Two weeks ago I started a series on the treatment of sociopathy/psychopathy. That series was interrupted by the need to discuss the case of the con man who kidnapped his daughter. Now it looks like he also may be implicated in the disappearance of a California couple. The con man, like many in his profession has had a number of different identities. Before I go back to talking about treatment, I want to discuss con artists and the nature of sociopathy/psychopathy again.
Donna and I had the good fortune to speak with Dr. Robert Hare this week. I wanted to talk with him about the fact that there is not much in the scientific literature linking psychopathy to con artistry. In that conversation, he said something very profound that deserves repeating. Since I can’t quote him exactly, I’ll give you the gist of it.
According to Dr. Hare, people saw the movie A Beautiful Mind and they “got it” about schizophrenia. People saw the movie Rain Man and they “got it” about Autism. Thousands of movies have been made about psychopaths/sociopaths and people still don’t “get it.”
We did not go into a detailed analysis of why people don’t “get it” about sociopaths/psychopaths but I will here because until you “get it” about the disorder, you cannot “get it” about treatment for the disorder.
This week I received a letter from a woman who is struggling to “get it.” We receive at least one letter a week that reads like that woman’s so she is not alone. The letter reads something like, “The father of my child is in Jail for assault. He is a pathological liar so I can’t believe anything he says. He also has cheated on me repeatedly. He has conned me out of all my money and now I have to declare bankruptcy. I don’t think he is a sociopath because he has remorse. Is there any hope for him and for us?”
Now if you read these letters as an outsider you get it! But the people who write them are really struggling with what they themselves are saying. They are struggling to make sense out of two conflicting points of view. The first point of view is that there is “good in all people” and that all people need a “family to love.” Just like the many people who say the con man from last week who goes by the alias Rockefeller, “loved” his daughter. People saw him caring for his daughter and assumed love motives. They interacted with him and he was charming and funny. One lady said “He had a lot to offer as a person.” People think that when they interact with someone who is “charming” and “caring” and they then like or feel affection toward the person, the charmer feels likewise. Sadly this is not always the case.
The second point of view is that there are some people who lack love motivation completely or are severely deficient in it. The psychological consequence of not having love motivation is not known by many people. If you understand what happens when love motivation is missing or lacking, you will “get it” about sociopaths/psychopaths. When love motivation is lacking, a person does not stop wanting to be around people! Everyone thinks that just because an individual wants to be around people and seems to enjoy affection, the wanting proves that person is a loving human being. People think that all unloving individuals just want to be alone. That assumption is wrong and is deadly.
In most cases, when love motivation is lacking or missing, the person retains his/her desire for social contact. Since love motivation is not at the root of social desire, something else is. When love motivation is lacking, power or dominance motivation takes its place. Also remember that sexual motivation keeps people social as well.
When con artists take care of people, it is about power motivation. When con artists go to parties and meet people, hob knobbing with the rich and famous, it is about power motivation. When con artists steal $250,000 only to squander the entire sum in 6 months, the theft wasn’t about money it was about the power of the get over.
So, if you look at the situation with the preconceived notion that all people are motivated by the same human motives you can’t possibly “get it.” I challenge you today give up on your preconceived notions about human motivation. Instead come to understand that there are three human social motives, love, power and sex. Thankfully, 90 percent of everybody has a personality organized primarily around love motivation.
The problem is that a sizable percentage of people (perhaps 10-15 per cent) have a personality that is organized around gratifying their need for power rather than their need for love. These people are not loners! They are even more social than loving humans. If you are motivated by the need for love and intimacy, your need can be satisfied by one spouse, other family members and a few friends. If you are motivated primarily by the need for power, then you won’t be satisfied until you rule the world!
Just like the need for love has its associated behaviors, so too does the need for power. Care taking can be part of both motives. The need for power is also accompanied by controlling and aggressive behavior. The degree of control and aggression shown in a relationship is a sign of the amount of power motivation that is behind that relationship.
If you think about it you already know I am right. There is a saying, ”If you love someone set him free. If he comes back to you he’s yours, if not he never was.” A sociopath/psychopath can never set anyone free because he/she can’t love. Sociopaths/psychopaths can only own or possess. Of course a sociopath/psychopath is going to cry when alone or if someone abandons him/her. The sociopath/psychopath just lost all of his/her power. That is very upsetting you know!
Now that I have beat that to death, please understand that love motivation can either be deficient or absent. Therefore power motivation can either be somewhat excessive or the only motivating force in a person’s life. Excessive power motivation makes people emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and physically sick. It also makes them evil.
I think it’s gotta be harder to tackle sex addiction than drugs and alcohol in some ways. With drugs and alcohol you can set a black/white boundary, “just say no”. But with food, sex, things like that, you have to completely rethink how you deal with them as you can’t or shouldn’t kick them totally out of your life.
But even if you can retrain yourself to have good boundaries.. how the heck do you redefine what you think is sexy? My ex-cheater bf is mad at me right now, because he says he doesn’t USE women to get anything out of them. But that’s not correct. He enjoys playing with them and manipulating them.
He does things like the following to try and form connections between them. I used to refer to it as his “network” or his “harem”. He does things like shuffle his relationships around, one will be his mistress one month and one he will downgrade to “friend”, then he’ll switch her to friend with benefits, he plays them all like he’s trying to keep a lot of plates spinning at once, the only time he panics is when he’s about to lose one, but then he’ll usually cut that one loose and go right on manipulating the others. He especially loves it when they fight over him, he just sits back and tries to hid his childish glee.
he thinks all this is a big turn on, and I know what he really wants but can’t ask for is a real harem that lives with him and all know about each other, treat him like master and compete for his sexual favor.
“Thousands of movies have been made about psychopaths/sociopaths and people still don’t “get it.”
On a more personal level I believe why most people (yes I was one of them too) don’t “get it” is because it mean facing the truth in ourselves and them. And when we do come to this point it will hurt like hell.
Don’t “get it”
I don’t understand? She/he tell me they loves me so much. So why do they have to be so dishonesty to me/us all the time?
“get it”
If one is a pathological liar they need to lie like a alcoholic needs to drink! My ex P told me lies that didn’t make any sense? I mean (told myself) why in God’s name did she lie about that when the truth would have been so much easier?
Don’t “get it”
Why does he/she tell me I am a bad person all the time and then turns around and tell me how special I am?
“get it”
People who suffer from a Personality Disorder carry around a lot of insecurities. They don’t deal with their own insecurities (emotional responsibility) so they “project” them to love ones to carry it for them! When they are “nice” it is mostly to get something from you or feel it is time to “throw you a bone”.
Of course this go on and on with other examples but the reason we sometimes don’t get it is because we lack the knowledge to understand and still other times it is just denial. Then still other times both. Really who wants to believe that the person we love so much can’t and/or will never be able to love us back?
I had to struggle with these concepts for so long because I “didn’t want to get it”!
Sobriety can be an act, an act just like piety or fidelity. I don’t doubt he’s sober, but he’s, as Lib said, channeled his addiction. Smart psychos stay out of jail, and get what they want within the limits of the law.
Multible abortions? That’s deviant, total disregard for human ife …couple with reckless disregard for his sexual partners with STDs…in my book this guy is just another incurable con.
Yes I did have to look at myself really hard and it hurt’s like hell. I know why, I know how it happened with the X. I was talking to a friend about people just not getting it. He said my X would say “That’s who I am, what’s the problem?” And I knew who he was from the first day. He was down on his luck and needed a helping hand. I would of done that for him regardless of his personality defect. It was him that took it to the next level – that is what I resent. He had no reason to become my illusion, I was willing to help him. He didn’t have to pretend to be in love with me.
I think most people believe that when you are dealing with another person, you believe they are like yourself (water finds it’s own level theory). If you are moralistic and ethical, you believe the attraction is due to similarities and that the person has your same qualities. As the relationship progresses (depending on what type of relationship it is [platonic versus emotional] and the anti-social personality slips up, most people want to believe they just had a bad day or some other excuse they make for a person. If the relationship is physical, you don’t want to believe the partner you’ve chosen to care about, is off in any way because it is the most intimate of relationships.
If this is your first experience with an anti-social personality, that’s when the rationalization comes in to play. If you’re experienced with what an anti-social personality is about. It’s easier for you to cut yourself loose from the relationship. You are still hurt and in pain, but your intellect guides the way out as you shake your head in disbelief that another one latched on to you. I don’t believe we choose them. I do believe they size us up (know that we are decent and loving) and make the move on us, or are purposely in the right place at the right time to meet us. Yes, there are times when it is a chance meeting (I’m not eliminating that fact). I don’t believe however, we are choosing them.
I remember my first recognized anti-social relationship. When he left, he left abruptly … leaving a note explaining he was sorry it wouldn’t work (also a post it note, I wonder if the person who wrote that episode of Sex in the City, knows me … or do they all leave post it notes? (LOL) I remember thinking, “wini” you’ve been through breakups before, get a grip, it will only take a few months for you to mourn the loss of what you thought this person was, then move on. That’s when I realized, yes, we have all experienced breakups in our lives before this one, so get a grip, pull yourself together and make this transition of getting out of the relationship as quick as possible.
I think the older you get, the more of these personalities you meet. I don’t believe older people don’t acknowledge they exist … I believe older people don’t want to waste time thinking about them. There lives are too precious to waste on the likes of them. Then their is the spiritual belief that everyone is God’s child, so do not judge etc.
As for Edwards admitting his affair. I believe like Oxy said, that he’s upset over being caught. It would take many more years for a Narcissist to comprehend why he stepped out of his marriage. So to admit his mistakes, I don’t buy it. Not right now. In about 10-20 years of intense therapy, I’d tend to lean towards he might have learned something. But, once self centered and self absorbed … well lets just say he makes a pretty parrot.
Peace.
Henry.. that’s what hurts so much for me too. I would have been glad to be his friend, to help in whatever way I could.. he didn’t have to pretend to love me. He didn’t have to pull my heart out of hiding, get me out of my shell, just to devastate me.
As for these politicians, I have no opinion anymore. We live in a society where anything goes, yet we still expect our politicians to shine like the sun. Why shouldn’t they be just as human as the next guy?
I also feel that most people “don’t get it” about psychopaths.
Even though most people I know have been sympathetic and supportive, I know that they can’t understand why I can’t get over this relationship like I did when previous relationships ended. I find it nearly impossible to convey to them the extent of the deceit and betrayal and the nature of the beast who violated my life. I’ve stopped trying to explain – it’s just too tiring. I feel like I have to justify why I’m so devastated and I hate feeling like that. I shouldn’t have to justify to anyone why the ex-P affected me as profoundly as he did.
At least this site is one place where people GET it.
I do think that one of the reasons why people “don’t get it” is because they would have to acknowledge that this could happen to them too. As long as they don’t get it they can comfort themselves with the thought that they wouldn’t be “caught out” like we were. Also, I think it must be too frightening a thought to acknowledge the influence and power that a psychopath can wield.
Well, we may have been “caught out” by these monsters but one thing’s for sure…we’re brave enough to stare the monster in the face and say its name. That’s more than many are able to do.
i think the reason the majority of people dont get it is simply that these creatures are science fiction to them….most of us are brought up to be kind and considerate to others…do unto others….so most of us try our best to do this…we all slip up at times and feel guilty if we do and then apologize or feel bad and try to do better……..these creatures look just like us, so the majority of the world feels that they ARE just like us…..something went wrong somewhere…nature/ nurture or both….they were either born with no conscience or developed that as a result of whatever… but they are still dangerous to those of us who feel…
because they have no ability to FEEL….bad, guilty love…all the things that keep society intact and from self destructing…{.read that respect others and their boundaries.)they are dangerous
i wasnt born understanding calculus…i had to be exposed to it over and over and study it and read it and talk about it and ask questions about it…because i never knew such a thing existed….it started out looking like regular math and statistics and logic and geometry and i tried to deal with it as such…but it was a totally other entity……..only being exposed to it revealed it to me as something totally unlike what it looked like….when i stopped fighting the fact that it wasnt like all the other math, then i finally GOT it…..i kept trying to mold it into what i knew…it just cant be done EVER>>……these beings are the same…..and only when you encounter one will you understand the pain they inflict……
i think our friends and loved ones want us to get over it because they dont know what else to do for us….they hate to see us suffer, but cant validate the unknown until they have felt it..