thought, I just finished reading (voracious in my need to understand!) a book called “women who love psychopaths”. The title initially put me off a little, but the book was amazing. The main focus was on the “victims” (mainly female, but it applies to anyone who’s been mistreated by these people) of psychopaths. What type of women they are. I expected to read some variation of “doormat” and “co-dependent”, but evidence found from studies characterized these people as: strong, independent, deeply loving, empathetic, competative, and most excelled in their careers. The psycho’s target women (people) that have such wonderful warm, loving character traits and are so strong, that they receive a huge “rush” from her/his destruction, using all the tricks everyone here has experienced. This explained why so many people were not only devestated by their experience with the psycho, but how bewildered they were that it happened to them, someone strong, incitefull and confident! And why in the aftermath they felt so off-kilter – everything they understood about themselves and their place in the world had been knocked off it’s axis!!
This made me feel so much better along this slow twisty road to recovery. I hated feeling like a “victim”, small, puny, weak and confused. I’d been so much more.
Another huge epiphany was that people who are in long-term relationships with these psychos start experiencing physical symptoms from all the craziness. Not just the commonly understood psychological issues, but also their bodies changed: their faces seemed to age from all the stress and confusion. The stress hormones their bodies continually released caused their bodies to gain weight in the midsection. etc, etc. Basically, these “victims” began to become physically less apealling to the psycho, just from the daily stress of dealing with the psycho!! Then they were blamed for “allowing themselves” to get fat, and for not taking care of themselves anymore!! Yet another way for us to take the brunt of all their crap, as they move on to more attractive ground because we’re “no good” anymore. Such an ‘AH-HA” experience for me, as I was constantly dieting, working out, jumping through hoops, yet my body had a “mind of it’s own”. I think my looks are comming back from being away from him for so many months. Anyway, I just thought these were more examples of so many ways “life with a psycho” is so mis-interpreted by most of society. They go on to tell the next victim their previous partner “let herself go” and “didn’t care about me anymore” on and on.
Dear Still sorting it out,
During my year of “super high stress” I too gained weight in the mid section, though my eating didn’t change and my exercise did go down some due to illness at the same time. I hae NEVER had a mid section problem, if I was a bit over weight, I always still had a “waist” now I have none, I am built like a fire plug. But, I am finding that as the stress has gone down I have again started to take off the fat in the middle (just a bit) though my weight has not changed. I’ve read research papers that even mice under stress get “fat in the middle” even if exercise and calories are stable vs. non stressed mice. Interesting thing about what stress can do to us.
Dear OxDrover,
I know, it’s weird how our bodies as well as our souls start to morph into something we’re not. I’d never had “female troubles” before, but at the height of conflict in my relationship I began having uncontrollable pain and constant heavy bleeding. I ended up needing a hysterectomy. This was one of the things he claimed “drove him away”, I guess because I was a “broken toy”, although I tried never to let my “difficulties” hold me back. I even backpacked into a Costa Rican rainforest to tent camp for 2 weeks while hemorraging the entire time. I sucked it up, and when I ran out of hygiene products, I made my own! He still thought of me as “weak” though, and claimed I ruined his trip. Crazy.